Keeping Secrets
by MorbidPet17
Summary: Based on the promo for Forgiving Rollins
1. Chapter 1

**Taking a mini-break from my other fic to write this cause I just have to. So it's my take on what could be going on, I'm pretty sure the SVU writers will have a different spin to it. It takes off in the new year, Patton's in NY for that conference he mentioned. I'm basing my fic on the promo &amp; the two script spoilers we've gotten. The new episode stills messes a bit with my timeline/events but oh well.  
Since Rollaro is established that's where I'm taking off from, where I'll land... who knows!?  
****NBC owns everything but my creativity! English isn't my native language just so you know. **

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**Chapter 1**

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_"If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself." ~ George Orwell_

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Amanda walked in to the squad room and immediately spotted Nick's jacket hanging over his chair. Ten days. That's how many it had been gone and how many days she'd missed seeing it hanging there. She spotted him over by the coffee machine. Just by watching his back she could tell he was very focused on fixing his coffee just the way he liked it in the mornings. The few times they'd actually woken up in the same bed he'd never trusted her to make him his morning coffee. She smiled at the memory and fought an urge to reach out and touch his jacket as she passed his desk.

She kept watching him out of the corner of her eye as she made her way over to her desk, hoping he might spot her and that he hopefully would shot her a smile. But he never looked up from his business of stirring his java and she threw a glance inside Liv's office as she hung her winter coat on the hanger by the wall. Liv wasn't in yet but then she remembered Liv was at the conference this first Saturday of January of 2015. The same conference as her old chief was at. He'd tried calling her last night. Three times he'd called and three times she'd muted her phone and let it go to voicemail. She cringed just thinking of having to have a drink with Patton. She hoped he would get drunk early, it was his usual MO after all, and find someone else to hit on tonight. She didn't know how much she would regret thinking that.

She turned around, he still hadn't noticed her and she sat down at her desk to start her computer up. She punched in her password but then let out a deep sigh and looked over Nick's way again. Still stirring his coffee to get the exact right temperature. She pushed her chair back out and hurried over to him before her courage failed her.

"Nick, happy New Year," she said and tried her best to not smile awkwardly.  
"You too," he said and actually looked happy to see her.

_Had he missed her? Missed her just a little? No that was stupid. He'd been with his daughter, with his family, he'd probably spent zero time thinking of her._ She grabbed the coffee pot and started to pour herself a cup as her thoughts took her down a dark path. She meant nothing to him. She couldn't really get a good read on his face out of the corner of her eyes but she could see he was still stirring. She put down the pot and took a deep breath.

"How were your…" she started as she exhaled.  
"How were your holida…" he said at the exact same time and they both piped down.

They faced each other, both with smiles across their faces. Amanda felt her cheeks blush slightly as a chuckle escaped her throat, she did feel some tension rinse off though. _He was interest in how her holiday had been, maybe he wasn't holding a grudge any longer?_ She caught him watching her mouth and she put her cup up to her lips to not pout or do something else really awkward under his watchful eye. The coffee was too hot but she managed to keep a straight face as the liquid burnt her tongue.

"So how were they?" he asked still watching her. She raised her eyebrows a little, totally clueless to what he was asking about.  
"Your holidays?" he smiled and she tried to hide her embarrassment by chuckling a little.  
"Oh, well… I was here," she said and looked out over the squad room.

His smile weakened slightly and she recognized that hint of pity in his eyes.

"Fin brought in eggnog one day though," she hurried to say, "forced us to listen to Christmas tunes for several days."  
"Eek," Nick smiled and made a face.  
"Tell me about it," she smiled. She could tell he was about to say or ask something else so she hurried to jump in.

"How were yours? Did you have fun with Zara?"  
"Ah, yeah," Nick said and tasted his coffee. She could tell on his face that it was still a little too hot for his liking but she tried to control her smile.

"We had a beach party Christmas day, Zara had a ball," Nick reminisced with a smile, "I think she liked having both her mom and dad around. Maria really made an effort."  
"That's nice," Amanda said and tried her best to keep a smile on her face.

She thought to herself that she should be able to be happy for Zara and she also recalled him calling her out on being jealous of Maria but she'd denied it. _So why did she feel so bad over hearing him say he had a good time with Maria? Her emotions had been all over the place since the Pattern Seventeen case, maybe even ever since the bar?_

Nick spotted her face changing a little and the last thing he'd wanted was to make her feel bad.

"Of course though Maria had to bring the guy she's dating, rub it in my face a little," he said.

Amanda tried to give him a sympathetic face but wasn't sure what to say. She started to walk back towards her desk and he followed her.

"So you've been busy here?" he asked.  
"Nah, I mean cases have been coming in but nothing we couldn't handle on our own."

"So Liv's been able to spend some time with Noah?" he asked. Amanda nodded as she sat down by her desk.  
"That's great, their first Christmas together," Nick said stopping right by her desk.

She smiled at him but had to look down as she felt weird all over as he was smiling back at her. He stayed put though and had another taste of his coffee. She could feel him watching her meanwhile and she tried to focus on her computer screen which was extremely hard.

"So did you…" he started and she glanced a little his way, "…hear from your mom or sister? Someone else from back home maybe?"

_Someone else?_ She had to swallow to get the sour taste in her mouth down. She shot him a brief smile and looked back down. He must've gotten her answer as he walked away towards his desk. _He probably had that pity look all over his face as well. She loved everything about his face but when he got that pity in his eyes then she was ready to strangle him like the good old days. _

Nothing was said between them until Fin finally walked in.

"My man, welcome back," he said and bumped fists with Nick. Amanda smiled, her partner seemed to be in good spirits. Fin went on to quiz him a little about his Christmas in Cali and she had to hear him mention that beach party again. She learned of a kite surfing ride as well and him making Zara sit through the classic "Miracle on 34th Street". She remembered seeing that movie with her dad as well during one of those Christmases he'd actually been around.

"So, you guys want to catch me up? And where the hell is new guy?"

Fin chuckled and let Nick know Carisi had told them yesterday that he would take a few personal hours and come in a little late today, something about driving his nana back to her nursing home after she'd spend the holidays at his house.

"Carisi and his nana, now that almost sounds worth staying in New York for," Nick joked and Amanda tried to join in with Fin's second round of chuckles but she piped down before anyone could catch her faking it.

**The day went on**. Fin and Amanda headed out to check on a victim that had been badly cut during a rape attempt on new years and was still hospitalized. They had some DNA from the perp, scrapings from underneath the victim's nails, but they got no hit in CODIS and since she hadn't gotten a good look on him they had very little to go on. Amanda promised her yet again though that they wouldn't drop the case, that they would keep investigating until they caught this creep. Amanda knew it might be dishonest of her to make that promise and judging by the look Fin gave her as they left the victim she was pretty sure he would say the same but this girl was a fighter and Amanda had to make sure she stayed that way.

"What?" she moaned as he still hadn't said anything as they got further down the hospital corridor. She knew it was coming so she preferred he said it now sooner than later.  
"You can't promise her that," he said with his usual you-should-know-this tone of voice.  
"Of course I can," Amanda said as she decided to talk back to him even though she knew he was usually right. He said nothing but she could feel him giving her the stunned look and her face cracked a little.

"We're a good unit Fin, we can still catch him even though we have little to go on," she said and gave him a pleading look. She needed a win right now. She needed to nail a crook.  
"She needs to know that we're not giving up on her," she said as they walked out of the hospital and she felt Fin pat her back slightly as they swopped sides as she was in the driver's seat.  
"And you made sure of that," he said, "I just don't want _you_ to get too invested."

He squeezed her upper arm a little before he let her go and then purposely avoided the prickly look he knew she would give him. He knew it would be gone before they reached the car. He knew that _she_ knew he only looked out for her but she still had that compulsion to act as she didn't want or need his protection. He knew she did though and he just let her prickly charm run off him. He didn't know what it was but he could almost sense immediately when they come upon a case that would suck his partner in completely. When a case would drain her and that would have her fighting tooth and nail and work all hours of the day if she was left unsupervised. Come to think of it this entire holiday season she'd been like that.

He figured it might have something to do with Benson not being around as much. She might feel as though the female connection fell all on her and she needed to connect with the victims even more in the absence of their sergeant. He wasn't sure though that was the only thing going on. He'd been worrying about her for a while now. She'd been coming in late, looking exhausted and feeling tense. She had said she wasn't gambling again and he had to take her word for it. One thing he hadn't discussed with her was the status of whatever she had going on with their other partner, Amaro, but he had a sense it was a bit rocky or maybe even over with. One part of him wished it was over since he felt she needed to look out for herself and Amaro just didn't seem like a good fit to him, but on the other hand their sneaking around made her at least leave work in time.

During the holidays he'd been left with that responsibility, to get her to eat, sleep and breathe between shifts. He was pretty sure she wasn't gambling but he wasn't sure if it was the urge to gamble that gave him that unnerving vibe from her. There was something going on and he'd been given plenty of time during the holidays to try and find out what it was. But it seemed she'd set her mind on working out whatever was bothering her on her own.

He'd kept trying though, in his own subtle way of course. They'd spent a lot of time together during the holiday. She'd joined him at Teresa's Christmas dinner, they'd grabbed beers after most every shift and she'd spent several nights on his couch. She'd always been gone in the morning though, he figured she might have to see to Frannie. That's the excuse she'd given a few weeks back when she'd stayed on his couch as well but been gone in the morning. He chose to trust her but would feel a little more relieved if he could get it confirmed.

He gave her a look as they were both seated in the car and he could tell any animosity between them was gone.

"Let's get lunch partner," he said, "Carisi texted that they want us to meet up with them."  
"You mean we're going to sit through another lunch with Carisi talking about his fabulous nana," she moaned and Fin chuckled.  
"You know you love Carisi's nana just as much as he does," Fin teased.

After spending yet another lunch listening to Carisi the teams split up again. Fin and Amanda took another run at the witnesses in their case, the two young women that had been with the victim at the private party she'd been drugged at. They hadn't seen her stumble out of the apartment and thus far not seen if anyone followed her outside. They hadn't seen anyone paying her extra attention during the night or anyone spike her drink.

Fin and Amanda revisited the two men that had heard the woman fight off her offender in the staircase and come to her aid. They hadn't seen much of the perpetrator since the woman was bleeding and they'd focused their attention on saving her life. They gave the same weak description of the perp wearing jeans and a hoodie, the height of the guy still varied depending on which one of the guys you listened to but this time around one of the guys remembered what he thought was a phone ringing. They were sure it was neither of their phones but of course they weren't sure if it might've been the victims but he was pretty sure it came from below where the perp had taken off so it was worth checking up. Since it was closing in on midnight new years eve they had a rather exact time and if they pulled phone activity from the building they might get lucky. Fin could tell Amanda was exhilarated with this new development but tried to get her to cool down just so she wouldn't crash and burn if nothing came up from the phone tabs.

At the end of shift they still had heard nothing from tech and Fin reminded Amanda that they'd talked about grabbing a beer after work and since they probably wouldn't get anything more today they might as well head out. When she played ? he reminded her that she was the one that had begged him to keep her company this time around.

"You sat right there on that exact spot on new year's eve and pleaded with me to get a beer this Saturday and now you do a 180," Fin said, with a playful tone though.  
"I know but…"  
"No butts, I even talked Nick in to joining and he and Carisi are already waiting for us so c'mon, get moving," he said and gestured for her to move her ass.  
"You're so bossy," she grunted as she passed him with her jacket in her hand.  
"For that you're paying for the first round," Fin said trying to keep a straight face but failed as she smiled at him over her shoulder.

They decided to walk the two blocks to the bar and Amanda felt her phone buzz during the walk. She'd put it on vibrate a little earlier as she'd recognized the number and it was the same one this time around.

"Something about our case?" Fin asked as he'd noticed her going quiet and then going for her phone. She just shook her head firmly and put her phone back down.

They spotted Nick and Carisi in a booth by the wall and Carisi immediately waved them over. The place was packed but Amanda really wished they could find another table. As Fin paved the way over Amanda felt sick to her stomach as she knew she would probably have to make the decision on where to sit. Sitting next to Nick would mean she wouldn't have to look at him as often but she wasn't sure she could handle his proximity right now. She missed him but she was pretty sure she'd burnt her bridges and even if not all was lost she wasn't at all sure what she wanted right now.

"Hey," Carisi shouted way too loud as they approached and as Amanda expected Fin let her pass leaving the choice of where to sit up to her.  
"Hi," she said feeling her gut wrenching, "I'm gonna go get us a round, you guys need refills?"

She didn't really catch their answer as she'd already turned around to head towards the bar.

"Hey, where you going?" Fin asked since he hadn't heard her.  
"Getting beers, I'm buying remember?" she said and rolled her eyes at him a little.

"Women," Fin sighed as he placed himself next to Nick.  
"Rollins?" Carisi asked but then started laughing for no apparent reason at all. Fin just looked at him.

"Something's up with her?" Nick asked quietly and caught his attention. Fin looked over towards the bar and spotted her blonde head leaning over the bar to perhaps order for them.  
"She's okay," he said and leaned back in his seat. Nick looked as though he wanted to pry but he kept quiet.

When Amanda came back to the table Carisi was telling some story and where as usual very animated with his hands. Amanda made sure his hands were nowhere near the four bottles she'd brought back to the table. Nick had actually signaled to her that he didn't want another one and he watched her a little closer as Fin placed one of the bottles in front of him. Nick hadn't planned to have more than one beer but now it looked as he was having another one, he just needed to finish the first one first. Carisi stopped gesturing a little so he could take Amanda's jacket from her and stuff it down between himself and the wall. Nick kept watching Amanda as she sat down but she kept her eyes down as she tasted her beer and then her eyes went directly to Carisi as she seemed to try and jump in to the story.

"You're buzzing," Carisi said after a while and no one understood what he meant until he got Amanda's phone up out of her jacket pocket.  
"Oh," she said and seemed a little bothered as she looked at her phone.  
"What's up?" Fin asked but Amanda shook him off for a second time that night as she shoved her phone down in her back pocket.

She turned to Carisi and told him to go on as though she was interested in hearing what happened after they'd arrested these guys up in Bronx. Fin could clearly see she wasn't though but didn't bust her on it in front of the others.

Two beers later she headed for the bathroom and bumped in to Nick in the narrow hallway outside the bathrooms as he was heading towards the gents.

"Oh sorry," Amanda smiled awkwardly since she'd been the careless one. A sound behind her back had made her look over her shoulder and she'd run straight in to him.  
"Don't worry," he smiled. They just kept looking at each other for a few seconds until Amanda realized he was still holding on to her elbows and when she stirred a little in his grip he seemed to realize too and let her go immediately.

"So look, is-is everything okay?" Nick dared to ask and leaned in a little so no one would overhear.  
"Yeah, sure, why…" she started but then piped down as she'd meant to ask why he thought something was wrong and she realized she didn't really want to know why he thought so.

"I'm fine," she said instead and tried to give him a reassuring smile along with the answer.  
"Do you wanna… wanna head out of here and… like talk?" he said leaning in again and she felt a little flustered by his closeness but she really wasn't sure why she felt that way. _She really wasn't sure what he was asking her either. Did he want to go home to have sex or did he really want to talk?_ She wasn't sure she wanted either of that but found herself putting her hand on his chest.

"I don't think that would… be a good idea," she said.  
"Oh okay," he said and seemed a bit embarrassed.

He did feel a bit embarrassed, _his suggestion had been to talk and he really wanted to do that but he realized it might've sounded like he wanted something else and now he wasn't sure exactly what he'd meant by it. _She clearly didn't want either the former or latter with him, whatever that was, and it would be a lie to say he didn't feel a little hurt. And disappointed. He still had no idea what had gone down in that bar a few weeks ago but it had been on his mind a lot as he had some time to think about it while down in California and he'd become more and more certain that she was talking about something else than AJ and Paula. And she didn't strike him as the jealous type so he was pretty sure he'd been far off as he blurted that out. _But what the hell was really going on?_ _She did not come across as being okay and the fact she kept insisting she was just made him more certain on that._

"Look, I'm really sorry for the things I said," she said and seemed brutally honest, "and for putting my hands on you like that."

_He felt her hand move slightly over his chest and it felt a whole lot better than the harsh scuffs she'd given his shoulder last time they socialized just the two of them. It felt really good to hear her apologize as well. _

"I was so out of line," she said and he saw tears well up in her eyes. She quickly tried to blink them away though.  
"Amanda what's going on?" he asked and put his hand over hers on his chest. She looked at their hands for a while, the sides of her mouth going up and down several times as though they had a hard time deciding whether to smile or stay sad.

"Amanda…" he whispered and got a little closer.

Before he could continue though her lips were covering his but he found himself quickly, pressing his lips just a hard against hers and his tongue came out to play as he felt her breathe over his lips. The kiss got passionate quickly and she moaned in to his mouth as he pressed her up slightly against the wall behind her. Their hands were still linked on his chest and his other hand went in underneath her hair and around her neck so he could hold her firmer against himself and get further down her throat. _He'd thought of her plenty of times down in Cali and this was one of the hopeful scenarios he'd imagined as they got together again. _

He suddenly felt her hand press up harder against his chest though and she seemed to want to distance herself from him. Both were in need of air and were panting a little as they separated. He kept his hand around her neck and let his fingers run slightly up in her hair, wanting to feel those soft tresses of hers underneath his touch in case he wouldn't get another chance.

"Nick," she breathed as soon as she was able to form a word as her head was still spinning slightly and her heart still racing as well as a familiar sensation between her legs that for some reason had her both feeling aroused and scared shitless.  
"I'm sorry, I can't," she managed to say. She dug her fingers in to his chest a little as though she wanted to hold on to him even though she was slowly pulling herself away from him at the same time.

"But I'm so sorry for what I did, I had no right to treat you like that."  
"It's okay Amanda…" he tried but she shook him off.  
"No, no it's not Nick. It's never okay to…" her eyes went down to his chest as though she felt too embarrassed to look at him, "…to put their hands on someone like that. I'll be forever sorry for that."

"Don't…" he tried as she pulled herself even further away from him and slid out of his grip.  
"I'm sorry Nick," she said though and moved backwards further down the hallway. She managed to bump in to someone again and she looked a little scared first but then excused herself before she hurried back out to the bar.

Nick fought an urge to run after her, he knew he couldn't make a scene in front of Fin and Carisi. He didn't want to out them in front of them as they'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and to disclose them when it seemed to be basically over seemed really stupid. But he really wanted to sort this out and for that to happen he had to talk to her. He figured it was probably better to do that once they were sober though. He'd been heading for the gents so he decided to head there and when he came back to the table Amanda had squeezed herself in to the corner behind Fin. She seemed to have jumped from beer to hard alcohol judging by the glass in front of her and he saw that as his cue to head out of there.

"So thank you guys," he started and didn't have to say more for Fin and Carisi to realize he was leaving and they both let out a displeased noise.  
"I just flew back yesterday guys, I need sleep," he said smiling. He could tell Amanda avoided his eyes and he tried to not make it obvious it bothered him.

"I'll see you bright and early tomorrow right?" Nick grinned at Fin and Carisi as he put his jacket on.  
"Yes daddy," Fin joked and Carisi echoed the 'daddy' as he chuckled.

"I'm sorry to leave you with these jokers Rollins," he said and finally got a look of her blues as she shot him a shy smile.  
"Oh she loves these jokers," Fin said and pushed her arm hard so she almost fell in to the wall. But she just smiled at him, she could tell her partner was a little tipsy and she was used to him getting a little rough when that happened, she could take it.

"So bright and early then, good night," Nick said and started moving away but kept his eyes on Amanda as long as he possibly could without making it too obvious. Fin and Carisi shot him a couple of 'nights' and lighthearted 'good riddance' as he crossed the bar.

**About two hours later** Fin was the wise one that broke the party up. Amanda had moved on to non-alcoholic beverages after that last drink so she was pretty sober but could've stayed put for another few hours, the thought of going home didn't sit well with her and she tried to talk Fin in to grabbing one more beer even though she knew she did him a disfavor. Fin had made up his mind though and got the three of them out of there and out on the curb. As long as she'd known him he'd never gotten stupid drunk and neither was he tonight. Since Carisi lived a little on her side of the city Fin decided to flag down a cab for them and gave Carisi instructions to make sure his partner got home safe before he did.

"I can take care of myself," Amanda grunted even though she appreciated the gesture.

_She would've preferred to go home with Fin though, his couch was rather comfy. She didn't want to say it out loud though as she feared Carisi would get the wrong impression and start spreading rumors or something. Not that she'd ever gotten the impression he was gossipy like that but she knew from experience that you could just never know, you had to watch your back in this line of work. A shield didn't necessarily mean you could be trusted. _She welcomed a sloppy hug from Fin though, took what courage she could milk from it and then hastily let him go to jump in the cab before she changed her mind again.

Carisi started talking again the moment he got in the cab. She hummed several 'aha' and 'yeah' even though she had no idea what he was talking about. Her mind was elsewhere. She'd checked her phone, eleven missed calls during the night. _She was a little afraid he would be waiting outside her place, it wouldn't be the first time that had happened if he did, never in New York though. She wasn't sure what she would do if she saw him there. _

She looked over at Carisi. He'd apparently realized she wasn't paying him any attention and he was quiet and watching his phone. _She found herself actually contemplating to ask him up. But that would give him the wrong idea right? They weren't really friends so he might take it the wrong way, expect things to happen perhaps. She didn't know him well enough to know what he was like off hours and she'd trusted the wrong people in the past. She knew she couldn't ask him up. He would get the wrong impression. If it was that she was hitting on him or that she was scared to be alone, either way he would get the wrong impression. _

They pulled up on her street and she immediately started looking out for any unfamiliar movement outside her gate. Cars were parked outside her gate so the cabbie had a hard time finding a good place to stop and ended up passing her gate a little.

"Okay…" Amanda said and found herself dragging her sweaty palms against her thighs.  
"You okay?" Carisi asked and Amanda realized she was lingering too long. Things got awkward.  
"Yeah, yeah, of course," Amanda said but still felt unable to step out.  
"Wh…" Carisi started as he gave her a weird look but she interrupted him.  
"You want me to chip in?" she asked and pointed to the meter.  
"Nah, I got it," Carisi said.

Amanda reluctantly grabbed the door and opened it up a little.

"We'll sit here until you're in okay," Carisi said like he could sense her apprehension.  
"You don't have to do that," Amanda said and tried to sound cockier than she felt.  
"I won't have it any other way," Carisi insisted though and she felt a little relieved that he was persistent.  
"Thanks Carisi," she said quietly, not sure how he would react to her being grateful.  
"No sweat," he said, "Tonight was nice, let's do it again soon. I'll see you in the morning."  
"Yeah in the morning," she said as she stepped out on the street.

She shot him a look, gave him a smile and then shut the door. She kept looking around as she walked up to her gate. Just as promised the cab lingered until she was inside. The uneasy feeling stuck with her though as she made her way up. She caught sounds and reflections everywhere and felt like she was in some Japanese horror movie and her heart was still racing as she closed her door behind her. She jumped as she felt something nudge up against her leg and spun around with a shriek down her throat.

"Oh Frannie," she said and the fear came out as a chuckle as she sat down on her knees in front of her dog.  
"You're home," she whispered and welcomed the dog's licks in her face.

Of course she was home, she remembered the text her neighbor had sent earlier. She couldn't take Frannie for the night and Amanda had even answered it was fine and suggested she'd drop her at the flat.

She sat there for a while just feeling the warmth from her canine as she pressed herself up against her body. It felt good to have her there, it made her feel a little bit safer at least for tonight.

"You wanna get some sleep," Amanda suggested as she started to feel how drained she really was, "C'mon girl. You're sleeping in momma's bed right."

A little while later, after a rather short but steamy shower, she curled up underneath her cover and Frannie laid down right in front of her so Amanda could wrap her arm around her.

"You'll keep me safe right," she whispered near the dog's ear and just like she heard her she saw Frannie tilt her head and it looked as though she blinked a few times to reassure her even more.

"You're such a good dog," she whispered and sneaked in even closer to the smaller frame next to her.

Amanda thought she heard a creak outside the bedroom and she looked to the barricaded door. She'd put a chair underneath the handle just as every night for the last few months. The lights were on, she knew the windows were secure, she had Frannie and she had her spare gun on the bed stand right next to her but still... she didn't feel safe. She wasn't sure how long she could go on like this. She felt as though her seams were breaking little by little. Like her insides were threatening to pour out and her heart slowly dying.

She just wanted it all to be over. She was sick of the internal pain, of trying to act as everything was fine and no matter how hard she scrubbed the shame just never seemed to come off. She wasn't sure how long she could go on like this. She was so tired but at the same time so scared of going to sleep as she knew what haunting images would come to visit her. There was just nowhere to run and as most nights lately she cried herself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just overwhelmed with all your nice reviews. Thank you so very much.  
****Left out an important note last chapter, this fic will obviously have trigger warnings so be careful reading. Got a question about how many chapters this fic will have, my estimate is often shite since I tend to write way more than planned &amp; I haven't decided just where to leave it at, but I guess at least 6-7 chapters. As you can probably tell it's a bit slow-moving but the plot is taking off now so hopefully it won't be too boring &amp; I'll try and update with just a few days between chapters.  
Thanks again for reading &amp; reviewing &amp; Happy Holidays!**

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**Chapter 2**

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_Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets. ~ Paul Tournier_

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_The grass felt nice under her bare feet. She couldn't see them but she felt her toes dig in to the cool green grass with the dirt just underneath it. She liked running barefoot as a child so she imagined herself being a child right now. Why didn't she run barefoot any longer? Couldn't you do that as an adult? The coolness of the grass combined with the sun warming her cheeks gave her a serene feeling all over. Even though she stared straight in to the sun it didn't hurt her eyes one bit. She felt a chuckle erupt inside her body and as she let it out she started running towards the sun. She couldn't remember a time she felt this good in a long, long time. She just kept running, feeling the breeze grab her tresses, the grass tickle her feet and the cheerfulness of the chuckle that roamed inside her carefree frame. There was a warm spot on her cheek though that felt wet and it seemed to put some pressure on her. She didn't mind it but it made it hard to focus on the sun and all the pleasantness. She started to pull out of the brightness and in to a hazy darkness even though she would much rather stay where she'd been. _

Amanda mumbled a little as Frannie kept pushing her muzzle to her cheek. Finally she stirred and the dog made a chipper 360 turn before coming back to bump her muzzle at her owner again to make sure she didn't go back to sleep.

"Whatcha want Frannie?" Amanda mumbled a bit annoyed as she tried to get her eyes to stay open long enough to be able to get a clear image of her beloved canine.

"I'm awake," she said trying to avoid the licks showering her face right now. She loved her dog but there was just times when her affectional gestures didn't beat a nice, comfortable dream. And since a calm sleep and nice dreams where rare elements these days, her nights plagued with nightmares most of the time, she wished she could've stayed there a bit longer.

As her senses slowly started to come back to her though she could tell that the sun was already set high on the New York skyline and she heard the faint sound of her alarm clock coming from down the hall. Her eyes popped up immediately and she sat up, her eyes franticly searching for a clock or any device that could tell her what time it was.

She was on her couch, covered in her thick winter comforter that she'd brought out with her after a specifically haunting nightmare just wouldn't let her out of its grip and the bedroom didn't feel like a safe retreat any longer. It wasn't the first time she'd retreated out there and it wasn't the first time she overslept either. _Why the hell couldn't she learn to bring her alarm clock with her or set the alarm on her phone?_

"Useless as tits on a bull," she mumbled as she scrambled to her feet pushing her way past the distraught looking dog and down towards the bedroom. She went on to call herself every curse word that came to mind as she headed in to the bathroom letting her alarm clock ring as she desperately for the toilet right now.

She had a missed call from Fin and she called him up as she rushed down to her car with Frannie pulling ahead in her leash.

"I'm so sorry," she started with as he picked up.  
"Overslept again?" he mumbled and she had a hard time picking up if he was pissed or not.  
"Yeah, well no, this… what do you call it, thing in my kitchen broke and…"  
"Don't worry about it," he said cutting her off and she got a sense he was just saving her from coming up with another lie.

She was pretty sure he'd made her already, that she kept lying and she hated knowing it probably made him worry about her. She'd tried to let him know she wasn't gambling, that she was keeping up with her meetings, but she just didn't want to tell him the real reason why she was running late as it would bring up a whole other batch of questions. _Why did she have nightmares? What were the nightmares about? It was questions she just didn't want to answer. That she didn't know how to answer._

Fin spoke again, pulling her out of her shame filled thoughts.

"I just wanted to give you a heads up Liv might be coming in today after all," he said.  
"Why? Isn't she at the conference?" she asked as she loaded Frannie in on the floor of the passenger seat.  
"Yeah, I dunno really, she reached out to Nick, he wasn't sure what was up though," he informed her and Amanda just got a bad gut feeling that spread throughout her body quickly.  
"Weird," she mumbled.  
"Could be nothing but just be here before she gets her okay," Fin said and she head the concern in his voice. He was a really good partner, trying to have her back even when she didn't deserve it.  
"I'm dropping off Frannie and then I'll be right in," she said and then hung up after Fin told her to just drive carefully.

**When Amanda finally** rushed in to the squad room she mumbled a 'morning' and 'sorry for being late' to Amaro and Carisi as she continued over to her desk. She shot Fin a quick look and got the 'glad you're here even though I'm a little pissed at you' look from him as she hung her jacket.

"We got anything from tech?" she asked as she was seated and he nodded.  
"Really?" she asked excited.  
"Cool it," he said immediately, "it's a long list. There were several parties in the house, a lot were on their phones."  
"But receiving a phone call at that exact time? Where's the list?" Amanda couldn't keep her excitement down. Both Amaro and Carisi were throwing her glances but she was only eager to get the list from Fin.

"It's on your computer," he let her know, "I asked them to separate the traffic so the most recent list is the one with only dial up traffic."  
"How many on that one?" she asked as she was checking her computer.  
"At least twenty known numbers," Fin answered.  
"So some unregistered?" she assumed as she opened up the most recent mail from tech. Fin confirmed that assumption but Amanda was still hopeful they'd find their assailant on that list.

Amanda got totally absorbed with the case. They had thirteen subscriptions owned by males and would start with those. Since a phone wasn't always used by the registered party they would still have to check out the nine other numbers but they decided to start with the men. Since they had a rather long list, a lot of addresses spread across the city to visit, Amaro and Carisi volunteered to help out. Divide and conquer Carisi joked but Amanda was too swallowed up by the prospect of solving this case to even smile.

Fin and Amanda took the southbound addresses while Nick and Sonny took northbound. Since it was a Sunday and right after new year's, people getting ready to head back to work after the holidays, it was quite easy to find people at home. Before lunch they'd spoken to seven people on the list between the two teams. Amanda was suspicious of one person they'd talked to and Nick &amp; Sonny also talked to one shady person.

It wasn't until they broke for lunch Amanda had a look at her phone and felt a little relieved she hadn't received a single call all day. She felt as though she'd jinxed it though as she saw her sergeants name in the window just moments after she'd put her phone back down in her pocket.

"Hey," Liv said once Amanda picked up, "How are you? Things going okay?"

Amanda got a little tense off the bat, her sergeant usually didn't start with any pleasantries but got straight to the point once she called her least favorite detective. That's how Amanda pictured herself in Liv's eyes, she knew she often exaggerate things but in this case she was pretty sure her feeling was spot on.

"Fine," she answered a bit hesitant, "We're working the new year's stabbing slash rape attempt."  
"Yeah I figured, will you be in at the station anytime soon?" Liv asked and sounded like she only listened a little halfhearted.  
"Well no, we're checking of a phone list since we think the perp got a phone call as he ran out of there. Amaro and Carisi are helping out but we still have plenty of names left…"  
"Would you mind taking a break just for a while? Check back in here at the station?" Liv sounded awfully cooperative which made Amanda even more on edge.  
"We were just getting lunch, you know how Fin gets…" Amanda tried a joke but the chuckle that would've sold it got stuck in her throat.

They were actually standing in line to order and judging by the looks Fin was giving her he really did want to get up to the cashier now.

"I really need you to come in, chief Dodds is here as well," Liv said.  
"Dodds?" Amanda questioned and saw Fin's look change a little by the sound of the unpopular man's name.

"Could you try and be here within thirty?" Liv asked.  
"Fin and I?" Amanda asked as she got a little nervous something big was going on.

"Yeah," Liv answered but there had been a brief hesitation, Amanda had heard it and she couldn't help but wonder if the hesitation stood for something. She wanted to ask Liv what was going on but since they didn't have that sort of relationship she didn't feel able to and just let her sergeant know they would be right in.

"We were getting lunch," Fin complained as Amanda hung up and he'd just heard her tell Liv they were heading back in.  
"You want to grab something to go?" she suggested.  
"What's going on?" he asked, "You mentioned Dodds."

Amanda just shrugged.

"Not sure, she wants us to come in asap. You want?" she asked and gestured back over to the cashier as to ask again if he wanted to buy something.  
"Just let's get back," he said and they started heading back out, "We'll take an extended lunch afterwards, they'll owe us that."

He patted her back a little as they headed out of there. She nodded but hadn't really heard him, the knot in her gut had most of her attention right now. She jumped in behind the wheel and took off.

Fin checked in with Amaro on the drive back to the station. He got a little jealous as he learnt they were sitting down for some lunch and he had a hard time hiding that from his tone of voice as he informed him they were making a detour to the station before heading back out. They decided to check in with each other in a few hours again. Once Fin got off he briefed Amanda on what had been said but she seemed really absentminded and he had to repeat himself.

"Okay, sounds good," Amanda mumbled without looking at him.  
"You okay?" Fin asked.  
"Just hungry," Amanda lied and kept watching the traffic.

She almost wished they would run upon a traffic accident just so they could drag out whatever was awaiting them at the station. No sign or help from above though, she should've known none would come, either luck or godly intervention ran in the Rollins family. The only thing you could count on being a Rollins was a threshold a little too high so you'd trip over it or losing money on even the safest bet. _Count your blessings? What a load of crock. You had to fight in this life, Amanda had learnt that from a very young age. Nothing just landed in your lap, except trouble maybe. No, not even that. Just as she could hold herself accountable for the few achievements she'd had in life she was also responsible for many of the difficulties she'd found herself in. And there had been some serious trouble alright._ _Why couldn't she ever stay away from trouble? Why did she always cause trouble? _

She felt her heart pounding a little as she walked in to the squad room. She'd let Fin take lead, falling behind him a step or two since being behind his steady frame usually made her feel secure and she felt in need of that right now. She spotted Liv in her office but she couldn't see Dodds just yet.

Liv spotted them too and came out. She looked sharp in black slacks and top covered by a grey, somewhat fancy blazer. _Had it been for the conference? And why wasn't she still there?_ Liv smiled at them and it got Amanda even more worried.

"Dodds' on the phone, just hang your jackets and come in to my office," Liv said with an overly friendly tone. _What the hell was going on here? _

Fin shot Amanda a puzzled look over his shoulder as they hung their jackets.

"What's going on?" he asked, putting words on what had just been in her thoughts, but Amanda just shrugged. He walked ahead in to Liv's office as Amanda was dragging her feet a little. Liv had momentarily sat down behind her desk but got up as they walked in.

"You want me to…" Amanda asked and gestured to the door.  
"Leave it, Dodds should be back any moment now," Liv smiled and leaned down against her desk slightly.  
"What's going on?" Fin asked. He was hungry and not in the mood to be called in to the principal's office.  
"Let's just wait for Dodds," Liv said and then turned towards Amanda and shot her another smile.

Fin sighed rather loudly as he shoved his thumbs down his jeans pockets, all he wanted was food and couldn't wait to get out of there. Amanda felt very uneasy. Liv kept throwing her somewhat nervous glances which didn't make her feel any calmer. She was so stuck in her own thoughts she didn't notice Dodds walking in and she jumped a little as he spoke right behind her.

"Sorry about that," he said closing the door behind him. As he passed Amanda he touched her elbow slightly which felt weird. _She couldn't remember a time Dodds had ever touched her, they hadn't even shook hands_. He walked up next to Liv and leaned down on the desk right beside her. He looked to Liv for a moment as he crossed his arms in front of him.

"Have you told her?" he asked Liv and Amanda found herself griping the visitor's chair in front of her but tried to not make it too obvious she was in need of support. _Told her what? Had something happened to her sister? Her mom? No, why would Dodds be here for that? _

"I was waiting for you," Liv said contemplating to add a sir at the end but restrained herself. Dodds hadn't really earned her respect.  
"Okay," Dodds said and looked over at Amanda.

She felt a shiver go down her spine as the man pierced his blue eyes in her but she did her best to not show it. She could feel Liv's eyes resting on her as well but she didn't dare to meet those set of eyes.

"There's been a… an _incident_ down at the hotel where most of the out of state participants at the law enforcement conference are staying," Dodds explained and thousand thoughts rushed through Amanda's brain but she did her best to focus on what he was saying. _An incident? What did that mean?_

"The incident involves some members of the Atlanta PD which I understand you transferred from," Dodds stopped talking and Amanda finally responded with a nod when she realized he was waiting for some form of response.

"Detective Reese Taymor and deputy chief Charles Patton," Dodds said next and Amanda was afraid everyone in the room would hear her heart as it started pounding what felt like out of her chest.

"Do you know anyone of them?" Dodds asked.  
"I've never heard of Taymor," Amanda answered quickly.  
"But Patton? You know him?" Dodds asked and Amanda somehow managed to nod.

"Who is he to you?" Dodds asked and Amanda cleared her throat a little.  
"Deputy chief Patton was my superior officer for six years," she answered and was surprised just how calm she was able to sound. Dodds nodded while Amanda caught Liv stirring a little, she looked as uncomfortable as Amanda was feeling right now.

"Okay, and what else?" Dodds asked impatiently as though he'd expected her to tell him more.  
"What else? I'm sorry sir but what is going on here? What's the _incident_?" she asked and tried to straighten up a little.

She could feel sweat leaking from her armpits and hoped her green top wouldn't give it away. She wished she'd more time this morning to choose something a little more comfortable. Right now everything felt very uncomfortable.

Dodds had given Liv a quick glance and she seemed to take it as her cue to jump in.

"Detective Reese Taymor was found unconscious in her hotel room this morning and I was called up since I was on sight and it also was suspected she'd been raped," Liv explained with that soft tone of hers which immediately made Amanda put up her guard. _Raped? Why had they called her in there?_

"Taymor mentioned Patton and they are both being processed at the hospital as we speak," Liv said.  
"You've charged Patton with…" Amanda couldn't say it out loud but thankfully didn't have to as Liv started shaking her head.  
"He's not charged yet," she explained, "There's some... things to sort out. We're bringing him in to question him."  
"He's coming here?" Amanda asked and immediately wished she hadn't sounded so frantic. Liv nodded as she watched her intensely.  
"I'm going to hold the interview," Dodds jumped in.

Both Liv and Fin reacted to the fact Dodds used _interview_ and not _interrogation_. Amanda was more focused on the fact the walls seemed to be closing in on her right now, she had a little trouble breathing knowing Patton might be brought in like a suspect. And of rape.

"I'd like to know if you've heard or know anything that can be useful to me," Dodds kept going.  
"Useful…" Amanda had a little trouble following.  
"I'm asking if Patton is capable of something like this?" Dodds asked and sounded a bit offensive. Liv even felt him leaning against her slightly and felt a need to come to her detective's aid. She put her hand up in the air slightly to get Dodds to back off.

"Amanda you've talked about your previous precinct being a bit of a boy's club. Is Patton part of that boy's club?" Liv asked.

Amanda just watched her for a few seconds, she was still stuck on the fact her sergeant had called her by her first name, that rarely happened.

"That's just… I mean… What I meant was…" Amanda felt flustered, wishing she'd never mentioned that.  
"He was condescending," Fin suddenly jumped in. He'd seen his partner struggle and wanted to jump in. He did get Dodds and Liv's eyes off her for a moment but she wasn't sure he helped out that much.

"He withheld information from you, from _us_," Fin continued, "He eyed you…"  
"_Eyed_?" Dodds asked a little confused as he shook his head.  
"Fin," Amanda pleaded. He wasn't helping.

"This isn't helping at all," Dodds said and got up on his feet throwing his hands out a little. Fin caught Amanda backing up a small step and he watched her with a little concern.  
"I'm going to need to question him in just a little while, he's been accused of rape by one of his detectives," Dodds was obviously frustrated as he started pacing a little by the side of Liv's desk.

"A high ranking officer from out of state being accused of rape here in my city," Dodds went on.  
"Sir, don't get ahead of yourself," Liv tried.  
"She cried rape, we have to investigate," Dodds blurted out aiming his frustration at Liv.  
"Cried?" Amanda questioned sensing something. Liv turned to her.

"When I got there, when I started questioning her, she withdrew her accusation," Liv explained.  
"So why are you proceeding?" Amanda asked a little stunned but she swallowed hard as she caught Liv's eyes narrowing slightly.  
"She had obvious defensive wounds," Liv said, "We _always_ investigate rape claims."  
"Of course," Amanda hurried to say.

"But he has a clean record," Dodds said with that same frustration in his tone, "This could get really awkward."

Liv seemed to ignore him and turned to Amanda instead.

"I would appreciate if you stayed in, since you know the department it would be helpful to have you here," Liv said. Amanda looked over to Fin, her eyes almost pleading for him to get her out of there. Liv turned to him too though.

"Can you handle the interviews on your own or join forces with Amaro or Carisi?" she asked him.  
"I guess," he said, "If I'm not needed here?"

He would prefer to stay by Amanda's side, something told him she needed someone by her side right now. Liv shook her head though.

"We'll be fine here," she said.  
"We need to catch lunch though," he said and gestured between himself and Amanda. Liv got on her feet. She looked to Dodds who'd kept pacing but now behind her desk. For some reason he came across a little as a cartoon right now, like he was about to blow and you could expect steam coming out of his ears.  
"Go grab a bite and then hurry back okay," she said once she looked back over at Amanda, "Patton will be here soon though so don't take too much time."

She would've preferred to be able to exchange a few more words with Amanda but she rather do that when Dodds where not around anyway so she decided to let them go out for a while.

"Let's go," Fin said as he got up by Amanda's side and she still wasn't moving. She started moving towards the door and then headed straight for their jackets but he still sensed something was up with her. He tried to get eye contact with her but she was good at the evasive game and they got all the way down to the ground floor before he caught her eyes.

"Where you wanna go?" he asked but she just shrugged.  
"Wanna get a sub since we don't have much time?" he suggested and she nodded.

He had to coax her along using his words as she seemed a little bewildered. They walked the block and took one turn to find the sandwich restaurant Fin had thought off and he held the door open for her. She'd been quiet all the way there and stayed quiet as they waited in line. He could tell a lot of things were going on inside his partner's mind right now and he could also tell this was one of those times when she didn't want him to ask anything about it.

When it was her time to order the cashier had to call for her attention as she was still lost in her thoughts. She ordered something random of the daily menu. It wasn't necessarily so strange as she wasn't shy of trying new things but he noticed that the sandwich she ordered had salami on it, one of few things she shied away from.

"Eat here or take with?" the cashier asked and to Fin's dissatisfaction she asked for a bag.  
"You _have_ time to sit down for a few minutes," he said over her shoulder.  
"I better head back," she answered though without looking at him. She didn't wait for him to order and said bye the moment she'd gotten her change back.

The cashier had to call for Fin's attention as well as he was watching Amanda's back as she left the restaurant. He was really hungry but he still stepped out of line, hurried over to the door and felt calmer as he laid eyes on her again. She was walking slowly but determined in a straight line down the street. He wanted to call out after her but something made him not do it. He saw her toss her lunch bag in a bin right before she turned the corner and out of his sight.

**Amanda felt completely** blank inside. She felt stressed and her skin was crawling but on the inside… completely blank. Lots of thoughts and feelings bounced around inside her head, her chest and even down in her gut but none stuck. They came but then went away just as fast. _Patton had raped a detective of his. He'd raped… a detective. She'd been found unconscious. Defensive wounds. But she'd retracted her statement. Maybe he didn't rape her? Maybe this would all go away? Maybe nothing had happened? Nothing at all. _

She found herself back at the station's lot. She really didn't want to go back in but she knew she had to act as nothing was out of the ordinary. This was just an ordinary day, an ordinary case. Except it wasn't.

She stopped the moment she spotted him. Deputy chief Charles Patton was escorted from a car near the entrance by two plain clothed officers. A cold breeze caught his beige long coat as he walked up the stairs to _her_ station and that same breeze hit her face seconds later and it felt as though it would knock her to the ground. She stumbled back a few steps but managed to keep upright. She turned around and covered her mouth with her hand. She couldn't do this. _Why was this happening? Why now? Why here?_ She took a couple of deep breaths as she tried to steady herself. _She had to steady herself._ _She had to walk inside now._ She turned around before she could give it much more thought and walked up the same stairs that Patton had just walked up. She tried to act as everything was okay but she kept her eyes out to make sure she didn't catch up to Patton. She couldn't spot him as she walked in to her squad room and she hoped he'd already been brought down to one of the interrogations room. _With a mirror between them things would be fine. Things would be okay. _

She spotted Dodds and Liv in the office, they seemed to be talking. At least Dodds, his hands were gesturing and he seemed to be in his usual vigorous mood. Amanda hung her jacket and then walked up to her desk, contemplating to sit down until Liv called her back in. When she looked up though Liv already had her eyes on her and gestured Amanda inside. Reluctantly Amanda dragged herself in there and the judgmental look Dodds gave her as he spotted her didn't make it any easier to keep up appearance.

"This is Reese Taymor's file," Liv said and held out a manila file towards Amanda, "Take a look, maybe you recognize her after all?"

Amanda flipped the file open and found herself staring down into the blue eyes of a very pretty, blonde, young woman wearing a uniform. Her hair was pulled back and the ponytail resting over her left shoulder. Her face had that stern look but with that slight smile across her mouth. Amanda recognized it from her own photo and from many others she'd seen over the years.

She didn't recognize this woman though. Looking through her info it wasn't strange as she'd transferred from Tampt, Florida to Atlanta PD a couple of months after Amanda had left for New York. She'd made the move from officer to detective last year, pulled by Patton much like Amanda herself. _She wondered if Sam had been involved as well. If Reese had done decoy and undercover operations for him just as Amanda had done? _

"Rollins?" Liv said for a second time, raising her voice a little.  
"Huh?" Amanda said looking up. Liv gave her a kind smile. Everything about this was bizarre.  
"Anything stand out?" Liv asked keeping that smile over her face.  
"There's not much here," Amanda said.  
"No, you're right," Liv said and then looked to Dodds, "Maybe you should go in to him now?"

Amanda got a sick feeling in her gut and turned her head to the right immediately spotting Patton sitting at the table inside the interrogation room next to Liv's office. Her heart skipped a beat and for a moment she thought she was going to throw up. _How had she not spotted him until now?_ She didn't think her legs would work but as she spun around she was actually able to move her feet the few steps it took for her to reach the window. Her skin started crawling again as Patton turned his head a little towards the window. She felt as though he was maybe able to tell she was out there but she knew that was silly and tried to push away the thought that he could actually see her through the mirror. But his eyes were so piercing. That black jacket, his red striped tie, his sophisticated grey hair neatly combed back. Reese didn't stand a chance. Patton would charm his way out of this. She was sure of it.

_She got a vivid flashback of Patton all up in her face. His spit landing on her face as he cursed her out in front of a few of her squad mates. What was it about? She couldn't remember. All she remembered was how mortified he'd made her feel. Like a piece of shit and in front of her squad as well. _

"You okay?" Liv asked as she stepped up by her side by the window. She touched her arm just a moment before she spoke and it made Amanda flinch.  
"Yeah, of course," she answered a little too fast.

Dodds stepped through the door and Patton rose to his feet. Amanda watched Dodds greet Patton with a friendly smile and a sturdy handshake. He said something about what an honor it was to meet him, made it sound like Patton was some hotshot. She listen to Dodds say something about how sorry he was for making Patton miss the last day of the enforcement conference and Patton, with his usual urbane tone, replied that it certainly was a pity since New York had really treated them to great conference this year.

"Smooth talker," Liv stated and pulled Amanda back from a dark part of her mind. She hummed affirmative.  
"Has he always been?" Liv asked and glanced a little sideways at Amanda. She just shrugged slightly though.

Dodds and Patton was still just small talking so Liv took the opportunity to dig a little.

"So you must have something on Patton having worked with him for six years," Liv said and caught Amanda's blues briefly.  
"Fin found him condescending," Liv continued when Amanda still didn't say anything, "I actually shook his hand yesterday at an intermission, he came up and introduced himself, mentioned you…"  
"Oh," Amanda breathed and Liv could tell she got a little interested. Liv nodded as she watched Patton for a while through the mirror.

"I didn't get to chat with him long but I got to say I got the same impression as Fin," Liv looked back over at Amanda but then Amanda turned her eyes away again. Liv observed her, thought about how to best probe further. She'd only swopped a few words with Patton yesterday, too few to really form a valid opinion of what type of man he was but she'd talked to Reese and gotten the impression she was afraid of the man sitting in the interrogation room right now. And Liv had a strong suspicion Amanda wasn't telling them everything she knew about this man either. She decided to lie.

"Just got a sense he didn't really approve of me as a sergeant and running this unit, got a feeling he thought that was a man's job," Liv said and Amanda again made a hum that sounded affirmative.  
"Not sure I could've handled the boy's club down there," Liv said and finally Amanda replied.

"You adapt, when you don't know anything else you just go with it," Amanda said calmly as she kept watching Patton.  
"How did you adapt Amanda?" Liv asked and caught Amanda's eyes shifting slightly her way. Amanda shrugged and Liv thought for a moment she wouldn't get any other answer.

"You act tougher than… you perhaps feel," Amanda said, her voice a little lower.  
"You play the game. You let a few sneers go by, try and let them just slide off you. Don't take it personal. At least try not to."

Liv caught Amanda's corner of her mouth go up slightly but then dropped just as fast. Patton and Dodds shared a laugh inside the interrogation room and Liv caught the frown over Amanda's face.

"You have to prove yourself better constantly," Amanda continued and seemed to be in a bit of a daze, "That you can be counted on, relied on. That you can pull your weight. Be one of the boys."

Amanda gritted her teeth slightly.

"But… it's always in the way, the fact that you're a woman. They don't mind using it, decoy, honey traps, then it's all good to have a woman around but you're never an equal. You have to be on alert constantly. Keep your guard up, be ready to protect yourself cause it can happen at any time…"

Liv waited for Amanda to keep going but she remained quiet, a glaze over her eyes as she watched Patton.

"Things not worth pursuing?" Liv finally asked but regretted it the moment she saw the haze lift from Amanda's face and their eyes met.  
"Did Patton do things _not worth pursuing_?" Liv still tried and searched for any emotion on Amanda's face. She thought she saw a tiny crack but it was ruined the moment someone knocked on her office door which made Amanda immediately avert her eyes down. An officer popped his head in.

"You said you wanted the result from the hospital the moment it arrived," he said apologetic.  
"Ah yeah, of course," Liv said but felt bad for leaving Amanda's side if even for a moment.

She met the officer half way and accepted the envelope he handed to her. Liv thanked him and then immediately pulled out the paper to check the result. She let out a heavy sigh that made Amanda turn to glance her way. It was obviously not good news but Amanda was afraid to ask. Liv looked through the photos that were also in the envelope. It was images of detective Taymor's body. A photo of her wrist that had slight contusion marks. Another one of a bruise on her inner right thigh and a third one of apparent finger marks at the side of her neck. Liv put the paper over the photos as she walked up by Amanda's side again. She expected Amanda to ask her about the result but she didn't so Liv filled her in as she observed her.

"It's the result of the exam of detective Taymor," Liv said slowly, "There was semen present. Patton's."

Amanda clinched her jaw together but tried to keep her face otherwise still.

Inside the interrogation room Dodds had finally started to ask Patton about detective Taymor and what might've happened at the hotel last night. He asked about Patton's relationship with her and Patton cleared his throat a little.

"This girl and I _were_ involved," Patton said stoic and then raised his hand slightly showing of his wedding ring, "As you can probably tell it is somewhat sensitive. I had an affair, _we_ had an affair. I'm not proud of it but it did happen."  
"You used _were_, when did this affair end?" Dodds questioned carefully. Patton seemed to have to think about it.  
"A couple of months ago I guess," Patton answered a bit too casually, "Sometime back in August I would estimate."  
"But last night, you _slipped_ perhaps?" Dodds suggested. Patton looked a bit amused.  
"Open bar, nice hotel room, different city, yes I might've slipped," Patton answered with the smile lingering, "Have you seen her? She's not _not_ a looker that one."

Dodds nodded and smiled as well.

"She's certainly not bad looking but the problem is… she's saying it wasn't consensual," Dodds said, again watching his words carefully. Patton looked a bit shocked but shook it off quickly and put out his hands a little disarming as he leaned back on his chair.

"Sounds to me like she's having a bit of remorse this morning, I dunno what to tell you Dodds, she was pleasantly consensual last night," Patton smiled.

On the other side of the mirror Liv let out a offended sound which made Amanda glance her way.

"Another thing found during her exam," Liv explained, "traces of ketamine in her blood."

Liv had turned to meet Amanda's eyes as she told her this and caught the slight expansion of her eyeballs but Amanda found herself quickly.

"But Taymor retracted, she said she wasn't…"

Again Amanda couldn't say the word.

"Maybe she's ashamed?" Liv suggested, "Maybe she's afraid of her superior officer? Maybe she's playing the game to fit in with the boy's club? That wouldn't be so strange now would it Amanda? We could understand that right?"

Amanda couldn't breathe, she felt unable to look away and she couldn't give any form of affirmative answer that she felt Liv was expecting of her right now.

"The drug in her blood and these marks," Liv said and got the photos up and handed them to Amanda, "tells me she wasn't a willing participant. Or what do you say?"

Liv kept watching Amanda as she looked through the three photos.

"Maybe she likes it rough, nothing wrong with that," Amanda said with barely a whisper. Liv waited to say something until she had Amanda's eyes again.  
"Or maybe she was raped," Liv suggested.

Amanda handed her back the photos, doing her best to keep her hand steady as she did. She broke the stare by looking back inside the interrogation room where Dodds seemed to be a little irresolute on how to go on.

"I should probably get this to Dodds, he seems to need it to conduct a proper interrogation of Patton," Liv said after a brief silence on both sides of the mirror. She was hoping Amanda would say something but she just couldn't wait. They had to pursue Patton and it seemed like Dodds had lost his spunk so Liv felt obliged to step in. She put the photos down in the envelope but kept the lab results up at the front as she left Amanda's side and stepped in to the room.

The moment Liv had closed the door behind her Amanda took a deep breath that stalked up in her throat. _Her chest hurt. Her entire being hurt. She felt as though she was coming down with the worst of flus. _

"Sergeant Benson," Amanda heard Patton say with played enthusiasm as Liv entered and walked up to Dodds. Liv shot him a brief but superficial smile. Liv put the envelope and paper down in front of Dodds and pointed to the line where it said that semen was found and who it matched with. She then pointed to the tox result. Patton seemed a little amused by their attempts to play interrogation leaders and he chuckled a little.

"Say Sergeant," Patton said while Dodds frowned at what he was reading, "is Amanda around? I wouldn't mind just saying hi to her."

Amanda saw Liv glance towards the window and it made Patton do the same. Amanda met his eyes through the window. He definitely knew she was there now and the thought of having to actually face him scared the hell out of her. She rushed out of Liv's office, contemplated leaving her jacket behind but realized she needed it so she turned back to grab it but then ran as fast as she could out of the squad room. She took the stairs, apologized to several people that she bumped in to in her attempts to make a fast getaway out of the station house. She ran over the lot as fast as her legs carried her. She was set on getting as far away from this place as possible. As far away from that man as possible. From him and the destruction he brought. _This was it_. What she'd feared for years now. That time when her past would catch up to her and her world would surely crumble.


	3. Chapter 3

Are you sure you know what you're asking for when you ask for Rollaro at this time? Okay you asked for it. It's not in this chapter, trying to keep them 6-7,000 words to get them out faster, but in chapter 4 you'll receive what you asked for but you've been warned ;)  
Love love love reading your reviews, couldn't ask for a better xmas gift. Happy new years!  
Oh and the official theme song for this fic is Rachel Platten's **Begin Again**. You didn't think I'd forgotten right :)

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**Chapter 3**

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_"I do not speak as I think, I do not think as I should, and so it all goes on in helpless darkness"_ ~ Franz Kafka

* * *

Fin pushed through the doors, escaping the freezing cold and met the warmth from inside the bar. He didn't care about either the cold or warmth though, or that his feet were killing him having pushed through snow and slush for over an hour searching for her. His eyes immediately scanned the bar for her just liked he'd searched the twenty plus bars he'd visited before this one. He had no words to describe how relieved he felt as he finally spotted her sitting alone by the end of the bar. He'd almost given up on finding her.

About two hours ago he'd walked back in to the station and Liv had immediately approached him asking him if he knew where his partner was. Since he'd thought she'd been at the station the whole time he had no answer for her. He learnt she'd picked up and left sometime during the time Liv had been in with Dodds talking to Patton. She didn't have to tell him she was worried, he could tell on her face. Liv had tried calling Amanda but she wasn't picking up and then her phone had turned off, directing Liv directly to her voicemail.

"Can you find her?" Liv had asked with a pleading tone and Fin had nodded. Of course he would find her. He wasn't really sure how though. _She could be home, at the gym, fought the cold and went out running. When was her GA meetings again? _He started with calling her friend to see if she'd picked up Frannie. When he learnt she hadn't he ruled out home and maybe out running as well. Since he had the resources and didn't feel ashamed to use them he went downstairs and consulted one of the tech guys he trusted. He learnt her phone had last pinged between these three towers on Long Island, it was over an hour ago though so it would be a strenuous chase but one he'd been willing to endeavor.

Someone entered the bar behind him and he had to take a step to the side to let him pass. He wasn't quite ready to approach her yet. He had no idea what to say and she just looked so beat he wasn't sure anything he could say right now would make her feel any better. But he knew he had to try. Whatever she was bottling up was obviously wasting on her.

As he approached he could tell she spotted him over the rim of her glass.

"You're a hard woman to track. I hit half the bars in Long Island City," he said when he was close enough.  
"I don't want to talk about it," she said and gave him a headstrong glare as he sat down next to her.  
"I'm not leaving," he said determined and leaned against the bar with his eyes on her.

She tried to keep her stubborn look but she was too tired to pull it off for long and her face mellowed quickly. She was clearly too beat to even obtain her own personality. She sighed and then downed the rest of her drink. She pushed her empty glass away from herself and signaled the bartender for another one. Fin waited to say anything else until the bartender had been by to fill up her glass. He'd declined anything to drink, he figured it was best to stay sober right now. He let her taste her new drink, waited for her to put down her glass again before he spoke.

"What happened with you and Patton?" he asked and watched her face crumble slightly. It eased quickly though and she stirred a little on her chair.

"…I was Patton's shiny blonde protégé. The good girl. Smart. Just like he likes 'em," she said with a bit of a slur. She'd kept her eyes fixed on the drink in her hand but now she looked up and shot him a crocked smile. He could tell it didn't reach her eyes though. She looked down again when she couldn't keep up the facade and she traced the rim of her glass with her finger. She stayed quiet and he wasn't sure what to ask. He knew too little about what had gone down between Patton and this detective at the hotel, it was clear Liv thought they had a rape case to solve but Fin also knew she usually sided with the potential victim until the evidence told otherwise.

It was obvious his partner held some demons from back home, he'd figured it could have something to do with her old captain. She'd hinted he'd made advances, innocent ones as far as he knew and she'd also hinted she wasn't completely blameless but the prickly behavior he'd shown when they were in Atlanta had made Fin suspicious. Her captain didn't seem to take rejection very well.

With this latest development though, along with the way Patton had treated her in Atlanta and what she'd just told him he started to worry Patton was the culprit to her current downward spiral. _And if he'd raped his latest protégé what had he then done to previous ones? _

"Talk to me Amanda," he begged. When she didn't say anything he carefully put his hand over her forearm. She stopped with the repetitive tracing of the glass and set her eyes on his hand instead. When she looked up at him her eyes were glazed and he had a hard time keeping his own emotions in check.

"What happened Amanda?" he managed to ask through a clenched jaw. He wasn't sure he could handle the answer and braced himself best he could. She looked as though she could start crying at any moment but then she set her jaw and he could see how she fought to get a grip on herself.

"Just tell me," he begged. He knew begging could backfire, that it could make her lash out or even run out but it was all he had right now.  
"It's no use Fin," she whispered so quietly he almost didn't hear her.  
"If you have something to say Amanda then of course it's of use," he said squeezing her arm.

"What happened?" he tried again.  
"Patton is a chauvinist," she said pulling her arm back and he immediately removed his hand, let it rest on the bar beside her instead.  
"But he wasn't the only one," she added quickly and he nodded a little when she glanced his way.

"He could…," she started but clamped up frowning slightly. Fin gave her time.  
"He could be really mean," she said after she'd taken a few deep breaths, "He made sure you knew your place. You needed to _show_ him that you knew your place."

Fin tried breathing calmly but he was already having trouble staying calm, his disgust for Patton increasing rapidly. He pulled his hand down in his lap, needed to close his fist to control his anger as he listened to his partner talk.

"He liked showing you off though, didn't mind parading you around on his arm. Make it seem as he was taking that new young detective under his wing, learning her the ropes so to speak. Taking pity on the skirt cause she needed it so desperately you know," Amanda shot him an awkward smile.

"He did teach me a lot though," she said sadly as she looked back down. She kept staring down at her drink for several minutes.  
"To what price?" he finally asked and pulled her out of her thoughts. She looked at him, her eyes were scarily blank all of a sudden.

"I got nothing that can help that girl, if I'd reported him back then but now it's too late…"  
"It's _not_ too late Amanda," he said.  
"I'm not gonna…," she swallowed hard, "Not gonna tell anyone how he…," she pierced her eyes in him, seemed to study him closely, "…_groped_ me," she finally finished.

Her eyes weren't blank any longer, they were filled with emotions and Fin could tell how hard this was for her to tell him. She had to look away to keep a grip on herself.

"I handled that, I stopped that and if I…," her voice had gotten high pitched but now she looked around, seemed afraid someone would hear them and she lowered her voice as she continued, "If I now came forward, you know Fin, you know what reputation that would give me. I'd be a snitch or even worse they would say I asked for it, that I _liked_ it and that's why I didn't come forward back then. I just couldn't… I mean I know I'm not helping that girl out but Fin…"

She had to stop as her voice was failing her and her head dropped even more while biting her lip, hard.

"You have to watch your own back," he said to help her out. She looked back up at him, searching his face to see if he was honest or just saying what he thought she wanted to hear.  
"So you don't think I'm betraying her?" she asked, guilt displayed all over her face. It was Fin's turn to study her.  
"You sure that's all that happened?" he asked.

Her brows frown slightly, she looked as though she wasn't following him.

"He groped you. Nothing else happened?" he put it out there.

Something didn't sit well with what she'd told him so far.

"Fin," she complained pulling away slightly from him as she looked around awkwardly.  
"Just tell me that's it and I'll back you whatever you want to do," Fin said.  
"That's all he did," she said as she took a swig of her drink, "It wasn't worth pursuing, Sam said so, he…"  
"Sam? Your captain? He knew this was going on?" Fin's voice got a little louder.

She looked at him trying to shake it off.

"Forget it Fin, it's nothing really. I just want to _not_ think about it. This. It's not like I'm already screwed up enough right?" she tried to smile at him.  
"Amanda…," Fin tried but she shook her head at him right before she downed the rest of her drink.  
"I need to get out of here, c'mon let's go," she said and got off her chair. She put a few bills on the bar next to her empty glass and then started to put her jacket on. He reluctantly got up off his chair. He wanted to talk more about this. Something still didn't feel right.  
"C'mon," she said as she could tell he didn't want to leave. He followed as she started to move towards the exit.

"Let's get something to eat," he suggested as they got out on the street. Amanda pulled her jacket closer around herself, the wind was really freezing.  
"I got to get home, pick up Frannie," she said to turn him down gently.  
"Let me drive you, my car's just a few blocks away," he said gesturing down the street. She shook her head though.  
"C'mon Amanda," he pleaded.  
"I need a bit of air and then I'll just jump a cab," she said taking a step away from him. She could tell on his face he wasn't going to give in but neither was she.  
"I'm fine Fin, really," she said, "I'll see you in the morning."

She smiled at him and then turned her back at him, making sure she was steady on her feet as she walked away from him as she knew he was watching her. And he was. He was watching her, wanted to somehow make her stop, turn back around and talk to him some more. He knew it had been hard for her to open up to him. He wanted to trust her but he knew his partner, he knew she often downplayed important matters. Like how she'd remained stoic once they found her place emptied by her sister. He could tell how her face was crumbling but still she'd said 'no big deal' and she'd wanted to keep it a secret from the rest of the squad.

That was her way. Shake it off and move on. He figured it came with being through so much shit that in order to survive you just had to shake things off. But it came with a price. It took its toll on her even if she didn't want to admit it. _Question now was if he was helping her by not pushing further or if it made him a accomplice to more personal destruction?_

When Amanda was pretty sure he wouldn't call her back or catch up to her she let her face crumble slightly. She felt like crying. _Why did her life has to be this way? Why had all of that happened back in Atlanta? Why hadn't she been stronger? Braver? She could've stopped him. She had the physic even with her tiny frame. She should've been able to fend him off. How could she ever tell Fin what really happened? How could she ever tell anyone? For years she'd tried to tell herself it didn't happen. That everything was fine. But she wasn't so sure it was. _She wasn't sure she was fine and she tried wiping the tears off her cheek._ She wasn't allowed to cry. She wouldn't give him that. He wouldn't get her to cry. _Never again and she tried straightening herself up as she continued down the street. She took a few deep breaths of the cold air as she kept walking straight ahead, welcomed the sting down in her lungs._ She would be fine. No one would ever find out what happened to her. She would be fine. _

**Liv was used to** being one of the first ones in at the station. Noah was an early riser so she still managed to squeeze in quality time with him in the mornings, a time she appreciated very much since she managed to stay out of her work mode at that hour. This morning though this whole mess with chief Patton, Atlanta and what part Amanda had in all of it crept back in the moment she opened her eyes. She even thought she had a dream about it during the night.

The talk with Patton yesterday hadn't led to much. He was a sly bastard. Liv had already made up her mind she despised the man. Detective Taymor had made herself inaccessible for an interview yesterday but Liv had managed to catch her over the phone finally and talked her in to coming in later today. With the medical report, finding traces of Ketamine on the rug where she seemed to have spilled her drink – the glass itself missing somehow though – and Patton's fingerprints in the room Liv managed to talk Dodds in to continuing the investigation. She got him to get help from IAB since she didn't trust the Atlanta PD and they would search Patton's house as well as office during the day.

Liv had kept her own squad away from the case so far, well except from the short briefing with Fin and Amanda but she would need their help today. They had to interview the other three members of the Atlanta PD that were up her for the conference as well. They would also have to watch the hotel surveillance tapes, talk to the staff and some of the other officers that had attended the conference dinner Saturday evening.

Liv was mapping out her day as she walked in to the squad room and was a little surprised to see Amanda already at her desk. Sure she could be in early but lately running late was more her constant. _Maybe that was linked to this as well? Maybe it had actually started when she went back to Atlanta back in November?_

"Rollins," Liv said and made Amanda flinch. It wasn't often you could sneak up on her and already Liv was suspicious.  
"Oh, morning Serge," Amanda said trying to hide her initial scare with a smile.  
"What happened to you yesterday?" she inquired. Amanda cleared her throat a little.  
"Oh I'm sorry about that, I had to run out. The new year's case you know," Amanda told while flipping some papers on her desk.  
"I thought Fin would handle that for you," Liv said but tried to not sound too aggressive or reprimanding.  
"The victim you know, she's warmed up to me," Amanda tried.

Liv had learnt to read signs and there was something about Amanda's eyes avoiding to look at her that told her she wasn't being truthful but for some reason Liv didn't feel like confronting her right now. Something told her Amanda needed a little bit of time and distance right now.

"Will you crack it?" Liv asked instead and caught the slight look of relief that came over Amanda's face. She started nodding.  
"Yeah I think so," Amanda said, her face much more relaxed, "this phone call, someone called the perp as he fled. Still some people to talk to but we got three suspicious ones so far and I've pulled their records, this one," Amanda pulled a paper out from a small stack on her desk, "he assaulted a classmate in college. There was a knife present."

Liv had a closer look at the profile pulled on a guy now in his mid-twenties.

"I think we should bring him in, make him sweat a little," Amanda said and looked a little too excited.  
"Yeah okay but Amanda," Liv said and made sure she had her attention before she continued, "I'm going to need your help today… on the Patton case. The entire squad. I'm taking Taymor's statement later today and I would appreciate having you around since you are familiar with her situation."  
"Yeah of course," Amanda said but sounded a bit flippant and had already gone back to watching her computer screen. Liv thought about pressuring her a little further but decided against it and retreated to her office.

It didn't take long until Nick walked in and he made Amanda break her gaze from the computer.

"What happened to you yesterday?" he asked once they'd exchange a couple of mornings.  
"What?" she asked frowning slightly.  
"Fin had to work solo yesterday, what happened to you?" Nick asked and when Amanda realized he was only curious her face eased a little.  
"Oh, Benson just needed me in here for a while," she said casually, "I'll help out today though."

Nick nodded, contemplated walking up to her but since Carisi walked in he sat down instead. Amanda told them about what she'd dug up on their suspects from yesterday. Fin walked in as they were all putting up a strategy for the day and joined in quickly. Liv came out to interrupt them though, Amanda looking the most annoyed as Liv called them in to her office as she let them know she had to brief them on a new case.

"Could I just," Amanda said making Liv turn back around, "I mean since I already know, could I just work a little further on this."  
"I want you all to hear this," Liv said though after just a slight hesitation. Amanda tossed her pen down on her desk, lips pouting slightly and she dragged her feet in after the three male detectives.

"Close the door please," Liv asked her when she finally came inside.

Nick, who walked in first and therefor ended up furthest away from Amanda, by the side of Liv's desk, observed her. It was a long time since he'd seen her this obstinate and he found it a bit strange. Once she'd closed the door she leaned up against the wall right by the door and crossed her arms somewhat defensively. Fin was observing her as well but a lot more subtle than Nick did.

"Okay," Liv said at the same time as she exhaled and gathered their attention, "we got a bit of a delicate case on our hands."

She stayed standing behind her desk and tried to keep her eyes between Nick and Carisi as it was them two she needed to brief the most but also as she didn't want to make Amanda feel anymore bothered than she obviously already felt.

"As you know I attended the law enforcement conference this weekend but it was cut short for me as I was called up to a hotel room early Sunday morning to a suspected crime scene. A detective had been found unconscious in her bathroom and as she came to she said she had been raped."

Liv had both Nick and Carisi's attention while Amanda was watching her shoes as she bit her lip and Fin where mostly throwing her side glances. Their talk at the bar yesterday was still fresh in his mind and he had a unsettled knot in his gut.

"As I started taking her statement though she retracted her rape claim but since she had rather obvious defensive wounds, abrasions around her wrists and marks around her throat, and the room looked somewhat disturbed we proceeded investigating. I managed to… _convince_ her to go to the hospital for an exam and we also went ahead and processed the man she'd accused at first. He was her superior officer."

"A chief?" Carisi gasped and almost sounded thrilled. Liv nodded but gave him a bit of a firm look.

"At the hospital a bruise was found on the inside of her thigh as well as Ketamine in her bloodstream," Liv talked slowly and her eyes wandered over to Amanda, "and we also found semen present. Came back as a match to our suspect. Dodds held a initial interview with him yesterday and I'm interviewing the victim today."

She cleared her throat a little before she continued.

"I briefed Fin and Rollins yesterday since the parties involved are from the Atlanta PD," Liv explained watching her words.

"You know these people?" Nick asked a little shocked and aimed it at Amanda.  
"I know the accused," Amanda answered monotonic without looking at anyone of them.

"Is she trustworthy? The detective?" Carisi asked Liv.  
"We have no reason to doubt her," Liv said a little annoyed.  
"But she retracted right?" Carisi said.  
"She seemed scared, he's her superior officer," Liv said.

"The man's a prick," Fin added.  
"I met him when we were down in Atlanta," he explained as he got strange looks from both Nick and Carisi, "Total a-hole."

"Okay," Liv said so Fin wouldn't rally on, "His name is deputy chief Charles Patton and the victim is Reese Taymor. Don't go spreading their names around though, we need to handle this discreetly. We're getting video surveillance tape from the hotel, three other members of the Atlanta PD will have to be heard as well as hotel staff and the people who sat by their table at dinner. Ketamine was found in her room in a stain on the rug but the glass was missing. IAB has sent agents to Atlanta to go through Patton's office as well as his home. Dodds will be in later, I don't need to tell you he's busting at the seams over this," Liv let them know.

"Are we holding Patton?" Nick asked. The look Liv gave him gave him the answer.  
"He's been set up in another hotel," she still said.

"And Taymor?" he inquired.  
"She kept herself inaccessible but we got her back late last night and set her up in the same hotel, different room though of course," Liv answered.

"Why inaccessible?" Carisi asked, "She's uncooperative?"  
"We'll see later today when she comes in," Liv said as she didn't want to discuss that right now.

"What do you want us to do?" Nick asked, eager to be of help as always.  
"Until the tapes comes in there's not much to do so keep working the new year's case, I understand Rollins has some leads," Liv said looking to Amanda but she continued keeping her eyes hidden.

"Dodds might want to hold the interviews but if not I would appreciate a second chair from one of you," Liv said but looked at Nick as she thought him most suitable.  
"Okay that's it for now," Liv said and Amanda hurried to open the door. Nick shoved past Carisi so he could get to the door quicker.

"Fin," Liv called out but kept her voice low, "could you stay for a sec."

He nodded and Carisi passed him.

Outside Nick had caught up with Amanda.

"You worked with this guy?" he asked with a slight hesitation. She gave him a look.  
"_For_ him yeah," she answered with a shrug.  
"What's he like?" he asked and got another look from her.  
"I dunno what to tell you Nick. Fin's not wrong, he's a bit of a prick," she said casually as she started going through her papers. Nick kept glancing her way as he walked over to his own desk.

Meanwhile Liv had gestured at Fin to close the door.

"What's up?" he asked as he came back and took his usual casual stance in front of her desk.  
"Did you find her yesterday?" she asked. He gave her a suspicious look before he nodded.  
"Did she… tell you anything?" she inquired carefully. Fin took a deep breath, turned slightly and shot a look out towards the squad room at his partner.

"Look Liv," he said as he turned his head back around, "I don't want to betray her trust…"  
"So she did tell you something," Liv guessed but immediately got an annoyed look by Fin.  
"Okay, I get it Fin," she hurried to say, "but I'm looking out for her best here too, I only want what's best for her. I need to know to keep her protected."

Fin looked like he contemplated it and Liv kept quiet hoping he would spill whatever it was Amanda had told him cause she knew it was something.

"Patton's one of _those_ guys Liv," Fin finally said, "You've already sensed it. He's manipulative, crude and... handsy. She doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't need the gossip you know."

He paused slightly but could tell she was about to object, probably try and talk him in to something.

"No Liv," he said unwavering, "She doesn't want to talk about it and we have to respect that. And she's not to blame for what happened to this girl. She tried to tell her captain, he said it wasn't worth pursuing, if anyone's to blame…"  
"Her captain used those words? Not worth pursuing?" she cut in and Fin nodded as he both sighed and rolled his eyes. He hated Sam about as much as he hated Patton right now.

Liv's thoughts ran wild. _Those words came from her captain? He let that slide? Exactly what did he let slide? What kind of corrupt captain would let one of his detectives get violated in any form? What captain would it make her if she left it alone? What kind of… friend did it make her for not inquired about the 'not worth pursuing' earlier? For three years she'd done nothing, seen Amanda deteriorate, maybe even helped her along by treating her harsher than she should've. What would Cragen have done?_

"Liv," Fin repeated a little louder and brought her out of her thoughts.  
"What are you thinking? She doesn't want to get involved Liv," Fin reminded her and emphasized that last sentence.

"Her captain is one of the people coming in later today. He's going to get asked about Patton and if he mentions her we have to bring her in Fin, we can't withhold anything. This case is too important to withhold anything."  
"He's not going to say anything, he's holding Patton's back Liv. We know these types."

"And that's why we need Amanda," Liv said as he'd just contradicted himself.  
"She doesn't want to get involved Liv," Fin still withheld though.  
"It's not up to her Fin," Liv said and got another look from Fin.  
"I'm just saying she might not be able to stay out of it," she quickly added and Fin eased a little but still looked crossed.

"Do you want to sit in if Dodds leaves this in our hands?" she asked him. He gave it a quick thought.  
"Nah, bring Amaro, I'll probably not be able to keep my head cool," he admitted but something told him Nick might not be able to stay cool either.

**As Liv had almost** expected Amanda found a way to sneak out of the station but at least she brought Fin and Liv knew she could reach them if she needed to. The hotel surveillance tape came and Liv put Carisi on it as she preferred to have Nick free to interview witnesses. Dodds stormed in before any witnesses though, immediately putting pressure on Liv to proceed tactfully. He wanted her to really understand they were handling co-workers here but Liv didn't really see it that way but knew not to disclose that to Dodds at this point. He did let her know IAB agents were searching his house and office as they spoke though. Apparently they'd already found Patton's wife trying to get rid of some material which Dodds acknowledge as suspicious but he still didn't want to jump to any conclusions yet.

Carisi was done with the surveillance tape and showed what he'd found to Liv, Dodds and Nick. They had tape of Patton and Taymor having dinner and drinks at the same table as their three colleagues; captain Sam Reynolds, sergeant Alan Winn and detective Isaac Dudgeon. Two of their nearby dinner companions, a captain from Oklahoma and lieutenant from Idaho would join them at the bar. Sergeant Winn was the first one to leave the company and half an hour later, at 10 PM Taymor left and they had tape of her walking up to her room by herself. She seemed steady on her feet. The rest kept drinking until close to 11 PM when the company broke up and scattered to their individual floors. Patton was on the second floor but made his way up to the fourth floor, where Taymor stayed. She opened the door for him and they were seen in the door talking for a while. Taymor seemed reluctant to let him in but when he finally entered it did not look as Patton forced his way inside. Patton left her room at 1 AM in the same outfit as he'd entered but now with his jacket folded over his arm and no neck tie. The tape itself didn't prove an assault but it did give them a time frame.

Reynolds, Winn and Dudgeon walked in soon thereafter and Dodds sucked up as expected. The other two officers walked in a few minutes later making the squad room a bit crowded. Since Dodds hadn't mentioned how he wanted to proceed with the interviews Liv was a little worried she wouldn't be able to push captain Reynolds in the direction she wanted. As Dodds offered to show them around and Sam got stuck behind in her office watching a photo frame Liv saw her chance to catch him alone.

"Sam," Liv said calling for his attention just as he was about to go join the others.  
"Yeah?" he said turning back having a swig of the Starbucks coffee he'd been treated to by Dodds.  
"Could I just ask you something, off the record a bit," she asked. Sam looked a little guarded but nodded.  
"Is there a reason why Rollins was transferred up?"

Sam looked if possible even more guarded.

"I don't know what you're fishing for here sergeant, you had an opening…" Sam said a bit evasive, "I knew Cragen so I put in a good word for her."  
"Yeah I know that but I'm…" Liv felt like she might have rushed this and tried a different approach, "What I mean is she talks good about you, you seemed to have had her back."  
"I'd like to think so yeah, she's a good detective," Sam smiled and seemed to relax a little.  
"So maybe you were looking out for her…" Liv left it hanging and hoped Sam would jump in. He looked as though he was just about to do just that when Dodds' voice interrupted them from the door.

"There you are, you're missing the grand tour," he said and it made Sam quickly departure from her office.

Liv sighed slightly but then walked out after them, not that she really wanted to listen to Dodds suck up but she felt forced to.

Once they were back out in the squad room Fin and Amanda had returned and Liv didn't miss Sam and Amanda exchanging head nods from a far. Dodds said something about not being able to avoid the inevitable and of course turned to the higher ranks first. Liv had caught Sam shooting Amanda glances over at her desk though and got a little uneasy as he offered for someone else to go before him.

Dodds had allowed Nick and Carisi to join with the interviews to get through them quicker and Liv sent Nick with Dodds to make sure she had a trusted ally in the room. Dodds and Nick headed down to an interrogation with the captain from Oklahoma as Liv and Carisi brought the lieutenant from Idaho in to the interview room next to her office. Liv sat down so she could still see the squad room. Sam, the sergeant and the detective were all gathered around Nick and Carisi's empty desks chatting with Fin and Amanda. Every now and then their laughs broke through the glass between them. Liv had a hard time concentrating on hearing the lieutenant but thankfully Carisi was on point and knew what questions to ask.

Since it was rather obvious he had not seen or heard anything out of the ordinary, Patton had high jacked the conversation but been nothing but polite according to the lieutenant, Liv didn't feel all that bad about not giving the interview all of her attention. She did listen though as Carisi asked him about Taymor and his impression of her, she'd seemed sweet according to him although not been very talkative. He couldn't account for how many drinks she had during the evening but she had at least one at the bar. He was sure she'd been steady on her feet as she left the bar though.

When Liv glanced out through the window though she noticed Reynolds was missing and when she leaned a little to get a better view of Amanda's desk she realized she was missing too. Liv hurried to end the interview, telling the lieutenant to get in touch if he remembered something else. She left him with Carisi and hurried out. Fin was still chatting with the sergeant and detective from Atlanta but Liv cut in, placing herself a bit rudely with her back towards them so she could direct her question at Fin.

"Where's Rollins?" she asked with a low voice.  
"I dunno, down the hall," Fin said with a puzzled look.  
"With Reynolds?" she asked and Fin nodded. He looked a little worried as Liv hurried down the corridor.

She went on a hunch and burst through the closed door to the bunks. She caught Amanda at the far end of the room with what looked like Sam charging her a little and he stepped away from her the second Liv entered. They both looked caught doing something they weren't supposed to do, Amanda deflecting her eyes down at the floor as she kept holding on to her elbow liked she'd done as Liv burst in. Sam squirmed a little in his jacket, cheeks flaming slightly and his eyes had a hard time staying on Liv's as he backed up even further from Amanda.

"What's going on in here?" she asked harshly.  
"We… we were just talking," Sam answered as soon as he managed to get a word out.  
"Rollins?" Liv asked as she didn't trust this man one bit. Amanda nodded a bit unevenly, her eyes still not coming up all the way to meet Liv's.

"Are you sure?" she asked, her tone very maternal.  
"Yeah," Amanda answered as she realized Liv wouldn't give in until she said something, "we were just talking."  
"You're up captain," Liv said piercing her eyes in Sam, "you're mine."

Sam straighten up and started towards the door. Liv stepped aside only as he was right by her and he didn't challenge the fierce look she gave him. She watched him walk away and waited until he'd gotten far enough to be out of hearing range before she turned back around towards Amanda. She'd finally let her elbow down and awkwardly put her hands down in her back pockets.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Liv asked.  
"Yeah," Amanda said and did her best to meet Liv's eyes.  
"Did he threaten you?"

Amanda shook her head immediately.

"No, no we just talked," Amanda answered, "really."

Liv tried to get a good read on her face. She wanted to trust Amanda but there was a rift there to begin with and Liv knew, thanks to Fin, that she'd kept things from her regarding this investigation already. Liv could understand Amanda's dilemma, being a female in this line of work wasn't easy. Liv had some experience herself but she knew she'd gotten away easy in regards to other women in blue. Liv had her own principles though, you sticked up for one another. Amanda would have to stick up for Taymor. But right now Liv would stick up for Amanda and she would start right now by going after Reynolds. She would go after him hard.


	4. Chapter 4

**I hope you had a wonderful new year's. I've been busy writing :) This chapter ran a little long, I'd promised you Rollaro so I didn't want to rob you of that but I did warn you. There's a slight smut warning for the end of this chapter, followed by a major pulled-heartstring-warning ;)  
This chapter picks up a little before the last one ended, just so you'll know what really went on between Amanda &amp; her former captain in the bunks.  
I'd love to hear what thoughts &amp; feelings this chapter evoke amongst you. Wish you a great start of 2015, you have surely made my new year start happily &amp; I'm very grateful for that. XO**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

* * *

"_Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies." ~ Oliver Goldsmith_

* * *

Amanda almost started to get used to feeling tense around her own squad room but chatting with Sam and the others made her feel even more so and she struggled to not just bend over and puke in her bin. She knew sergeant Alan Winn, he worked Vice in Atlanta when she did a brief tour there. He was one of the good ones, skilled, humble, he reminded her a bit of Munch. She didn't know the detective but he seemed to be an okay guy. Right now though this whole situation felt threatening and it took everything for her to keep up a straight face.

The situation didn't get any better as Sam pretended to have a look at the signed baseball at her desk and then leaned over and silently asked if he could talk to her in private. She felt like saying no but found herself giving him a quick nod and then took him down the hall to the bunks. She felt a little uncomfortable being alone with him and hugged herself slightly just to be able to do something with her arms.

"Does your serge know?" he asked right after the door was closed behind them.  
"Know?" Amanda questioned shaking her head slightly.  
"About what happened in Atlanta? Why you transferred?"  
"I-I dunno… what?" Amanda was confused.

Sam walked up to her and she couldn't help but back up slightly. He stopped the moment he noticed.

"She cornered me just now and asked me about your transfer," he let her know.  
"What did you say?" she asked a bit nervously.  
"Well nothing, I wanted to talk to you first," Sam said.  
"Don't tell her anything Sam, please," she begged.  
"But…," he sounded and looked a little indecisive, "I mean we know what Patton is, well we didn't know he could go this far right?"

He gave her a look and she tried to keep as a straight face as possible.

"But we knew he could bully and intimidate," Sam went on, "As for Taymor I dunno," he shook his head, letting his hand run through his hair, "I mean it was rather public knowledge she had something going with Patton a few months ago and all this might turn out to be nothing. But if it's not it could probably help her if you tell them how he attacked you."

"No Sam," Amanda said shaking her head, hugging herself even tighter, "I don't want to go through that again. You know the looks I got down there, I got enough trouble up here already I don't need _that_ as well. I don't want to have to transfer again, please Sam," she was back to begging again.

"But if this is a pattern of his Amanda. He doesn't take no for an answer right? If we could stop him, shouldn't we?"

Sam kept watching her for a bit. He could tell she was uncomfortable and a part of him just wanted to hug her and tell her things would be fine. He wanted to tell her he would do whatever she asked of him and they could run away from here right now and never turn back.

"Amanda," he whispered and reached out his hand. She pulled away though, letting her one arm go and just hugged her one arm closer to herself.  
"Your serge knows something Amanda, wouldn't it be better to tell her?"  
"If Patton did… _that_ to her my serge will get him. She doesn't need me and you can't tell her okay. Please don't tell her Sam," Amanda pleaded with her eyes.

Sam's hand was lingering in the air between them again, he wanted desperately to touch her but could tell how guarded she was, always so guarded.

"Amanda I would never…," he didn't get further as Liv burst through the door. He immediately backed off Amanda, getting his hand on his jacket and straightened it slightly.

"What's going on in here?" Liv asked, her voice low and grim.  
"We… we were just talking," Sam answered as soon as he managed to get a word out.  
"Rollins?" Liv asked. Amanda nodded as best she could and tried to look at Liv but was unable to.  
"Are you sure?" Liv asked, her tone very domineering.  
"Yeah," Amanda answered as she realized Liv wouldn't give in until she said something, "we were just talking."  
"You're up captain," Liv said piercing her eyes in Sam, "you're mine."

Sam straightened up and started towards the door. Liv stepped aside only as he was right by her and he didn't challenge the fierce look she gave him. She watched him walk down the corridor and when he was far enough away she turned back around towards Amanda. She'd finally let her elbow go and awkwardly put her hands down in her back pockets.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Liv asked.  
"Yeah," Amanda said and did her best to meet Liv's eyes.  
"Did he threaten you?"

Amanda shook her head immediately.

"No, no we just talked," Amanda answered, "really."

Liv stuck around for a bit and studied her but then she finally walked out and followed Sam down the hall. Amanda dared to let out the breath she'd been holding and once the air was out of her lungs the pain spread through her body. She turned around and gripped the nearest locker. _This was getting too much. She wasn't sure how long she could keep this act up. _She had to go sit down on the nearest bunk.

**Down the hall Sam** had taken a seat opposite Liv and Carisi, he could tell on Liv's face she would probably come true to her word. She was after him but he'd made a promise to Amanda and he'd failed her enough already. They got through the first day of the conference, the dinner and the bar scene rather quickly. Sam's statement didn't differ much from their previous interview subject. Since he knew both Patton and Taymor previously though it got more interesting when he was asked to tell them about what he knew of their previous history.

"Look I don't want to trash talk anyone but it was rather common knowledge the two had a… well a fling of sort," Sam said and obviously felt awkward for bringing it up.  
"A fling? Tell us more," Liv said.

She'd been running this interview which Carisi found a bit weird since she'd been really distracted during the previous one and left most of the work to him.

"There were rumors about them two hooking up," Sam said scratching his head a little.  
"_Rumors_? So you actually don't know," Liv said unimpressed.  
"They'd been seen around town okay, so not _just_ rumors."  
"Who saw them?" Liv asked but Sam just gave her an averse glare. Liv felt as though she might be coming on too strong but then Sam took a deep breath as he leaned back on his chair.

"Can we go off record?" he asked looking straight at Liv. She raised her brows at him.  
"I'll give you your statement but let's go off the record for a while," he said with a sigh.

Liv wasn't sure she could trust him but after keeping her eyes on him for a few beats she turned to Carisi and gave him the nod that meant turn off the recorder.

"So we're off the record," Liv said dropping her pen and clutching her hands on the table. Sam copied her pose and fixed his eyes on her.  
"Patton's got a reputation to taking a liking to the ladies," Sam said straight up.  
"Does he have a type?" Liv asked and Sam nodded.  
"The young blonde ones," he declared without any doubt, "He's married though, to a matriarch but she got the liking for the bottle. He doesn't really let her out in public. He's a charmer, talks a lot but mostly leaves it at that. At least that's what most folks thinks."

"But you know differently," Liv stated more than asked. Sam cleared his throat.  
"I might have a few names for you but you didn't get them from me okay?"  
"Okay," Liv said. She still didn't like or trust him but he was starting to make a slight improvement in her eyes.

"You might have a harder time with the ones still on the force but you should talk to Angela Morris, she left the APD back in…," he had to think about it, "2004. She was a friend but I'm not sure what she does today, if she's even still in Atlanta but she had a kid, Charlie, and her mom's name is Rita Morris. Our mom's are friends, the mother still lives around there."

Liv was writing the names down on her pad.

"And what are we talking about here?" she asked looking up from her note pad, "Are we talking rape or sexual assault."  
"Assault," Sam said quickly, "As far as I know Patton has never raped anyone. Like I said, he's a charmer, he knows how to smooth talk and he knows how to... suppress. I talked to Angela, her kid had a lung decease, I can't remember the name of it, Patton preyed on her when the kid was in the hospital. He got… handsy when she turned down his proposals."

"What kind of proposals," Liv asked. Sam sighed.  
"I don't really know, indecent ones I guess. She didn't really want to tell me and this was one tough cookie, I'd never seen her like that."  
"Did she report it?" Liv asked and Sam nodded.  
"She did but you won't find the report," he added though.

When Liv asked he told her the report had vanished and Angela decided to leave the force after a few months when the glares and pestering from the rest of the station got too much for her. Sam gave them another few names. Two were civilians, women who'd walked in to the station claiming harassment but as far as Sam knew nothing had come out of the charges. He had five other names within the department. One he suspected something happened to as she left the force after being tormented publically by Patton for a couple of months, he was only lieutenant back then and he didn't have more than her name. Three other females had left the station house, one worked department of corrections now, the second one state patrol and the third one was a beat cop in zone 4. The last one was still at the station but working homicide since a couple of years.

Once Liv had the eight names written down on her pad and Sam had stopped talking she looked at him seriously.

"Do you want to add another name to this list?" she asked. Sam looked at her for a few long seconds but then broke their gaze as he folded down his eyes.  
"That's all I got," he said and leaned back on his chair. Liv drew a straight line underneath the last name on the list, contemplating whether to push him or not. Carisi squirmed a little in his chair next to her though and she decided to leave it. For now. She signaled to Carisi to turn the recorder back on.

"So Taymor, you don't think she's been raped?" she asked instead. Sam shrugged.  
"She doesn't strike me as a person who would cry rape or lie about it so if she says that's what happened I think you have to investigate," he answered rather casually.

"But if chief Patton claims it was consensual would you be inclined to believe him over her?"  
"As far as I know Patton has never lied either so, again, I guess you would have to investigate."

"If I told you we found Ketamine in her blood, would that change anything?" Liv asked.  
"Ketamine?" Sam repeated stunned, "Taymor was drugged?"  
"Yes."

Sam seemed lost in thought for a few seconds.

"Well like I told you she didn't seem intoxicated at all as she left the hotel bar. I know Ketamine takes effect in like what, 10 minutes?, so it could not have happened at dinner and the waiter brought us drinks. She sat on the other end from Patton, if anyone spiked her drink then it would've been me," Sam said with a chuckle. Liv gave him a look.

"I was never in her room," Sam said when he realized his mistake.  
"We know, we have the surveillance tapes," Liv said letting him off the hook instantly.  
"So Patton was in her room?" Sam asked. Liv left him hanging for a while but then nodded. Sam sighed loudly.

"Are you charging him?" he asked. Again Liv let him wait for a while.  
"Not just yet, we're investigating for the time being but it doesn't look good for your boss I got to tell you," Liv said and tried to hide the gloat from her tone. She wanted nothing else than bust this creep.

"Will you keep yourself available if we need to talk to you again captain?" Liv asked as she wasn't sure what else to ask right now and she needed to get through the interviews so she'd be ready for Taymor right after lunch.  
"I might have to travel back, we're running leader thin back home, but I'll be back if or when you need me sergeant," Sam said and rose to his feet as Liv did the same. Liv walked after him to the door but before he opened it he turned towards her. Liv caught him shooting a glance to make sure Carisi had turned the recorder off.

"You are keeping Taymor here right?" he asked discreetly.  
"You mean we shouldn't send her back to Atlanta? Why?"  
"Look I like my hometown but keep her here okay?"

Liv glared at him but then nodded.

"I'm planning on it," she said as they walked out.

Amanda was back at her desk, both her and Fin deep in work. Dodds and Nick seemed to have brought the lieutenant in which left only the Atlanta detective left to question. He was planted at Carisi's desk reading a newspaper.

"I'm up?" the detective said getting up on his feet.  
"I'm just going to grab a coffee, you want one?" Liv said. The detective shook his head.  
"I'm fine ma'am," he said. Liv shot him a smile before she walked over to the coffee pot. Carisi had followed her which she hadn't noticed and she jumped slightly as he breathed over her shoulder.

"Do you and that captain have history or something?" he asked.  
"What?" Liv asked a bit offended.  
"I just thought you'd never met him before but you just seemed…," Carisi realized he might be making coming off offensive but he'd just felt totally puzzled during that last interview, like his sergeant had some agenda against the captain.  
"What was that about another name? Do you know something?" he asked.

Liv had felt a bit offended but it eased once she looked at him and only saw that zealous and curious face of her newest detective.

"I just think he might know more than he's letting up," Liv said and looked over Carisi's shoulder at the captain who'd wandered up to Rollins desk again and was chatting with her and Fin.  
"Yeah, I felt it too. Can't be easy being a dame down there, no wonder Rollins' keeping a tight lip," Carisi said looking her way. His face changed a little as it dawned on him she was blonde. Liv didn't give him time to think more about it though as she told him it was time to head back in.

**Liv and Carisi finished** their third interview of the day some time after Dodds and Nick had finished their second. Dodds were waiting impatiently for them in Liv's office once they said thanks to the detective and sent him away along with the captain and sergeant. Nick tagged along back inside her office, he'd left Dodds alone as the man got restless and frankly a bit stupid. He clearly didn't handle stress well.

Dodds started the briefing and he declared that they had nothing that indicated Patton was a rapist. Dodds could tell on Liv's face though that she didn't agree.

"What?" he asked impatiently, not in the mood to play any guessing games.  
"We got something, off the record though," Liv said sitting down behind her desk.  
"Off the record? Why? From whom?" Dodds asked aggressively, leaning down on her desk.  
"It came up, no need for names when it's off the records right?" Liv said playing it cool, "According to this person though, Patton is quite a sweet talker, preys on women."  
"Young blonde ones," Carisi chipped in. Dodds ignored him though but Nick shot him a look, his brows frowning as his thoughts immediately went to their blonde partner out in the squad room.

"I got a few names we should talk to, I want to go down there," Liv said.  
"I need you here Benson," Dodds said pushing himself off her desk so he could cross his arms across his chest as he started pacing the room.  
"All we have so far is Taymor," he thought out loud, "If she wants to retract, then it can all end here."  
"Sir," Liv said getting on her feet, "You can't be serious..."

Dodds gave her a glare.

"Leave us," Dodds said. He was clearly aiming it at Nick and Carisi even though he looked at Liv.  
"But…" Nick tried but quiet down as Liv gave him a look. Carisi was already moving towards the door but Liv had to cock her head towards the door at Nick to get him to move.  
"And close the door," Dodds said still not looking at anyone but Liv.

Nick growled silently but did as he was told.

"What's up?" Fin asked, sensing something was going on as Nick and Carisi walked out of Liv's office.  
"Dodds wants to shut the case down," Carisi said, again not able to hide a slight excitement on his tone. He didn't want to let Patton go but he thought the whole political agenda a bit fascinating. He wouldn't be the least surprised if this case just went away, he'd seen it happen before with higher ranks accused of various mishaps.

"More like cover it up," Nick grunted as he pulled himself from Liv's door. He didn't like leaving her alone in there.  
"What have we done to deserve him," Fin mumbled.  
"Would you have preferred Patton?" Carisi joked but quiet down as his eyes landed on Amanda. Nick had given him a glare but it mellowed as he followed Carisi's eyes over at Amanda. Carisi's _young blonde ones_, echoed in his head.

"Liv will sort him out," Fin said, "No way she's letting him bury this one."

He too shot Amanda a look but she kept her head down. Nick walked over to this desk. The four detectives stayed quiet, every now and then someone glanced inside Liv's office. The sergeant and deputy chief seemed to have a rather calm conversation though, no arms waving in the air or loud voices reaching through the glass. It didn't take long until Dodds walked out and headed straight for the gate without giving anyone a look. Liv stayed seated for a while but then walked out to them. Everyone but Amanda stared at her as she placed herself by Fin's desk.

"It's still an open investigation," she declared and the four detectives all pulled a deep breath. Three were of relief while the fourth was of slight discontent.  
"Are you going to Atlanta? Can I come with?" Nick asked.

Amanda held her breath again, not able to look up at Liv as she was afraid she would see the panic in her eyes. Liv shook her head.

"No trip to Atlanta just yet," Liv informed him.  
"Amaro, Carisi, can you head down to the hotel, talk to the staff that worked Saturday night, talk to restaurant staff and bartender too if you can," Liv said and the two detectives nodded immediately getting on their feet.  
"I'm expecting Taymor to be in, well soon," she said looking at her wrist watch, "but if she's a no-show I would appreciate you bringing her in."  
"Of course sergeant," Carisi said as he moved towards the gate. Nick stayed put a little though and Liv had to give him a signal it was okay to leave. He shot Amanda one last look before he met up with Carisi who was waiting for him by the gate.

Liv stood quiet by Rollins and Fin's desk for a while. She met Fin's eyes before both sets wandered over at Amanda. She was looking at a paper at her desk, lifting it slightly to sell the lie she was actually paying what was written on it attention.

"Anything on the new year's case?" Liv asked and forced Amanda to look up. She shrugged.  
"We keep coming up empty," Fin answered in Amanda's place, "the most likely suspect was at his parent's place and we've confirmed he was at the top floor as the suspect ran. He answered his phone."

Liv nodded.

"We have a few left to get a hold off though, we were thinking of heading out but waited for you to see if it's okay?" Fin asked.

Liv looked over at Amanda, her head was down again. Liv gave Fin a nod and then walked back in to her office. She would have to deal with Taymor first. Dodds looked ready to bury the case if Taymor didn't cooperate, Liv had convinced him otherwise for the time being though but she was a bit worried this would never reach trial.

Amanda felt relieved to be able to head out on the streets. They gathered what they needed, printed out some arrest warrants and mug shots they'd found on some of the people they would try and track down. Fin said he needed the John and Amanda realized that wasn't such a dumb idea and headed down the corridor herself. She heard someone enter as she sat in her stall, the water getting turned on outside. Amanda thought nothing much of it and finished her business. She made sure her clothes were in order before she stepped out, everything just felt uncomfortable these days and her skin just felt sensitive to different materials. She walked up to the washbowl and felt that someone was watching her as she washed her hands.

"You're Amanda right?" the young woman two bowls down said as Amanda looked up. Amanda recognized her. It was Reese Taymor.  
"I've seen your photo in captain Reynolds office. With a trophy," Taymor explained when Amanda just kept staring at her.  
"And… Patton has one of you as well, in _his_ office," Taymor looked sadder as she mentioned Patton's name.  
"Yeah, yeah I'm Amanda," she managed to say finally and reached for some paper towels.

"Softball," Amanda said when the silent got to her and after she'd tossed the used towels in the bin.  
"What?" Taymor asked.  
"The trophy," Amanda said and tried to smile, "we won the summer league, in 09 I believe it was."  
"Oh," Taymor said and managed to smile again.  
"Do you play?" Amanda asked. It seemed like a stupid question the moment it was out there but Taymor didn't seem to think so, she chuckled slightly.  
"Oh no, you don't want to put a bat in my hands," she said shaking her head. Amanda let out a chuckle. Once it died out though the bathroom went quiet again. Amanda didn't know what to say and Taymor kept throwing her glances. Amanda noticed the bruise around one of her wrists and she found herself unable to stop staring at it. That was until Taymor noticed and tried to pull down her sleeve.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered ashamed for being so insensitive. Taymor tried to smile at her but it faded quickly.  
"I was so stupid," Taymor whispered, "I mean I've done a lot of stupid things but sleeping with Patton is surely the most stupid one." Taymor gnawed at her lower lip for a while, her hands gripping the bowl hard.  
"You know what it's like right? I mean how they are," Taymor said looking at Amanda with tear-filled eyes, "You really prove their point by sleeping with your superior. That was so stupid."

Amanda couldn't take it and approached her carefully, reaching up to put a hand on her shoulder once she knew it wouldn't scare the woman.

"But I broke it off, I promise I did," Taymor whispered and Amanda squeezed her shoulder. A tear rolled down her cheek and Amanda couldn't stop herself as she reached up to wipe it away.  
"I believe you," Amanda comforted.  
"I didn't want him there, I told him to leave but you know how he is…" Taymor sobbed as another tear rolled down her cheek and Amanda repeated her previous gesture.  
"I know, he doesn't take no for an answer," Amanda whispered and focused her eyes on her finger over Taymor's cheek as she tried to brush away more tears.

Taymor finally broke down though and she fell in to Amanda's arms. Amanda felt a little overwhelmed but managed to put her arms around the younger detective.

"It's going to be okay," Amanda whispered as she awkwardly stroke Taymor's back. As she listened to Taymor's sobs she felt it harder and harder to keep it together but she was saved by Liv opening the bathroom door. Amanda pulled herself away from Taymor and the younger woman also straighten herself up, trying to wipe her face from the tears.

"Here you are," Liv said, a smile and that caring tone, "I was getting worried about you."

Amanda reached for a paper towel for her that she gave to Taymor to help her out.

"Are you ready to get started?" Liv said.  
"Are you sitting in?" Taymor asked Amanda. Amanda looked a little at a loss and faced Liv.  
"Amanda might be called as a witness," Liv explained, her eyes darting back and forth between the two blondes, "so I think it would be best if she sits out okay? But she's here to talk to, to lean on if you need to. Right Amanda?"

Amanda nodded and Taymor managed to flash a slight smile.

"C'mon, let's get this over with," Liv said encouraging and held up the door for Taymor. Amanda stayed planted but Liv waited by the door until she got moving too. Amanda felt Liv's caring hand brush up over the back of her arm but it felt anything but soft, it stung her and she couldn't wait to get away from it.

**As Fin and Amanda headed out** to interview suspects in the new year's case, Amanda struggling to stay focused on the matter at hand though, Liv sat down with Taymor for what would be a hard statement to get through. It took some coaxing from Liv to get her talking, Taymor was clearly blaming herself for what had happened Saturday night. Liv learnt how Patton had sweet-talked her, charmed her and then after a night out with a few too many drinks talked his way in to her bedroom. She was determined though that he hadn't forced her. She knew it had been stupid but she had let it happen.

They'd continued their affair for three months and slept together for an estimated ten times. Nothing kinky had been going on but Patton did like her to be the subordinate party. He liked her to wear sexy underwear, told her to wear it underneath her outfit at work as he liked to throw her secret, desirous looks. She had plenty of those kind of garments but he'd bought her some new ones as well.

She'd broken it off right before summer as she realized it would not serve her well if anyone else found out she was sleeping with her superior. Patton had not seemed too upset about it but she felt that he maybe got a little meaner, cursing her out in front of others in a way he hadn't before. But she'd toughen herself up and fought through it. There had been some rumors around the station house, about her and Patton, but she'd tried to let them slide. Late last year he had made a few advances but she'd gently but determent turned him down and he'd seemed okay with it, perhaps getting a little too handsy before he stepped off but she'd never thought about reporting him. She did admit that maybe she felt reluctant to report him as she had slept with him and he'd sort of hinted he could hurt her advancement in the department if she didn't comply with him.

Taymor was very reluctant to talk about Saturday night, her memories of the night weren't that lucid which also made it harder for her to recollect. Liv pushed though and learnt Patton had arrived around 11 PM. She'd already gotten ready for bed and she'd tried to keep Patton out but he'd pushed as usual. He'd fixed them drinks while she got a robe on. Since she'd brushed her teeth already she'd declined the drink at first but then ended up sipping the drink after all. Patton usually didn't take no for an answer Taymor explained trying a smile that quickly faded.

She'd started to feel drowsy rather quickly, dropped the glass on the floor and then Patton had put her down on the bed. He'd removed her robe as she tried to fend him off. She'd tried to stop him from undressing her further but then he'd locked her hands above her head and when she still hadn't stopped struggling he'd squeezed her neck and yelled at her to lie still. She'd blanked out every now and then as Patton forced himself at her. She explained that even when he'd let her hands go it felt as though she had no control over them.

Liv explained how they'd found Ketamine in her blood and Taymor started to cry again. Liv did her best to console her, tried to ease the guilt Taymor felt but there was nothing she could say at that point that wouldn't make her blame herself for what happened that night at the hotel.

Once Taymor had left Liv called Dodds to fill him in. He was not happy, ordered her to swiftly write the statement and send it over to him. He would bring it to 1PP and leave it up to them how to proceed.

**The next morning Liv** walked in to her office to find a report from IAB on her desk. It was just a transcript, the full report having been sent to Dodds according to the docket. They'd searched Patton's home and his office. The item list was bleak. They'd confiscated some adult publications, Liv suspected it was a nice way of writing porn magazines. They'd also confiscated a laptop found in a trash bin outside the residence. It had withheld adult but not illegal material which Liv didn't find strange but she figured Patton would be pissed that Mrs Patton hadn't done a better job of getting rid of the laptop.

According to the content list the full report also consisted of phone records and e-mail correspondence but none of that was included in Liv's version. She was a little disappointed nothing more had been discovered but what little they had found only proved what type of predator Liv suspected Patton to be. She'd also got her hands on Patton's personal file and found some interesting bits and pieces in his childhood.

Liv had time to go through the incoming mail and messages. She spotted Nick and Carisi coming in and soon thereafter Fin. Amanda was missing but rushed in, looking a little jagged, about half an hour late. Liv wouldn't bring her tardiness up.

Nick and Carisi had been in to get the scoop of the day, Liv told them to just go on about their day as she hadn't heard from Dodds yet but appreciated them being available in case she needed them. Nick lingered just to make sure nothing new had come in and Liv told him about the bleak find in the house and office raid.

At 9:30 Liv's phone rang and it was Dodds. She could tell from his tone he was stressed and not in a good mood. He wanted her to meet him down at the courthouse, he apparently didn't have time to come to her. Barba would join them as the IPP had decided the case would proceed and would go to court if a settlement couldn't be agreed upon. Liv felt thrilled about the news, a little apprehensive they didn't have enough to convict Patton but still thrilled. Dodds on the other hand didn't sound as thrilled.

"I'll be right there," she said and added a 'sir' to humor him a little.  
"And bring your detective," Dodds said before she was able to hung up.  
"Which detective?" Liv asked.  
"The blonde one," Dodds answered a bit annoyed.  
"You mean detective Rollins," Liv said feeling offended for her and rather enraged but she controlled herself to be able to ask why he wanted her there.  
"Just bring her," Dodds said and hung up. Liv felt a little uneasy but grabbed her phone and on the way out grabbed her jacket.

"Rollins," Liv said and got her to look up from her desk, "Dodds wants to see us down at the courthouse."

She tried to not say it too loud but of course both Nick and Carisi looked over, looking like they'd heard what Liv requested.

"What? Now? Why?" Amanda asked obviously a bit rattled. Liv nodded at her.  
"I'm not really sure but it's about the case," she explained best she could.  
"But we have the new year's case, we were going to head out," Amanda said looking over at Fin, "Can't you take Amaro?"

Amaro looked willing to go but Liv knew that wouldn't fly with Dodds.

"No I'd like you to come with me," Liv said to not have to tell her just yet that it was at Dodds request.  
"Can you cover for her here?" Liv asked Nick and he of course nodded but he did look a little concerned.  
"Ready?" Liv asked trying to smile as Amanda had turned to get her jacket of the wall but seemed to linger there for a while. Amanda didn't answer but just moved towards the gate.

"It's Dodds that want you there," Liv said as they reached the elevators.  
"What…" Amanda breathed as she registered what Liv had just told her. She looked scared.  
"Why?" she asked as they stepped in to the elevator.  
"I honestly don't know but it's nothing to worry about, I'm sure it's nothing special, just that you have firsthand knowledge of Atlanta or something," Liv said reassuring even though she had a gnawing feeling in her gut too.

Amanda didn't look convinced but walked with Liv towards her car once they were downstairs. Liv tried to make light conversation in the car but Amanda was spaced out. Liv finally stated that she'd been late this morning just to get her attention. When Amanda just nodded Liv asked why but instead of trying to come up with an excuse Amanda simply said she'd overslept.

They made their way to Barba's office and found Dodds pacing further down the hall with his phone stuck to his ear. Dodds at least acknowledged their presence but then turned his back at them and Liv told Amanda to just head inside.

"Hi," Barba greeted them as they entered. He was propped up behind his desk, his jacket on his chair behind him which meant his suspenders were visible. They were plain green today and brighten up his grey pants and white shirt.

"I just got it this morning," Barba said as he got up and he held up the file which Liv assumed was the Patton case.  
"Tricky," he said looking at Liv and she nodded.  
"Messy," he said next and looked over at Amanda. She looked down at her shoes though the moment Barba's eyes landed on her. Liv caught Amanda's evasive eyes too and shot Barba a smile when their eyes met again.

"Please, hang your jackets," he said to break the silence and both females did. Dodds jacket was already hanging over one of the four chairs around the table in the middle of Barba's office.  
"Can I get you something?" Barba asked. Liv looked to Amanda first but she shook her head so Liv declined as well. Liv had left the door open but since both her and Amanda had their backs to it they didn't catch Dodds walking in and both of them jumped as he loudly shut the door.

"Okay, let's sit down I don't have much time," Dodds said and was the first one down on his chair.  
"So we're proceeding," Dodds said even before the others had a chance to sit down properly, "Barba will lead for the prosecution."

Dodds looked to his right where Barba was sitting and Barba gave him a single nod.

"We'll sit down with Patton and whoever he hires to defend him later today, we'll have to wait and see where that leads us. You're welcome to join if you want to," Dodds said looking at Liv to his left. She also gave him a single nod, she would very much like to be in that room if it meant putting pressure on Patton.

Dodds quiet down as his eyes went across the table and landed on Amanda. Even Liv shrunk a little even though Dodds' crossed glare wasn't on her. Dodds had a file of his own that he'd put on the table as he sat down and now he reached in to grab a paper from within it.

"Is there some reason you should not be on this case?" he asked Amanda. Amanda looked a bit scared, her eyes darting briefly over at Liv as to ask for help but Liv wasn't sure what was going on or how to help just yet.  
"Seeing how chief Patton called you numerous times this weekend," he finally said and put a phone log down on the table in the very middle. He pointed aggressively to some highlighted numbers. Liv took a closer look, twisting the paper slightly her way to get a better look. There were a lot of posts, both Friday night and Saturday night.

"But…" Liv said as she noticed something, "They're all less than a minute long. You never picked up?"

She looked at Amanda who looked a little flustered. Amanda shook her head barely noticeable.

"So you mean to tell me he called you plus 20 times on Friday and close to ten times Saturday and you never once picked up?" Dodds questioned, still hostility in his tone. Again Amanda shook her head.

Liv gave Amanda a bit of a puzzled look. _That's a lot of calls. Why would Patton be so desperate to get a hold of her?_

"And what do you have to say about these?" Dodds said and pulled up something else from his file. He placed photographs of Amanda on the table. He aggressively laid down one at a time next to each other. Everyone around the table leaned in slightly to get a better look but Amanda and Barba fell back quickly. Amanda with a slight gasp as she recognized the photos. Barba a bit ashamed as Amanda looked slightly indecent on all the photographs and like they weren't for him to see.

"Where did you find them?" Amanda breathed.  
"On Patton's phone," Dodds said with a bit of spite and Amanda gasped slightly again.

Liv looked over at Amanda a little shocked but then looked back down at the photos. The photos of Amanda look intimate, particularly one that laid in the very middle and had Amanda a bit exposed on a bed. Liv grabbed it and flipped it over to save Amanda some embarrassment.

"Why didn't you bring this up in private?" Liv hissed at Dodds, baffled at his humiliating tactic. Barba wished he could just melt through his chair somehow.  
"If she hid this from us…" Dodds started but Liv interrupted.  
"He had porn on his computer…" Liv said not wanting to believe Amanda had actually posed for Patton in such compromising settings as these photos made it seem like.  
"On his computer yes. Regular, call it normal pornographic material. This was on his phone. If she's had some sort of affiliation with this man," Dodds hissed at Liv while pointing his finger at Amanda, "she should've…"

"I didn't," Amanda said though and interrupted him.  
"What?" Dodds spat out.  
"I didn't," Amanda repeated as she straighten up in her chair, "have any affiliation. With. This. Man."

Liv felt a bit proud that Amanda bit back and also little relieved things might not be they seemed.

"So how do you explain these photos?" Dodds said, voice still raised. Amanda shrugged.  
"You didn't pose for them?" he tried.  
"I posed for them," Amanda said briefly, setting her jaw firmly. Dodds glared at her, expecting a more explanatory answer.

"Amanda," Liv said wanting to ease the tension in the room, mostly for Amanda's sake, she could care less about Dodds.  
"When did you pose for them," she asked calmly. Amanda's face eased the moment Liv called for her attention and now she looked a little scared again.  
"I believe it was in… 2010," Amanda said trying to think back.  
"And who did you pose for? Not for Patton?" Liv asked and Amanda immediately shook her head.  
"It was for a sting," she answered but her voice broke and she had to clear her throat.  
"Job related?" Liv asked while she did and Amanda nodded.  
"They needed… _sensual_ photos to tease this… well stalker slash rapist suspect with. We were desperate, he was hard to catch," Amanda tried to explain choosing her words carefully.

"Captain Reynolds? He can vouch for this," Liv said and Amanda nodded.  
"But Patton didn't take them?" she asked and Amanda shook her head.  
"Who did?"  
"Sam did, captain Reynolds I mean," Amanda said and squirmed a little in her chair.

She remembered back to that time. They needed somewhat intimate photos and Sam had taken them to make the situation as comfortable for her as possible. The fact it was him though made it awkward and she remembered how hard it had been to relax and look like she was posing for a man she loved as she wasn't sure what feelings she harbored for him. They needed various photos that would make it seem like they'd been taken over some time and it had taken them at least an hour to finish the shoot during which she'd been forced to wear rather reveling outfits.

"Amanda?" Liv said to call for her attention as she'd seemed to have drifted off somewhere.  
"Huh?" Amanda snapped back to present.  
"Was it Reynolds phone? The photos were they on his phone?" Liv asked again but Amanda shook her head.  
"A temporary phone I believe. Detective Weston would have the phone when we approached the suspect," Amanda answered.

"So you don't know how Patton got a hold of the photos?" Liv asked and Amanda shook her head.  
"Sam promised the phone as well as the photos would be destroyed once we were done," Amanda said her voice failing her slightly as she feared Sam had lied to her.  
"We'll ask him, we'll sort it out," Liv said shooting her a quick smile before she turned to Dodds.

"Happy?" she asked a bit provoking and Dodds looked a little uncomfortable. Liv's eyes went past Barba who'd kept himself still and pushed as far back in his chair as possible during the exchange that had just taken place at the table.

"Why the phone calls?" Dodds asked and broke Liv and Barba's gaze at each other.  
"Why so many phone calls and why didn't you pick up?" Dodds asked again when Amanda looked unsure what to answer.

"I just didn't want to talk to him," Amanda said shrugging slightly.  
"So you know it was him calling?" Dodds asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Why didn't you want to talk to him?"  
"He's not someone I miss from Atlanta," Amanda answered a bit evasive. Dodds pierced his eyes in her and she had a hard time sitting still.

"Could you give witness to inappropriate behavior?" he finally asked as he seemed to put the pieces together and Amanda felt a little bothered feeling three sets of eyes on  
her.  
"I guess yeah," she answered.  
"What _type_ of inappropriate behavior?"

Amanda squirmed a little.

"I… I've heard him talk demeaning about women…"  
"What women?" Dodds questioned.  
"Prostitutes, strippers…"  
"That won't…" Dodds sighed but didn't explain what he meant further, "What about women on the force? He ever act inappropriately towards them?"  
"Yeah I mean it's his… overall personality, the way he is."  
"But you can't pinpoint something he said or did? What about towards you? Has he ever approached you?"

"He had those photos of her in his phone," Liv stated the obvious.  
"Well those photos and Taymor's wavering statement won't win this case, not that I'm sure I want us to," Dodds said leaning back crossing his arms over his chest.  
"Are you kidding me?" Liv burst out, "How can you say that? He raped his detective. He used Ketamine to sedate her. Patton is cleary sexual predator."

"You base that on one rape sergeant?" Dodds questioned.  
"I base that on the fact Patton exhibit many of the common characteristics of a sexual predator. He's arrogant, lacks empathy, and I know that from meeting him twice. We know he's a user of pornography, that he sexualize, objectify women. He's in a power position and he uses that. Viciously. Sexual predators is typically known as rationalizers, intellectualizers, justifiers, great helpers."  
"You could be describing me," Dodds said dismissive, "Well not the pornography part but the rest."

Liv sighed.

"Well, sir, you didn't pray on a woman when her son was in the hospital I hope and if you let me go down to Atlanta to find those other women I'm sure there's a pattern there. That he's used stressful and vulnerable situations to get his needs met. He deems himself entitled, preys on his subordinates. And I've read his file, he was abused by his father, placed in a foster home when his mother couldn't handle him any longer. His case worker mentioned an inability to form intimate relationships with adults."

"We can't judge a deputy chief on something a case worker wrote about him when he was 14 years old. He's respected, acclaimed and a notable figure in the entire state of Georgia," Dodds said shaking his head at her.  
"And that's why he'd been able to get away with this for so long. It's time we put a stop to him now," Liv said fuming slightly while putting her finger down on the table. Dodds didn't seem totally convinced but didn't say anything. No one said anything for a while.

"Patton raped Reese Taymor," Liv said calmly, "Her testimony, Rollins testimony and I'm sure we can find others, with that we'll stop him and we will have cleaned up this police department just a bit."

**The ride back to the station** had been rather quiet. Dodds had allowed Liv to go down to Atlanta and work with IAB to talk to the women Reynolds had mentioned and maybe dig up more on Patton. Liv and Barba would get Amanda's statement and get her ready to testify about Patton's degrading behavior. Barba had asked Amanda's permission to use the photos of her they'd found in Patton's phone. Both Liv and Amanda knew it was mostly a courtesy, that they would be in even if Amanda said no but it was still nice of Barba to ask her.

In the car Liv's thoughts went back to that phone log. 21 calls Friday night and 9 Saturday. She couldn't help but ask and Amanda silently answered that while finishing the pattern seventeen case Patton had mentioned he wanted to grab a drink when he was up in NY in the new year.

"So he wanted to grab a drink with you?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded, keeping her head turned away. _Liv thought about how easy Amanda could've been his victim instead of Taymor had she gone to have a drink with him_. Patton had erased some texts from his phone but of course tech had been able to find them. One had simply read; "_Pick up your damn phone Amanda_." It was offensive and threatening.

"But you didn't want that and you didn't pick up cause you know Patton doesn't take no for an answer?" Liv guessed. She couldn't tell if Amanda nodded or not, she had to focus on traffic. Amanda didn't respond though. She kept her eyes focused straight out the window, tried not to blink as she was afraid tears would spill from her eyes if she did. _She had to stay collected. She would take the stand, tell the court what a chauvinist Patton really was. She would help Taymor by doing that, it would be enough. That was all she had to do. It would be fine. She would just have to act as everything was fine._

She focused on just that – acting fine – as they walked back in to the station. The guys seemed to be out as their desks were empty. Liv asked if she wanted to grab lunch but Amanda lied and said she'd brought in leftovers and that she wanted to check in with her partner to see if they had some news on the new year's case. Liv didn't push and went ahead in to her office. She had a flight to Atlanta to book and she needed to get a hold of the IAB agent in charge. With her luck she feared it would turn out to be Tucker.

Amanda got a hold of Fin, learnt they were just finishing lunch and arranged to meet up with him. She worked the case with him for the rest of the shift, crossing of every last name on that phone list. It didn't look as though they would find their perp and Amanda felt dejected. Fin offered to buy her a beer but she declined, said she had to get home to pick up Frannie. She was neglecting her canine duties she tried to joke but failed.

As usual her sitter had dropped Frannie off at home a little earlier and Fin dropped Amanda outside her building. She went up to fetch Frannie for a walk, pulled a hat over her head since it was cold and then went back downstairs again with Frannie on a leash. She only got a couple of yards outside her building when a voice coming from behind her startled her.

Nick had just parked outside her building, found it strange she didn't spot him or that she didn't react when he slammed the door shut.

"Hey," he said jogging over to catch up with her. He caught her jump slightly and Frannie growled a little having picked up on her owner's sudden stress.  
"It's okay," Amanda said pulling at Frannie's leash a bit.

"Hey, whattcha doing here?" Amanda said as he came up by her side.  
"I just… wanted to check in, didn't see you after you left with Benson to the courthouse," he said shoving his hands down his pockets as the cold got to him a little. Amanda nodded, tried a relaxed smile at him.

"Do you wanna come up?" she asked, part of her wanting him to say yes since it would be their normal off-hours behavior, well at least just a few months ago, but part of her fearing he would. He looked a little hesitant, threw a glance up her building but then started nodding. He hadn't come there for a booty call, he wanted to check up on her, but the prospect of _it_ happening did sit well with him right now.

"Okay, do you mind though, she needs a walk," she said hinting to her companion by her side.  
"Of course, let's go, air will do me good," he said and took a step down towards where she'd been headed.  
"You don't really mean that do you," she said seeing how cold he looked. He gave her one of those charming smiles that made her heart beat a little faster.  
"No but if we pick up the pace I'll be fine," he said and they started walking down the street. Frannie came around between them and Nick felt her look up at him.

"Hey there girl," he said and the dog seemed pleased to finally get petted by him. Amanda smiled at him as they crossed the street.

He'd gone down the same path with her a couple of times before and remembered the routine. As they got further inside the park and reached the open field she found a bigger stick and then unleashed the dog. She tossed the stick and the dog immediately took off after it. Amanda repeated the procedure a couple of times but then Nick cut in, he'd enjoyed getting a chance to just look at her but the cold was really getting to him so he needed to get active. He also liked the chance of getting to play around with a dog. Especially this dog, he liked both her and her owner.

"I think she prefers your arm," Nick joked after his second toss. Amanda chuckled.  
"She prefers anyone who gives her attention," Amanda answered.  
"Typical chick then," he winked at her before he tried tossing the stick a little further this time around.  
"Attention can be nice," she said but her voice had gotten a little gloomy.  
"What?" Nick asked since he hadn't really caught what she said.

Amanda just shook her head though. She watched him toss the stick one more time but then stepped in front of him to grab it from her dog when she came running back. She tossed it as far as she could and then immediately turned around and latched on with her lips over Nicks. He grabbed her midsection a little startled, his lips never got a fair chance to interact with hers before she left them abandoned.

"Wow," he smiled. Frannie came back and called for her owner's attention and Amanda turned around to play a little tug and war with her dog. Nick looked around a little, maybe a little afraid someone had spotted them. They'd always been very careful when out in public, not wanting to get caught doing something that weren't really accepted between partners. Now that she'd started something he hadn't been expecting many parts of him started craving her though and he couldn't help but throw desirous looks after her as she played around with the dog.

They didn't say much more to each other, just started walking back to her place after Frannie had gotten another few laps around the field. Their eyes found each other every now and then and they both came across as slightly nervous and maybe giddy. They couldn't help but smile momentarily as their eyes met or even as they left each other's. He held up the door for the two ladies and they rode up in the elevator, Frannie sniffing at Nick which made them giggle for no good reason.

She unleashed Frannie by the door and told her to get inside. She hung her jacket and made sure Nick had closed the door before she went inside herself.

"I'm just gonna give her some food," Amanda said and Nick heard her rumble around in the kitchen seconds later.

He hung his jacket over hers by the door and then went inside. He saw her in the kitchen but went ahead in to the living room. She walked in to him less than a minute later and caught him looking at her couch, she realized her cover and everything were still out there.

"Slumber party," he joked but she seemed a bit bothered as she picked up everything in her arms.  
"No, I just…" she said but couldn't come up with something good to say and just went quiet. She took a deep breath, took a couple of steps towards the bedroom but then stopped and turned to him.

"You coming?" she asked, her tone several levels more formal than just a second ago.  
"You're not even going to offer me a drink first," he said trying to make a joke as he suddenly felt a little nervous.

It had been almost two months since they'd been here last and even though he really wanted it something inside him made him a little reluctant to just jump right back in the sack. Something was clearly up with her, had been since the AJ Martin case and he didn't want to forget that even if his crotch screamed for him to just go with her.

"You want something to drink?" she asked, raising her eyebrows like she didn't believe him.  
"It would be nice I guess," he said though.  
"Well I dunno what I got, you have to check for yourself," she said as she walked down to the bedroom to put down what she was carrying.

He looked after her, contemplating to just follow her but then turned towards the kitchen before he talked himself in to trouble. He said hi to Frannie who looked up from her bowl before he opened the fridge. He was a little surprised how empty it was, she usually didn't have it packed but he'd never seen it this hollow.

Down the hall Amanda had put her cover and pillow down but stayed to spread the cover out a bit. Once she was done though she couldn't manage to go back outside right away. She pulled her hands through her hair, tried to take a deep breath but just couldn't. _You're fine_, she told herself. _You can do this. Just act normal. Everything is just normal. _She tried to literally shake the uneasy feeling off her and then walked out.

"You find anything?" she asked trying to put on a brave face. He held up a glass of water and then took another sip of it.  
"I didn't have anything more exciting than that," she said raising an eyebrow before she ducked in to her fridge. She realized the answer to her own question and ducked back out a little embarrassed.

"Guess not," she said and leaned up against the counter right next to the fridge.  
"This is just fine," he said though.  
"I just… I haven't been by the market for a while," she said and slid up to sit on the counter, "Been so busy with the new year's case."  
"Yeah and now this… Patton deal. A lot to take in," he said trying to act casually but that was really what he wanted to talk about. Amanda seemed unbothered though and tried to interact with her dog but Frannie was busy with her food.

"So…" Nick started, "Benson told me you're going to testify. In the Patton case."  
"If it goes to trial yeah, might not," Amanda said trying to act unaffected.

Nick watched her but she kept her eyes away, mostly looking at her dog. He had some more of his water before he tried again.

"But what would you… I mean I know you said he was a prick but what exactly did he do?" he tried carefully.  
"He's just a bully you know," she said and made her way down off the counter.  
"But that's not what the case is about," he tried as she made her way over to him.

"You're done with that?" she asked and hinted to his empty glass. He nodded and found her taking it from him and reaching over to put it down in the sink. When she faced him again she seemed to be waiting for something and he couldn't help but smile slightly. He really felt like letting his hand go through her soft hair and to kiss those lips of hers, he'd missed that, but he also wanted to know what was going on.

"So what are you testifying to?" he asked.  
"Really? You want to _talk_?" she asked raising her eyebrow suspiciously. He chuckled.  
"I just want to know what's going on you know," he tried to explain.  
"Nosey Nick," she said with a sigh. He couldn't help but reach up and touch the side of her cheek.  
"I'm just… looking out for you," he said.  
"Don't have to," she said shaking her head a little, his hand following her, "I can do that myself."  
"Well you don't have to, I mean you have your squad, you have us," he said stroking her cheek.  
"All I need right now…" she said and he felt her hands land on his belt. She unbuckled it and started on his fly.  
"Okay," he smiled seeing where this went and feeling at least one part of himself not objecting.  
"So you're not going to tell me are you," he said feeling her hand stroke down his member inside his pants.  
"I think we've proved we're better on other things than talking," she said as her lips sneaked closer to his.

The kiss they'd shared in the bar this weekend had lingered in his mind but this time she didn't taste beer. He preferred her tasting like this, no other flavors than her own present. There was something sedulous about how her hand worked him though and he wanted this, or rather himself, to last for a while tonight so he went down to fetch it. He linked his fingers with hers and brought their hands up to his chest as he enjoyed how their tongues played around each other. She'd backed him in to the counter and he enjoyed feeling her body pressed up against his own. It didn't take long though until he felt her other hand go down inside his pants and it started to tug at him just as aggressively as the other one had.

"Hey," he whispered in to her mouth trying to get her to slow down. He had to repeat himself though and then even separate himself slightly to get her attention.  
"Hey, we're in no hurry," he whispered once he'd caught her eyes and he grabbed her other hand linking their fingers again and he held their hands up in the air to the side of them.

"Well do you want to do this or not?" she asked with a slightly confrontational tone.  
"What's going on?" he asked brushing his lips slightly against her.  
"Nothing," she said frowning slightly, "I just thought you wanted to do this."  
"I do but why the rush," he asked biting down on her lip slightly.

He liked their quick, eager encounters but he'd always appreciated the longer, more exploring sessions a little bit more. The ones where he could hold on to her eyes, really be in the moment together with her and spot the tiny hints on her face and in her body that told him that whatever he was doing was bringing her pleasure.

She could be aggressive, slightly possessive at times, and she knew what she wanted in bed but she usually let him lead, telling him what she wanted in case he missed it. He appreciated that since he'd always lacked a bit of natural skill to know what the women he slept with wanted. His own unsaturated hunger blinding his other senses somehow. But she usually knew what she wanted, what she needed, and didn't have a problem letting him know. He didn't recognize this behavior though.

Whatever had stirred down in her gut since she'd walked back from her bedroom started to act up even more and she started to feel a bit nauseous. She wasn't sure she could do this if her thoughts got the better of her and the last thing she wanted was to give him more fuel to the fact something was wrong. She had to get him to take charge cause she wasn't sure she'd be able to tonight. But she needed to play it smart, to lure him.

"We haven't been together for almost two months," she tried, "is it weird I'm longing for you?"

What she said made him smile, he felt good knowing she'd missed him. He kissed her lips and then went down the side of her face, nibbling on her neck as she offered it to him as he brought their hands back behind her back, locking her in slightly.

"Maybe," he whispered between nibbles, "we should talk about what happened back then? Something was obviously bothering you."  
"Was not, can't you just let that go," she said, her tone very different from his and his sweet lips weren't able to sooth the irritation she felt all over her skin.

He came up to look at her, his eyes very intrusive. She felt flustered, not liking having her arms locked behind her but all she had to do was tug slightly and she was able to twist her fingers free from his. Her hands came up on his hips and she started to pull his shirt up.

"Let's just do this," she said starting to unbutton his shirt once she'd gotten it loose.  
"Hey," he said trying to get a hold of her hands again.  
"C'mon," she said and grabbed a hold of his arm to pull him away from the counter and down towards the bedroom.  
"Hey," he said again and tried wheeling her in. She landed in his embrace but felt bothered by the proximity.

"Don't," she complained as she tried to squirm free.  
"Don't what?" he asked letting his hands unwrap from behind her back and moved them forward to just rest on her hips instead.  
"Just…" she said but wasn't sure what to say and she could feel herself keep squirming even though he'd basically let her go. She grasped at his shirt a little, her hands on his chest but she wasn't sure how or when they'd landed there.

"Just let's do this," she said feeling a little out of breath all of a sudden.  
"Amanda what's going on?" he asked leaning down slightly to try and catch her eyes but she kept them hidden underneath her bangs. He could see how pinched her lips were though.

"Why do you have to… be so fucking considerate," she said and stepped away from him. He looked at her a bit stunned.  
"I mean," she said brushing back her hair a little, "Why not just do this."

"Cause you're obviously upset about something," he said like it was the clearest thing in the world.  
"Am not. I'm fine why can't you just… accept that," she'd started pacing a little but caught herself and stopped immediately.  
"Amanda," he said and now he had that gentle close to belittling voice that she disliked with a vengeance.

"Don't," she said harshly, "just don't."  
"Don't what?" he asked clueless, taking a step closer to her.  
"You know what," she said stepping away from him, "this was a stupid idea, you shouldn't have come here tonight. We should just face it, we're not compatible."

"Are you kidding me?" he asked.  
"Do I look like I'm kidding?" she said brusquely, "Just go Nick."  
"C'mon let's talk about this," he said feeling like things was just spiraling too fast.  
"No, no Nick, I'm not talking about anything. There's nothing to talk about," she said and walked out of the kitchen.

"I'm not leaving until we settle whatever is going on here Amanda," he said and started to push his shirt back down in to his pants as he realized how disorganized his clothes were.  
"Nothing is going on Nick," she said with a raised voice as she came back in to the kitchen.  
"Nothing at all, just leave. If we're not going to fuck then you might as well leave."

Again he got a little surprised by her use of words. It wasn't like she had a clean mouth but this was a little out of character even for her. This felt like the twilight zone he'd landed in at the bar those months ago.

"I don't want to leave right now Amanda," he said very calmly to try and even out the level of their voices.  
"Well I want you to leave and this is my place," she said crossing her arms over her chest but then ended up hugging herself instead which didn't make her look as strong and determined as she'd wanted.

"Amanda," he said and approached her again but this time it wasn't _her_ growl that made him shy back.

Frannie had exited the kitchen once her bowl was empty and the two humans got close in that way that usually meant she would get locked out of the bedroom in a little while. She'd laid down on the couch as she suspected it would be her crib for the night but sneaked back towards the kitchen as she heard a unnerving tone on her master's voice. When the other human now approached her master and she sensed her discomfort Frannie padded up by her side and let a small growl out. She showed her teeth at the human when he looked at her just to make sure he didn't get any closer to them.

"Can we just talk," Nick begged, trying not to move a muscle as he didn't want to upset either Amanda or Frannie more than he'd obviously already done.  
"I think it's better you leave," Amanda said though, refusing to meet his eyes.  
"Amanda," Nick tried again but Frannie answered him by growling again. Amanda let one of her arms drop and she put her hand behind Frannie's ear to calm her down.

"Just go Nick," Amanda begged.  
"I'm just tired okay, I need some sleep that's all," Amanda said as she started to realize this would probably just get Nick to worry, and maybe dig, even more and she just wanted him to leave. _She should just never have invited him up. Why had she made such a stupid move? _

Nick wasn't sure what to do. He really didn't want to leave her right now or in this state but he didn't see any other way. He knew how stubborn she could be and if she'd decided she didn't want to talk tonight he knew there wasn't much he could do to change her mind. Especially not with a growling dog by her side.

"Okay I'll leave but I'm really worried about you Amanda," he said taking a step away from her and towards the door.  
"You and Fin," she sighed, "Why don't you start a club already."  
"Well if Fin is worried too then maybe..." he started but stopped when she gave him a look.  
"There's no need to be. I'm just tired, I worked too much this holiday. This was a stupid idea, I don't know what I was thinking," she tried to explain calmly.

He looked at her for a few seconds, really wanted to stay but knew he couldn't force himself on her.

"If you feel like calling later you can, I will answer," he said keeping his eyes on her as he took another few steps away from her.

"I won't, I'm fine," she said refusing to look at him and she was hugging herself with both arms again. Frannie standing in front of her.  
"I'm just saying you can. I would like you to call but if you don't that's fine too. But... you can call," he said and with that moved towards the door.

As he got his shoes on he tried fixing his shirt a bit more and continued as he went out in to the hallway. He closed the door behind him but was left standing outside in the empty hallway for a while. It didn't take long until he heard the lock on the door and then the safety chain get attached. He looked at the peephole wondering if she was looking at him. He must be a pitiful image if she did he figured. Shirt halfway untucked, jacket in hand, gloomy look over his face. He couldn't pull himself together though.

Something was terribly wrong here and he wasn't sure if it was because she was gambling again, if there was some issue with her drinking as well, if something or someone had upset her in Atlanta or if it really was just being overworked as she tried to imply. Whatever it was he wouldn't solve it by standing there in her hallway. He just had to find another way to try and get to the bottom of this and he made a somber decline down her hallway.


	5. Chapter 5

I will try my best to get another chapter up before the actual episode but I think I'll fail in my attempt to get the whole thing out before the ep actually airs :/  
There's some foul language down below, not my words (well my words in a sense) but the words of a cliché disgruntled former cop ;)  
Happy reading!

* * *

**Chapter 5**

* * *

_"You are confined only by the walls you build yourself" ~ Andrew Murphy_

* * *

Liv cringed as she saw Patton walk in with defense attorney John Buchanan by his side. The scumbag rapist lawyer that she'd faced off with in court many times over the last five years or so. He could be slick, he definitely knew what he was doing but Liv had beat him in the past and would do so this time. She had to.  
Patton looked as arrogant as ever, sharply dressed and delivered his shiny smile at anyone who gave him a glance like he had no worries in the world.

"So nice to see you again sergeant Benson," he smiled when he was by her side, "Are you sitting in today?"  
"Bet your ass I will," Liv said and Patton played a little shocked.  
"Language sergeant, one would think you are biased in this case," Patton said with a smirk but then lost his face for a second before Dodds directed the party further down the hall. Liv felt pleased she'd been at least able to rattle him a little bit.

Dodds and Liv had a seat opposite Patton and Buchanan. Fin, Nick and Carisi sneaked up to the window the moment the door was closed. Fin wasn't really sure where Amanda was hiding, she'd been around earlier.

"Make the slimy bastard sweat," Carisi whispered and gave words to what both Nick and Fin was feeling.

Inside the room Dodds let Patton knew they were taking the case further. The evidence they had so far had been deemed sufficient enough and they were waiting for a court date. As suspected Patton didn't move, his smirk might have weakened for a moment but soon he had his superior look back on his face. Also as suspected Buchanan wanted a speedy trial so his client could go back home as soon as possible. It was an inconvenience for him to be in NY apparently.

Dodds did most the talking, Liv getting the time to observe Patton for any slight crack she could see on his face. Dodds let Buchanan know that as a sign of courtesy they were willing to make the arrest tomorrow so Patton wouldn't have to spend the night in jail, and the arraignment could be held within the hour. Liv hated the fact they were giving Patton special treatment but she could see Patton gritting teeth as he learnt he was being arrested and it was at least a little reward.

Dodds didn't like it but Liv had talked him in to letting her ask Patton about the photos found in his phone. As they reached the ending of their meeting Liv opened up the thin folder that had rested in front of her the whole time. She'd wanted to provoke Patton, to unnerve him a little but it backfired. As she placed the photos in front of him his smile only got wider and he picked up one of the photos to have a closer look at it. Liv fumed seeing his eyes violate the photo.

"Do you want to explain why you had these photos on your phone?" Liv asked through a clinched jaw.  
"They're nice photos right? She's very photogenic don't you think?" Patton smirked.  
"Why do you have them on your phone? They belonged to a case, should've been destroyed," Liv said feeling like ripping the photo out of Patton's hands.

"Is this part of the case against my client?" Buchanan asked and had a closer look at the photos on the table. Liv gathered them up, all but the one Patton was still holding on to. Dodds just nodded at Buchanan.  
"Another charge?" Buchanan questioned.  
"His character," Dodds said a little uncomfortable.  
"My character?" Patton asked with a sharp chuckle, "You are surely gripping at straws aren't you."

"Why did you have these photos on your phone?" Liv asked more firmly. Patton stared her down for a while but then let his eyes go down to the photo again.  
"Educational purpose," he said calmly.  
"Educational, are you kidding me?" Liv asked with disbelief.  
"I kid you not sergeant," Patton said putting on a serious face but still with a slight smirk. He tilted the photo down a little so Liv could see him run his fingers over it.

"This was a… brilliantly conducted operation that took down a really bad, bad man," Patton said laying it on thick, "And she was more than willing to pose for them. She does it so well don't you think? You could almost think it was her day job. Like she had that slutty side down to a T. Such an asset to have on your team right."

"And what did you do with these educational photos?" Liv asked not able to hide her irritation.  
"Well I showed them around of course. To anyone who wanted to see them, and there was a lot of people who wanted to see these photos," Patton said and took a pause before he continued, "For educational purposes of course."  
"Of course," Liv echoed trying to mimic Patton's smirk. Patton took one last look at the photo and then slowly handed it over to Liv. She immediately put it down with the other photos and closed the file shut. It was not how she wanted that to play out.

Dodds walked Patton and Buchanan out a little later, passing the hostile looking detectives in the hallway. Liv walked out with a grim face over her face. No one said anything as they watched the men walk out.

"Where's Rollins?" Liv asked Fin once the weasel was gone.  
"She was here just a while ago," Fin said with a shrug. Liv just nodded, she didn't blame Amanda for keeping clear from Patton but she worried about her slightly.  
"Will you find her for me?" Liv asked Fin and he walked off. Carisi walked away after him but Nick waited until Liv moved.

"Those photos," he said, "What was that about? Are they of Taymor?"

He hadn't really been able to see from the window but he was really curios.

"Let's just leave it for now okay," Liv said with a smile, hugging the file tight to her chest. Nick couldn't do much but nod.

Amanda peeked in to Liv's office a little later.

"Did you want to see me?" she asked.  
"No, I mostly just wanted to know where you were," Liv smiled.  
"Okay, we're heading out then," Amanda said.  
"Amanda," Liv said calling her back, "I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow, maybe you heard?"

Amanda gave her a vague answer, something like a shrug or possibly a nod.

"If there's anything, like… I dunno but just call me okay?"  
"Why would I need to call?" Amanda asked uncomprehending.  
"Just know you can," Liv said.  
"Okay, bye," Amanda said and ducked out.

Liv sat behind her desk for a while. She put the folder with Amanda's photo down in the one drawer in her desk that she could lock and then decided to go home to pack a bag for her Atlanta trip. She would spend the night cuddling up to Noah, trying to soak up as much of him as possible. Tomorrow would be the first time she would be away a whole night from him and she wasn't looking forward to it. But she had to go to Atlanta though, things were buried there and she would bring them up.

**Liv took the first flight** out from JFK. She would get picked up by detective Jonathan Sawyer from IAB at the Hartsfield-Jackson airport. She'd never met him, not even talked to him on the phone. She was worried he would be something like Tucker but he gave a good first impression at least. He didn't seem that talkative at first, was polite though and offered to carry her overnight bag out to the car but Liv said she had it covered, she carried light.

Out in the car he handed her a thin folder, let her know it contained what he'd been able to dig up on the eight women she'd named in the confidential mail she sent him yesterday. She had a look at the information as he drove them away from the airport. She got a little disappointed to see that Angela Morris now lived out of state, she just felt as she might have been her safest bet to get someone else to testify against Patton. One of the civilians seemed to have dropped of the earth and the other one had quite the criminal record. It was nothing that would make Liv believe her less but she knew how the court worked.

"You think it will be hard to find someone that will talk?" Sawyer asked having heard Liv sigh.  
"I was hoping for Angela Morris but I guess we won't be able to see her today," Liv said and gave him a weak smile.  
"I've tried calling but she's not picking up," Sawyer said.  
"We'll just keep trying," Liv said and tried to think positively. She looked out the window for a while, took in the change of scenery. This was her first visit to Atlanta, to the state of Georgia actually. It wasn't hard for her to picture Amanda in these settings, not that she didn't fit in in NY but the open spaces and nature just seemed like it would fit the active and somewhat free spirited detective.

"So you set up in the federal building?" she asked Sawyer after a while.  
"Yes, the Atlanta PD does not want us here, better give you a heads up from the get go," Sawyer said and shot her a smile before he focused back at traffic.  
"Yeah I heard it can be a bit of a boy's club, I'd figured they'd close rank around Patton," Liv moaned.

"You have a detective from down here right?" Sawyer asked after a brief pause.  
"Yeah," Liv answered.  
"Amanda Rollins right?" he asked and Liv shot him a suspicious look.  
"Yeah why?" she asked but Sawyer shrugged slightly.  
"I've just… heard her name somewhere," he said but Liv could tell there were more to it.  
"Where? From whom?" she asked trying to not sound too defensive. Sawyer shot her a look, he didn't know the sergeant and didn't know just how candid he could be yet.

"Tell me," Liv asked trying to soften her tone.  
"It was said in a less flattering way or circumstance," Sawyer admitted. Liv nodded, she could figure it out.  
"Thrown in there with Reese Taymor," Sawyer added, "The boy's club doesn't moderate their words. I had no idea turnips could be used with a swearword so efficiently. And apparently I have a face uglier than homemade lye soap."

Liv had to laugh. She got a feeling working with Sawyer wouldn't be a problem.

"Well they can call my face ugly however they like, I'm going to prove what a scumbag chief Patton really is," Liv said once she'd quiet down.

Sawyer took them to the room that had been set up for them in the federal building in the heart of Atlanta. There were photos of the few items confiscated at his house, Sawyer admitted it was bleak and not much of evidence. He also let her know they'd found records of a storage lot in Patton's name but gotten there too late. Security cameras showed two men carrying out three boxes in the middle of the night. They drove off in a 2004 Honda Civic with covered license plates. Sawyer apologized that they hadn't found it earlier. When Patton would be asked about the storage lot he'd answer that there must've been a break in, and adding with a smile, that he would report it to the police as soon as he got home.

Sawyer had made an extensive map of the department Patton ran so she could get an overview. They had already talked to the people working closest to both Patton and Taymor. Many had been very reluctant to speak to them at all, been forced to sit through it but said very little. The ones that weren't tightlipped spoke praises of Patton and, Sawyer excused his French, slutshammed Taymor. According to her record she'd done nothing but been an idle police and detective but yet all of a sudden everyone had errors and mistakes to point out.  
It was nothing Liv hadn't come upon before but it was harder to digest as this was her lively hood, this was her people and she felt embarrassed for them.

They decided to head over to the station as there wasn't much they had to go on and time was valuable as Liv had to head back to NY tomorrow. It was all the time Dodds had given her. Sawyer had not been kidding about the hostility, Liv could feel their glares and she even thought she heard a 'bitch' under a cough. They started with a brief meeting in Sam Reynold's office. He was short but polite offering them coffee which they accepted. He introduced Liv to a few people. Everyone shook her hand but obviously knew why she was there and kept standoffish.

Sam had to go something and left them alone in his office for a while. His office was a fishbowl and Liv looked around the room just to get away from the preying eyes glaring in through the glass.

"You can feel the warmth right?" Sawyer said under his breath and Liv let out a chuckle just as she thought she spotted someone familiar in a photo on the wall. When she had a closer look she could see she'd been right. They were at what looked like a baseball field and Amanda held a trophy, big smile on her face and dressed like she'd just played a game of rough. She was framed by all guys, Liv spotted Sam to her left with his arm around her. Amanda looked happy in that photo but Liv wondered just how difficult playing with the boy's club had been for her.

When Sam came back Liv asked if she could see Patton's office. She wasn't sure why she wanted to see it and didn't really have a good answer when Sam asked her why. He mentioned that Sawyer and his guys had already gone through it but Liv persisted and Sam let out a sigh but then lead the way.

The Atlanta station house was very different from her own. It was only two storage high and lacked that old and impressive feeling she always felt walking up to her station. The building wasn't tall but she realized it was wide as they went down a long corridor, with similar fish bowl offices on each side which at least made the interior light from all the daylight shining in. She saw suits and what she figured was plain clothed detectives in the offices but as they turned a corner they came to a much darker and murky looking corridor.

Liv read _interview room 1_ on one of the first doors. There were another few interview rooms that followed and then came supplies, they apparently had a copy room and then a recreational room. Liv had to ask about it.

"Oh it was our old break room, it moved down in the cellar a few years back, now it's mostly used for storage," Sam let her know.  
"So what's in your recreational room downstairs?" Liv asked just as Sam stopped in front of a door that had Patton's name on it.  
"Pool table, a bar, dart…"  
"A bar? In your station house?" Liv asked surprised and cut him off. She gave him a look.  
"Yes, helps with team building," Sam said nonchalant.  
"For your boy's club?" Liv couldn't help but ask. Sam just gave her a look, ignored her question and opened the door to Patton's office.

They stepped in to a rather regular looking office but perhaps a little big for just one person from what she'd seen the others being cramped in to. There was a desk, a chair, a table and another few chairs, a shelf with thick books, a big globe in one corner.

"So Patton's the only one with an office down this way?" Liv asked and got an affirmative answer from Sam.  
"Why's that?" she asked and had to look around when she got no answer. Sam shrugged again.  
"He likes it that way," he said when Liv kept looking at him for an answer.  
"And Patton gets what he wants right?" Liv suggested.  
"He's highest rank in this building," Sam said casually.

Liv walked around the room, went behind the desk and had a look at what Patton saw as he sat in his seat. She took a closer look at the globe and wasn't that surprised to see that it opened up and held a liquor bottles. She walked back over to the big window behind his chair as she'd spotted picture frames and wanted to have a closer look. She found various photos of Patton shaking hands with well-dressed men she had no idea who they were but the one she found interesting was one at the very back and she picked it up. She knew all three people in the photo. Again Amanda was squeezed in in the middle but this time her smile wasn't as grand, more like awkward, and she looked a little dolled up. On her right captain Reynolds sported a big smile, also looking a little dressed up, and on her left Patton fitting right in. Liv couldn't really tell where they were but Amanda looked younger. She held the photo up so Sam could see it.

"When was this taken?" she asked when he just kept looking at her. Sam sighed.  
"It was a few years after Amanda joined our squad," he said casually.  
"Where?"  
"A conference," Sam said, "down in Houston."

Liv hummed and had another look at the photo.

"I hope no one was found unconscious at that conference," she said and gave Sam a look before she put the photo back down.

Sam looked unimpressed, Liv didn't really care but knew she had to cool down a little, she felt in a combative mood and she knew she had to be on game right now. She had another look around the office, let her fingers run over his wide desk as she stepped back around it. She didn't like this room, it gave her chills and she let Sam know she wanted to know where she could find detective Hazel Larkin at homicide.

Sam showed them the way after he made sure Patton's door was closed behind them. They'd reached the glass doors that declared they were at the right section but before Sam left them he pressed a piece of paper in Liv's hand.

"Can you meet me there at two?" he whispered while his eyes darted around. Liv figured the paper held an address and she nodded at Sam.  
"Okay, good luck," he said and walked away.

Sawyer had seen and heard the exchange and looked a little excited at Liv as they stepped through the doors. She checked the note and then handed it to Sawyer. Liv wasn't sure what to think, she just couldn't get a good read on Sam. For all she knew he could lure them to a place where they'd be lynch mobbed. But he had given them all those names, good leads, the only leads, in a tough case. And right now they asked for one of those women Sam had mentioned.

Hazel Larkin was in her mid-forties Liv estimated, her blonde hair cropped short and her dresscode leaning towards tomboyish over a little heavyset frame. Liv asked if she would mind talking to them and suggested they went outside.

"I'm not going anywhere with you, I know what you want," Hazel answered though.  
"Is there somewhere we could just sit down then?" Liv suggested sensing Hazel's dislike to be seen with them. Hazel looked very reluctant but looked around and then guided them towards an empty desk in one of the corners. She refused to sit down though and just remained standing by the desk. Sawyer took a chair though while Liv just leaned down against the desk.

"So you know why we're here I take it," Liv said calmly and kept her voice low, "Deputy chief Patton is being charged with rape back in New York on one of your fellow detectives."

Larkin looked very uncomfortable, crossing her arms across her chest very defensively.

"We want to know if you have some information that could be of value to us?"  
"About what? I've been here all weekend," Larkin spat out.  
"You've worked close with Patton. What's your take on him?" Liv tried.  
"What's my take on him? He's my boss, I just follow orders. Look I got work to do," Larkin said defensively.  
"Just tell me if he's ever approached you? If he's ever done anything to _insult_ you?"

Larkin shook her head with disbelief, looked around the room a little before she took a step closer to Liv.

"Look, I've got to work here. I got to run in to him in the hallways and the fact the man's a dick doesn't make that any easier but I can't be of any help to you. I love this job, I _need_ this job and I've learnt what I have to do to protect myself and one of them is to not fraternize with his enemies."

Larkin gave Liv one last look before she walked away. Liv let out a deep breath and then shot Sawyer a look. He raised his eyebrows slightly at her before he stood up.

"I don't blame her, he seems to have this entire station whipped," Sawyer said quietly.  
"Let's hope we have better luck with the transfers though," Liv said and took lead out of the station house.

They went by zone 4's station house first, asked for officer Charlene Loren and learnt she was out. The desk sergeant was nosey, asked what they wanted with her and acted like it was very inconvenient to call her in if they couldn't even tell him what it was about. They had to wait about half an hour before officer Charlene Loren finally walked in. Again they met a blonde police officer, this one in blue uniform with her long hair pulled in to a low ponytail. Liv asked if they could step outside for a few minutes and Loren looked to her partner to see if it was okay. He said he would get a coffee meanwhile and catch up with her outside in a few.

"So I understand you used to be a detective?" Liv asked.  
"Yeah…" Loren answered suspiciously.  
"Pulled by deputy chief Patton?" Liv asked and Loren immediately tensed up.  
"I got nothing to say," she said as she started to look around if anyone was watching them.

"Please Charlene, he raped a detective, he belongs behind bars," Liv tried.  
"I can't help you put him there," Loren said quickly.  
"But you know something?" Liv had a hunch. Loren looked hesitant but her face eased a little.  
"I knew I had to get away from there," she finally said.  
"From there? The station house or from Patton?"  
"Patton," she answered swallowing hard.

"What did he do?"  
"I'm not testifying to anything, I never reported him and I don't want to get fired."  
"Okay, just tell us," Liv pleaded.  
"It was fine at first, I mean he was very physical but I didn't think much of it but then it started to get a little… annoying. Like he'd put his hand at the back of my neck, start to rub it a little but he could do it in public too so I thought it couldn't be so wrong you know? He doesn't have kids you know and he could tell someone that I was like the daughter he never had. I felt a little flattered I guess but then as he… well when we were in his office you know or alone somewhere and he started touching me it just felt wrong. He started asking me very personal questions too and he knew things about me," Loren said frowning.

"How do you mean?" Liv asked.  
"Well like my mom fought breast cancer a few years ago, she made it through and I never talked about that but he knew somehow. I guess he has the means and connection to find out anything in this town," Loren said shaking her head a little.  
"Did he try and use that information?" Liv asked.  
"I dunno about use but he said he'd been through something similar and knew how hard that could be and he said that if there was anything I ever needed or wanted to talk about I could come to him."  
"What happened that made you finally leave?" Liv asked and Loren took a deep breath.  
"It was down in that _recreational_ room," Loren said with a slight eyeroll, "He was always so determined we all should hang out and get together, he said it would make us work better as a squad if we hung out and got to know each other. It would've been all fine if _he_ wasn't around. He kept wanting me to drink but… well both my parents are drunks, I don't want to touch that stuff. So then he takes me outside, tells me I need to open up, to be a good sport. Says something about how he really roots for me, want me to get somewhere within the department but that I need to give a little back. And then…"

Loren's face crumbled slightly and she squirmed, looking back towards the station.

"I know it's hard Charlene but you have nothing to be ashamed for," Liv said comforting.  
"It really was nothing, he just tried to kiss me, or my neck rather, he'd started rubbing it and then tried to kiss it. I stepped away so he grabbed my wrist, pulled me back and pressed me up against the wall. He was really… strong, and it just felt like he knew how to… restrain someone like that. Someone walked out and Patton stepped off, I didn't see who it was, I didn't stick around to find out and I asked to be transferred the day after. I knew it wouldn't end there. He's… not a good man."

"No, no he certainly isn't," Liv said, "Is there any chance Charlene that you could reconsider…" Loren had already started shaking her head, "…and give a statement about…"  
"No. No way and if you cite me I'll lie," Loren said firmly.  
"Okay, do you know anything that can help us though? Have you heard any rumors? Anything Patton has done to anyone else maybe?"  
"Except for detective Taymor you mean? Everyone has heard about that by now."

"Yeah, anyone else? Anything that can help us?" Liv said and Loren seemed to think hard about it.  
"I mean it seems he likes blondes, like someone told me while I was a detective. Someone got a little drunk and joked about how I was Patton's latest blonde. I asked about it but someone else said it was just a stupid rumor and that I shouldn't listen to it."  
"Who was that, the one that got drunk?"  
"His name was Lauren, like my last name but spelled with A-U, he was going to retire, they were planning a retirement party for him just before I left. I think his first name was George but I'm not really sure. He wasn't really one of the ones I hanged around with."

"We can look that up," Liv hurried to say, "Anything else? You didn't learn the name of any other of those blondes Lauren hinted to?"  
"No," Loren said shaking her head, "but he has that photo in his office, of some blonde detective that transferred up to New York right?"  
"What about her?" Liv asked, immediately getting very interested.  
"Well he showed me the photo, said she was his little shining star and how he'd helped her transfer to the big city. He seemed to be really proud of her and said I could be just like her if I just stuck with him. He said I could come with him to a conference too if I played my cards right."

Liv felt sick to her stomach. Patton clearly had a pattern.

"Look, my partner, I got to go," Loren said as she cocked her head towards the station house where her partner had walked out with a to go cup in his hands.  
"Okay, thank you Loren, if you change your mind please give me a call," Liv said.  
"Thanks but I won't, I want this job," Loren said and refused to take the card Liv extended towards her.

They watched Loren walk away towards her partner. Liv gnawed her lip a little, they needed a witness, someone that could back up Taymor and help them win this case.

"So is your detective testifying?" Sawyer asked behind her back and Liv spun around.  
"Yeah," Liv said with her thoughts a million miles away, "Yeah she is but I'm not really sure to what just yet."

Sawyer gave her a look but Liv just shook her head.

"C'mon let's go see what corrections or state patrol can give us," Liv said and walked over to their car.

**Within the next two hours** they got a door slammed in their faces and an intoxicated woman spitting after them. Correction officer Catherine Dourdan slammed the door in their faces the moment after they'd told her why they were there and when Liv tried to plead to her through the door all they got what a row of curses, one of them including turnips, to get the hell off her property.

The drunk woman was former detective Mona Asbury, who'd left the station almost fifteen years ago and no longer looked anything like her former self. They caught her in a bar even though the hour was still early, she did pay Sawyer a little attention at first but when she couldn't talk him in to sitting on his lap she lost interest in him as well. She clearly held a grudge against the police department and wanted nothing to do with them. When she spat by Liv's feet they decided it was time to go before they had to arrest her.

It was a little discouraging. They contemplated trying to catch Asbury tomorrow to see if she'd sobered up. They decided to get lunch and try to track down former detective George Lauren while they ate. They learnt he was still in the city and decided to try and find him after they'd met up with Sam. The location Sam had given them was a small shack in what looked like a bit of a shady part of the city. They found a parking spot nearby and wandered in.

They had a few minutes to spare but Liv spotted Sam at the very back. Actually Sam had spotted them first and waved them over to his booth. As they got closer Liv saw that he wasn't alone. Tucked in close to the wall sat a woman in her forties, nervousness displayed all over her face as they approached.

"Have a seat won't you?" Sam said and hinted to the seats opposite the woman, "You want something to drink?"  
"Coffee?" Liv asked as she could see the woman had a cup in front of her. Sam nodded and then gestured to the waitress. Liv and Sawyer had sat down, both throwing curios look at the mystery guest at the table that Sam still hadn't introduced and she did not look keen to tell them who she was either. Sam sat down next to the woman. No one said anything until the waitress had left them again.

"This is Angela Morris," Sam said then and Liv felt like kissing the man.  
"You're Angela Morris," she said a little shocked and the woman nodded. Liv couldn't see much more than her face as she was still wearing a hat over her head and an oversized scarf around her neck. Liv had seen her photo but she would've never had been able to recognize her. Maybe it was that she'd aged or that her face was plagued with distress.

"No one but her mom knows she's here okay and we like to keep it that way," Sam explained.  
"Okay, of course," Liv said, "Can you tell me what Patton did to you?"

They learnt about how Angela's son Charlie had become really sick after she'd worked about a year as a detective. The father was out of the picture and it had been really stressful. Patton had paid her some attention before but it escalated as her son got sick. He would show up at the hospital, brought teddy bears for Charlie and flowers for her mother. He'd been really charming and actually kind but it changed eventually. He seemed to want some affection back and when she'd turned him down he'd started getting aggressive and nasty, calling her out on things in the squad room in front of the others. He managed to blame her for a few mistakes that had been made in a case but she had nothing to do with. All while he'd kept solicit her behind closed doors. So she'd reported him. Unfortunately the supervisor she'd reported it to and that had signed the claim that later disappeared had died a few years back. Heart attack. She had no idea what happened to the report.

But that wasn't the worst of her story and this part not even Sam had heard before. What had made Angela finally leave the department was an incident that occurred in her own home. Charlie had been released from the hospital but still needed special care. Patton had come over, seemed remorseful and brought gifts for little Charlie. She'd been very reluctant to let him in but he'd managed to talk himself inside. He'd brought food, poured some soda in glasses for them and since she hadn't eaten she'd been stupid enough to have some. She'd finished her glass of soda as well and passed out just minutes later. She had no recollection of what had happened after that but woken up to her son crying by her side a few hours later, her clothes disturbed but no evident marks on her body. Patton nowhere to be seen and their glasses washed and cleaned on the counter.

Sam looked as though he could pass out while Liv asked a few follow up questions. Liv then asked if she would be willing to testify but Angela was reluctant. She admitted she was still scared of Patton and her son was on the transplant list for a new set of lungs. Even though she lived out of state she feared Patton would have connections that could cloud things. She couldn't risk her son's life. She had already exposed him to great danger that night she'd been drugged, it could not happen again.

Liv could relate, Noah had issues with his lungs as well and she wouldn't want to risk his health either, but she needed someone to stick up for Reese Taymor. Liv asked her to just give it some thought and Angela accepted Liv's card and she promised to think about it. Liv asked her to not take too long, Patton would surely push the trial date to not give them time to prepare or find more victims. Angela and Sam had to take off, he was driving her to the bus that would take her back home, a trip that took her several hours and Liv greatly appreciated she'd done for them.

She stayed behind for a while with Sawyer just letting it all sink in. With everything they knew Patton could fry but with no witnesses it was useless. They looked up Tara McCormack next, formerly a detective for APD but now working state patrol. She was working but had some time to spare for them. The news of Patton's _predicament_ in New York had reached her as well. She wasn't surprised that he'd kept up his game. She'd heard rumors about how he claimed his blondes if they didn't give it up freely. Tara had given it up freely though, once, something she regretted immensely. When Liv dug a little though they learnt Tara had been in a little bit of a slump when Patton preyed on her.

Her partner had been severely injured on the job and she felt at blame. Patton had been there to comfort her and after a few too many drinks she'd let him talk himself in to her bedroom. After that one time she'd said no more and that's when Patton had turned nasty, shouted her out in the squad room and tried everything to pin things on her. She'd finally just had enough and decided to leave. It wasn't like the guys at state patrol were any better than the boy's club at the station but at least they took no for an answer at her new job. She would not testify against Patton and nothing Liv said would change her mind.

Liv felt as time and the case were slipping through her hands. They tried Catherine Dourdan again, but got the same result as their last visit.

The day was coming to an end but thankfully Sawyer was willing to go on. They still had the civilian to talk, Liv had realized they wouldn't find the second civilian since she was no longer listed, but Liv was a little more eager to find this retired cop. She was hoping he would have some more names or some truths to tell them about Patton.

They only found his wife at home and she directed them to a bar if they wanted a word with her husband. She seemed mildly amused about her husband being there, Liv got a sense it was a recurring event.

They found the bar and have no problem singling out Lauren, he was by the bar talking loudly with his drinking buddies. Liv and Sawyer introduced themselves and immediately found out what the man thought of them as he loudly introduced them to the entire bar as some fancy pants from New York.

"Could we just get a word with you in private sir?" Liv tried to ask kindly. Lauren shot her a amused look.  
"_Sir_?" he said next and started chuckling loudly. He quiet down quickly though as Sawyer got in his face.  
"If you have a word with us I'll pay off your bill at this joint and I'll also leave a hefty sum that will at least cover you for the week," he said. Lauren's eyes narrowed slightly as he took in the offer.  
"Step in to my office," he said as he got off his chair, grabbed his beer and took them to the nearest empty booth.

"So what can I do for you two lovely people," Lauren said with played politeness.  
"Do you keep in touch with your old friends at Atlanta PD?" Liv asked.  
"My friends? Never had any at that stinking place," Lauren said as he took a big gulp of his beer.  
"May I ask you what your feelings for deputy chief Patton are?"  
"You may," Lauren said with a chuckle, "He's a piece of shit. Biggest phony I've ever come across."

Liv tried her best to conceal her joy over finally finding someone who wouldn't hold back on Patton.

"Have someone finally caught his fingers in the cookie jar?" Lauren smiled.  
"You could say that yes," Liv answered, "What can you tell me about him?"  
"Not much, he's good at covering things up. Bastard gets away with everything," Lauren grunted.  
"You know he has a liking for blondes right?" Liv asked.  
"So that's what finally got him caught," Lauren said with a liking, "Yeah I know he likes blondes, too bad for his wife."  
"Do you know of any blondes he hurt?"  
"_Hurt_? I dunno some took benefit from it, I'm pretty sure some were more than willing to accept the benefits of screwing the old fart. You know some women get off on being a little abused here and there."

And just like that Liv lost all respect for the man but she did her best to hold it in since she needed to know what he knew.

"Well he drugged and raped a detective during a conference up in New York this weekend," she said.  
"Drugged? Sweet..." Lauren swallowed whatever he was about to say but recovered quickly, "Oh those conferences, that they never learn all crazy shit goes down on them," Lauren said shaking his head, "My wife never let me go on any of them but don't think I wasn't tempted. To be able to have some of that fun."

"So Patton is going down for rape," Liv hurried to say as she didn't want to hear what Lauren ruled as _fun_, "but we could benefit from finding more women he might have abused, can you give us some names?"  
"Well I dunno, would it buy me more beers?" Lauren smiled and looked to Sawyer with a big grin. Sawyer didn't move a muscle and Lauren realized he better talk or _any_ beers would be off the table.

"They came and went so quickly you know. It was that one that transferred to homicide, Larken something," Lauren tried to remember.  
"Hazel Larkin?" Liv asked.  
"Yeah yeah, you seen her? She went all dyke on Patton I think, certainly looks like a dyke but she didn't back then. She looked perfectly normal then. Maybe screwing Patton turns you, you know? Like a vampire," Lauren chuckled and Liv found it hard to not curse him out.  
"So you think Larkin had something going with Patton?" Liv asked instead.  
"I _know_ she did," Lauren said, "I saw them head out one night, he had his arm around her, she looked a little tipsy, more than tipsy actually."

Liv glanced Sawyers way. So Larkin had been one of Patton's victims. Liv asked a little more but Lauren couldn't remember the date, was even a little hazy on the year but he knew when the affair had ended as Larkin suddenly was in the hot seat getting cursed out and got blamed whenever a case went haywire. He mentioned some of the other women they'd already talked to, or tried to talk to. He didn't have much of value though, nothing they could use if the women wouldn't testify.

"And then there was that Rollins chick," Lauren said and Liv's heart missed a beat.  
"What about her?" Liv asked eagerly when Lauren just smirked to himself.  
"Well she must've gotten some benefits from banging the boss, she got all the way to New York you know," Lauren said as though Liv had no idea.

"So she was sleeping with Patton?" Liv hated asking it but knew she had to.  
"I dunno what was going on there but Patton surely had a liking for her, but so did her captain," Lauren said with a smirk.  
"Captain Reynolds?" Liv asked, leaving a gasp in her throat.  
"Yeah, married men, not able to keep it in their pants, weaklings," Lauren said shaking his head.  
"Is captain Reynolds anything like chief Patton?" Liv asked but Lauren shook his head.  
"No, captain wasn't all that bad, never seen him go tizzy like that over a skirt but he sure did. Some rivalry there."

"How? What happened?"  
"Well speaking of conferences," Lauren grinned, "When they came back from that one in... Houston I think it was, Patton surely was in a foul mood, well fouler than usual, and then rumors about Reynolds and Rollins sharing a room, you had to connect the dots."  
"They shared a room?"  
"That's what the rumors said."  
"So it was just rumors?"  
"He had a liking to her, she kept her head down, Patton was jealous, I would say that's more than rumors," Lauren smirked and finished his beer. He looked to Sawyer and he got up and walked over to the bar to get a refill.

"But you don't have any solid proof about an affair?" Liv asked not wanting to believe rumors.  
"Hey lady, you came here and wanted to talk to me, I'm just telling you what I know to be the truth. Patton pulled another hot blonde in, kept her on his hip and then during a weekend away she switched hips. All of a sudden she's buddy buddy with captain Reynolds and Patton is looking all gloomy like some silly high school fight over a girl," Lauren moaned and sat back as he glanced over at the bar looking for that beer he expected.

"So she might have had something with captain Reynolds, but what about Patton? What happened between them?"

Liv had to repeat the question as Lauren only had attention on Sawyer walking back with his beer. He let out a burp before he answered.

"Patton strutted around angry for a while but I could see him trying to get to her whenever captain wasn't around. Sly one that one."  
"So did he? Get to her?" Liv asked.  
"How would I know, told you he's sly," Lauren shrugged.  
"But did you see anything that looked inappropriate? Something he did that he shouldn't?"  
"He had his hands on her a lot, he never touched me like that. Thankfully," Lauren let out a chuckle.

"Hands on her like how?"  
"Want me to show you sweetheart?" Lauren smirked and didn't stop when Liv glared at him.  
"Oh don't you worry, my wife is plenty enough for me, always have been," Lauren said and had another taste of his beer.  
"I don't know, hand on her back, rubbing on her neck. On her thigh like if they were sitting next to each other. God knows I would've get slapped with a reprimand if I went around like that at the station touching the ladies. But Patton, you know he could get away with most."

"Did he curse her out in the squad room? In front of you?" Liv asked, she was getting a sense of Patton's pattern now.  
"Yupp he surely did, she could take it though, have to give her that. Took it with stride which only pissed Patton off even more, it was kinda fun to see actually," Lauren said as his inside rumbled with subdued laughter.  
"Did it happen often?"  
"I dunno, more towards the end. Maybe it was his way of letting her know he would miss her? Who knows with him? He'd laid off her for a while though, didn't even look her way but then it was like turning a switch and all hell broke loose."

They didn't get much more out of George Lauren but that was okay cause Liv was eager to have another talk to Sam Reynolds. She gave him a call and learnt he was still at the station so Sawyer drove them there. The place had emptied out quite a lot but it could've been packed, Liv wasn't watching her words for anything.

"I want to know what you and Rollins had together. I want to know what happened in Houston."

She'd more or less burst in to his office and he looked a little stunned. His eyes went out over his squad room and he looked very bothered.

"Come with me," he said biting down hard and walked out. Liv stomped after while Sawyer mostly just tagged along fearing a little what would go down and wondering if he should be present for it or not. Sam took them down the corridor and in to interview room number one that they'd passed earlier that day.

"I don't know where to place you Sam," Liv started the moment she stepped in to the room, "One moment you act all indifferent and the next you do me a huge favor. I think you have my back in this case, have Amanda's back but then you act like… Patton."

She wasn't sure where she was going or what she wanted to say. She just wanted someone to tell her the truth and stand by their word. Sam didn't look happy to be compared to Patton.

"Where you and Amanda a couple?" she said as she calmed down slightly.  
"No," he said like it was the most outrages thing in the world.  
"You had something," she just said, wanted to lure him to say something. Sam glanced over at Sawyer, looking a little flustered, maybe embarrassed.

"If it would've been up to me yes," he said reluctantly, "There was something there, between us, I'd like to think she would admit to that as well but I was married and Amanda… she would never go there. Her parents… let's just say she'd seen enough of what infidelity can do to a marriage and she would never go down that path. She's righteous whatever you might think of her."

"What do you mean? You don't think I find her righteous?" Liv blurted out a little offended. Sam just shook his head at her though and went back to the previous subject.

"No there has never been anything between me and Amanda."  
"So why did you share a room at the conference in Houston?"

Sam sighed loudly and stirred a little where he stood.

"That was a rumor…" he mumbled.  
"So you didn't share a room?" Liv asked confrontational.  
"We did okay, I let her in my room. She was on the couch though, nothing happened," he tried to explain.  
"Why was she in your room?"

Sam looked reluctant to talk again, rubbed his head with his hand.

"C'mon tell me the truth Sam, stop lying to me," Liv spat out getting fed up by him beating around the bush.  
"I'm not… lying," Sam spat right back, "I'm… trying to protect her."  
"Amanda?" Liv asked to make sure and Sam nodded.  
"Why do you need to protect her?"  
"I don't want to rat her out, you have to ask her," Sam said putting his hands in his sides.

"I'm asking _you_ and you're going to tell me," Liv said with her demanding tone, "Why did she sleep in your room?"  
"She was scared of him okay? She was scared of Patton," Sam admitted reluctantly.  
"Why was she scared of him?"  
"You know why," Sam said a little annoyed.  
"You tell me," Liv answered though.  
"Amanda got the same treatment as the others, she was no exception."  
"She got groped, harassed, drugged, _raped_, and you let that happen?"  
"No," Sam said loudly but quiet down as he worried someone would overhear them, "I didn't know all of that. I would've never let that go on, to anyone, had I known that it was so… severe."  
"So it's okay to get a little sexual assaulted you mean? By a superior officer nonetheless," Liv asked flabbergasted.  
"That's not what I'm saying. Amanda could take care of herself, she was… special."  
"But the others before her, they weren't? They deserved what they got?"  
"That's not what I'm saying, you don't get it," Sam said and took a few steps away from her shaking his head.  
"That's cause you're not telling me the truth Sam," Liv said angrily, "Tell me the truth!"  
"Look, yes this is a boy's club," Sam said turning back around, "There's a certain… order. I'm not saying it's right, or even okay, but it is what it is. Patton is my boss, someone put him in that position and you deal with it. Make the best of the situation. I tried to empower these women, let them know they could talk to me if they needed to, told them… to toughen up."

Liv let out a huff and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah yeah I know that's not the way you would've handled it but you don't work here sergeant, you haven't grown up around these people, everyone here has and we've adapted."  
"You should stop adapting and grow some balls instead. Change your ways," Liv challenged  
"That's not as easy as you make it sound sergeant, balls are the problem here. Too much testosterone and narrow-mindedness."

Sam quiet down and took some deep breaths as Liv tried to calm down as well.

"So what did Amanda had to suffer through?" Liv finally asked, "And let me tell you, you're not protecting her by keeping quiet. This needs to come out."

Sam did not look willing to talk though.

"What happened at the conference?" Liv tried a direct question to get him talking again.

Sam took his time but then finally started talking.

"He kept up his usual game, pranced her around, kept his hands on her. I knew she didn't like it but she dealt with it best she could. I dunno exactly what happened but she banged on my door later that night, agitated, asked if she could come inside. She never did tell me what happened or who she was afraid of but she didn't have to tell me that part, I knew it was Patton. It didn't look as though he'd… touched her though."

"But you're not sure?"  
"I'm pretty sure, her clothes were… in place and her hair up. I mean I had no idea Patton was capable of… well of that. He charmed and seduced and I hoped she wouldn't fall for it. It looked as she hadn't, that she didn't want to be with him and… I was… _happy_ she'd turned to me."  
"Please tell me you didn't try anything," Liv said and huffed as she caught the answer on Sam's face.

"Great so she runs from one creep and she ends up in the room of another," Liv burst out.  
"Oh shut up," Sam mumbled but he was clearly ashamed, "I'm _not_ like Patton. I would never force myself on her, on anyone."  
"But you didn't think Patton was capable of that either right? Your friend Angela was raped and you had no idea?"

"I didn't, I swear," Sam said looking a little distraught and Liv took some pity on him.  
"I'm sorry but I have a really hard time trusting you right now," Liv said though.  
"Look at least Amanda came to me," Sam said, "she came to me that night to get away from him and she came to me a few weeks later and asked me to take her on so she could get away from Patton."

"She give you a reason for that?"  
"She didn't have to give me a reason, she wasn't the first one that had asked to get away from him."  
"Right, you just let innocent blonde young cadets get ruined under his _command_," Liv moaned.  
"Patton brought them in, there was nothing I could do."  
"Right," Liv said. There was a silent pause where they just looked at each other.

"But something did happen right? Something you know about cause you called in a favor to Cragen, _you_ got her transferred. Why?"  
"It was nothing like that okay?"  
"Like what? Like getting raped?"  
"No she wasn't," he said immediately but then looked gloomier as he continued, "As far as I know."

Liv tried to just breathe through the nausea that suddenly rushed over her.

"So what did happen?" she asked once she was pretty sure she could hold it in.  
"I can't tell you."  
"Damn straight you can and you will," Liv said charging him, having no problem fuming instantly.  
"No I'm not," Sam answered though, challenging the glare she was giving him.  
"If you want to find out what happened to her you have to ask her."  
"Don't you think I've tried? She's not talking."  
"And that's _my_ problem?" Sam asked malicious.  
"You say you care for her well then prove it, help her now," Liv said.  
"I am, she asked me not to say anything and I'm keeping my word to her."

Liv gave him a grim look, underneath which Sam calmed slightly.

"She trusted me enough to come to me back then, if not with the entire story at least with parts of it," Sam said, "I'm not going to betray her and if she's not talking to you I'd say that's _your_ problem sergeant. Maybe _you_ should take a closer look at why she doesn't trust you."

And with that Sam walked out leaving Liv with that sickening feeling and a bit of guilt gnawing at her thoughts.

Liv didn't say much during the drive over to the motel, and neither did Sawyer. She had a lot of thoughts rolling around in her head. One of them was that all she really wanted to do was to call home and check in on Noah. Hoping he would be up by some slim chance and maybe want to gurgle some sounds in her ear. But not even that made her able to completely turn her thoughts of this case.  
Amanda had worked for Patton for six years. _Six years_. What was the chances that she'd been able to escape the fate all these other women had succumbed to?

**Back in New York Amanda** had walked in to the station after a sleepless night. The brawl with Nick had been on her mind, feeling stupid for acting like such a child and for probably just making the situation between them even worse. She solved it the same way as she'd done many times before though, just kept her head down, pretended it never happened and just did her best to focus on work.

Liv had left Nick in charge with luckily kept him busy most of the day. Amanda had managed to go about her day, her and Fin taking another stab at the new year's case, that was until Nick came over and told her to take a call from Reese Taymor.

She was calling for Liv but Nick wanted Amanda to take it in her absence. Amanda had questioned why her, was it just because she was a woman but Nick had calmly said it was just cause she was the only one who'd spoken to Taymor before. Amanda felt a little embarrassed as she finally picked up the phone.

She'd only spent a few minutes on the phone with her, not really sure what to say but Taymor mostly just wanted to know what was happening with the case. She wanted to leave to go home to Florida but Amanda told her she had to stay put for a while. She let her know Liv was in Atlanta gathering more evidence. Amanda found herself saying things like her sergeant would find evidence, she would find others that would testify and Reese wouldn't be alone. She felt like the biggest hypocrite ever as she hung up.

Liv being in Atlanta scared Amanda. She was afraid of what she would dig up, what dirt would surface and what secrets she'd learn. Amanda didn't trust a single soul, not even Sam, maybe least of all Sam. She wanted to help Taymor though and hoped it would be enough with the little she was doing. The guilt was gnawing on her though. She was a fraud, a chicken, a wuss. _But she couldn't testify to something that had never happened right?_

They'd taken a little break from the case after lunch, Fin stating they needed to step away for a while to get a clearer picture. Amanda rubbed her temples, closed her eyes for a few second as Fin literally stepped away from his desk. _She wanted to nail this new year's perp. She wanted him desperately. Just to be able to do something good. _It didn't take long though until Patton sneaked in to her thoughts. She had to opened up her eyes again as scary images started to surface in front of her eyes.

She squirmed a little in her chair. _Nothing had happened. Everything was fine. _But things weren't fine and she got on the computer. Without really thinking about what she was doing she opened up a window and typed in something at the search engine. She browsed the search result and clicked one of the links. Her eyes skimmed the page and then went back to click another link. She got so caught up she didn't notice Fin coming back.

"Hey I thought we were taking a break," Fin said over her shoulder.  
"Oh yeah I just..," Amanda said and scrambled to close the window down.  
"Ketamine?" Fin questioned having spotted what she was looking at.  
"Yeah I just…" Amanda felt embarrassed having gotten caught but wasn't sure what to say.  
"That's what Patton used right?" Fin said as he sat down by his desk. He looked at her from underneath his big eyebrows.  
"Whatever, okay so can we ask _chief Nick_ if he'll let us play outside for a while?" Amanda asked. Fin chuckled.

Fin decided they didn't need Nick's approval and they headed over to the victim of their new year's case to see how she was doing, he hoped for his partner's sake that the victim was doing a little better since they last saw her. Their victim, Nathalie, was at least home from the hospital now. She was doing pretty well, her injury healing but she got very upset as she learnt they still hadn't make any breakthroughs to catch her assailant.

Amanda was silent in the car on their way back to the station, Fin let her be. He let her take another run trying to get those surveillance tapes from the business across the street and he tried to sit quiet as she cursed out whoever was on the other side of the line. When Nick started to hover around Fin offered his services to whatever Nick needed help with. Fin knew his partner just had to get something out of her system and if it was screaming at some deadbeat that stalled their investigation he had no problem with it. Rather that than getting in a fight with Nick and Fin could see that on the horizon if he didn't intervene.

Hours later Fin convinced her to let it go, to check out for the day and come back with fresh eyes in the morning. Amanda hated when he was right but she was also dead tired. She had her car and declined both a ride and a drink as Fin offered it. She said she wanted to get home to Frannie.

She usually took Frannie for a walk the moment she got home but she felt in need of a shower and it became dark before they went out. There was a GA meeting tonight but she just didn't feel like going. _Sharing_ didn't feel like something she wanted to do right now. She didn't go her normal route tonight but headed down towards the water. It was really cold and not much people out. She felt safe with Frannie by her side though.

Once down by the water Frannie started to pull on her leash. Amanda found it a bit odd, Frannie usually walked very well on a leash. She told Frannie off but it didn't take long until she started pulling again. Amanda tugged at her leash and sat down by her side.

"C'mon Frannie, why are you being like this," she mumbled, stroking Frannie behind her ear a bit.

Amanda almost fell backwards as Frannie let out a sharp bark. When she barked one more time Amanda turned her head to follow where it was aimed at. She spotted a single car on the other side of the road, parked where it shouldn't be and a figured standing right by it. He was in the shadows but it was definitely a he and Amanda got to her feet. Her heart was beating out of her chest and she scrambled to her feet quickly.

"C'mon," she said to Frannie and pulled her along in the opposite direction. Amanda threw a glance over her shoulder and saw that the figure was gone. She gasped slightly when the engine on the car got turned on though and she pulled Frannie along faster. The car started rolling down the street and Amanda pulled Frannie with her down further towards the water and away from the road. As she got down to the water she started running best she could in her unsuitable shoes and the bulky jacket. Frannie helped her along by pulling ahead.


	6. Chapter 6

**You guys made this chapter get here before the actual episode. Your reviews are just awesome. Can't thank you enough &amp; also for understanding it takes a ltl time to write each chapter, I _am_ a stickler for detail :)  
Okay so I forgot something in the last chapter tho; the rumor about Sam &amp; Amanda spending the night in the same room at that conference in Houston was planted by Patton. I'm going to correct that but just so you know cause it is mentioned in this chapter. So Patton is the culprit yet again.  
No Rollaro in this chapter but don't worry, it will come.  
And are we ready for the actual episode? No I don't think so but I still want to see it. The previews are killing me as much as the promos.  
Next chapter will be a hard read, just giving you a heads up. Give yourself a big hug before you plant yourself in front of the TV tomorrow! XO  
**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

* * *

_"There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough" - unknown_

* * *

Fin slowed in, let his car roll down the street slowly as he spied out the window. He feared he'd driven too far, she'd been hazy on the address. But just as he was about to turn back around he saw her step out of the shadows, Frannie by her side. He leaned over and opened the passenger door for her. She shoved Frannie in first and Fin helped direct the dog to the backseat after he'd given her a quick pet. Amanda got in and Fin watched her as long as the light in the front was on. Her cheeks were red, she could be flustered but it could also be the cold.

"Can we go?" she asked once they were embraced in darkness and Fin took off. No one said anything for a while. He thought he could sense her spying out as though she was looking for something or perhaps someone. She soon started rubbing her hands together, putting them between her thighs and he leaned forward to up the heat. Frannie popped her head forward and Amanda told her to lie down which she immediately did.

"What the hell are you doing all over here?" he finally asked, not able to contain himself any longer. She didn't answer immediately but then;  
"I… I just kept walking and… then Frannie stepped on something. I would've grabbed a cab but I didn't bring cash."

She was usually a good liar but this was one of her really bad tries and he wasn't even sure she wanted him to buy it. Her tone was shaky as well and he wasn't sure if it was because she was freezing or if she'd actually been terrified.

"You want to stop and get something warm to drink? You look cold," he asked instead of pushing her on her lie. Even in the dark he saw her shake her head.  
"Just take me home," she said after a few beats and then she added a please.  
"No problem partner," he said and stepped a little on the gas.

Once he stopped outside her building she wasn't as usual half way out the door already but just looked around a little.

"I'm coming with you upstairs," he said but she immediately objected.  
"It's not for you," he said opening his door, "It's for Frannie, since she stepped on something remember."

He got out, opened the back door and called out Frannie. He grabbed her leash, shut the door and made it all the way around the car before she made it outside. She looked a little unpleased but something told her she also was a little relieved. He made sure the doors shut properly on his car and caught her looking up and down the street as he turned back around. He didn't call her out on it. Yet.

He let her have the leash right outside her door and he made sure the corridor was cleared before he closed the door behind them. He didn't wait for an invite but since she'd already made her way inside he figured she didn't mind him being there. She'd disappeared down the hallway but he found Frannie on the couch and had a seat next to her.

"You're okay girl, right," he said rubbing around her neck.  
"Question is what's going on with your mama right," he whispered a little closer to her ear.

Frannie raised her head to be able to look down the hall and Fin was yet again impressed by how smart this dog was but what could he expect, it was his partner's dog after all.

Fin heard a door open and close down the hall and he reached for the control to put the TV on while he waited for his partner to be brave enough to face him again. It took a while but then she came back, now covered in oversized sweats, the hoodie pulled up over her head, hair tucked back in it.

"You want something?" she asked as she passed him and went in to the kitchen.  
"Something to drink would be nice," he said after her. She came back with two sodas.  
"No beer?" he teased as she handed him one of them.  
"You're driving," she said trying to sound brash as she climbed up on the couch and sat down on the other side of Frannie tucking her legs in underneath herself.  
"So you're not letting me stay the night," he teased, "I'm disappointed."

She shook her head as she kept her eyes on the TV but he could see she was smiling. Felt good to know he could make her smile and that she wasn't offended by their usual banter. They watched the TV for a while but he knew her mind was elsewhere or otherwise she would've asked him what the hell they were watching.

"So you're going to tell me what you were doing all over on that side?" Fin finally asked.  
"I was just walking Fin," she tried. He let her be for a few moments but then tried again.  
"You wanna tell me who you were looking for then? Out on the street," he said. He didn't have to look at her to feel how uncomfortable she felt, she squirmed.

"Don't go," he said just as she was about to get up. She got a little stunned that he'd sensed it, it also made her emotional for some reason and she had to bite down hard on the inside of her cheek to not start crying.

"I just want to help, I don't want you to have to be afraid… of anyone," he said. He knew better than to stare her down but he had to throw glances just to make sure he wasn't pushing too far. Frannie laid down on her owner's lap as though she sensed her need for comfort. It served another purpose as well as she was unable to leave but Fin sensed the need to run had passed.

"Whatever it is Amanda," he said carefully, "I promise you I'll be here."

He could see tears in her eyes and he turned to watch the TV to not embarrass her. He could see out of the corner of his eye how her arm went up to quickly swipe away tears that maybe escaped her eyes but it quickly came back down again landing on Frannie not far from where his hand was petting the dog. Her hand found its way out of the sleeve and he saw her fingers trail through the dogs short fur. She soon leaned her head back down against the couch. He knew nothing more would be said on the matter so he focused on the show on the TV that he quite enjoyed even though he'd already seen this episode.

It was his time to get a little surprised as her hand suddenly reached in under his arm and she wrapped her delicate fingers around his wrist. She didn't make it all the way around his wrist with her small hand but it wasn't important. The important thing was that she latched on and it was all he could ask for right now. They sat there for a while but it didn't take long until her grip started weakening but before she lost it completely he sneaked his hand down to land in hers. He thought he felt her tug at it but when he looked over she was sound asleep next to him. He turned their hands over so her hand rested in his as he watched the rest of the show. He stayed for the next show as well but then he turned the TV off and made sure Frannie stayed put as he got up.

"You watch her okay," he whispered as he took the throw and carefully draped it over both dog and owner. She was already slightly tilted so he helped her down all the way by as carefully as possible guiding her down. He pulled back her hood a little so it wouldn't cover her face and he traced her hair back behind her ear. He made sure the throw covered her properly and then gave Frannie one last pet before he silently made his way to the door. Her spare keys was hanging by the door so he took them as he wanted to lock the door properly behind him, he would give the keys back in the morning.

Once out on the street he couldn't help himself but took a good look both up and down the street. She usually wasn't skittish, if something scared her tonight, if she thought she was being followed there could be something to it. There were cars parked up and down the street but they all looked abandoned. He kept watching though as he walked over to his car. He was just about to get in;

"What the f…" he mumbled as he hunched down by his car door. He dragged his finger along a scratch that went all the way to his back door. He rose up and looked around again. This was not made accidentally by some car. This was man made.

**Liv finished up her second day** in Atlanta with not much more then what she had from the day before. They'd managed to get a hold of the civilian that had claimed charges against Patton for harassing her. She had a rather straightforward but still despicable story to tell. She'd worked as an escort, been busted in a police raid and exchanged a sexual favor to Patton to get off scotch free. She'd been young at the time, using escort to pay for her college education but the bust had scared her straight and she'd tried to quit. Patton had not though.

When it finally got enough she walked in to the station but had pulled her charges after Patton had paid her a hefty sum that covered the rest of her college time. She wouldn't be a good witness and she wasn't so keen on sitting in court and reveiling her past since her close ones had no idea what she'd been wrapped up in.

They had time to visit Mona Asbury again, she'd hardly sobered up but at least restrained from spitting that morning. She refused to go on the record and wouldn't disclose what she'd been through more than to say she'd never met a bigger monster in her life than deputy chief William Patton. She had little faith he would get what he deserved but Liv promised she would do her best to see to that. Mona Asbury said though that the only punishment that could be sufficient enough would be to cut his wiener off. Liv hoped it would be enough to do it in the jurisdictional way.

Detective Jonathan Sawyer from IAB took her to the airport in time for her noon flight. He followed her all the way to the gate and they discussed how he could proceed without her and he promised to give her regular updates even if he came up empty which he of course hoped wouldn't be the case.

Liv made sure to show her gratitude and hugged his hand warmly as they said their goodbyes.

"I'll see you up there before trial okay," Sawyer said letting her hand go, "Hopefully with some more evidence for you. These are the cases you really feel eager to bring down the bad guy."  
"Careful Sawyer, you might get me to think IAB actually have heart," Liv winked.  
"I think I know who you're referring to," Sawyer said a little secretive. Liv gave him a curious look.  
"Perhaps the same one that told me to watch out for you? That you could have a certain part of me for dinner if I didn't watch myself." Liv let out a chuckle.  
"I don't think you have anything to worry about Sawyer, I can tell the good from the bad," she smiled.

There was a silent pause as both just tried to control their smiles.

"I hope we can get some justice for your detective as well as the others," Sawyer said seriously and Liv nodded.  
"Me too."  
"I got to admit that most of the time my job isn't so rewarding but if we can get this guy it will be all worth it."  
"Yeah, that would feel really good. Let's make it happen okay," Liv said and then had to get going so she wouldn't miss her flight.

**Back home in New York** her squad was working a new case. A man had been sexually assaulted outside a gay bar during the night and not found until the wee hours of the morning. Nick was first on scene and had called in the rest of them. The man had been taken to the hospital already, was lucid and Nick asked Fin and Carisi to head over there as he stayed behind with Rollins to process the scene.

Fin was reluctant to leave Amanda behind, having an uneasy feeling she really was being watched by that someone who had scratched his car last night. He couldn't tell Nick anything though, knowing Amanda would kill him if she knew he asked someone to keep an eye on her. She was busy though trying to let go of the uncomfortable feeling of being left with Nick on the scene. She still felt embarrassed about the other night and her emotional outburst. That was two completely nutcase displays that did not prove her any less insane than her sister and she had to wise up. Get a grip.

As Liv got on the plane her squad had more or less solved the case. The assaulted man had seen the man that attacked him, he'd been inside the club earlier and with a little digging and watching surveillance tapes they soon had both his image and his name. Meanwhile Amanda's scolding yesterday had paid off and another set of surveillance tapes were delivered to their squad room. Nick let her and Fin get on it and Amanda couldn't believe their luck as they caught a guy looking just like the witnesses had described coming out and grabbing a cab right outside the building.

They were going to head out to pay the cab company a visit as Nick stopped them. He'd heard from Barba. Patton had been in arraignment court a little earlier. He'd been let out on a rather high bail. Trail date set to next week already. Amanda didn't show much emotion and after a silent pause she just asked if that was it and if they could head out. She'd turned before he said anything and Nick and Fin exchanged glances before Fin went to catch up to her.

Nick and Carisi were the only one in when Liv arrived at the station, she'd wanted to head straight there as she'd heard from both Dodds and Barba about Patton and the set trial date. Dodds was his usual cheerful self, gone from stressing over not wanting to charge Patton at all to worrying they didn't have enough to actually convict him. He said the rest of the police community would not look kindly on them if they charged an outsider only to see him acquitted.

Liv was worried about Patton's acquittal as well but not for the same reason. Her thoughts were on the victims. All those women he'd scared or threatened to silence, his rank was threat enough. Sam's words also echoed inside her head. She had a detective on her own squad that may know more than she was letting on and Liv had to figure out a way to get her to talk.

Nick was the first one in to her office as she arrived and he was eager to find out what she'd dug up. He could tell on Liv's face that it wasn't such good news. Carisi joined them as Liv started filling Nick in. She told them about the women she'd talked to, what they'd disclosed but had to end every recount with the discouraging reality that they wouldn't testify against Patton.

"So we have Taymor for the rape and Rollins to vouch against Patton's character, will that be enough?" Carisi asked.  
"I'm not giving up on Angela Morris," Liv said, "And detective Sawyer will keep digging."  
"Will anyone from Atlanta testify against him?" Nick asked, "What about captain Reynolds? He seems okay and Rollins talks well about him."  
"I wouldn't count on him," Liv sighed as she went through her inbox.

"So Patton will have plenty of character witnesses," Carisi complained, "that will all say he's some righteous man who just happens to pull blonde officers to help them climb the latter as long as they climb him in the process."  
"Carisi," Liv scolded, looking up to give him a harsh look.  
"Sorry serge," he excused himself quickly.

Liv asked Nick for a briefing on this morning's case and Nick also told her about the break in the new year's case.

"Great, that's great," Liv said. At least that was some good news and also something that would have Amanda in a good mood.

**A while later Liv** spotted Fin and Amanda out in the squad room and she went out to say hi. She could tell their spirits were high and she inquired on why. Fin looked to Amanda figuring she would want to tell the good news but when she didn't say anything Fin jumped in and let Liv knew that they'd gotten an address from the cab company. At that same address one of the people on their phone list lived. It was a woman but after some digging they found that her younger brother was listed at the same address and they had the cabbie coming in to identify him from a photo. That kid worked mail service at the victim's job so they were rather sure he was the person they were looking for. Liv asked if they needed any help with an arrest warrant but Fin told her they had it covered. Liv could tell they were busy but she really needed to have a talk with Amanda and she feared that if she missed this opportunity she might not get another chance today. And it had to be today as she'd learnt from Barba that he was going to prep her for the trial tomorrow.

"Amanda could I see you for a moment?" she asked cautiously and caught the look Amanda shot her.  
"Why, we're…" she gestured outwards but couldn't really get the words out.  
"Just for a moment, I'll be brief, I promise," she reassured her. Fin had stopped what he was doing and observed them.  
"I'll fix the photo lineup, grab the cabbie when he comes in, you go," he said to help Liv out. He was also keen to get Amanda to talk to her about whatever it was she so obviously needed to get off her chest.

"C'mon," Liv said simply and turned back to her office to get Amanda to just follow her there. Amanda dragged her feet behind her but Liv waited patiently right inside her office, holding on to the door that she closed behind Amanda when she was finally inside.

"Have a seat," Liv offered but Amanda stayed planted just a couple of steps inside the door.  
"You said it would only be a moment so…" Amanda stalled, her whole demeanor signaling a fight or flight mode. It made Liv a little on edge as well and she decided to have a seat behind her desk giving Amanda the space she seemed to need right now.

"I just wanted to catch you before you headed out," Liv said as she tried to get her own head leveled out a bit, "I heard from Barba that he's prepping you tomorrow. And that you would handle it without me being there."

Amanda had put her hands in her sides, her jaw going a little off center as Liv spoke. Liv was a little disappointed as she figured it was Amanda that had asked for her absence even if Barba didn't want to confirm it.

"And that's… okay. But if you change your mind just give me a call and I'll be there okay?"

She looked to Amanda for some affirmation and got a shifty nod. It was evident Amanda wanted to get out of there but Liv wasn't quite ready yet.

"C-can I go?" Amanda had time to ask as Liv tried to arrange what it was she wanted to tell Amanda.  
"Not yet," Liv hurried to say and leaned in over the desk, closing her hands in front of her.  
"I talked to some detectives and some former detectives down in Atlanta," Liv started, "I learned some truths about… Patton."

She could see Amanda squirm and Liv really disliked having to confront her but it was necessary.

"He has a very nasty track record. You weren't the only officer he pulled, Taymor and I've talked to at least five others. They all tell very… ghastly stories."  
"Okay… so good," Amanda said shifting a little where she stood, "And… they'll testify…?"

Liv looked at her to the point Amanda's eyes started darting around everywhere but on Liv.

"They are all afraid," Liv said watching her reaction, "Understandable so. He's intimidated them, used his rank, his power to keep them quiet. He's really a vicious man and I want to see him go down. Desperately."  
"But they're not… not testifying…?" Amanda asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Amanda looked distraught when Liv shook her head. Amanda looked down, hid her face from Liv.

"I talked to Sam," Liv said and waited for a reaction but Amanda just kept her head down.  
"He seems to have had your... best interest in mind, although… I might not agree with the way he did it. Or whatever ulterior motifs he might have had."

"Sam's okay," Amanda mumbled with her head still down. Liv just nodded even if she knew Amanda couldn't see it.  
"Yeah he's still trying to protect you, he wouldn't tell me exactly what went down but I also talked to a few others, that mentioned you, and I know you were at a conference in Houston together, the three of you. I know Patton… spread rumors about you and Sam after that weekend. I know he could curse you out in the squad room and also be very… touchy feely, a pattern he had with the other detectives as well. So I'm wondering if you experienced anything else of…"

Liv got distracted as Amanda let out a slight whimper or something like it and she swayed visible.

"Look I should really head out…" she managed to say and looked like she moved towards the door even though her feet weren't really following.  
"Amanda," Liv said making her face her again.  
"Can you go back to that detective that you were five years ago? Could you tell me, _or_ Barba, what that Amanda experienced with Patton?"

"I really have to go…" Amanda whispered.  
"I'll let you go in just a minute," Liv said, "I know I've done nothing to earn your trust Amanda, I hope I'll get a chance to remunerate that, but right now I need you to… to be really brave. Reese needs you Amanda, and I think you have to do this for yourself as well, and I…"

"I've got to go," Amanda said, voice suddenly steady and she rushed out.

Liv frowned, closing her fists with frustration. Liv exchanged a glance with Fin through the glass in her office as he'd looked up as Amanda rushed out. It looked though as the cabbie had come in and Fin got moving.

Liv massaged her forehead as she tried to get her thoughts and feelings in check. Amanda was obviously rattled so in a way she'd been able to reach her but she needed Amanda to open up and not run. The last thing she wanted was to corner Amanda but it looked as it would be her only chance. She wanted to be at the pre-trial deposition tomorrow and contemplated going even if Amanda had asked her to stay away. She would take the night to think about it.

The new year's case was unfolding quickly now. The cabbie identified the younger brother in a photo lineup and the arrest warrant had arrived even before that. Carisi asked if he could tag along to arrest the guy and the three of them went out. They knocked at the Swanson residence half an hour later, the sister answered and they pressed passed her with the warrant waving in her face. Stunned speechless the sister still managed to signal that his room was downstairs and with guns pulled they made their way down a cellar stair hidden behind a door. It was rather dark and Fin, who had lead, shouted out 'police' and the suspects name 'Eric Swanson'. They heard something crash against the floor but further in and they hurried up their steps. They caught Eric crawling out a window. Fin rushed forward to try and grab his leg, Amanda was right behind him but she was putting her gun down knowing they weren't going to catch him. Eric disappeared out the small window.

"Help me up," she shouted as she grabbed the wall and climbed up the tipped over chair Eric had used. Fin got a little startled but grabbed a hold of her leg to help her all the way up.  
"Go up," he shouted back at Carisi who turned to run up the stairs again. Fin lost her weight in his hands as she hoisted herself up the rest of the way and he saw her boots disappear out the window. He turned back and ran up the stairs, heart beating a little faster as he hated losing eyes on his partner.

**Some hours later** the three detectives were gathered at the nearest cop joint, Carisi in high spirit over by the bar after _having_ spirits and his loud voice heard over the buzz at the dump.

"So there she was like fighting her way up and out the window after him like some ninja, I'm like tearing up the stairs, out on the street, have no idea exactly where any of them are. Like Fin's breathing down my ear, where's Rollins, where are they? And then we like, phew, there she is and she has this," Carisi tries to get his own laughter under control, "this prick's head in a guillotine choke, but with her legs you know, guy chipping for air. I kid you not, it was like out of an action flick. She was amazing."

And she had been. She'd taken down Eric single handedly and back at the station she and Fin had easily got him talking. Fin had enjoyed seeing his partner make the call to the victim to let her know her perp was caught and had confessed to his crime. She'd looked really happy. But now when he looked at her, tucked in at a table by the wall not wanting to take any of the glory Carisi was giving her, she looked anything but happy. She looked troubled and he made his way back over to her with the second round of beers he'd bought for them.

Her mood had changed the moment Eric had been transferred to lock-up. He knew she had a meeting with Barba in the morning to go over her testimony and he wondered if that's what had sneaked up on her. She'd been hard to persuade in to coming to the bar to celebrate but he used all the tricks and finally got her to come with. Carisi had been bragging over 'their' arrest since they got there but neither Fin nor Amanda really minded. It was a good bust and they were a squad so it was all good.

He rattled her as he put down the beer in front of her, he caught her jolting but didn't say anything but; "Here you go partner." She shot him a 'thanks' and grabbed for her beer as he sat down opposite her. He caught her frowning slightly as she tried to lift the glass to her mouth and she put it back down to not drop it.

"Your arm is hurting you," he stated. She had admitted bouncing off the brick wall once before getting the upper hand on Eric but she refused to let him take her to the hospital to make sure nothing was seriously injured.  
"Is not," she answered in her usual stubborn manner.  
"Prove it, pick up your beer," he challenged her. She stared at him with a peeved look but then picked up her beer with her other hand and looked very pleased as she had a taste of it.  
"Ha ha," Fin said as he failed to keep a stern face. He had a taste of his own beer.  
"If it's not better by tomorrow we're checking it up," he said once he'd put down his glass again. She sighed loudly but didn't object.

The easy-going mood didn't last long though, her eyes soon drifting off somewhere in the distance as her thoughts wandered away. Carisi came by with a group of cops and started gesturing in the air with both hands pointed at Amanda before he shouted;

"There she is. The ninja. The super woman I proudly call my partner."

His voice was overly grand and he laid it on thick obviously having a lot of fun with it. Fin could see how bothered she was by the attention, and the many claps she got over her back and shoulder, but she kept a brave face and in a humble way just tried to brush all the praise off.

"And I swear had he'd been able to talk he would've like pleaded us to help him cause his eyes were just begging us to get her off," Carisi laughed.  
"Okay, okay Carisi," Fin finally had to say to get him to tone down, "Let the hero have her beer in peace now."

Fin smiled and Carisi took it good, turning around and the company floated a few yards away. Amanda shot Fin an appreciating look and Fin raised his glass so he could toast with her.

"Good job," he said.  
"You too partner," she answered and clunked her glass up against his one more time. He tried to engage her in some small talk but she was obviously elsewhere in her thoughts and he took it easy on her, let her be. But before the beer was finished she declared she was heading home.

"Okay, let's go," Fin said without even trying to get her to stay a little longer and he started to get up.  
"Where do you think you're going?" she asked as she put her jacket on, frowning a little as she stuck her bad arm through the sleeve.  
"I'm walking you home," he said very matter-of-factly.  
"No, you're not," she said shaking her head.  
"Yes, I am," he insisted.  
"No," she said very determent.  
"C'mon," he urged, "After last night."

She gave him a glare.

"I got lost last night, that's all," she mumbled.  
"I thought Frannie stepped on something," Fin muttered.

She gave him another glare.

"C'mon, what harm could it be," Fin asked.

He was worried about whoever had scratched his car. He realized it could've been an accident since she hadn't said it out loud that someone had actually stalked her but her entire behavior had signaled it.

"I'm a big girl Fin, I can take care of myself," she argued.  
"I know that but you don't have to always."  
"I need to right now okay?" she said, her voice softening a little.

"Oh c'mon, are you leaving already?" Carisi shrieked as he'd spotted she had her jacket on.  
"See ya," Amanda said and sneaked away before Carisi had reached them.  
"Bye Carisi," she waved. Fin had sat back down but watched her go before Carisi got in his line of sight.

"The hero has left the building," Carisi declared jokingly as some other people gathered around. Fin smiled too but caught Amanda over by the door pulling her hat on and his eyes lingered on her. There were quite a lot of people in the bar but Fin still spotted two guys standing by the bar close to the door and they were clearly checking her out. He was used to people checking his partner out though and she was a minority, he'd only spotted two other women in here tonight. Carisi said something and he got a little distracted but he caught the men getting up from the bar right after Amanda had left and they headed towards the door. Fin got an uneasy feeling by the way they kept throwing suspicious glances over their shoulder as to make sure no one saw them follow her and he got up on his feet.

"Can I buy you a beer buddy," Carisi said but Fin shook him off and tried to get around him, jacket in hand.  
"Are you leaving? No, c'mon," Carisi complained.

Fin got stuck behind another group of cops and got some glares as he rudely pushed through them. His breath had picked up as he got out through the door. He looked up and down the street, not able to spot either Amanda or the two men that had followed her. He felt torn on what way to go. If she'd decided to walk home, which was a long way but he wouldn't hold it for impossible knowing her, she would've gone right but then he should've been able to still spot her. If she'd decided to take the train she would've headed east, may have gotten around the corner already so he ran that way as he got his jacket on. When he got there though he saw nothing, no sight of the men either and he felt a bit of panic. _Could she have been lucky enough to find a cab waiting outside? But then where were the men? Could they have had a car waiting and kidnapped her?_ But he hadn't caught any sound of tires burning or an engine racing. He turned back, started running the other way, passing the bar again.

He passed an alley and caught some movement out of the corner of his eye that made him stop.

"Hey," he shouted spotting the two men holding on to his partner down by a container. One of the men where behind her, his gloved hand covering her mouth. Both men looked up as he shouted, the guy in front of her throwing a punch in her gut as the other one let her go and they took off down the alley. Amanda crumbled to the ground and as Fin realized he wouldn't be able to catch the guys, they were too fast for him, he stopped and kneeled down by her side. She was on her knees, holding her gut. Her hat was missing and her ponytail pulled off center.

"Are you okay?" he asked trying to get a good look at her face. She started coughing a little as he held her face in his hand. She was blinking, tears stuck in her eyelashes as she chipped for air. She managed to pull a deep breath but then started coughing harder as she tried to exhale. She was trying to say something at the same time but he told her to just breathe.

"R-ree-ree," rolled on her tongue but he didn't understand what she was trying to tell him.  
"Just breathe okay," he tried but she pushed his hand away.  
"Reese," she whispered.  
"What?" he asked, still not grasping what she was trying to relay to him.  
"Reese. Taymor," she panted, "Make sure… she's al-alright."  
"That was Patton's guys? Are you sure?" he asked, his hand going up and down her back.

She nodded and pushed him away again to get him on the phone. He stood up and dug his phone out as quickly as possible. He dialed Liv, hoping she would know how to get a hold of Taymor at the hotel.

"Hey Liv, are you there?" he asked as he heard nothing on the other line at first, his voice was stressed.  
"Fin? Are you okay?" Liv asked having a little trouble balancing both the phone and Noah.  
"No," he answered quickly, hunching down by Amanda's side again, her breathe was still strained.  
"I mean I am but some guys just attacked Amanda outside the bar we were at. Roughed her up. She says it was Patton's guys and she wants to make sure Taymor is okay."

"What do you mean roughed her up?" she asked worried.  
"I got her but can you make sure Taymor is okay? I think Patton is trying to intimidate the ones testifying against him."  
"Okay, I got it. I'll get on it," Liv said moving towards the door with Noah in her arms, "Check back okay."

"Okay," Fin said hanging up.  
"She'll check on Taymor," he told Amanda who was looking at him, "You need an ambulance?"

She immediately started shaking her hand.

"C'mon Amanda," he begged getting tired of her stubbornness.  
"I'm fine," she whispered hoarsely as she tried to get up. He felt like proving she wasn't okay by not helping her cause she obviously didn't have full mobility but he couldn't _not_ lend a hand and ended up getting a good grip around her so she could get on her feet. When she was upright he saw that her jacket was torn, her zipper ripped open all the way from bottom to end and the clothes underneath looked disheveled.

"They touch you?" he asked, temperament flaring more than before. She gave him a look.  
"He punched me," she said a bit annoyed, "Bastard."

The profanity was a positive sign but he was still worried.

"We need to call the police," he said.  
"We _are_ the police," she sighed and tried to take a step which obviously hurt as she hissed slightly. She still tried another one, supported with one hand up against the wall.

**Liv was on her way **down the stairs, car keys and home keys in one hand and Noah in the other. She was hoping Stacey was home on the second floor, she'd sat for her before and she really didn't feel like bringing Noah to Taymor's hotel. She was in luck and left Noah and her home keys with the teenager and told her she should be back before midnight.

She'd called the hotel to have someone check in on Taymor. She cursed herself for not putting a detail on Taymor, she knew what a bastard Patton was, she should've taken precautions. She also worried about Amanda and called Fin back as she was in the car.

"How is she?" Liv asked once she'd briefed Fin she was on her way to the hotel and that she'd called ahead to have their security check in on her.  
"Stubborn," Fin complained but added, "Which is a good sign I guess."

"What happened?" Liv asked.  
"I spotted two guys following her as she left, went after on a hunch and found them down in an alley. One had her stifled, the other one punching her in the gut."  
"Good you went after," Liv said with a sigh of relief.  
"Yeah," Fin said and looked over at Amanda just to get eyes on her. She looked okay leaning against the wall just outside the bar. She pushed Carisi back and shook of some other guy that was offering her a glass of water.

"And they threaten her?" Liv questioned.  
"I'm not sure, all she said was to make sure Taymor was okay so I guess."  
"You taking her to the hospital?"  
"No, she wants to go home," Fin moaned.

"We need to get a report on this Fin, if Patton's truly behind this it's even more important," Liv stressed.  
"We'll file one tomorrow if not tonight," Fin said.  
"You need to document her injuries," Liv said though.  
"She looks okay Liv," Fin said to calm Liv, "maybe her gut but I think it's mostly her clothes, jacket is ripped, pride torn."  
"Well document what you can, he can't get away with this Fin," Liv said as Taymor's hotel came in her sight.  
"Okay I got to go now, I'll call you a little later okay, don't leave her alone," Liv said but she didn't have to, Fin had no intention of leaving his partner alone right now.

Liv parked outside the hotel not bothering with the restriction. She flashed her badge to the porter and went inside, keeping her badge up.

"Sergeant Benson NYPD," she said even before she'd reached the front desk, "I called about Reese Taymor room 576."  
"Yes, she was not in her room," the woman behind the desk said, "but someone spotted her in the restaurant."  
"She's kind of okay," the woman said gingerly as she pointed Liv in the right direction.

_Kind of_? Liv didn't get it but hurried in to the restaurant. She understood exactly what the woman meant as she spotted Reese over by the bar and Liv made her way over to her. Reese had a tall drink in her hand that spilled over slightly as she talked loudly with some people a few tables down. They looked embarrassed for her but nodded politely at whatever she had said. Liv could tell Reese was pretty intoxicated and she missed her straw as she tried to go in for another sip of her drink.

"You should really play better music in here," Reese shouted at the bartender, using more volume then she needed over the soft piano music in the background.  
"I really want to dance you know," she said right before she spotted Liv. Her face lit up and she called out Olivia's name, throwing her arms around the sergeant as she stepped up by her side.

"You will dance with me right," Reese slurred as she let Liv go.  
"I will, up in your room okay?" Liv suggested taking Reese's drink from her.  
"No," Reese complained, "I don't want to be confined up in there no longer. It's so boring. So… I don't want to. I want to be down here, talking to people."

Reese was steering her way towards the couple a few tables away again but Liv had a grip under her arm and more or less held her back.

"C'mon Reese, let's go upstairs," Liv said and started guiding her out of the restaurant. Reese was a little unsteady on her feet but Liv managed to get her fairly easy up to her floor. The detail Liv had called for had arrived and came up with them. Reese seemed rather out of it and didn't pay much attention to the newly arrived company. Liv instructed the officers that at least one of them had to sit outside her door at all times and then she got Reese inside.

"Okay c'mon let's get you to bed," Liv said coaxing her inside.  
"But we were going to dance," Reese complained.  
"We'll do that after you've had some sleep okay," Liv soothed as she helped Reese lay down. She got her shoes off and then pulled the cover over her.  
"I'm going to get you some water okay," Liv said and went in to the bathroom with a glass she found in the pantry. Reese looked half asleep when she got back out but Liv still got her up slightly so she could have some water, knowing it might help her feel just a little better tomorrow. Reese frowned at the water and Liv couldn't help but smile.

"That's not alcohol," she mumbled as she laid back down.  
"No, I think you had enough of that tonight sweetie," Liv said sitting down on the bed beside her, stroking away some hair from her face.  
"I don't want to be here," Reese said, face frowning again.  
"It's just for a little longer okay sweetie," Liv tried.  
"I can't go back to Atlanta, I have to go home to Tampa," Reese said, tears forming in her eyes, "I called mom but I couldn't tell her, she's going to be so disappointed."  
"No she's not Reese, she'll understand," Liv soothed.  
"She'll be so embarrassed, I can never be a cop again and it was all I wanted. It's over. He's going to make sure they don't want me back home either. He'll ruin me."  
"He's going to hang Reese, he's going to pay for what he did to you, we'll make sure."  
"He's too powerful," Reese slurred, starting to doze off, "He always gets away with everything. He does not take no for an answer."

Reese feel asleep, snoozing immediately because of the hard liquor. Liv kept stroking her hair for a while, brushing it behind her ear and made sure she was properly tucked in. She couldn't help but see Amanda in Reese and for a moment she imagined being able to comfort Amanda like this. To stroke her hair, try and sooth her pain and make things just feel a little better. But she wasn't sure Amanda would ever let her do those things for her.

"You're going to be okay," she whispered aiming it at both Reese and Amanda, "I'm going to make sure of it."

**Across town Fin closed** the door behind them as they'd entered Amanda's apartment. Fin heard her slight moan as she tried reaching down to pet Frannie. She suffered through getting her boots off and Fin just watched her, frustration evident on his face as he started to get fed up with her stubborn need to have to fend for herself constantly. She caught him glaring as she got her jacket off and she shot him one back but then her face turned in to a frown as something obviously pulled as she had to reach up slightly to hang her jacket. Fin caved and gave her a hand even if she didn't want one.

Once she was inside he kicked off his own shoes and hung his jacket. She'd only made it a few steps inside when she turned back around moaning.

"Damn I need to take her for a walk," she mumbled.  
"Don't worry about it," he said, "I got her but first I need to check your injuries."

She gave him a look of disbelief.

"Liv told me to document your injuries for the report," he said but caught her non-compliant look and frustration snuck up again, "It's either me or the hospital staff. Your choice but it's going to be one or the other, no way around it."

She bit down, looking peeved but so did he and finally her face eased. She did cross her arms across her chest though and if that hurt she managed to disguise it.

"Tell me what happened tonight," he said trying to not sound too pushy.  
"They just told me to basically not testify," she said keeping her eyes away from his.  
"What?" she asked when she finally looked at him. She didn't get the look on his face.  
"I'm going to say you got a serious head wound tonight if you really think that will be sufficient enough," he said. She shook her head slightly and sighed dejected.

"Sit down," he said. As suspected she was reluctant but he just waited until she finally moved towards the couch. She sat down with a frown on her face and he went over to sit down as well.  
"From the beginning," he said. She of course had to let out a long moan before she started talking.  
"I went out, I didn't catch them following. I know, sloppy."  
"Your mind was elsewhere," he chipped in and she gave him a brief look. It wasn't a glare though.

"I only caught sight of them when we were right outside the alley, I got one sock in on the taller one as the shorter one grabbed me."  
"Grabbed you how?" he asked and she sighed.  
"I guess around my torso, I'm not really sure it went by so fast. And then I was on the ground, got pulled inside the alley, the tall one got me up, put his hand over my mouth. The shorter one did the talking. And then he punched me in the gut when you started shouting."

She shrugged slightly.

"Okay, there are parts missing. What exactly did he say and how did your jacket get ripped?"  
"He said _I should know better than to take on a fellow cop_. That he was sure _I would only have good things to say if I really thought about it_. And if _I knew what was good for me_. I think that was it," she said and shrugged again.  
"You sure?" he asked and she nodded. He wasn't sure if she was being completely honest though.  
"And your jacket? How did it rip?"  
"I guess on the way in there," she said like it wasn't such a big deal.  
"And the rest of your clothes? They looked messy."  
"I think he grabbed a hold of me as he was threatening me."

"Did you recognize them?" he asked but she shook her head.  
"They spoke southern though, like with a southern drawl."  
"So they were from back home?"  
"I guess."  
"So you heard _both_ of them speak? I thought you said only one of them did."

She gave him a look and he challenged it.

"I guess he said something then, they were both southern," she admitted.  
"You want to add something about how your clothes got messed up as well?"  
"No, I'm fine," she mumbled with her head down.

"So he hit you in your gut, what else?"  
"Nothing else."  
"I do not believe they got you in that alley without some sort of scuffle, c'mon Amanda, tell me."  
"He might have hit me in the side first, and then yanked my hair."

He'd picked up her hat right by the entrance of the alley so her story checked out so far.

"I tried to hit 'em back but I couldn't get a good punch in, he kept fending off my blows. Then the gut blow, that's it."

He watched her for a bit, wondered if he should push her more but he figured she'd already had enough beefs for tonight. He got on his feet.

"Okay, show me," he said gesturing her up.  
"Are you kiddin' me?" she asked stunned.  
"Not kiddin' you, get up," Fin said and made even more sweeping gestures to get her up. She cursed a little under her breathe but got up.

"Get your sweater off," he said.  
"Get the f," she swallowed the rest of the word, "I'm not going to offer you some striptease Fin."  
"And I'm not asking but I'm going to have a good look at you whether you want to or not and it will be easier without your sweater. You can keep your tee on though or whatever you're wearing underneath."  
"Well thank you very much," she said sarcastically. When she realized he wouldn't give in she started with her sweater under a lot of bottled animosity. Scratch that, not so bottled. She had a short sleeved top underneath and he immediately spotted some scratches on her arm.

"That's from earlier," she enlighten him as he curiously observed the damage closer.  
"Right, forgot you've taken two tumbles today," he smiled at her and her face eased up a little. He tensed up a little though the moment later.  
"So…" he said sounding a little insecure as he gestured to the hem of her tee, "Can I… like..."

She sighed loudly.

"Oh relax Fin, go ahead just keep it in your pants," she said and pulled up her tee. He mouthed 'ha, ha' but then bent down slightly to have a closer look. She felt his fingers brush up slightly against her skin and she found herself holding her breath.  
"You'll get a bruise, we should take a pic of it tomorrow. And your ribs? What side was it?"

She hitched up her top on one side, he swiped it up higher though. She froze slightly as his palm went over her skin even though he was gentle. He didn't notice and made her turn around towards the light. She flinched as he ran his fingers up over her ribs and reached the part that hurt, hurt really much but of course she tried to pretend it didn't.

"You should let me take you to the hospital, they could've broken your ribs," he said giving her a grim look.  
"I'm fine," she said and pulled down her hand and his hands with them, "nothing's broken."  
"You're such an expert?" he said doubtfully.  
"I've had broken ribs yes, this is just a sprain at most, no biggie."  
"Okay, but we'll take pics in the morning and I'll write the report."  
"So unnecessary," she mumbled as she sat back down.  
"So _not_ unnecessary, this creep is going down," Fin said definitely.

"So can you take her out or not, she's got the look," Amanda said, Frannie's head in her lap with pleading eyes.  
"I got you girl, c'mon Frannie," Fin said clapping his leg to get Frannie to come over to him, "Can I get you something before we go?"  
"I'm not handicapped Fin," she moaned as she leaned back on the couch.

Fin rolled his eyes slightly but then walked over to the door. He had to call for Frannie again as she was reluctant to leave her owner's side. He'd made it down on the street when Liv called to check in. She had already texted earlier that Taymor was okay which had calmed Amanda down. Liv let him know she'd left the hotel, she wanted to come over to check in on Amanda but Fin said there was no need. He knew Amanda would hate to have another visitor tonight, she was already prickly enough.

Liv had an ulterior motif as she wanted to try and convince Amanda to let her be there tomorrow as she talked to Barba. But she didn't manage to talk her way passed Fin and she didn't feel like pulling a sergeant card after everything that had gone down tonight. He promised to write a report in the morning and both he and Amanda would sit down with a sketch artist to get faces on the perps. He also promised to stay overnight to make sure she was safe.

After he'd made sure Frannie did her business he walked back. He kept his eyes out after anyone who might be watching the building. He got in and found her in the exact spot where he'd left her so he suspected she'd dozed off but of course she denied it, said she'd been to the bathroom _and stuff_.

"So can I enter your final frontier," he said a little overly dramatic.  
"Why?" she said as she tried to get off the couch looking as unaffected as possible.  
"Linen, for the couch," he said.  
"Oh no," she said as she grasped he was planning to spend the night.  
"Hell yeah," he countered though.  
"Fin really, they're not going to attack me twice."  
"Might," he said not ready to take any chances.  
"I'm tired Fin," she said seriously, "I'll put the chain on, bring a kitchen knife to bed if it would please you."

She made a face at him but he wasn't humored.

"Or I could just sleep right here," he suggested gesturing to the couch.  
"Not gonna happen," she said as she dragged herself to the kitchen, "I need to sleep, gotta see Barba in the morning, gotta be up hell-of-a early."  
"C'mon Amanda, what would it hurt," he said following her, Frannie right on his trail.  
"I need to sleep," she said as she poured herself a glass of water.  
"You seemed to sleep fine with me here yesterday," he mocked a little.  
"Well that was yesterday, thank you but get out Fin," she said putting down the glass of water with which she'd just downed two Tylenol. He was still very reluctant to leave but she stopped by his side, gave him a serious stare as she patted his arm.

"I'll be fine Fin, promise," she said.

She looked at him and kept praying inside her head that he would just go, _he had to go. She couldn't take much more tonight. Those thugs. Patton's fucking goons. They had told her to keep her mouth shut. They'd put their hands on her, she knew Patton had told them just what to do and it grossed her out. She couldn't wait to get in the shower, to try and wash away tonight's filth. _

"Go, sleep in your own bed, I'll see you later tomorrow," she said and more or less pushed him towards the door.  
"You'll put on the chain, open for no one," he instructed.  
"I know that for fucks sake," she mumble, "but thank you."  
"Call," he said as he got his shoes on, "whenever. For any reason, I'll be right back."  
"Thank you Fin, I'll probably just crash, I'll be fine," she reassured him.  
"Okay, night," he said walking out.  
"Night Fin," she said and added another 'thank you' just to make sure he knew she did appreciate his concern.  
"Put the chain on," she heard as she closed the door.

She shook her head a little but did as told, not like she wouldn't have even if not. _She was scared. She was terrified._ She did her best to keep it together as she went down the hallway towards her bedroom but the tears had started falling before she got there. She closed the door between herself and Frannie. _She couldn't even stand to let her dog see her break down. _But break down she did. Sniffling hysterically as she crumbled to the floor in the middle of her bathroom. Latching on to the bathroom rug like it was her only life line and right now it felt as it was. _Everything hurt. She couldn't take this much longer. She was crumbling from within. It hurt too much and she wasn't getting any air_. She looked up, saw her hairbrush on the washbowl and reached for it. Using her very last energy to grab a hold of it and then crashed back down on the floor. She pressed her face down on the cold tiles as she started thrusting the brush's shaft in to her thigh over and over again as she let out a silent shriek. Outside the door Frannie whimpered, her paws scraping against the door.

Amanda's thigh started to go numb. The physical pain along with the tears, sniffles and hyperventilating had left her feeling empty inside and she could finally breathe a little calmer. She relaxed against the tiles, exhaustion taking over as she hugged the hairbrush close to her chest. _She just had to get through tomorrow. Tomorrow and then the trial, having to face him one more time. She would do her best to help Reese out. She would vouch for how degrading he was to women, how he copped feels and that would be sufficient. That would work. It had to work. _

"It has to work," she mumbled as she fell asleep right there on the floor.

**She woke up around 2 am**, shivering slightly and jolting back from sleep from a nightmare. Not one of the most haunting she'd had these past couple of days but enough to have formed a light coat of sweat over her skin and that shower she'd been in need of even earlier felt really nice. She wasn't sure how long she'd stayed in there but she'd managed to drag herself out of there finally. Frannie was still waiting patiently outside the door and together they curled up on her bed to try and get another few hours of sleep. She gave up after a while, took another shower to try and wash some guilt off. _How could she let Reese fend for herself when she held information that could put the nail in his coffin? Maybe. If anyone believed her. How could she let a slime like Patton intimidate her? He thought he could send his thugs after her. Let them grope her. And what if it didn't end there? What if he himself paid a visit next time? _Just the thought made it hard for her to breathe. Her skin crawled.

She tried to get ready for the meeting with Barba. It was lucky she'd been up way before she had to cause she kept forgetting things and changed her outfit several times. Everything felt wrong, tight, itched on her skin. She made it to the court house just in time. She'd hurried up the long stairs and was a little out of breath as she reached his floor.

"No need to stress detective," she heard behind her and spun around with a slight gasp. Barba was standing in the hallway, leaning up casually against a wall with a folder in his hands.  
"I'm sorry," she breathed wanting to apologize for not being there early. Barba had a look at his watch but then just shrugged like it was no big deal.  
"I had a meeting in my office," he explained as he took her down a corridor, the courthouse was oddly quiet, "we didn't really have time to wrap up so I let them have my room. Court room 3 is open so I was thinking we could use it, you don't mind do you?"

Amanda shook her head but her stomach was doing flips. _Would he make her sit on the stand? Today already? _

"I heard about last night," Barba said just to fill the void as they made their way down to the courtroom but also because he was concerned. He'd gotten the creepy vibe from Patton, had no doubt that he wasn't guilty of raping Taymor but he did not think he would actually have the guts to attack a NYPD cop. It made Barba a little curious what detective Rollins knew that was such a threat to Patton. Liv had called him again yesterday, told him to push Rollins a little. He'd questioned why the sergeant wanted him to push one of _her_ detectives but Benson had played it sneaky, not really wanted to explain why.

They'd reached the court room, Barba as usual genteel and held the door open for her.

"Take a seat in the hot seat why don't you," he suggested and cocked his head up the aisle. She reluctantly stepped up, brushing her palms against her pants to get rid of some sweat.

"I brought you water," he said and placed the bottle he'd been carrying in front of her as she sat down.  
"Thanks," she mumbled and immediately got the lid off and took a mouthful.

Barba gave her a look before he put his folder down on the nearest desk so he could spread out some paper. She seemed a little nervous to him.

"Okay, so let's start with when you joined Atlanta PD and then move on to how you met Patton and were to join his squad," Barba said with his side turned to her and his eyes on her service paper that he'd picked up.  
"Okay?" he asked and gave her a look when she didn't say anything.  
"Oh, you want me to give you the answers now?" she asked a little distracted and squirmed a little in her seat. Barba smiled at her.  
"No better time than the present," he said.  
"Oh okay," she said and took a deep breath as she tried to focus her mind.  
"I started the police academy in Atlanta in…"

**They went through** the basics. Barba pressed her a little on her first initial meeting with Patton as she was a little sketchy. He sensed how uneasy she became just by the mention of his name, her brows constantly getting a slight frown whenever he said his name and she avoided it best she could. Often replacing his name with _him_ or _he_ which made Barba have to ask if she meant Patton. She got even more fidgety as she got in to her move from beat cop to detective. She wasn't acting like her usual self up in that witness stand and Barba started to feel a little self-conscious as well.

He got flashbacks from that murder trial where he'd been forced to expose her GA sponsor and the fact their relationship went beyond sponsor/sponsee. He'd caught a look of her at the very back at the courtroom and seen how her face was cracking. When he'd caught up with her at the elevators he'd seen her sponsor by her side and he'd been ready to jump in if he did anything to harm her.

Thankfully though he'd walked off and Barba had collected enough courage to walk up to make sure she was okay. Her eyes had been filled with tears, fighting to keep them in, he'd never seen her under so much distress but now she was starting to look a little bit like that. When he asked her if she was okay, if she perhaps wanted to take a break even though they'd barely gotten started, she'd shook him off though. Just go on, she answered, so that's what he did.

"So let me get this straight, you worked for captain Reynolds but you shadowed Patton?"  
"Aha," Amanda breathed. Barba had another look in his papers.  
"And you say he often kept you late, and when doing so he often conducted himself improper by offering to rub your neck and shoulders and he would not take no for an answer. You will have to recount for actual events of that, can you do that?"

He looked at her and she nodded. He wanted to ask her to do that right there and then but she just looked so fragile up there he refrained from it. He wasn't sure how it would work out during the actual trial and he felt a little shameful for actually thinking that it would sell better if she looked like this during her disposition.

"Okay let's move on," he said and looked down at his papers again, making a small note on it, "At some point you were asked to be removed from Patton and work solely under Reynolds."

He thought he caught a slight nod from her and looked back down.

"Can you tell me why? How that come about and also how Patton reacted to your request?"

Barba was writing down a follow-up question as he awaited her answer. When none came though he looked up and caught only the top of her head.

"Amanda?" he asked growing instantly concerned. When she didn't even stir he dropped his pen on the desk and took a few steps closer to her.  
"Are you okay?" he asked, afraid to approach her further. When she finally sat back up her entire face was pale and she looked almost like she was in physical pain. Tears spilled over out of one of her eyes.  
"What's wrong?" Barba asked, tone grave and dripping with concern. He saw her take a strained breath and then another one as she tried to form words with her dry mouth.

"He raped me," she whispered.  
"W-what?" Barba stuttered, having heard her but not quite able to grasp what she'd said. She looked absolutely terrified but gave him a slight nod.  
"He raped me," she repeated.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry it's taken so long to update. That episode was hard to process. It messed a little with my writing as I was also planning of using Amanda's sister, following Patton's pattern to use upsetting times in the women's life to get close to them. So it was just hard to write when knowing what length Amanda truly went to, to protect her sister.**

**As for the episode I'm still torn. The writers really made it tricky didn't they?! Amanda was obviously raped but I can see how that will be hard for her to get her head around. I can't see this as the turning point for her, I see a lot of destructive behavior still in store for her &amp; it both pains me but also thrills me cause c'mon Kelli can really pull that off so darn good. But the lack of support from her new squad upsets me. She made a teeny tiny step with Liv but I still expected more from Liv. Fin did good at first but he should not have let her walk off like that on her own.**

**As for Rollaro - Amanda was slutshamed (unrightfully so from what I understand) down in Atlanta &amp; she never slept around like Patton suggested to Dodds. But in NY she's actually bedded another detective so I can't see that as a good thing if they leave it like this, not for Amanda's well-being. And I refuse to believe it was all about sex, Amanda was obviously invested in him. As for Nick I'm not so sure &amp; it's my biggest problem with Rollaro so far, I'd always thought their roles should've been reversed, he should've been the 'needy' one. But anywho, this would be a perfect time for Nick to step up, take it to a serious level &amp; show the support he should. This would actually have been a better time to introduce Rollaro to be honest.**

**I don't think we've learnt everything Patton put her through either. The rape occurred 5 years ago which means she had to have worked for him for over a year after it happened. And it's my belief that the 'out of line' that Sam mentioned in episode Strange Beauty was something that happened closer to her transfer, something that was a little more public. Speaking off, damn I so wanted Sam to be a good guy but no, he's no better than Patton.**

**Okay so the new chapter, major trigger warnings so be kind to yourselves. It's basically 'just' the big reveal. There will be one more pre-trail chapter &amp; at least two after-trial chapters. I got a kinda cute Amanda/Liv bit planned out &amp;, as promised, a Rollaro chapter. I've never really written Barba before, I liked it but I'm not sure I got the hang of him just yet. Kind &amp; careful reading! XO**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

* * *

"_Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies_." ~ Dorothy Allison, _Bastard Out of Carolina_

* * *

Liv put her foot on the break, tires shrieked and she missed the car in front of her by no more than an inch. The angry driver behind the wheel of the car that almost got Liv's front planted in his side door honked and shoved his hand in the air at her. She waved apologetic but silently wished she'd just rammed him because he was not getting out of the way quick enough.

Just a few minutes ago she'd received a phone call from Barba.

"Barba?" she answered the moment she saw his name in the display, she knew he had the deposition with Amanda down at the courthouse.  
"Get down here," was all he said. She rose to her feet immediately.  
"What happened?" she'd asked as she got her things together. There had been a silent pause and she'd almost repeated her question afraid that he'd missed it.

"Just… get down here," he'd said and then hung up. _Get down here_. His words echoed inside her head as she was able to take off again. _It must be about Amanda. Had she said something? Disclosed something? Barba could be tricky to decipher but he'd never been this cryptic. Get down here? Had Amanda never arrived? Was he pissed?_ Thoughts kept swirling inside her head as she steered her way down towards the courthouse. She couldn't get there fast enough.

She parked the car, ran across the open space in front of the courthouse and up the stairs. The guards were already watching her suspiciously but she slid her coat to one side and showed the badge on her hip so they let her pass, even held up the door for her. She ran up the stairs towards Barba's office but found it empty. She dialed his number and waited impatiently for him to answer.

"I'm here but where are you?" she asked the moment he answered.

**Once Amanda had** disclosed her big secret to Barba they'd just looked at each other for a while. Amanda trying to bite down the tears that threaten to consume her if she let go and Barba trying to calm himself down. He was a prosecutor, he should be able to conduct himself. It wasn't the first time he'd heard such a confession on the stand but yet he found himself completely dumbfounded, a state her rarely found himself in if ever. Amanda's face finally crumbled and she bowed her head down, ashamed and wanting nothing but to crawl in to that corner down by her feet.

"Do you want to…" he started but stumbled on his own words, "You want to go on?"  
"Can I…" she tried to speak but her voice failed her. She'd seen tears fall from her eyes and she tried wiping them off without detection but of course that was impossible.

"I can't," she whispered and got up. He was still just about a yard in front of the stand and in her path of flight. She stumbled slightly getting down from the stand and he raised his hands ready to catch her if she fell but she gasped and shied away from him. He pulled his hands back, sensing her fear of him and his proximity. So he got out of her way and she picked up speed walking by him.

"Amanda," he called after her unsure what he could do or _should_ do. It just made her pick up speed as she glanced back a little and then she close to ran out of there. He was a little stunned but found himself rather quickly, gathering together his papers on the desk and then grabbing her jacket off the railing. He took off after her but walked out to an empty hallway.

He walked faster than he'd ever done before within the walls of this building that he proudly called work, took the stairs down all the way to the entrance. He asked the guards if a blonde woman had run passed them but got a negative so he hurried back up.

"Amanda?" he called out as he walked back down the corridor expecting to find her hiding somewhere. Coming around the bend he spotted a woman, he recognized the young clerk.

"Are you looking for a blonde woman? Dressed in black?" she asked and Barba nodded walking up to her.  
"She's in there," the clerk said and gestured to the ladies room she'd just exited.  
"Thank you," he said relieved and very grateful as he started to walk over there.  
"She's throwing up," the woman let him know, "and she says she doesn't want any help."  
"Okay, thank you, I got it," Barba said and walked over to the door. He froze right outside though, listening to the heels of the clerk walking away with hesitant steps. _What would he say? How could she comfort her?_

He knew he had to try though and carefully glanced the door open.

"Amanda?" he called out to let her know who it was. He could hear someone in there, sounded like paper getting pulled inside one of the stalls.  
"Are you okay?" he asked immediately regretting asking that. _Of course she wasn't okay_.  
"Just give me a minute?" her fragile voice came from one of the stalls.  
"Of course," he said but found himself lingering.  
"I'll be right outside," he finally said and stepped back out.

He felt reluctant to let go off the door but she'd asked for a minute so he would have to give her that. Once he'd let go off the door he took a few steps backwards and ended up just watching the door for a few seconds. He realized he had no idea what to do. He was in need of help so he called Liv.

It had taken more than a minute before she'd finally walked out. He had just started thinking about going back in, getting a little worried about what she might be up to in there. Walking closer to the door though he'd heard the water run so he figured she was out of the stall at least and he gave her some more time. She'd been unable to look him straight in the eyes as she finally stepped out and she'd kept standing in the door for a few seconds.

"I called Liv," he admitted not knowing what else to say just that someone had to say something and it had to be him, "She's on her way."

Her face crumbled slightly but eased up quickly. She looked pale. He could tell she'd washed her face, parts of her bangs slightly damp. She was biting at the inside of her cheek.

"Why don't we go sit down in a room down the hall while we wait, get you something to drink," Barba suggested. She nodded but it took a few beats before she actually got herself moving. He walked by her side. It looked as though she reached slightly for her jacket but he said he would carry it for her and she let him.

"This should be empty," he said and let her in to one of the courtroom's witness rooms.  
"Have a seat wherever you want to sit," he said and went over to put her jacket on the hanger by the wall. She sat down on one of the four chairs around the table and squirmed a little as though she couldn't find a comfortable position.

"You want something to drink?" he asked and met her blue eyes briefly. She nodded.  
"Yes please," she whispered and then swallowed hard.  
"I'll get something from the vending machine, I'll be right back," he said.

He'd left his papers on the table and started digging around his pocket for some change. Thankfully he always kept a few dollar bills in both his jacket and pants knowing he would sooner or later need a snack during work hours. He liked snacks. By the vending machine he found himself trying to remember what she'd ordered to drink whenever they had lunch together but he could not for his life recall that right now. _Maybe he'd never even taken notice of it?_ He should really pay more attention to the people around him he told himself as he picked all four different flavors of soda and listened to them drop down the machine. He thought about getting some snacks as well from the other vending machine but that could turn a little precarious so he just brought the drinks back in to her. Of course he went through the door too quickly and he caught her wincing.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled as he closed the door and came over to her.  
"I wasn't sure what you wanted," he explained as he but all four cans down. She seemed to grab the one closest to her and he told her to be careful it wouldn't splatter her. He could tell her hand was a little shaky as she brought the can to her lips but the cool liquid seemed to sit well with her as she let out a deep breath as she put it down again.

"Do you want something else?" he asked but she just shook her head at him trying to give him a smile but it faded quickly. He sat down on the chair opposite her, pulled it out to make sure he wouldn't crowd her. The silence got awkward quickly. He found himself unable to look anywhere than at her even though she obviously felt uncomfortable under his watchful eye.

"We should wait for Liv right?" he finally asked as his head was about to explode by sitting quiet. She looked a little uncertain, shrugging slightly.  
"Yeah we probably should," he said, putting his leg down so he could fold the other one over instead.

She kept fingering her soda can, had some of it every now and then. Barba checked his watch a couple of times but tried to do it smoothly. She noticed though. _She felt oddly blank inside. Wiped out somehow. Only thing she felt was some fear, fear of having to face Liv and not knowing what to say to her. She'd said A, she'd said the R word, would she have to tell the rest now? How could she when she couldn't even remember what she had for breakfast this morning? Did she even have breakfast? She must've had something cause something had come up when she'd just thrown up. She'd spent years telling herself nothing had happened. What if she couldn't remember now? What if she'd really forgotten what had happened? _

She jumped slightly as Barba's phone went off. He jumped too and fumbled to get his phone up.

"It's Liv, just a second," he told Amanda and walked out the door as he answered.

He guided Liv upstairs and then hung up as he heard her steps on the stairs. She looked flushed once he got a better look at her, like she'd run all the way over there and for all he knew she could've, certainly felt as they'd waited that long for her to get there.

"What's going on?" she breathed even before she reached him. He shot the door which Amanda sat behind a look and took a couple of steps away from it, racing his hand a little at Liv to get her to settle down.

"What?" she asked anxiously as she reached him.  
"She's in there," he said cocking his head towards the door closest to them.  
"Barba what happened?" she asked impatiently.  
"You'll need to take her statement," he said cryptically and she looked confused.  
"Statement for what?" she asked shaking her head.  
"Her… _rape_," Barba said carefully.  
"Her…?" Liv asked but wasn't capable of repeating his words. Barba started nodding.  
"So Patton…?" Again Barba nodded. Liv frowned.

She closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead as she took a step sideways so she could lean slightly against the wall. She felt sick to her stomach. _She'd known Amanda kept some secret but even if her behavior hinted at that secret being something major Liv had hoped it wasn't rape. Not that a rape attempt or long term sexual harassment were any better but a rape just felt so… final._

"How's she doing?" Liv asked once she'd sorted out the emotions inside. Barba had given her time to do so. He wasn't sure how to answer her question though and shrugged slightly.  
"Composed right now," he mused, "Not so composed in the lavatory a while ago, I think she regurgitated."

Liv nodded, at any other time she might have been amused by Barba's choice of words but right now amusement was far, far off. She tried gathering herself by taking a few deep breaths. _Amanda needed her to bring her a-game right now_. She gave Barba another look and then walked over to the door. She met Amanda's anxious blue eyes the moment she opened the door. She looked very pale to Liv, frail even.

"Hey," Liv said softly as she walked in. Amanda tried to smile, Liv's presence made it hard for her to talk. _This was really happening_. Liv chose the chair opposite Amanda, it was already pulled out. Liv took her jacket off and hung it on the back of the chair before she had a seat.

"Do you want me to leave?" Barba asked. He'd walked up to the table after Liv but wasn't sure if Amanda wanted him here for this or not.  
"You'll have to hear it later right?" Amanda whispered, voice almost failing her. Barba nodded.  
"Stay," she said looking down on her clutched hands on the table.

She didn't really want Barba to hear this at all but being alone with Liv freaked her out even more. Barba walked around her and had a seat next to her but again pulled out his chair slightly to not crowd her. Even though she was looking down she was fully aware of where he was, she could feel Liv's eyes on her as well but she didn't dare to look up just yet. _Just breathe. It will be okay. They'll believe you. They are not going to call you a liar. They wouldn't right? _

"Amanda," Liv tried carefully seeing how her chest started to rise and fall a little heavier.  
"I'm sorry," Amanda said as she looked up, "I should've told you. Told you sooner. I shouldn't have… I should've told you."

She knew she was rambling but she couldn't help herself. _She felt so stupid_.

"Amanda, it's okay," Liv tried but Amanda wasn't hearing her.  
"I know I have a duty to, I should've told you. I just couldn't. I'm sorry. I don't know why I just didn't tell you…"  
"Amanda," Liv said again, leaning in and reaching out over the table to get her attention by touching her hand. Amanda's eyes popped open though as she saw Liv's hand approach and she pulled back her clasped hands before Liv reached them.  
"It's okay," Liv said, putting her palms up unthreatening, "And you have nothing to be sorry about."

Amanda frowned though.

"If I…" she started but had to start over as her voice failed her, "Reese. If I had told, back then, she wouldn't have… I can never fix that now."  
"What you're doing right now Amanda," Liv said extremely sincerely, "_that_ will help Reese. It will help her."  
"Too late though," Amanda said fighting hard to not start crying. If she started crying now she would never get through this, she knew that and fought it with all she had.

"Try to not think about that right now Amanda," Liv begged, still leaning in over the table but she'd put her hands down a few inches from Amanda's. Amanda tried to swallow the guilt down, it tasted bad though and it made her chest hurt even more. Liv sat back a little, exchanged a glance with Barba. He looked very collected right now and Liv tried to fuel some of that from him. She reached down inside her pocket and got her phone, her pad and a pen out.

"Is it okay with you if I record this?" she asked before she did anything else. Amanda looked at Liv's phone like it was a big threat but then she still nodded.  
"I promise no one else will listen to it unless you've approved it," Liv said as she put her recorder on and placed the phone between them but a little to the side so it wouldn't bother Amanda too much. It didn't seem to help though as Amanda kept staring at it.

"Amanda can you tell me what happened?" Liv asked softly and pulled her attention away from the recorder.  
"You mean about…" Amanda asked a little uncertain but didn't finish the sentence. Liv nodded, smiling softly. Amanda's eyes darted a little back and forth, landed briefly on Barba as she turned her head slightly but then went down to her hands on the table as she pulled them off and down to her lap. She swallowed hard.

"We'd closed a case… that week, it was a… Thursday and we had a few beers at the station and then… went on to a… bar, a bar where we hung out often."  
"Can you remember the exact date?" Liv interrupted. Amanda nodded and gave her a date about eight months before she transferred. Liv took note of it and told Amanda to continue.

"He'd been on me even earlier at the station…"  
"Been on you?" Liv questioned. Amanda squirmed a little.  
"My sister… she'd gotten in some… trouble," by the look on Amanda's face it was more than a _little_ trouble, "It wasn't the first time and Patton… he was always sympathetic when she caused drama."

Liv watched Amanda's eyes drift off somewhere. Even though Barba was sitting by her side he could tell she drifted off too and he exchanged a glance with Liv.

"Amanda?" Liv tried and brought her back to the room. Liv gave her a soft smile but Amanda kept her tense face. She squirmed again.  
"Sympathetic how?" Liv asked when Amanda remained quiet. Amanda glanced Barba's way and he felt as though maybe it would've been better if he wasn't present after all. He was obviously making her unsettled right now and made it harder for her to say whatever it was she was about to say.

"Tell me," Liv begged and got Amanda to look her way, "It's okay, tell me."

Amanda frowned but then took a deep breathe to settle herself.

"Everyone knew everything about everyone back there, you couldn't really get around it so they knew about… my family… troubles, and when my sister…," Amanda took a deep breath before she continued, "When she went off her meds she started getting in serious trouble, the kind that landed her in the arrest you know. And everyone knew, looked at you but didn't really talk about it. But Patton… he was sympathetic, he showed… concern. Wanted to… be there."

Amanda bit her lip, her eyes had long ago swayed from Liv's. She kept her head down, watched her hands grasp desperately at each other. _She couldn't fiddle now, she knew she had a tendency to do so when she was nervous. Her mom had called her out on it several times. Calling her bluff as she tried to stay strong, stay resilient to her mom's bullying. Why was she thinking about that right now? Wasn't she already in a tough spot, did she really have to go there as well? _

"Amanda," Liv called for her attention again and Amanda felt stupid for yet again spacing out.  
"I'm sorry," she said quickly and tried to sit up a little on her chair.  
"Don't worry about it," Liv said softly, "We're in no hurry."

Amanda tried to relax. _She knew Liv was just being kind, surely they couldn't sit there all day with her. Barba had court… no she couldn't think about that now._

"Okay?" Liv asked when Amanda took another deep breath. Amanda nodded.  
"So he called me in to his office, said he wanted to lend his support," Amanda was surprised to hear herself talk so clearly suddenly and she carried on as she had momentum going, "And he said he would do whatever he could to help out. It was the same thing every time though. He'd come around his desk, sit on the chair beside you or even on the arm of my chair. He'd…"

Suddenly her words stalked up and she had to take another deep breath to calm herself down.

"He'd put an arm around you, or rub your shoulders a little. He liked to touch the back of my neck. And that was while he comforted, while he lend his support. But then… as he said he could help his hand… _wandered_."

Amanda had to take a break and unclasped her hands as they were starting to hurt. It didn't take long though until she'd closed each fist on each leg, every now and then rubbing her knuckles against her thigh.

"He'd touch my face, brush his finger over my lips. He put his thumb inside my mouth once," Amanda frowned at the memory and swallowed hard, it had felt so intrusive, "He would put his lips on my neck. His hand went down… over my… chest and he would… fondle?" She wasn't really sure what word to use but Liv seemed to get it as she glanced up briefly at her.  
"His hand was on my thigh, sliding up… but I'd just sit there you know. I mean I didn't tell him to stop."

Her cheeks were burning with embarrassment and she looked at Liv with shameful eyes.

"You just sat there cause he was your superior officer and he made it sound like if you'd let him do that, he would help your sister get out of lock up," Liv said as though she didn't put any guilt on Amanda and Amanda felt a sense of relief. She nodded.

"So he used his authority to intimidate you Amanda. _He_ did wrong here, not you," Liv reassured her as she could tell Amanda needed it. Amanda was able to take a shivering breath.  
"How often did this occur Amanda?" Liv asked.  
"I guess my sister's rap sheet will tell you that," Amanda said a little jokingly but her smile faded quickly.  
"So every time she got arrested. And did it stop with _just_ the fondling? The touching?" Liv asked carefully. Amanda looked reluctant to answer but Liv just gave her the time she needed.

"When he… He tried to get inside… my… clothes, I… couldn't, I mean then it felt… too much, too intrusive, I mean it did even before that but…"  
"He'd reached your limit," Liv said helping her out and Amanda nodded.  
"So then I got up, ran out of there."  
"Did he let you? I mean he didn't grab you or order you to get back inside?" Liv asked but Amanda shook her head.

"And did your sister get off? Did he still come true to his word to help out?"  
"She's never been to prison," Amanda just stated. She wasn't sure if it was Patton's doing, Amanda pleading to the judge or prosecutor each time or just the sheer, stupid luck of her sisters.

"And what happened that night? That night you celebrated closing a case? Before you got to the bar."  
"This time it was… I mean she had felony charges, she'd really gotten herself in trouble this time. I knew it was really bad. And he told me that as well… when he called me in to his office. He said it wouldn't just go away if I didn't… I mean he didn't say it but I knew what he meant."

"What did he mean Amanda?"  
"That if I slept with him he would make her charges go away."  
"So you…" Liv had a bad feeling in her gut. She wouldn't blame Amanda if she'd let Patton oppress her into it but it would make the situation that more trickier, mostly for Amanda herself. Amanda's face crumbled a little.

"He kissed me. He was inside my top… and I just started feeling really sick to my stomach. I… just couldn't, let that happen. I wanted my sister to… I mean I didn't want her to go to jail but I just couldn't."  
"You should never have been put in that situation Amanda," Liv tried to console as she could tell how grief-stricken she was about what she seemed to think of as failing her sister, "He abused his power. That was not your fault Amanda."

Liv gave her some time to compose herself again as the guilt was obviously riding her.

"You think you can tell me what did happen?" Liv tried after a while.  
"I was really upset, I mean even before I left his office. Like my sister was going to jail, I believed, and what happened with Patton… I just felt really… like I drank… a lot," the look Amanda gave Liv told just how much she'd been drinking.

"I just wanted to get wasted that night. Like drown everything. Forget everything. Patton was still around, he offered me a beer, in a bottle, but I'd gone over to harder stuff and turned him down, and just got away from him. I didn't want to be around him. I mean I thought I was safe with the others. And when we came to the bar I didn't really see him. He usually didn't come to the bar anyway but someone told me he was still around but at that point I was just… well I didn't care about anything else than having a good time."

Amanda shot Liv a crocked smile accompanied with a slight shrug. Liv smiled back. She didn't hold it against Amanda that she got drunk but since it sounded like something would happen that night she wished Amanda would've been sober enough to fend for herself and that she'd been able to change the outcome of the night.

"I shouldn't have had so much to drink, that was so stupid of me," Amanda whispered.  
"Don't blame yourself Amanda," Liv tried but could tell it was futile, "Can you tell me what happened?"  
"That's it though," Amanda said, face crumbling, "I don't really know. I was having a good time and then everything just went blank. And I mean _completely_ blank. I don't know how I got out of there, how I got home but I woke up in my bed the morning after. And I could just feel something was wrong."

Amanda needed a few seconds to collect herself but then she blurted it all out;

"I was completely nude. I don't sleep in the nude. My clothes were spread around the bed. There was no sign of anyone else. I had a really hard time getting out of bed. My head was spinning, my mouth dry. I felt sick to my stomach, I puked later on. I felt drowsy. I put a tee on and took a look around as best I could, I had a really hard time controlling my legs. My keys were on the table in the living room. I usually put them on a knob by the door. The door was unlocked. I mean someone had been there. I just knew it. And I mean… I was drunk but I hadn't had a night one stand since college, I usually don't… do that. But I could feel that… someone had… I mean someone had been in that bed with me."

"Did you have marks on your body?" Liv asked carefully.  
"I didn't really check first, I just went in to the shower. I felt disgusted with myself so I just needed a shower. And that's when I started to… get I dunno if it was flashbacks or what it was but I kept seeing… Patton's face hovering like over me. But I mean I've had nightmares about him before so I thought that might be it. I really didn't want to believe it."

Amanda searched for Liv's eyes, seemed in need of understanding or perhaps acceptance and Liv gave it to her by smiling softly at her and she whispered a 'it's okay' to reassure her. It seemed to be enough for Amanda to wise up a little and she took a deep breath before she continued;

"I had slight bruising on the inside of my thighs, I mean not much but… yeah. I kept throwing up and I kept feeling drowsy for like a day. I managed to get to the drugstore and I got a day after pill just to be sure. I worked that weekend and people kept telling me I was wasted Thursday. They made fun of me but at least no one… mentioned that I had…," Amanda squirmed a little, "I asked Sam if he knew how I got home Thursday but he didn't know. He'd seen me heading towards the bathrooms and then… he didn't know."

"Did you see Patton that day?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"No he came in Monday. He didn't look at me, like for weeks. Like he avoided me and I kept pretending that it was because I'd turned him down. That his ego was just… hurt or something. I mean at least he didn't call me to his office or humiliate me in front of the squad."

"What happened to your sister? Did she go to jail?"

Again Amanda shook her head to Liv's question.

"She got probation, her lawyer told me it was unbelievable. Like they had downgraded her charges. Patton must've… come through."  
"In exchange for…?" Liv didn't really know what to call it. Amanda nodded.  
"I don't mean this to sound inconsiderate but Amanda, how do you know it was Patton and not someone else?" Liv had to ask this question.

Amanda bit down on her lip, hard, it whitened under her teeth. Liv could see a slight shiver going through Amanda's body and it looked as though Amanda wanted to squirm out of her own skin.

"Cause he…" she started once she'd let her lip go but her voice failed her and she had to start over, "Cause he told me the second time."

* * *

_"Man is the cruelest animal."_ ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

* * *

"The… second time?" Liv asked chocked. Amanda just nodded, keeping her eyes down and away from Liv's. Liv thought she'd reached the level of how much disgust you could feel for another person but she'd been wrong. _This creep was walking her streets right now? He should've been put behind bars long ago._

"Do you need to take a break Amanda?" Liv asked. She wasn't even sure Amanda was breathing at this point, she seemed to have shut down completely.  
"No," Amanda said though, her voice frail but still steady somehow. She rubbed her knuckles over the extended bruise that covered the outside of her thigh. The physical pain helped her focus back on the task at hand. There was no going back now. _She had to let it all out there_. The whole, grizzly truth that had kept her prisoner for so many years.

Liv tried helping her along.

"So for weeks he stayed away from you, no inappropriate touches, no official scoldings. When did that change?"

_She had to tell. But she felt so stupid. Why hadn't she reported the first time? She had felt something was wrong. That she'd been with someone, that someone had… been inside of her. She'd been drowsy the next day, vomited throughout the day, not had her usual appetite, and she had no idea how she'd gotten herself from the bar to her home. She'd never drank herself to the point of blackouts before but still she'd told herself that it was all just that, signs of too much alcohol and a bad hung-over that followed. How stupid was that? And even if she'd been piss drunk, she was a special victims detective, she knew that didn't give someone the right to… violate her like that. She'd been extremely stupid for drinking that much but it wasn't her fault. Right? But she'd told herself it was all on her. The burden was hers and the price she paid for being too afraid to investigate what had really happened that night. And now here she was, having to fess up to her stupidity. She had no business being a detective. How could she…_

"Amanda," Liv called for her attention and her eyes darted up, meeting Liv's kind brown ones.  
"Have something to drink why don't you," Liv suggested and pushed the open can towards her. Both Liv and Barba watched her lift the can to her lips with a shaky hand. Liv could see the nail in-prints in the palm of her other hand as it rested on the table as she drank.

"Better?" Liv asked with a kind smile when Amanda put the can back down. Amanda was about to nod, even started to but then shook her head.

"What's wrong Amanda?" Liv asked doing her best to restrain from reaching over the table and clutching on to her hand. Amanda's eyes swept briefly towards Barba but never got all the way there.  
"I should've…" she breathed once her eyes landed back on the table in front of her, "I should've known better. I should've gone to the hospital. I should've…"  
"You should've been able to trust your superior officer Amanda," Liv said over Amanda's frail voice, "That's all you _should've_ had to do."

For the first time since Liv got there a tear ran down Amanda's cheek but she hurried to wipe it away.

"I thought I was drunk, that I… did that to myself. But he drugged me right? He used Ketamine on me as well?" Amanda looked to Liv for the answer and Liv gave it by nodding slowly.  
"I believe he did," she added to reassure her. Amanda's eyes crumbled but she managed to keep the tears inside somehow.  
"So stupid. So careless," Amanda mumbled shaking her head a little.  
"Don't do that Amanda," Liv said, "Don't go there, you know better than that."

_Do I?_ The question echoed inside Amanda's head. _Was she really fit do be a detective? Wasn't she to blame for Reese getting raped? She could've prevented it had she reported Patton. Surely that was her fault?_

"Can you go on?" Liv asked and Amanda was a little relieved to get out of her own thoughts. She sat up a little straighter again, she kept slouching. _Her mom would slap her over the head if she caught her doing that._ She gave Liv a nod and noticed that she flicked the recorder on her phone back on, she'd missed when she'd turned it off.

"So can you remember when deputy chief Patton got back to his old ways?" Liv asked watching Amanda's face carefully to make sure she really was okay to go on. Amanda inhaled deeply and tried to think back.

"I guess it was gradually," she said having to clear her throat a little to get her voice back, "He started addressing me again, by my name again, and then I guess it was a couple of weeks after that night we were doing this sting and I was being… or going, as a prostitute. We were heading out but he called me back in to the squad room and he… asked me to… take a spin."

Amanda squirmed a little on her chair. She started to realize how bad things really had been down there. _For some reason she'd just gotten used to it. Yes, she'd felt humiliated, embarrassed, but she'd just learnt to expect it. Best she could hope for was someone standing up for her, telling Patton or whoever it was to lay off, but most of the time they all just snickered right along and this had been one of those times._

"I did," Amanda said with a sigh, "but it wasn't good enough so he told me to go again a little faster. He seemed satisfied after the second time and then he told me that all I needed to do now was to get as drunk as I was a couple of weeks back and I would really have the part down to a t."

Liv had to control herself to not growl. This man was despicable, an embarrassment to their force. They got through another few obvious breach of conduct from Patton's part. They learnt that her sister had jeopardized her probation a few months later and Patton had been up to his old tricks calling her in to his office. But this time she'd refused to have a seat knowing what to expect if she did sit down. So she remained standing. He'd become really nasty, spitting threats right in to her ear about how grateful she should be. He'd called her a bitch a few times but she'd escaped as a sergeant knocked on Patton's door. She'd fled the scene.

There had been a few 'parties' and now they'd moved the recreation room down to the cellar. It had more space but Patton still managed to corner her ever so often. She restrained from drinking though, she got a few digs about it, but the few times she did have a beer she made sure she was the one that took the cap off. _Maybe she had played with the thought that she was drugged after all? _Patton often offered her drinks, always getting pissed when she refused to accept them. She got called an ungrateful bitch several times.

Liv could tell on Amanda's body language when they got closer to the point of the second rape. It was like her skin crawled and even Barba, who'd been sitting extremely still with only minor facial cracks throughout Amanda's recount, seemed affected as he started stirring as well.

Amanda dug her nail in to the palm of her other hand. _She had to stay focus._ She could feel her breathe picking up and she could not freak our right now. She knew she had the worst part left but it wasn't like all that other stuff didn't paint her in a bad way. _How could she have let herself be treated like that? What kind of detective did that make her? What integrity did she have after revealing all of this? What credibility would she have in the eyes of the others? Of Liv? Fin? Nick would surely regret ever touching her. This was bad._

"Amanda?" Liv said sensing her becoming absent-minded. Amanda nodded and then gave Liv a date. Liv wrote it down.  
"It was a Friday," Amanda said peeking up underneath her bangs but quickly shied her eyes away from Liv's again, "One of the guys had a birthday that week. There was a cake… and a stripper."  
"A stripper? At the station?" Liv questioned.  
"Not the first time and I'm pretty sure not the last time either," Amanda mumbled digging several nails in to her palm now. _She had to get this out now or she wasn't sure she could do this, she'd glanced towards the door a few times and the urge to run there was getting stronger by the second. _She took a deep breath and kept talking.

"We were running low on cups and someone said there were more upstairs. I volunteered to get some, it would get me away from there for a while and…" She recalled how the guys had urged her on to put dollar bills down the stripper's skimpy bottoms. She'd never understood guys longing to see two women together and never did she escape getting a lap dance from the many strippers that passed through the station during "off-hours".

"So I went upstairs," Amanda said trying to shrug off the uneasy feeling, "The upstair recreation room had quickly become storage for all sorts of things and it was hard to find anything in there. It took me a while but then I found the cups. When I turned around though… he was standing in the door way."

"Deputy chief Patton?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Aha," she breathed.  
"What happened?" Liv asked as she could tell Amanda had a hard time continuing, she kept swallowing over and over again. Liv had picked up on Amanda's glances towards the door and she figured she would much rather get out of there than to tell them this so her aim was to try and help Amanda just get through this as quickly as possible.

"I got startled, I guess I jumped, almost lost hold of the cups. Patton laughed. Said he didn't think it was possible to sneak up on such a _skilled_ detective. I didn't move… cause… well he was in the way, I didn't know what to do. His face changed, he got serious. And he told me he wanted to have a word in his office. I told him I was off and that I wanted to go downstairs instead. I said Sam was expecting me to bring the cups. Patton laughed again, said Sam was busy getting a private lap dance as we spoke."

"I told him I still wanted to go downstairs and he said he would let me if I only stepped in to his office for a minute or so. He said we needed to clear the air."  
"Did you go with him?" Liv asked carefully.  
"I wasn't planning to, I mean I did move towards the door but I was planning on trying to make a run for it but then… he was in the way again. And he told me to not make the situation worse. He took the cups from me, gestured me in to his office. I don't know what happened to the cups," Amanda's voice sounded clearer all of a sudden and her eyes came up to meet Liv's.

"I mean I know he took them, I'm pretty sure he didn't close the door to the old recreation room. But he didn't have the cups in his office. I didn't see the cups when I ran out later. They were not in the hallway. I think the door was still open though, or maybe it wasn't? I'm not sure. I don't know what happened to the cups. I wonder if they got them. They needed more cups. The cups were running low. I promised to get them more cups."

Amanda's eyes were somewhere in the distance, she was rambling and Liv exchanged a glance with Barba.

"Don't worry about that now Amanda," Liv said soothing.

Amanda stopped rambling but her eyes were still vacant. Liv thought about trying to reach out to her again but she wasn't sure how Amanda would react. Barba was the one that made a move though. He fished out a handkerchief from his inner pocket, carefully and silently handed it over to Amanda. It brought Amanda out of her daze, she seemed thrown at first but then whispered a thank you as she caught the small trail of blood coming from her palm. One of her nails had drawn blood and she pushed the fabric against it, feeling slightly embarrassed and also a little sick to her stomach. Liv didn't see what was going on below the table but trusted Barba to have whatever it was covered.

"What happened in his office?" Liv asked after what she hoped was enough time for Amanda to gather herself. Amanda's blues passed hers quickly, she sat up a little and inhaled before she continued.  
"I know I shouldn't have gone in there but I did. I heard him lock the door behind me but when I turned around it was too late. It was already locked and he pulled a chair in front of the door. I just knew it was bad. He asked me what my problem was. Why I just couldn't be a good sport, be one of the boys. I spaced out for a while, I dunno I guess I tried to figure out how to get out of there or maybe I was just blank, I dunno."

Amanda shook her head a little, an awkward smile appearing on her face as fast as it disappeared.

"He kept talking, something about how he didn't get why women had to play so coy, why not just be one of the boys like the stripper downstairs. Just give 'em what they wanted and that was that. Why make it so difficult?.. He…" Amanda had a hard time breathing and she found it hard to get the words out.

"Just take your time," Liv said softly. Amanda shook her head though, she had to get this out now.  
"He said it was my own fault. If I made it difficult I would make it hurt and he didn't want that for me. All he wanted was to be friends. Good friends. I stumbled on a chair as he approached me, I'd backed up, I almost fell over and he laughed. He grabbed a fistful of hair at the back of my neck as I tried to straighten up again. It didn't hurt much though, I didn't even feel it. Just that I couldn't get lose and he brought me over to his desk so easily. I tried to get to his hand, get him to let me lose but I didn't even try to… I mean I could've just hit him in the jugular, kicked his chin, kneed his crotch. That would've been so easy right? I could've done that? I should've done that?"

Amanda's face was crumbling slightly and she looked to Liv with pleading eyes. Liv shook her head.

"He was your superior officer Amanda," she spoke softly, "He outranked you. You have nothing to be ashamed off."

Amanda shook her head though as her eyes went down to her lap again. A tear trickled down her cheek and she used the blood spotted napkin to wipe it off. Liv glanced at Barba with some concern but his eyes were glued on Amanda so Liv's eyes went back there.

"Tell me what happened Amanda," she said.  
"He pushed me against his desk," Amanda breathed, her voice was low but Liv didn't push her to speak louder, "I tried to wriggle out, ended up on my stomach against his desk. He said _Oh no no no, that's not the way I like it. I want to be able to see you._ And he flipped me over."

"Had he let go off your hair?" Liv asked carefully. Amanda nodded slightly.  
"He covered my mouth with one hand, grabbed one of my wrists with the other."  
"You tried to scream?" Liv took from that.  
"I dunno, I guess yeah cause he hushed me. At first. But I guess I didn't stop cause then he grabbed my head with both hands and banged my head in the desk. Once really hard, then a second time but I couldn't feel it as much. I think I'd closed my eyes, it was black, bright spots flashing and for a while I couldn't really hear what he was saying, it was mostly just like a humming but his mouth was moving when I finally could focus my eyes again."

Amanda swallowed hard before she continued.

"He told me to stop resisting, to not make it harder for myself. He pinned my wrists down, used his body to hold the rest of me down. He smelled of alcohol. I could feel it even more when he tried to kiss me. I didn't try to bite him. I didn't. He got angry again though that I wouldn't lie still. And that's when he said I'd been much more compliant the last time. I think that stunned me a little cause I think I stopped resisting, at least as hard as before. He… snickered. Seemed to enjoy my reaction so he kept talking. Said I'd been so willing, just gone along with everything he wanted. He said being drunk _become_ me, that I should try it more often. He said I'd begged for more and that he'd given it to me. I think I was still stunned cause he'd managed to pin both my wrists down using just one hand and then his… free hand was on my cheek and I started struggling again. He grabbed the side of my head, my hair, and he told me to shut up and… stop being such a baby. This was what I wanted. I should feel humbled he wanted me. And he said no one would believe me, that everyone at the station knew how I'd come on to him ever since we slept together. How I wanted him to leave his wife. He said my sister would go to prison if I told anyone, that he would make sure of it. That's the last thing I heard, maybe he said something else, I dunno."

Liv could see her eyes, they'd been resting on some unidentified spot on the table but now they went vacant. Liv could literally see a veil get pulled in front of them.

"All I felt was his hand working to get my pants down. He managed to cause I don't think I struggled much. He still had my wrists pinned down though. I could feel his desk cover rubbing against my back."

Liv couldn't help but remember running her fingers over what could be that same desk cover Amanda had just mentioned. It had a thicker frame at the top, looked made of wood and the cover itself had looked very rundown, antique in some way. It made Liv's mental image even more vivid and she caught herself shivering.

"He got his pants down next and it was… I didn't think… it… could physically hurt that much. It had never hurt that much before. It went on for a while, I lost feeling after a while. When he was done he just stood up. I fell down on the floor. Between him and the desk. I just sat there, legs pulled up but my pants still down, I dunno what I was doing. Maybe I froze? I couldn't really see anything but I know he was right there, my legs were still touching his, and I heard him zip up. I still can't stand that sound. Then he sat down and he grabbed my head again. He told me to look at him and to really pay attention. He said no one would believe me, that if I told anyone he would turn everyone against me and my sister would be gone for good. I believed him, he made me say I believed him. He told me to get up, to zip up, just mosey my way out of there in a calm and composed manner and everything would be just fine… So that's what I did. Until I got to the door… The… chair, I couldn't move it at first. It was just a chair but it stuck to the floor and I thought he was coming up behind be so I flipped it, got the door unlocked and ran out of there. And that was it… that was it…"

Amanda's breath had picked up as she talked about the chair but it calmed right back down again and she kept mumbling 'that was it' a couple more times. Her eyelashes flickered a few times and then it was like that veil lifted. When she met Liv's eyes though she still looked a little vacant, somewhat drained and Liv didn't blame her if that's how she felt.

"Did someone see you leave?"  
"I don't think so," Amanda said silently.  
"And where did you go?"  
"Home."  
"What did you do when you got home?"

Amanda swallowed, her eyes drifting off again.

"I took a shower. I didn't hesitate, I went straight for the shower. I think I was in there for a long time. I wanted to get to bed after that but I just…"

Liv saw Amanda swallow a few times, smacked her tongue a little.

"I could still feel him, taste him. I washed my mouth out with whiskey. It didn't help so then I drank the bottle of whiskey instead, and then I went to bed."  
"Did you tell anyone what had happened?" Liv asked. Amanda looked at her. Liv couldn't really read her look, was she contemplating how truthful she could be? Amanda then shook her head.  
"I… I took a sick day that following Monday. Sam had tried to call me. Friday night, and Saturday. He called me in to his office Tuesday. He said someone had seen me running out Friday, wanted to know if I was okay."

"Can you remember who that someone was? That had seen you?" Liv asked but Amanda shook her head.  
"Maybe Sam can tell us," Liv said, it would help their case if they had a witness, "What did you tell Sam?"  
"I told him I was fine," Amanda said and gave Liv a crocked smile.  
"And I was… _rather_ fine. I'd already started to tell myself nothing had happened. But he pushed a little, made it seem like that person might have said I didn't look so fine. So I told him… Patton had come on to me, that I had to fend him off. I didn't think he would believe me but he seemed to. He said that yeah Patton had been rather drunk Friday night. They all kinda had been. He asked me again though, if I held something back. And I said no, that was it but I was getting tired of him coming on to me. Sam seemed to… get it. I mean he had to have gotten it, he got me transferred like two months later."

"But you never disclosed it to anyone?" Liv asked and when Amanda shook her head she moved on quickly not wanting to put any blame on her, "Where you injured? Did anyone see your injuries?"  
"I went to my OB-gyn after a couple of days, I wouldn't stop bleeding."  
"So they have records? Did they see any marks, bruises?"

Amanda shrugged.

"She… did ask if something had happened but I just said no, that I might've just had rough sex."  
"But there might be records off it, can we send for them?"

Amanda just nodded a bit detached.

"My sister saw me," she mumbled.  
"What was that?" Liv asked since she wasn't sure she'd heard her properly.  
"My sister saw me the day after," Amanda said speaking up a little, "She was staying at my place, it was a term for her probation, and she walked in to the bathroom. I barely had my towel on and she saw… the state of me."

"What _was_ your state Amanda?" Liv asked. Amanda looked a little reluctant to answer but forced herself.  
"My wrists were bruised. I had a bite-mark on my collarbone, I don't remember when that happened. And one on my breast," she admitted shamefully, "I had bruises on my back. One elbow was scuffed, and my thighs… the inside of my thighs were bruised."  
"And what of this did Kim witness?"  
"My back, I had my back turned to her at first. Then she saw my wrists, the bite-mark on my collarbone. I remember her fingers went over it before I shoved her outside. I heard her through the door, she told me I looked like when Jeff got his hands on her. She laughed. But then she knocked again and I told her to sod off."

"Okay," Liv said, trying a soft smile at Amanda, "How did Patton act around you afterwards?"

Amanda's eyes went up a little towards the ceiling as she took a deep breath and tried to remember back.

"He didn't ignore, I mean it wasn't like the last time. He got right back to his tricks, his… ways. Later that next week he walked in to the squad room and I could see him aim straight for my desk. I puked… I puked in my recycling bin. Patton seemed to find it funny, said I probably had the bug going around and he sent me home."

"Did he… touch you again?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"And you transferred two months later?"  
"I had my interview with Cragen two months later, moved three weeks after that."

"Have you heard from him since? Did he call? E-mail?"  
"No. I've only been back three times, all business. He was around the first time but I just saw him briefly. Second time he stayed away and this third time… I mean he brought us the rape kits. I had to call him once the case was closed, he told me he would be up here for the winter conference. He… said he wanted to have a drink."

"So that's why he tried to call you, for that drink?" Liv asked but Amanda just shrugged.  
"I told him in December that I would probably be busy but he said… he said I should know he doesn't take no for an answer."

"So you didn't pick up when he called?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"Did you read his texts?" Liv asked. Amanda took a little time but then nodded. Liv started to feel as though she had everything they needed for now. She caught Amanda's lower lip start to shiver.

"If I'd picked up… she might not have gotten… he might not have right?" she asked, her voice extremely frail.  
"Amanda, don't…" Liv tried but Amanda's face had crumbled. She was so tired, felt so drained but yet tears started to leak from her eyes. She did her best to stop them from pouring out with the napkin Barba had handed her earlier.

"No, it is my fault. She would've never had to sleep with him in the first place, he's a master manipulator, and she most certainly wouldn't…"  
"Amanda, please don't blame yourself," Liv said as she reached over to turn the recorder off. She'd been so brave during the entire interview and Liv wanted to spare her from getting her tears recorded now.  
"But I am to blame, he would've…" Amanda started but then, out of the blue, Barba cut in.

"Nothing of this is your fault detective Rollins," he said sincerely but yet sternly as he sat up a little. Amanda had turned to him as he spoke, a breath or perhaps a sob getting stuck in her throat and her body shivered slightly as it forced itself out as she listened to him.

"This man is a disgrace to the police department, to the human kind frankly. Nothing of this is your fault. Nothing," he repeated it to make sure she got it, those eyes intensely blue underneath those square sets of eyebrows. Even Liv felt the intensity from across the table. She gave him a slight nod since he seemed to be waiting for one and then he sat back a little on his chair, glancing over towards Liv.

"We got everything right?" Liv asked him and he nodded.  
"It's not too late to add charges?"

Barba shook his head. He knew the answer wasn't that straight forward but he'd work with everything he had towards that.

"Okay, I'll talk to Dodds then," Liv said with a slight sigh, she wasn't really looking forward to either making that call or the reservations she already knew he would have. Liv looked back over on Amanda, her eyes peeked up from underneath that blonde bangs of hers.

"And are you ready to sit in court and repeat all of this?" Liv asked. Amanda looked scared but after a few intense moments she gave Liv a single nod.  
"Can you say it Amanda?" Liv asked, caught the perplexed look on Amanda's face and explained herself further, "What he did to you, can you say that he raped you?"

Liv caught the slight shiver just hearing the word.

"You'll have to be able to say it Amanda," Liv urged.

Barba had heard her say it not just once but twice and his gut flipped just remembering.

"I will," Amanda whispered.  
"Why don't you try saying it out loud right now?" Liv challenged. She knew what a big step that could be but Amanda would have to step up quickly.  
"You mean…" Amanda whispered and Liv nodded.

"He…" Amanda started but got tongue-tied.  
"Try again and start with deputy chief…" Liv urged.

Amanda took a deep breath, swallowed hard and tried again;

"Deputy chief Patton… raped me," Amanda said, "He raped me."

Liv gave her an encouraging look and smile. Amanda looked a little relieved in the middle of the ordeal and the toll it had taken on her.

"And he's going to pay for it," Liv whispered to her.

* * *

"_Remember that all through history, there have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they seem invincible. But in the end, they always fall. Always._" ~ Mahatma Gandhi


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

* * *

_"There comes a time when silence is betrayal." ~ Martin Luther King Jr_

* * *

Once they were done over at the courthouse Amanda didn't object to Liv's suggestion that she should go home for the day. Liv offered to drive her but she had her own car outside, and she said she was fine. Liv said she would drop by later today to fill her in on what Dodds and someone else might've said in regards to the new allegations. Amanda said to just give her a call. Liv nodded, not really sure yet whether or not to she would actually settle with _just_ a phone call. Amanda looked spent and Liv had a slight worry she could be up to no good if left on her own. But as always it was a delicate decision, she knew she had to respect any need Amanda might have for privacy.

Barba followed them down, acting a bit more protective towards Amanda than Liv had ever seen him act around anyone. _She wondered if Barba had acted this way around her as well, during the Lewis case. She'd had been a bit detached during that ordeal so she wasn't sure but she knew how hard it was when tragedy struck someone you cared for, someone you met close to every day. She'd been in this situation plenty of times now but you just never got used to it. You shouldn't get used to it either._

Liv walked Amanda to her car, watched her drive off before she headed over to her own car. A lot of thoughts went round her head as she drove back to the station. _Would they be able to convict Patton with what they had? Would Reese and Amanda's testimony hold up in court? Reese seemed very fragile already and Amanda certainly didn't seem as resilient as usual? Protection. _Liv realized she had to keep Amanda safe. _Patton had already tried to intimidate her once, what would he do after he learns she's now accusing him of rape? _She got her phone up to get a car to sit on Amanda. She felt a little calmer once that was done and she sent Amanda a text to let her know. _Maybe that would get her to sit tight tonight as well?_

Her thoughts started running again once she was off the phone. _What defense would Patton put up? Surely he would fight dirty. She couldn't help but wonder a little about Amanda's past. She didn't seem to have the best relationship with her mom and she was pretty sure her father was deceased. She had no idea how or of what though. She really should have made a better effort to get to know her youngest detective but she hoped there was still time for that. Patton would probably bring up her gambling addiction. Would he call that two-timing sponsor of hers as well? Who would testify for Amanda's character? Would Sam back Patton up or would he step up and back Amanda? It was career suicide whether Patton would be convicted or not but Liv hoped he was still man enough. She would certainly stand up for Amanda if she was asked to. What would she say though? She'd called her untrustworthy. To her face. _Liv felt a little sick to her stomach again._ She shouldn't have said that. Surely Amanda had earned a reprimand but she could've handled it better._ Images of Amanda's bruised face and glossy eyes passed through her mind. _She'd looked so small back then. Fragile even though she tried to not let that show. Just like now. This was her time to step up as Amanda's supervisor. This situation was even worse but she would handle it better than the last time. They would get passed this too. But what would she tell the squad?_

Walking in to the station she had still not come to grips what to tell the guys. Fin had seen her rush out earlier. He'd called out after her, asked what was wrong but Liv had shot him a line that nothing was wrong. By the look in his eyes as she walked back in though she could tell he hadn't bought it.

"I'm going to need a few minutes okay?" she said before he had a chance to say anything. She had to call Dodds but it was also an excuse to buy her some time. Not that calling Dodds would be much easier than to face her squad but she needed a few minutes behind a closed door right now. She hung her jacket and then sat down behind her desk but she didn't lean in over it as she usually did. Instead she got stuck watching it for a while.

_She would never get her head around how anyone could violate another human being. She got urges, she understood needs but at the expense of someone else? Never. And how a superior officer could use, no abuse, his power that way? Devil._ She put her palm down against her desk, let it stroke the desk cover a little back and forth. _She usually valued her ability to feel and connect to victims but right now she wished she could get the images that flashed through her mind out of her head, out of her heart._ _She saw Patton, she saw Amanda, a bigger desk than this, in a much darker room and that unforgivable breach of conduct. It hurt everywhere to think about and she had to try and push the images out_. She took a few deep breaths and then reached for her phone.

**Fin had kept his eyes** on her as she walked in to her office. She'd rushed out of there earlier looking like something was on fire but she'd come back looking like something the cat dragged in. Something was up and he knew it had something to do with his partner. He'd tried texting her but hadn't heard back. Right now he had a really hard time keeping his impatience tucked inside that cool exterior of his. Liv was just sitting at her desk, staring vacantly in front of her. _Why did she need a few minutes for that? What was making her this crushed?_

"Liv's back?" Nick's voice interrupted his thoughts but his eyes remained at her as he hummed an answer.  
"Did she tell you what happened?" Nick asked and came up to his desk.

Carisi remained a couple of steps behind him, they'd just came back from lunch. Fin had skipped tagging along for some to Carisi unknown reason, he'd never experienced Fin ever saying no to food before so something was obviously up. Nick had seemed strange during lunch as well. The entire squad was on edge right now but Carisi could understand that, it was always trying when scandals like this hit the police department.

All three of them saw Liv reach for her phone.

"Who is she calling?" Nick asked out loud.  
"Do I look like a mind reader? A fucking prophet?" Fin snapped and pushed himself out from his desk.

He didn't look at Nick, who just remained completely still as Fin walked around him and over towards the coffee machine.

"Wow," Carisi said once Nick finally dared to turn around. Carisi kept his voice low even though Fin was already across the room.  
"What the hell is going on," Carisi said as Nick walked over to his desk to have a seat. Carisi threw a few anxious but also amused looks Fin's way to make sure he was still out of hearing range.

"Just plant yourself at your desk Carisi," Nick muttered as he turned his computer on.

He felt a little humiliated and didn't need Carisi to add to that. Carisi looked as he had more to say though but then finally seemed to make a wise decision to just sit down. Nick kept glancing over at the office. Liv was still on the phone. He couldn't really tell what type of call it was. She used her hand in the air a little but not as much as when she was angry. She put her hand on her forehead, rubbing it a little which told him it was a strenuous call. He saw Fin come walking back and he kept his eyes on the screen in front of him for a while. Through the corner of his eye though he caught Fin stopping by his desk.

"I'm sorry," he said somewhat subdued. Nick looked up, a little stunned by the apology.  
"Don't worry about it," he said as quickly as he composed himself.

Fin gave him a nod and then went to sit down by his desk again. Fin hadn't brought anything back to the desk, he'd just used getting a coffee as an excuse to get up for a while but when he got there he realized he wasn't in the mood for anything else than to learn what the hell was going on with his partner. And he realized taking it out on Nick wasn't the right way to come about that.

They had to wait another few minutes but then finally Liv popped her head out of her office.

"Can I see the three of you in my office?" she asked, voice soft but still grave. Both Nick and Carisi got to their feet quickly but then seemed to wait for Fin to get up and walk in first. He moved unusually slow, Liv waited by the door for a while but then turned back inside as meeting Fin's eyes got too much for her and she sensed she would lose her composer if she didn't break the stare. She walked up to her desk, but instead of getting behind it she walked in front of it and leaned back down on it. Fin had entered meanwhile and walked further in. Nick was a couple of steps behind him. Carisi lingered by the door, shooting Liv a look to see if she wanted him to close it or not. She gave him the nod to close it so he did and then took a few steps further in.

"Okay so I need to tell you something," Liv started taking a deep breath as she spoke. Her eyes moved mostly between Nick and Fin. Her demeanor and face told them whatever it was wasn't going to sit well with them. Fin suddenly felt a little lightheaded as a terrible thought crossed his mind.

"Tell me she hasn't done anything stupid," he asked out loud. Both Nick and Carisi glanced his way, needing a few beats before the coin dropped what he was really asking.  
"_She_ has most definitely not done anything stupid," Liv reassured him quickly. He thought he would feel better about knowing she was still at least alive but he didn't. He had a hunch what Liv was going to say but he didn't dare to fully grasp it.

"But someone else have," Liv said taking another deep breath. She nodded at the look Fin gave her and she really had to steel herself to not start crying.  
"Barba called me down to the courthouse," she explained, "As he was taking Amanda's deposition she revealed something and for the last… hours, I've been taking her full statement. There's no easy way to say this…"

Her eyes went passed them all before she continued.

"We're adding charges to Patton's case. Amanda was exposed to severe sexual harassment by Patton. And he… raped her."

Fin had turned away slightly as she spoke and now Nick slumped down in to the nearest chair pale as a ghost. Liv's eyes darted between the two as she tried to come up with something else to say to ease the shock but she just couldn't find any words that would make the situation less severe. Fin took a step towards the door.

"Fin," Liv said and rose up from the desk.  
"I need a minute," he said cutting her off before she said anything else. She watched him walk over to the door, struggling a little to get it open and then slamming it shut, the blinds rustling. It was times like these she really wished she wasn't the boss. Missed the time when she could just go after someone in obvious need of comfort. Now she had to stay and take care of the bigger picture.

"Wait," Carisi said once the blinds stopped rustling, "When this all this happen? Are we talking back in Atlanta?"

Liv gave him a positive response by nodding.

"And she only reported this now? What three years later? Why did she only report this now if she was raped?"  
"Carisi," Liv scolded, "You know better than that. And you don't have the whole picture."  
"Copy sergeant," Carisi said quickly realizing he'd been out of line. Liv kept her glare at him for a few more seconds before her eyes eased as she turned towards Nick.

"You okay Nick?" she asked. His mouth was covered by his hand. He was still pale and his breath shallow. His nod wasn't that convincing as well as the fact he couldn't face her.  
"What can we do?" he still managed to ask though. Liv nodded a little to herself as she leaned back against her desk again.  
"I just talked to Dodds, he and Barba is taking care of the official bit. We need to do what we can to keep her safe from Patton. I got people sitting on her so there's not an immediate threat. If he decides to not take a deal, which I think it's safe to say he probably won't, we need to help her prove her case cause he will try and discredit her."

Nick had finally been able to sit up a little and he met Liv's eyes, gave her a nod to let her know he was onboard.

"Apparently Kim saw some of the injuries she sustained the second time," Liv didn't get further as Nick interrupted her.  
"Second time?" he whispered. Liv looked a little sad as she gave him a nod.  
"Fuck," Nick mumbled as he looked away again.

"I'm going to talk to Tucker," she said to not get stuck, "see where her case is at with the shooting and fraud charges. If it's possible to bring her in to witness without getting arrested. I know she's been staying of the radar but I was thinking maybe we can talk to that Earl Tally guy, see if he has any idea where she's at. It would be good to at least talk to her, see what she remembers. Can you get on that you think?"

The question was aimed at Nick and he nodded.

"I need to talk to captain Reynolds again. Now that I know the whole story maybe he'll be able to tell me something he's kept secret to try and protect her. She's going to need character witnesses as well, I'm hoping he'll step up."  
"Good luck with that," Carisi muttered just as Fin walked back in. Liv immediately looked at him.

"What can I do to help?" he asked and Liv gave him a faint smile.

**They manage to push** through a full shift despite the devastating news, or perhaps because of it. Patton's case got all more personal and they all wanted justice for Amanda. Tucker of course played hard ball when Liv called him up but she got in touch with IAB detective Jonathan Sawyer that she'd worked well with down in Atlanta and he promised to try and help out.

Nick and Carisi paid Earl Tally a visit, he hadn't seen Kim since she left New York years ago but he had heard her name mentioned through friends and with just a little rough persuasion he gave them those names. Carisi did his best to engage Nick in conversation on both the ride over there and back to the station. He was dying to discuss everything they'd learnt today but Nick kept quiet, seemed mostly lost in thought.

Back at the station Liv put in a video conference call to captain Sam Reynolds, she wanted to be able to see him in the eyes as she talked to him. They quickly got over the pleasantries. Their relationship was easiest described as _reserved_, captain Reynolds wouldn't be the first person she'd saved from a sinking ship but right now she needed him. Amanda needed him. So she did her best to put aside any resentment she felt towards him.

"You have to excuse me captain Reynolds if I get straight to the point, you see I've spent most of today listening to Amanda Rollins' full recount of her ordeal with deputy chief Patton down in Atlanta. And I'm tired. Tired and quite honestly pissed."

She watched Sam on her screen trying to keep his composure but she saw the slight cracks in his demeanor. She knew she had his full attention.

"We're adding charges," she said, "We're adding sexual harassment and rape of detective Amanda Rollins."  
"Rape?" Sam said sitting up, coming closer to the screen.  
"Are you telling me that you really had no idea that not only one but two of your subordinates and proclaimed _friends_ were raped under your command without your knowledge?"

Sam's eyes diverted downwards for a while, his hand came up to his forehead. Liv felt a little bad, he did look shaken.

"She was really…" he said once his eyes finally came back up to the screen.  
"Raped yes," Liv said, she didn't have a hard time saying it any longer, "Patton raped Amanda. Not once but twice. The first time in her home, using Ketamine to sedate her. The second time in his office, no Ketamine."  
"In his office? Ketamine? _And_ in her home?" Sam repeated stunned and his eyes turned down for a while.

Liv didn't have time to regard his feelings though and gave him the date of the first assault.

"What do you remember of that night?"  
"It was so long ago," Sam whispered, still stunned.

"Amanda's sister, Kim, had gotten herself in serious trouble. She was facing felony charges. And you had closed a case and were going to celebrate. You went to a bar, your usual hangout but before that you were in your recreational room upstairs. And before that Patton had called Amanda in to her office, tried to convince her to sleep with him to get Kim off her charges."

"He tried what?"  
"That was his usual MO. It wasn't the first time she had to suffer through getting fondled, groped, by him. It was what he expected in return to put in a good word for Kim. This time though it wasn't enough. He wanted more, he got even more offensive but she couldn't let him. So she ran out of his office."  
"Son of a bitch…" Sam mumbled.

"She got really drunk that night, I need you to tell me what you remember of that night Sam," Liv pushed.  
"Okay, okay," Sam said stroking his head a few times, "I think I remember. She acted strange after that night, and Patton spread rumors. I should've known something was…"  
"Sam," Liv said demanding, she needed him to focus.

"Okay yeah, I could tell she was upset. I didn't know that she'd been in Patton's office though but I of course knew about her sister. Everyone did. They knew to stay away, to not ask about it. She did have a lot to drink. She was more… _open_ than usual."  
"Open?" Liv questioned.  
"She was usually on guard, like it was a constant mode of hers. I mean around those blokes she had to be alert, a hen in a cock farm like that…" Sam pondered.

Liv cringed, that was not a working environment anyone should have to be in.

"But that night she let loose, she did drink a lot. It seemed to be… beneficial though. I mean she seemed to be able to leave all the trouble with her sister off her mind for a while. I was actually pleased for her, I mean Kim always managed to bring her down but that night she was loudmouth, and if I don't remember wrongly she was up at the bar later that night, dancing," Sam chuckled slightly at the memory but then quickly settled back down as reality sneaked back in.

"And Patton? How was he acting? Did you see them together at any point?"  
"Patton…" Sam mumbled as he tried to think back, "Well I know he was around but I guess he was a bit out of character as well cause he usually stole the scene. I mean he was the loudmouthed one, he demanded presence but that night… not so much really. And no, I didn't see them together but he did say something…"  
"What?" Liv inquired curiously.  
"Well this might sound crass but it was just the way… we… always spoke I guess but this was particularly… _crude_," Sam said a little cautiously.

"Your deputy chief raped his subordinates, I don't think whatever you have to tell me will shock me more than that or do you captain?" Liv said a little cocky. Sam took a deep breath on the other side of the screen.  
"He said; _that hussy is just asking to get rammed tonight_," Sam sounded a bit embarrassed and seemed to feel a need to explain the behavior he'd come accustom to, "It was not the first time I've heard him say something… demeaning but this was less subtle, less indirect than usual. He just sounded more deadpan and not so mocking. That's why I remember it so much clearly than all those other times."

Liv had been wrong, it did shock her to hear.

"And when did you last see both of them?" she asked to not get stuck on the obscenity. Sam seemed to need to think about it.  
"I saw Patton at the bar, I can't remember exactly what time it was but he was standing alone that's why I noticed, he was usually not by himself. He was having a beer, staring at something across the bar but I had people in the way so I couldn't see what he was staring at. But that was the last I saw of him."

"And Amanda?"  
"I'd seen her a little earlier playing pool with some guys, she wasn't winning, I mean she was a little unsteady with the stick but she seemed in good spirit. I asked someone a little later if they'd seen her around cause I hadn't for a while, someone said they'd last seen her heading towards the bathrooms. I had a look in there cause he said that she'd looked rather plastered. I tried calling her but she didn't pick up so I just figured she'd gone home to sleep it off. Damn I should've kept a better eye on her," Sam moaned. Liv bit her tongue to not agree with him.

"And when you did see her next, how was she?"  
"She seemed embarrassed, regretful of the other night," Sam said shrugging a little.  
"And she asked you what had happened?"  
"Yeah she did," Sam said a little stunned, maybe by the fact Liv knew or the fact it dawned on him now that she'd been drugged that night.

"And what rumors did Patton spread after that night?"  
"Well he called her behavior slutty, desperate, shameful. He said… he'd seen her leave with someone. He wouldn't name names though he said as he laughed. Someone suggested it was with Patton and he really didn't deny it but didn't acknowledge it either. I guess I…"  
"You were jealous," Liv suggested.  
"Yeah I guess I was," Sam admitted with a sigh.

"So you never followed up on it? Never asked Amanda what happened?"  
"To my defense though she seemed like she rather not talk about it…" Sam tried.  
"Yeah that's a great defense," Liv scorned, "And how did Patton treat her? How was he around her?"

Sam did his best to bite down the humiliation.

"I guess… well he talked behind her back but he was actually pretty standoffish. Like I don't think I saw him anywhere near her for a rather long time."

Liv nodded, it collaborated Amanda's story which was good. Liv moved on to the second date.

"You mean that's when it happened? But I asked her about it, she said nothing of that sort," Sam said.  
"Do you blame her?" Liv asked.  
"Of course not," Sam said a little offended, "But she could've, I would've helped her. I _did_ help her."

Liv felt like saying that the help came a little too late but she kept it in her head.

"Do you remember anything from that night? There supposedly was a stripper present," Liv said and tried to not sound too condescending.  
"Yeah I remember that night. My wife had made the cake."  
"How appropriate," Liv couldn't help but say.

Sam gave her a disgruntled look but realized quickly she had every right to sound disappointed. He was not proud of himself or his PD right now.

"What do you want to know?" he asked.  
"Anything you have on Patton's behavior that night, Amanda's."  
"Well Patton must've been pretty low key cause I can't really remember him. Whenever we had a stripper around he was usually at the forefront but not that night. It was rather rowdy all around that night though."  
"And Amanda?"  
"Well I remember she'd pretty much given up drinking at that time. I remember asking her about it but she just said she was cutting back, too many calories," Sam said with a shrug.

"Did you see them together that night?"  
"Well Patton usually got on her tail but I don't think he did that night."  
"And did you notice when they disappeared?" Liv asked. Sam shook his head.  
"You mean it actually happened in his office while we were down there?" Sam asked still in disbelief he could've missed it. Liv gave him a nod.  
"God damn," Sam mumbled closing his fist on the desk right in front of the camera.

She gave him a few seconds to collect himself.

"Do you remember a shortage of cups, I mean did you notice at any time that you were running low on them?"  
"Cups? No," Sam said shaking his head, "There was no shortage of cups far as I know."  
"I'm asking because someone sent Amanda up to fetch some from the old recreation room, that's how Patton cornered her. Could you ask around? Discreetly? See if anyone else went up after them or if Patton brought them down with him?"  
"Sure, I'll try," Sam said.

"But someone saw her leave right? Could tell something was wrong and that's why you called her in to your office?"  
"Yeah, detective Tim Fellner."  
"What did he see?"  
"Well he came by my house the day after, I mean sometimes they did but Tim…"

Sam was interrupted by what sounded like a knock on the door. Someone opened a door but Sam quickly held up his hand and told whoever it was that he had to come back later. The person seemed to push but then Sam roared slightly, said he was on a conference call and for the person to get out.

"Sorry about that," Sam said once he'd made sure the door was closed and he looked back at the camera.  
"What about Tim?" she just asked, eager to find out what he'd seen.  
"Well he was heading out but had to get something off his desk and he bumped in to her on the stairs as she came running down. She'd looked… _ruffled_ if I recall the word he used. He grabbed her arm and she'd almost pushed him down the stairs, like defensively. He'd called her out on it and she'd said she was sorry and then just run passed him. He felt something was wrong but still went upstairs. As he was on his way out again he caught Patton walking downstairs. He'd been humming, seemed to be in a good mood. Fellner didn't want to make assumptions just wanted to let me know what he'd seen."

"Would he take the stand against Patton?" Liv asked but saw the hesitation on Sam's face.  
"Would he lie to protect Patton if we summoned him?" she asked instead.  
"I honestly don't know," Sam admitted.  
"Could you talk to him or is it better if we do it?"  
"I can ask him," Sam said.

"Will you take the stand for her?" Liv decided to just go ahead and ask the pivotal question. Sam hesitated again.  
"I don't know what good I could do…" he said hesitantly.  
"The rumors Patton spread, after the conference in Houston and after the first rape. That would be useful. And if Fellner won't man up, your testimony about what he told you would be helpful," Liv tried to pull at his manhood, if he had any.

"Won't that be hearsay?" Sam tried.  
"C'mon Sam, she's going to need character witnesses. I've seen the references you gave her before her transfer. Our AD will call you just for that, are you going to say you lied?"  
"Don't forget I know some not so good stuff about her as well…" Sam said but he didn't really sell the threat wholeheartedly.  
"Sam…" Liv said as calmly as possible, "What he did to her, to Amanda. And to Angela. And now Reese. You think it's going to stop there? He's gotten away with this for years. With or without your help we're putting a stop to it but I think Amanda would appreciate you being in her corner for once. Don't you think it's about time you stepped up for her?"

Sam had turned his head slightly away but when she quiet down he finally faced her again. She had to wait a while longer but then he finally nodded.

"I'll take the stand for her," he said.

**When they'd signed off** Liv called Fin in to tell him the good news. It wasn't enough to put a smile on his face though.

"Can I head out?" he asked, "I need to see her."  
"Are you sure? She said she wanted to be left alone," Liv said.

She was indecisive herself, she really wanted to see Amanda as well but she was a little afraid of overstepping.

"I need to make sure she's doing okay," Fin answered. Liv gave him a nod. She trusted him to know what was best when it came to his partner, he probably knew her better than anyone in NY.

"Will you fill her in on the slight progress?" Liv asked and it was Fin's turn to nod, "And Dodds wants to see her tomorrow, tell her to not worry though, I'll be there as well, and Barba. I'll give her a call later."

Fin just gave her another nod and headed out.

**Nick and Carisi came** back to the station a little later. They did a short briefing and then Liv told them to pack it up for today. She told them to get a good night sleep and then be ready for what would surely be an ugly trial within the next couple of days. Carisi headed out immediately but Nick lingered by his desk and then ended up looking up the names Earl Tally had given them.

Liv put in a call to Angela Morris meanwhile, one of Patton's earlier victims. She still seemed reluctant to take the stand but Liv felt just a slight shift as she let Angela know they now had two rape victims that had come forward. Liv tried to use the 'strength in numbers' sale pitch but moved on to talking about Angela's son and his health as Liv could tell she'd done enough pushing for today. The son was doing fine for the time being, still on the transplant list. Liv talked a little about Noah and his health issues as well. It felt good to have someone to discuss her worries with but never did she lose sight of the goal; to get Angela to testify as well.

**While Nick and Liv kept** working at the station Fin had driven himself over to Amanda's place. He stopped by a grocery store and picked up a six pack of beers, milk, some snacks and stopped by the meat counter to ask for a marrow bone for Frannie. He made another stop at her local Thai restaurant and bought food for them. If she'd already eaten she could just save it for tomorrow but he was pretty sure she was still unfed. When she got anxious she forgot to eat, he knew that by now.

He knocked on her door. First softly but when he heard nothing a little harder. He figured she could be out walking Frannie but something told him she might also be hiding out inside. He tried again and then a fourth time. He started to worry she really wasn't in there, that she'd gone somewhere to gamble just to get her head on other things than what was going on right now. He knew which neighbor she used to leave Frannie with and he decided to go downstairs and see if she'd left Frannie there. Just as he was about to walk away a muted bark was heard from inside the door.

Amanda had been in a fetal position on her couch with Frannie by her side as Fin first knocked on the door. She'd grabbed a hold of Frannie's bandana quickly as she tried to get up and then both of them had tiptoed over to the door. After the second knock she'd peeked through the peephole only to see her partner on the other side. She felt conflicted, part of her wanted him in there, she really didn't feel like being alone right now, her head was driving her nuts. But on the other hand she was scared to let him in.

_Would he be angry with her? Would he scold her for not telling him what had really happened? And how much did he know? Had Liv let him listen to the tape? She wasn't sure he wanted him to know everything just yet. But Liv had promised no one would hear it if she didn't allow it. Would Liv lie to her?_

She jumped slightly as the third knock startled her. She could sense Frannie's tension and gestured at her to hush and then to sit down. Frannie sat down watching her owner curiously as she placed her back against the door. The fourth set of knocks made her entire body shake with the door. _She couldn't let him in. She couldn't face him._

The door settled down the moment the knocks stopped but she still held her breath. She tried to listen for his steps walking away and just as she felt a slight relief as she thought she heard him leave… *woof*

_Damn_. She gave Frannie a frighten look. _Why did you do that?_ she asked telepathically and Frannie bowed her head down like she heard her. Amanda knew though, it was for her own good. Frannie probably sensed she shouldn't be alone right now. _Poor dog_.

"Amanda?" Fin's soft voice from the other side of the door. She still had her back to the door, trying to hold her breath but a low shiver came up her throat.  
"Amanda, please let me in," his voice a little more demanding this time but still far from harsh.

_She wished desperately that she could just leave him out there, that she could try and pretend that today never happened. That Patton never happened. _

"Please," he pleaded and her heart was quickly melting. _She couldn't do that to him_.

"**Please," Fin whispered**, the hand holding the bag with the marrow bone pressed up against the door. _He hated the barrier between them. If it was the door, or Patton, or whatever. He hated it with everything he had right now. He just had to see her. Make sure she was okay and not doing anything stupid to herself. _

His heart skipped a beat and he took a step back as he heard the chain rattle on the inside. _She was home, she was letting him in_. He tried to breathe calmly, had to act as his usual calm and collected self. _Don't treat her any differently_.

He saw her blonde hair flicker by the tiny creek and then he saw her shape as she opened the door up further. It was dark inside and the light from hallway didn't really reach her so her face hid in shadows.

"Hi," he said, voice more steady than he felt.  
"Hi," she whispered back. Even though he barely saw her he felt her tension.  
"I got food, drink," he said holding up one hand, "and even a bone for Frannie. Can I come in?"

He thought he saw a tiny smile on her face but he wasn't sure. She moved back behind the door though as she opened it up further and he wasted no time stepping inside.

"Hi girl," he greeted Frannie as she pawed her way over to him but he could quickly see her attention went to one of the bags in his hands. He kicked off his shoes as Amanda closed the door behind them, drowning them in darkness. He knew where to hang his jacket though. He heard her put the chain back on, something she'd never done when he was there but he didn't question it today.

He went ahead in to the kitchen. He put the bags up on the counter, he'd heard Frannie follow but he wasn't sure if Amanda had. He caught her out of the corner of his eye as he started unloading the bags. She was hiding slightly behind the door frame. She wasn't acting like she usually did, it scared him a little but he tried to go on like this was any other night they would just hang out together.

"Her bone's in the plastic bag, dunno if you want her to eat it now or not," he said gesturing to the counter as he went over to the fridge to put the milk away. His plan had been to lure her to get moving and it seemed to work as she padded softly in to the kitchen. He got the rest of the groceries up as she worked to get the somewhat sticky bone out of the plastic bag. She was busy with her task so he got a chance to have a look at her, watched her almost as intensely as Frannie was right now.

She looked a little pale but her eyes didn't look red or puffy. He'd rarely seen her cry so he wasn't sure what she looked like after crying but she looked collected right now. Most of her hair had escaped a messy bun that now only held a few strands of hair pulled to one side. It told him she'd probably been lying down, tossing and turning a bit.

She was dressed in an oversized green sweater that went down over her thighs, underneath she had white dotted black leggings and on her feet thick colorful socks. He'd seen her in something similar before but tonight the outfit made her seem so very young. _It bothered him that someone had taken advantage of her. He didn't know much detail yet, he couldn't take more than knowing she'd been raped. That was bad enough, details would make the image so much clearer and he just couldn't take that right now. He'd listen if she wanted to talk but it was okay for him if she didn't want to talk tonight. Letting him just be there would be enough for him._

Frannie's whimpering pulled him out of his thoughts. Fin looked down and caught her scratching at Amanda's leg.

"Someone thinks you're slacking," he pointed out.  
"Help," she said smiling and held out the bone tangled in the plastic. He chuckled and took it from her. It was really stuck. Frannie started scratching his leg, looking like she was ready to jump up at him as her whines became high pitched. Fin finally just ripped the bone out and smiled as he heard Amanda giggle.

"Can I?" he asked once the bone was free.  
"Sit," she told Frannie who immediately obeyed and then she gave Fin a nod.

She took it gently from Fin but then hurried out of there with her prey. They both let out a slight chuckle as they watched her hustle out. Amanda reached for a towel and handed it to Fin so he could wipe his hands. He looked at her as he used the towel. She got a little awkward under his watchful eyes and started picking a little at what was left of the plastic bag lying on the counter. Her eyes went passed his every now and then and a crocked smile flashed over her face each time but disappeared just as quickly. He put the towel down on the counter but kept looking at her and she started squirming even more. _He knew he should say something but he wasn't sure what that something was and he hated that he made her feel so uncomfortable. They'd never been uncomfortable with each other and damn Patton for causing friction. _

He hoped he wasn't presumptuous as he grabbed her and pulled her to him. For a few seconds he felt a slight panic as he could feel how rigid she was. _What if this was the opposite of what he was supposed to do in this situation?_ But then he felt the tension in her body lessen some and he dared to move his arms further around her. One palm landed flat on her back, rubbing soothing up and down slightly. The other hand went up in to her hair so he could force her head to come down further against his chest.

Her breath was shallow and rapid at first but as she started to relax more it became deeper and calmer. He felt her hands come up on his chest on either side of her own body and he felt delighted as she grabbed fistfuls of his shirt. He put his cheek against the top of her head, closed his eyes and just listened, and felt, her breath for a while.

"We'll get through this," he said quietly, "We'll make him pay for what he did and then we'll come out even better and even stronger on the other side. Trust me Amanda, we will get through this."

He felt her breath stalk up a little and he held her closer for a while as shivers rippled through her small frame.

Amanda was touched by his words and she wanted to believe him. When she first got home earlier she doubted things could ever go back to normal. She doubted her own ability to be able to continue being a detective, to even function properly now that everyone would know. _She'd been scared. Where would she go if she couldn't stay in New York? She could never go back to Atlanta. Where would she go?_

As she took Frannie for a walk the fear followed her. Every shadow in the corner of her eye made her jump, the cold wind dragging leaves and trash along sounded eerie to her. The cop car trailing her did nothing to make her feel better, it just made her feel watched and every other shape coming towards her was threatening until they had long passed her. _Was she supposed to live like this now? Scared of her own shadow? _

Having Fin there, once she realized he wasn't angry at her, made her feel a little better. She couldn't stand her own company right now, maybe having him there would make her feel a little better? But as he just kept watching her she feared what he was thinking of her, if he would say anything. His arms, his proximity scared her at first but then she realized how safe he always managed to make her feel. She didn't have to fear him. His hand going over her neck sent a ghastly flashback through her brain but it vanished the moment she opened her eyes back up. _This was her kitchen. This was Fin holding on to her. This was okay._

She managed to relax again and it felt so good being able to grab a hold to him. Her strong, dependable partner. His words moved her. _We will get through this_. She wanted to believe that but the doubt inside her hurt and for a few seconds she was worried she was going to lose it as a few tears leaked from her eyes, stinging her sensitive skin. His arm wrapping harder around her, his hand pressing the side of her face harder against his chest so she could hear his heartbeats right by her ear helped though. It had a calming effect on her and she took a few deep breaths to calm herself. _She could not break now. If she broke now she would never get through this._ His presence, his embrace, helped but she could feel that her skin would start crawling soon and she let go of the grip at his shirt. Thankfully that was all she needed to do. She felt his lips brush up against the top of her head as his grip around her eased and then he let her go. He turned his side to her once he'd let her go, gave her a chance to wipe her face without having him stare at her.

"So you want beef or chicken?" he asked keeping his eyes on the food.  
"Beef," her frail voice returned.  
"How did I know you would say that," he smiled and pushed the container closer to her.  
"Can we eat in front of the TV?" he asked as he grabbed the container with chicken and the one that held the noodles. He saw her nod.  
"You want a cold soda or lukewarm beer?"  
"Soda," she whispered.

She'd picked up her container and he handed her the utensils and napkins so he could carry the drinks for them. She went ahead in to the living room. Put the stuff down on the table so she could clear the couch from what she'd used to hibernate there earlier. He soon walked in after her, throwing a look at Frannie who was gnawing away at her bone over in the corner. Amanda was flipping through channels and he took her container as she did that, pouring some noodles in to it. He stuck a fork in her container and then opened up both soda cans. He put some noodles in his own container and then sat back on the couch.

She seemed to have found something they could both watch and followed him back on the couch with her own container. Fin was as usual hungry and dug through his container while Amanda seemed to more nitpick through hers. He was aware of it but they had time and as long as she didn't stop all together he wouldn't say anything.

She'd settled on a documentary on the nature channel, it was neither a tear jerker nor any blood and gore animal attacks so they just watched under silence. When he was done with his container he put it down on the table and brought his soda back with him instead. Over in the corner Frannie made a smacking sound that made them both look over. She gave them one of her what-you-looking-at-looks right back and then let out what sounded like a burp which made them both chuckle. Amanda slid down a little further, rested her head against the back near his head as she held the container close to her chest for a while.

"Thanks Fin," she whispered.  
"Of course," he answered calmly, "any time partner."


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you so much to those of you that reviewed these last two chapters, it means a lot! XO**  
**Okay so I couldn't really leave Amanda &amp; Fin there it seems, spilled over in to this chapter (I just love writing them so much) Rollaro fans have to be patient a while longer ;)**  
**There's a bit of trigger warning in this chapter since its revealed what happened in the alley when Patton's thugs attacked her. Be kind to yourself as you should always be :)**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

* * *

"_Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow_." – Mary Anne Radmacher

* * *

Fin ended up staying the night. Amanda fell asleep on the couch next to him only to wake up with a gasp and a jolt a few hours later. The sudden motion made Fin jump as well and he could tell she was worked up whatever it was that had woken her up that abruptly. She didn't want to tell him what was going on so he suggested taking Frannie for a walk instead. Amanda willingly accepted and Frannie left her bone behind after a bit of coaxing.

Fin crossed the street and told the officers sitting outside they could take a break, maybe even get some food and he promised to give them a call as they headed back. They took a long walk, Fin wasn't one for walking much but right now he would follow her anywhere just to keep her safe. They talked a little during the walk, not about what was going on currently but hopes for the upcoming baseball season, Fin's latest high score on GTA and the fact Carisi's pornstache now seemed to have jumped to another squad room detective's upper lip. Fin enjoyed seeing and hearing Amanda laugh. He wouldn't get to experience that for a while, had he known he might've soaked it up even more.

She tried to tell him he could leave when they came back to the apartment but he could see she was anxious and he really didn't want to leave her. She didn't put up much of a fight when he said he would stay put so he figured part of her didn't mind him sticking around. She became restless though, couldn't really sit still on the couch to watch more TV. He wasn't sure if it was the prospect of having to go to sleep soon, maybe she had nightmares, or maybe it was the call she'd received from Liv during their walk letting her know she would have to sit down with Dodds tomorrow and go over her statement one more time.

She excused herself after a while and he soon heard the shower get turned on. He could tell her tension spread to her canine and he called Frannie up on the couch so he could at least try and calm her a little. She came out in a new loose outfit carrying sheets and a pillow. She offered him the bed but he wouldn't hear of it. She asked him if he needed anything like a toothbrush or a towel, he could just grab anyone in the bathroom though. He said he would be fine.

She said she would head to bed. Since you could only reach her bathroom through the bedroom she said she would leave the door open but he said he would just use the can now so she could close it. Once he was done she was tucked down in her bed with Frannie on top of the cover right next to her.

"Night girls," he smiled.  
"Night Fin," she smiled back.  
"Just wake me if you need anything," he said as he reached for the door.  
"I'll be fine," she hurried to say.  
"I know but if you feel like company you know I'm up for it. Night," he said and closed the door behind him.

He put the sheet on the couch and lay down. He ended up watching some reruns of Seinfeld but fell asleep almost immediately. He woke up a little later from Amanda tiptoeing back to her bedroom.

"You okay?" he mumbled rubbing his face a little.  
"Just got some water," she said holding up the glass she was carrying.

Had he not been so sleepy he might have picked up on the fact she was wide awake and dressed in a third outfit for the night but now he bought what she was saying without any doubt and fell right back asleep.

A while later he woke up from something cold poking at his arm. As he was finally able to pop his eyes open he spotted Frannie resting her head against his arm. He rubbed her head a little as he yawned and looked around to see if Amanda was around too. The door to Amanda's room was open just enough for a canine to sneak through and the light seemed on inside.

"What's wrong girl? Time to get up?" he asked with a hoarse voice as he tried to look around to find out what time it was. He finally just reached out to grab his phone of the table. 3:17.  
"What the…" he mumbled and fell back on the couch with a heavy sigh.

It made Frannie start to whimper though. When he tried to pet her she took a few steps backwards and when he still didn't move she took a spin only to come back staring straight at him.

"What?" he asked. She took a few steps towards the bedroom and almost seemed to gesture with her head as to get him to come with her.  
"Are you Lassie reborn?" he asked as he got his feet down on the floor. It seemed to please Frannie as her tail started wagging and she moved closer to the bedroom door while still keeping her eyes on him.

"Is she awake?" he asked even though he knew he couldn't get an answer. He felt nervous walking in to her bedroom, he wasn't sure he was allowed to enter or if he should at this time. Frannie helped him open the door wider though and he quickly established she wasn't in or anywhere near her bed. Instead a large pile of clothes were stacked on her bed.

He said her name quietly as he took a step inside. He couldn't see her anywhere but the room looked nothing like when he'd passed through it earlier. Her wardrobe was opened and it looked as she'd pulled every item out and piled them either on the bed or put them in stacks on the floor. The drawers in her dresser were open too but he couldn't see if she'd emptied it as well. On the other side of the bed, where he was at, she'd stacked books that he hadn't seen before. He rubbed his head a little and pulled a deep breath. He heard something from the bathroom and guessed that's where she was at. Since the door was open he dared to peek inside and he found her on her knees, scrubbing away at the floor next to the toilet.

He cleared his throat a little to try and make his presence known without startling her. She looked up, the slight embarrassment for getting caught in such a position masked by the fact her cheeks were already flustered.

"What are you doing?" he asked casually with a slight smile on his face as he leaned against the doorframe.  
"Ehhh," she started, wiping a few lose strands that had escaped her ponytail back by using her arm since her hand was covered with a glove and held a sponge.  
"I was… ehh… picking out clothes for… tomorrow," she said a little vaguely. He threw a look over his shoulder at the stack of clothes by her bed.  
"Okay," he just said as he turned back.

"And the…" he gestured to her hand with the sponge. She gave it a look as though she was a little surprised herself to find it in her hand.  
"Oh I just… saw this stain and… decided to… fix it," she said but adverted her eyes from his when he gave her a doubtful look.  
"Amanda your bathroom is spotless," he stated.

He could tell she just hadn't cleaned beside the toilet. He saw a wet line around the shower as well. Her mirror had shined even earlier but it sparkled now.

"There was a stain," she mumbled.  
"Well is it gone now?" he asked and she nodded.  
"Okay then get up," he told her and she struggled a little to get on her feet. He helped her take her gloves off and he put them on her sink.

"Let's take care of your clothes," he suggested and walked back out. He handed her one of the stacks and she seemed rather sure where to put it. They worked under silence until her floor was done. When he reached for the pile on the bed though she objected.

"No, I think… I'll give that away, like Goodwill or something," she tried to explain.  
"Okay," Fin said, "Well do you have a garbage bag or something?"

She nodded and headed out. He started folding some of the clothes that were just tossed in the pile.

"Are you sure about this one?" he asked when she came back. He held up a top of hers.  
"I like it on you," he said honestly.  
"Well I… just had it for a long time…" she pondered as she got the big black garbage bag open.

"These all old clothes?" he asked as he kept folding. She nodded as she started putting down the folded clothes in the sack.  
"Like Atlanta old," he suggested more than asked. She just gave him a look, he guessed the answer was yes and he didn't blame her. Maybe even thought it was a good thing, a shrink might call it cleansing. They got the clothes down in the bag and Fin tied the ends.

"So you gonna need me to play the girlfriend now and go with you to get some new clothes," he teased as he moved the bag to the nearest corner.  
"I think I have enough gangsta' wear thank you very much," she teased right back.

She went around the bed and kneeled down by her books. He walked up to the bed on the other side and watched her bowed down head. _What was going on inside that head of hers? _

"You got any good books there?" he asked just to say something.  
"Not sure they're really your taste," she mumbled as she kept sorting them.  
"Not that gangsta," he teased and she looked up with a bright smile over her face.  
"Toss me your favorite one," he said and put a knee down on her bed before he sat down. She seemed reluctant but then he realized she was just searching for that one book and when she found it she did toss it over to him.

"To kill a mockingbird?" he snorted trying to muffle a chuckle.  
"Hey don't mock my mockingbird," she said as she pushed her books back in underneath the bed. She stood up and sat down on the other side of the bed.

"It really is your favorite," he said as he got a look at the worn out cover. She nodded.  
"How many times have you read it?" he asked having a look inside. She shrugged.  
"Lost count," she admitted as she moved further up on the bed and leaned against the headboard.

"Have you ever read it?" she asked once she'd watched him for a while. He shook his head.  
"Take it, give it a try," she suggested.  
"Do I look like the reading type?" he chuckled.  
"Oh c'mon I've played your stupid videogames plenty of times, humor me," she coaxed. He gave her a look and then moved up to lean against the headboard just like her but slightly turned towards her.

"It's a book about a six year old white girl," he grumbled.  
"In _Alabama_," he added as he had a look at the back cover again.  
"That's not all it's about," she said.  
"What's it about then," he said quizzing arching an eyebrow at her. She looked down on her hands that were fiddling slightly down on her belly.  
"I guess… in the end it's about that prejudice and… hatred… shouldn't make you lose faith in human goodness."

He watched her as she kept fiddling, picking at her top. When her eyes came up to meet his she managed a weak smile at him. She looked tired though. She looked away, a little bothered by his intense stare.

"It's 3:30 am Amanda," he finally said, "Have you slept at all?"

He watched her shrug slightly. She refused to look at him and sighed heavily as he just kept looking at her.

"What can I do?" he asked.  
"You can read the damn book," she muttered but bit down on her lip as she realized how childish she sounded.  
"If I tried to read it now I would fall asleep," he just said though having much tolerance for however she felt or acted right now.  
"Well then at least you would stop talking…" she moaned but couldn't keep a straight face as she glanced his way and caught his amused face.

"Sassy," he mused and looked back down at the book in his hand to let her smile if she felt like it. He opened the book up and had a look at the first page. He could feel her eyes on him. He really was tired but he plumped the pillow up behind his back and started reading. He would do his best to not fall asleep, at least not before her. He got a few lines before he recognized a familiar name.

"Ah Boo Radley, now that's a dude I've heard of," he said quietly. He heard Amanda let out a muted short chuckle. She scooted down a little on the bed, head almost on her pillow now. He tried to not make it too obvious he was keeping an eye on her out of the corner of his eye. The room was completely lit but it didn't seem to bother her and after trying to fight sleep for a while her eyes flickered shut and stayed that way. He dared to finally turn his head completely towards her. Her neck was in a bit of an awkward angle and he wished he could rearrange her a little but he didn't dare to right now as she would surely wake up then so he just let her be and continued reading. So far this book actually didn't suck.

Hours later as the sun started to rise outside the window competing with the light already in the room three bodies were still sound asleep on Amanda's bed. Fin was on his side, turned towards Amanda and with his hand still extended towards her from the last time he'd gently rubbed her back as she'd started stirring in her sleep again, making small distressful noises. Amanda had turned several laps since then, clothes tangled and ponytail pulled off center, and was now curled up on her side in to a ball further up on the bed. Frannie had followed her up and was curled up by her legs, the remains of the marrow bone left behind at the feet of the bed.

**It would take another** couple of hours before they'd gotten themselves together well enough to leave her apartment. Neither one's phone having woken them up as Liv had turned them off from her end, making it so no outsiders could get in touch with them. She'd received a text from Fin last night that he was spending the night so she knew Amanda was taken care off and didn't mind either one of them coming in a little late.

Fin could tell how awkward and reluctant Amanda felt about going in to the station but of course she wouldn't say it out loud, her entire body language signaled it and it only got worse as they got closer to the station. They'd taken his car and he'd taken the wheel seeing just how much her hands were twitching. He wasn't sure what he could say to calm her down, fearing she would get ticked if he pointed out the fact he could see how nervous she was. So instead he just tried keeping as cool as possible and just staying by her side.

Walking in to the station Fin made a mental note to never play poker with either Nick or Carisi. Either one of them could keep a straight face as Amanda walked in by Fin's side. Nick looked nervous as hell and Carisi's eyes were just darting all over the place making it even more obvious he was looking at Amanda.

"Hi," Nick said awkwardly getting up out of his chair almost squirming out of his suit.  
"Hi," Fin said while Amanda just hummed something as she kept hiding slightly behind her partner's right shoulder.

Carisi had gotten up as well and came around their desks also squirming awkwardly. He knew he had a bad habit of saying inappropriate things when he got nervous or stressed, his grandma always told him to think before he talked, and literally bit down on his tongue right now.

"She's down at the courthouse," he said though as he caught Amanda throwing anxious looks in to Liv's empty office.  
"Prehearing Pat…" he started but caught Nick's dilated eyes staring at him and he bit down the scumbag's name, "I mean with Barba and Dodds."

It wasn't the best save but it was some sort of save at least Carisi thought to himself as he turned back around with his head down low to sit back down.

"She left like two hours ago," Nick let Fin and Amanda know.  
"Okay well then let's just get some work done partner," Fin said trying to keep it casual. He started to walk over to his desk, leaving Amanda a couple of steps behind him.

"Hey, are you…" Nick started, extending his hand a little towards her. He wanted to know how she was holding up, if her pale face and dark circles under her eyes meant she hadn't slept last night and if there was something he could do to help out but of course he couldn't ask all that without making it obvious he had more than a friendly interest here.

He hadn't slept well either, his thoughts going constantly to her as he finally put his head down on the pillow. He'd looked at his phone more times last night than he did during an average day, wanted to call her but not sure what he would say if she would pick up and what he would read in to it if she didn't pick up. He wanted to ask if she was okay but that was just such a stupid question at this point, of course she wasn't okay, she'd been…, he realized he'd been quiet too long and he caught the brief nod she gave him before she walked away.

When he was finally able to tear his eyes from her back and sit back down he caught Carisi's nosey eyes and he gave him one of those extended chins that he'd given kids that stared at him at the playground when he was just a kid. _A kid. That's how he felt. Insecure, inept, insufficient, and without that control of your emotions that came with adulthood. He felt like a kid again. But unlike a kid he didn't have that magical thinking, he knew there was nothing he could do right now to change reality. _

**Down at the courthouse** Liv had sat down around a round table with Barba, Dodds, Patton and his lawyer Buchanan. It had been a chilly greeting, Patton doing his pompous act but Liv had long ago seen through the façade. She couldn't wait to smack Amanda's charges in his smug face. They had deliberately kept the pretenses of the gathering a little obscure but Patton and Buchanan quickly realized it was more an interrogation than anything else. The tape recorder on the table and Dodds' formality was a dead give-away.

Liv and Dodds asked Patton a few questions that rather quickly got him to realize they were talking about the time Amanda had been under his supervision.

"What lies has that conniving bitch spread now?" Patton said with an angry sigh as he leaned back in his chair. Buchanan put a warning hand on his client's arm.  
"Detective Rollins has given us the truth about your wretched way of running your department," Liv hissed back and didn't get Dodds' warning hand on her arm but rather his glare etched in to the side of her face.  
"Let's just take a deep breath," Dodds suggested but then slightly mischievous handed Buchanan the paper with the added charges to Patton's case.

"Oh please," Patton said with a disgruntled sigh as he read the added sentences to his charge.  
"That bitch says I _raped_ her?" he spat out over the table, "We slept together, she was all over me. Threw herself at me, I'm just a guy… how could I say no to that ass?" Patton extended his hands in the air with a shrug turning from Liv to Dodds as he gave Amanda's ass a "compliment".

Liv growled but now Dodds hand did brush up against her arm.

"So now you're saying you had consensual relations with another subordinate of yours?" Dodds asked curiously. Patton's eyes narrowed.  
"It was just _one_ time," he said watching his word.  
"Does that one time coordinate with the date mentioned in the indictment?" Dodds asked. Buchanan slid the paper closer to Patton so he could have a look.  
"Looks about right," Patton said.

"Okay but when we asked your earlier you said Reese Taymor was an exception, that she was the only subordinate you'd ever slept with. Are you now withdrawing that statement?"  
"I didn't want to embarrass _your_ detective, are you going to punish me for that?" Patton grunted.  
"No, we're punishing you for the rape of _our_ detective," Dodds said decidedly and casually sat back in his chair. Liv couldn't help but grin smugly. Times like these she really liked Dodds.

Patton held his own though, withholding he had consensual sexual relations with Amanda at one time. He zealously disputed ever being in her apartment and dared them to find anyone who could say otherwise. By the smug look on his face Liv knew he had covered his tracks, not even Amanda could give witness to that rape unfortunately but he had made a mistake by disclosing it during the second assault. When Liv questioned him about it though he just said that Amanda had asked him to say those things.

He made it sound like Amanda had some kinky side and that she'd for some obscure reason asked him to talk like he'd _violated_ her in the past, that she got off on him holding her down, being rough with her. He never used the phrase raped, kept to describing it as violated. And he also added that he had felt bad about the things she'd made him do and that's why it had all ended after that one time.

Both Liv and Barba despised having to listen to his lies about her and they both realized just how ugly this trial could become for Amanda. At several points the questioning led to Liv and Patton more or less shouting at each other. Dodds and Buchanan acting like the mediators in each corner while Barba mostly sat there and longed for the chance to rip this creep, disguised as some sort of man, to pieces in his courtroom.

Buchanan finally decided the interrogation was finished, adding that if they couldn't treat his client with the respect and homage he deserved there was just no other place than in court they could settle this. Dodds sat back in his chair with a heavy sigh once the door had closed behind the two. Liv and Barba just waited for him to say something and they didn't have to wait long.

"_Your_ detective better hold up or I'm going for both your badges," he hissed as he stood up. Liv rolled his eyes at him. _So easy to like someone, so easy for them to slip right back down on the scale._

"Detective Rollins will hold up alright," Barba said as he felt a need to come to Amanda's defense. Dodds stopped mid-step and turned back around.  
"And I'll rip that snake's lies in to pieces," Barba added when he had the man's eyes on him.  
"Well that would be good," Dodds said a little impressed.

His demeanor crumbling slightly as he shoved his hands in his pant pockets. He took a few breaths, planting his feet next to each other, while Liv and Barba stayed seated.

"So counselor," Dodds finally said, "you want to join us at the station to talk to detective Rollins?"

Barba looked a little surprised by the extended hand but he certainly didn't mind being there as Amanda's advocate so he nodded quickly.

"Well then don't dawdle, we don't have time for that, c'mon," Dodds said going for his coat on the hanger. Liv and Barba quickly got on their feet.

**Back at the station** everyone were trying to do a good job but all doing a very poor job of it. Carisi was busy throwing probing looks at either Amanda or Nick, who kept looking over Amanda's way every other second. Amanda could feel the looks and couldn't focus on the paper work because of it and also by the fact she was both tired and nervous about having to face off with Dodds sometime during the day. Fin on the other hand was mostly tired right now and when his eyes weren't drifting shut he tried to keep them at the paper work at hand.

When Liv, Dodds and Barba walked in both Nick and Carisi spontaneously jumped to their feet and then were left standing awkwardly by their desks as the newly arrived company aimed at Fin's and Amanda's desks.

"He's fighting the charges," Liv said seeing the question in both Amanda's and Fin's eyes.  
"Can we take it inside?" Dodds suggested and then moved with Liv in to her office.

Barba was polite enough to wait behind slightly for Amanda who moved only after Fin had made it obvious he was coming with her as well. Liv and Dodds had hung their jackets and taken a stance by her desk by the time the other's made their way in there. Amanda felt like crawling out of her own skin, _if there was just one way she could invisibly make an exit right now she would jump at the chance but right now jumping out the window was the only thing that sprung to mind and that would just not go over well_, that much she could figure out even with the jumble state her brain was at.

"Maybe we should just have a seat in there," Dodds suggested and gestured next door to the interrogation room. _Right now jumping out the window seemed like a very good idea but all but Dodds, _who had already entered the other room_, seemed to wait for her to follow him in there_. And somehow she made her feet move that way.

"I'll be right here," Fin said after her. He still didn't have the full picture of what had gone down between her and Patton and he knew being in the same room as her when he did would not go over well. Liv gave him a nod before she followed Amanda inside. Barba came in right behind her.

"You can leave sergeant," Dodds said though when Liv entered. Liv looked confounded. She threw Amanda a look but she kept her eyes away but Liv could tell she felt intimidated, like she had to really focus to not fall apart.

"I really want…" Liv started but Dodds put his hand up in the air between them.  
"She won't have you there to hold her hand on the stand, let's go," Dodds said gesturing her out of the room. Liv hated to be dealt with like a kid but right now it was more about not being able to stand by Amanda like she'd made a promise to do.

"I promise I'm not going to chew her up," Dodds said sensing Liv's reluctance to leave her detective's side. She reluctantly moved towards the door. She figured at least Barba would be in there and she trusted Barba.

"I'll be right outside though, in case… _someone_ needs anything," she said before she closed the door behind her. She hoped Amanda knew that the 'someone' was aimed at her and her alone. Fin was still waiting around in her office, standing a few steps away from the window. He gave her a look knowing how bad she felt about having to leave the room. Liv crossed her arms in front of her chest and stepped up to the window to look inside. Fin came up by her side.

Dodds asked Amanda to have a seat on the other side of the glass. Liv liked that Barba sat down by Amanda's side instead of by Dodds'. Amanda still looked very uncomfortable, pulled at her sleeves a little and just didn't seem able to find a good spot on the chair.

"Oh," Liv complained, heart aching for Amanda and she rubbed her forehead with great concern, "she just looks so… frail."

Liv wouldn't have said it out loud if it was anyone else than Fin by her side.

"She's tough," Fin said though, needing to reassure himself as much as Liv.

Liv threw him a glance but then her eyes went back inside as Dodds started talking. His tone was calm and not judgmental at all and Liv felt a little relieved by that at least.

"Should we call someone?" she blurted out. Fin threw her a glance.  
"Like I mean… she looks so lonely. And with the trial coming up. It looks as though we might be able to track down her sister but I can't really see her as being such good support, quite the opposite actually," Liv sighed, "What about her mom?"  
"What about her mom?" Fin asked with both eyebrows raised.  
"Should we give her a call? Ask her to come up here to support her daughter?"  
"From what little I know about her mom she might bring a shovel instead of support so I'll vote no to that," Fin said without looking back at Liv when she glanced at him.

"But she needs support Fin," Liv complained when she looked back at the squirming blonde little being surrounded by two suits in the other room.  
"She has support," Fin said calmly, "She has us."

**Fin hadn't planned** to listen in, he still wasn't sure if he was ready to hear the whole ugly truth but he stayed put by Liv's side. Amanda obviously looked, and probably felt, like she wanted to be anywhere than in that room right now but Dodds did take it gently. He wasn't pushy and didn't raise his voice as he'd done when Liv had filled him in on Amanda disclosing the truth. Barba sat by her side and had her back, correcting Dodds when needed and at times informed them of his plan of defense to certain matters or issues Patton's lawyer might try and poke at.

Thankfully Dodds just mostly stuck to his own questions and listened to Amanda and didn't disclose what Patton has rebutted with. Liv was planning on breaking that to Amanda as gently as possibly. Liv had to give Dodds some cred, he was handling Amanda as well as could be expected, showing both concern and understanding for the situation she was in. And Liv felt proud of Amanda for sitting there and telling her story over again even though it was obviously not that comfortable for her.

"Oh crap, bastard, wretch," Fin muttered bowing his head down.

Liv put a hand on his arm without looking at him. They hadn't even gotten to the really bad parts yet so she wasn't sure how he would hold up but they would all just have to elbow through this best they could because Amanda had no away around it which meant they had to as well. Liv's phone suddenly buzzed though and she saw IAB detective Sawyer's name in the display. She stepped away from the window a bit as she answered.

"Sawyer?" she answered.

Fin kept watching Amanda for a bit but glanced over his shoulder at Liv as her tone of voice raised a few octaves as she apparently was told something interesting.

"He didn't," she close to gasped. Next she sat down at her desk and got her computer on.  
"To my mail? Yeah I'll listen to it right now. Why not?"

Fin got a little interested as to what was going on.

"I got it. I'll call you later," she said and ended the call.  
"You won't believe it," Liv said hitting the keys on her computer to log in.  
"What?" he said and left the window to walk up next to her.  
"We got the guys in the alley, the ones that attacked Amanda," Liv let him know.  
"Really," Fin said delighted, "And they snitched on Patton?"

"Patton actually led us to them," Liv said a bit delighted, "Sawyer picked up a recording, illegally so we can't use it but they traced it. Picked up the two in Brooklyn just now."  
"Get out," Fin said, "Patton's really that stupid."  
"He used a disposable phone but Sawyer somehow picked up a trace, I won't ask him how," Liv said as she got in her mailbox.

Right then there was a soft knock on her door and when she looked up she saw Nick outside. She waved him in. He had his phone pushed against his chest.

"I got Kim Rollins on the line," he said quietly.  
"Oh," Liv gasped a little stunned.

Nick looked a little at loss at her when she didn't say anything.

"You think she'll talk to me?" Liv asked keeping her voice low. Nick nodded like it had been obvious from the start. Liv extended her hand towards him. He walked up and handed her his phone.

"Hi. Kim? This is Sergeant Olivia Benson, we met briefly a couple of years ago," Liv started.  
"Okay hi," Kim said a bit cagey.  
"Thank you so much for talking to me," Liv said as she leaned back in her chair trying her best to sound casual and not desperate at all, "You do have some time to talk to me or is this a bad time?"

"Yeah, I mean no I can talk," Kim said still seeming on alert but easing slightly.  
"Good thank you so very much Kim," Liv said and smiled hoping it would be audible in her voice.

Nick was still standing by Liv's desk but couldn't help but throw a few glances in to the other room as he spotted Amanda on the other side of the glass. She looked really uncomfortable but either Barba or Dodds seemed offensive by the looks of it. He could hear their voices in the background but not really grip what was being discussed. He thought he knew though but he was dying to know details. This was just too bizarre to get his head around.

_The woman he'd slept with on numerous occasions, the one who was very eager in bed but also, he realized, very much in need of control even in the steamiest situations had been raped by her superior officer. Suddenly he saw signs that he hadn't picked up on before, that argument at the bar about Paula Martin not wanting to be a victim suddenly made sense. She'd transferred emotions and what had he done? Walked away and never called back._

_The not liking having her hands pinned down on the bed, the preference of being on top and the slight dislike of intimacy made him nervous it was all related to the rape. Rapes. It had happened twice. He wanted to talk to her about it. He worried he'd made something worse for her, that perhaps what they had, still had?, was somehow hurtful for her. He was a cop after all. He didn't want any part in anything that could be destructive for her but he really hoped that wasn't the case. It had been mostly about sex yes but he did care for her. Because they were partners he didn't really dare to think of it as anything more than sex but surely it had been. He'd never taken _that_ lightly and from what he knew now he was pretty sure it wasn't lightly for her either. Maybe even the opposite. Maybe it was huge for her_. His thoughts were disturbed by Liv's voice.

"Okay that sound good Kim, look I need to ask you something," Liv said leaning in over her desk again after having learnt a little what Kim had been up to lately. She wasn't really interested but it built a bit of connection between the two which Liv hoped would help now that she would need to ask Kim for help.

"I need to ask you about something you might've seen back in Atlanta years ago."  
"Okay, what? How long ago?" Kim asked. Liv gave her the date.  
"Gosh, that's like four years ago," Kim sighed, "I have trouble remembering what happen last week."

She chuckled slightly but piped down quickly as Liv didn't seem as amused.

"Maybe if I help you along, it is important Kim," Liv tried, "You were staying at your sister's place. You were on probation, check fraud, possession…"  
"I was innocent, I did not…" Kim started immediately.  
"I don't care about that Kim," Liv hurried to say, "You were innocent I believe you but you do remember? You remember staying at your sister's during all that?"  
"Aha," Kim said, again sounding a little guarded.  
"Good, do you remember one morning, you walked in to her bathroom and you caught her, you saw her back, her collarbone…" Liv tried to focus ahead and not take in the troubled looks on both Fin's and Nick's faces.

"You mean the bruises?" Kim asked.  
"Yeah, can you tell me what you remember of that morning, from when you walked in on her?"  
"Well I was just going to ask if I could take her car I think, or maybe it was her bike, I wanted to go see a friend across town that's all. But she just fucking told me to get out, shoved me out. Mental," Kim sighed.

"Okay but what did you see, the bruises can you tell me about them?"  
"Well I dunno but her back was bruised, like down the spine, I remember it was really like purple reddish, I know how those sorts of bruises can hurt," Kim said seriously.  
"Okay, and what else did you see?"  
"Her wrists had bruises like all the way around, and she had what looked like a bite mark on her collarbone."

"Okay and what did you think had happen to her?"  
"Like maybe… very kinky sex or something," Kim pondered. Liv tried to hide her sigh, it wasn't really what she wanted to hear as it collaborated Patton's version more than Amanda's.  
"Do you know your sister to have kinky sex?" Liv tried.  
"Well no…"  
"But you thought her injuries looked like she had rough sex?"  
"I guess, I dunno she kicked me out of there."

"And did you think to ask her what had happened?"  
"Hello? I told you she kicked me out, slammed the fucking door in my face, how could I have asked her anything?" Kim spat getting worked up.  
"Okay, okay, it's just that something _did_ happen to your sister and we're just trying to help her by gathering as much information as possible and you have really helped Kim," Liv tried.  
"What happen to her?" Kim asked.  
"You have to ask your sister about that okay?" Liv said as kindly as possible.  
"We… don't really talk…" Kim said, voice frail and shaky instantly.  
"Well hopefully you'll get a chance to clear that up with her," Liv said.

There was a silent pause. Liv scribbled down something on a piece of paper and held it up towards Nick. It read; _Do we have her #?_ Nick shook his head.

"Kim?" Liv tried, not sure where Kim's head was at, "If I need to talk to you again is there a number I can reach you at?"  
"You want my number?" Kim asked cautiously.  
"Yes it would be really helpful for me as well as your sister," Liv said.  
"But you're a cop," Kim said.  
"Look Kim, the number is just for me so I can get in contact with you if I need to. Maybe I can give it to Amanda as well, maybe she wants to get in touch with you too," Liv said and felt a little bad for lying.

She had no idea if Amanda had any interest in rekindle any contact with her sister, Liv couldn't really see a reason she would want to do that but she needed Kim's contact info.

"What about the arrest warrant?" Kim asked and made it obvious she still thought most and foremost about her own safety.  
"I will _not_ give your number to Tucker. I have talked to him though, asked him if he would wave the warrant if I needed you to come here to testify."  
"Testify?" Kim blurted out, "What's really going on here?"  
"Your sister will probably be taking the stand in court very soon and Kim, if we need you to testify, and if Tucker waves the warrant of course, will you be willing to come to New York then? Stand up for your sister?" Liv waited but Kim kept quiet.

"Kim, isn't it about time you stood up for your sister for a change?" Liv decided to push, hoping it wouldn't backfire.  
"This is Mike's phone, he's my boyfriend, you can reach me on it but you can have my number as well," Kim said very quietly.  
"Thank you Kim," Liv said heartedly and scribbled down the digits Kim gave her. Liv thanked her again and promised to give Amanda her number as well when Kim asked her to. She hung up and took a deep breath as she handed Nick his phone back. Both men looked at her with invasive eyes.

"I don't think she'll be a good witness for Amanda," she said a bit disappointed as she shook her head slightly.  
"Not credible?" Nick guessed.  
"With her past and her record I guess not but if she says on the stand what she just told me it may sway the jury Patton's way and not Amanda's."

Liv caught their puzzled looks and realized they didn't have the full story.

"He now says they had rough sex at one point, that she asked for it," Liv said as gently as possible.  
"That pig," Fin hissed.  
"But that won't fly in court right?" Nick said feeling even more shocked with this part of the puzzle.  
"It's going to be a he said, she said situation but at least they are two women with collaborating stories. And he did change his story as we served him with Amanda's allegations, Barba will use that against him as he rips him on the stand."

She tried to give them a reassuring look before she sat up. She remembered she had a recording waiting for her in her mailbox.

"They caught the guys that roughed her up in the alley," Fin let Nick know.  
"No?" Nick said stumped. Fin nodded.  
"And they got some recording of them talking to Patton," Fin added and Nick looked even more surprised.  
"Can I listen in?" Nick asked once he realized what Liv was up to.

She nodded without looking at him as she was busy trying to find a program to open the file with. Nick hung in over the desk to get closer as Liv turned up the volume right after she'd hit play. There was a ring tone, some static on the line but then someone picked up.

"Hey," someone said.  
"Patton?" male #2 asked and got a positive response. Liv rolled her eyes at Patton's stupidity.

"You done?" Patton asked.  
"Yeah," the other male answered.  
"Smoothly?"  
"We got interrupted."  
"What? You didn't get to her?" Patton asked, voice raised.  
"No we did but we didn't get to finish the job."  
"Someone see you?"  
"No, we were faster than him."  
"Him? Big somewhat blackish guy, black leather jacket?" Patton asked eagerly.

Liv shot Fin a look, he had a big crease between his eyes, eyes fixed on the computer.

"Yeah."  
"Son of a bitch. I told you to make sure he wasn't around," Patton said angrily.  
"She left alone, we were alone going down the street, he showed up out of nowhere," the other male tried to explain.  
"Okay but you're sure he didn't see you?"  
"He only saw our backs boss."

The fact he called Patton boss hinted that they might've done business before.

"Okay and what about her? Did you… do it as I told you?"  
"Yeah."  
"Tell me," Patton demanded and Liv started to get a creepy feeling in her gut.  
"Eh… well we grabbed her, roughed her up just a little as you told us."  
"Did she fight back?"  
"She tried to."

Patton was heard snickering on the recording.

"Told you she was a fire cracker, didn't I tell you?"  
"You told us boss," the other male said but didn't sound as amused as Patton.  
"But when you… _touched_ her… she froze right?" Patton started to sound very pervy and the people listening in squirmed uncomfortably.  
"Yeah… I guess."  
"Tell me," Patton demanded.  
"About what…"  
"_How_ you touched her," Patton said angrily.  
"Well I held her, held her arms back, Holt grabbed her… or at her breasts."  
"And she froze?"  
"Well not really, I mean she still tried to kick me, him, head butt me."  
"Even when he grabbed her tits?" Patton snickered.

Fin clinched his fist listening to the creep. He should've known his partner didn't disclose the full extent of the assault in the alley the other night.

"I guess," again the other male sounded a little weirded out.  
"And then what? He touched her down there as well?"  
"Aha, like you said."  
"Tell me," Patton demanded. The other guy cleared his throat a little.  
"We told her what you told us to tell her, to shut her trap or she was asking for a rerun. That we would get her when she least expected it, ram her the way she liked it. Holt even said he was hoping she wouldn't shut her trap so he would get the pleasure to do her."

Patton snickered, static getting louder as he seemed to get too close to the receiver.

"He said that? Brilliant," Patton scoffed, "Tell me _how_ he touched her."  
"_How_ he touched her?" the other guy asked and Patton reaffirmed that's what he said. The other guy sounded a little uncomfortable as he told Patton just how his fellow hooligan had touched Amanda. Above the jeans at first and then started to pull up her top, her jacket already been torn.

"Yeah, yeah," Patton breathed, "And then what?"  
"Well then that guy showed up."  
"Damn, so he never really touched her."  
"I think he got to her enough boss, she wasn't struggling at that point."  
"Okay, good, good," Patton breathed, "So Holt wouldn't mind doing her?"  
"Eh no?"  
"Okay you stay put, I might need you again," Patton said, the smirk on his face evident in his voice.

"Son of a bitch," Liv whispered.

Patton asked the other male if they had enough money to which he answered yes and then Patton said to stay off the radar and that he would be in touch. The call ended and so did the recording. Liv leaned back in her chair, again feeling a little drained, this case was inevitably getting to her.

"That was just heinous," Nick said trying to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth, "but that will incriminate him big time."

Fin gave him a disgruntled look though.

"We can't use it," he muttered. Nick looked baffled over to Liv as Fin had stepped away right after he dropped it.  
"I think it was obtained illegally," Liv said but hurried to add as she saw Nick's eyes cloud over again, "but they caught the guys thanks to it. We'll be able to interrogate them later today. We'll get them to give Patton up, we have to."

The door to the interrogation room opened up suddenly and drew everyone's attention. Dodds popped his head out.

"Can we get some water in here?" he asked and seemed to expect someone to jump on it. Nick reacted the quickest and hurried out.  
"How's it going?" Liv asked.  
"As good as can be expected," Dodds said lowering his voice a little, "She seems credible."

Liv's eyes narrowed but she kept quiet and hoped Fin would be able to as well but she wouldn't hold it against him if he said anything. He didn't though. Nick came back in carrying three bottles of water and handed them to Dodds who then quickly disappeared inside again closing the door behind him.

Liv caught both Fin and Nick turning to look inside.

"Okay guys," she said trying to pull their attention but didn't really succeed.  
"Guys," she said a little higher and finally got them to turn their heads around.  
"Let's leave her be for now okay?" she said softly.

She turned to look at her screen and the email Sawyer had sent her.

"Holt Brennan and Ross Davis. Both from Atlanta," she read out loud and then turned to look at them again, "Let's dig up everything we can on them and their connection to Patton. If we can nail these two and get them to rat out Patton it will be very beneficial to this case. To Amanda."

Both Fin and Nick nodded and then walked out. Liv took a deep breath once they'd stepped out. She heard Amanda's frail voice from the room next door and she walked up to the window. She just caught Dodds asking something as she got to the window and then Amanda's brittle voice;

"_Cause he told me the second time." _

Liv felt a slight chill down her spine. She knew exactly where they were at in Amanda's statement and it pained Liv to have to listen to it again. But she was Amanda's boss and this was one time she could really be on Amanda's side. She wasn't sure what other related issues Amanda would let her help with. She'd spent the night thinking about the aftermath of this and what Amanda had been through and would have to go through. She didn't doubt Amanda could function as a detective again, she wanted Amanda back on the squad, but she would have to seek treatment. She needed counseling. Liv would push on it.

She knew Cragen had sent her to see doctor Olivet after the shooting of her sister's boyfriend. She would look in to if Olivet still worked for the department and if so, if Amanda would be willing to see her. Liv already knew she would bring this up the next time she saw doctor Lindstrom, maybe he would have some good advice for her. Liv feared Amanda would just want to stick her head in the sand but this time she wouldn't be able to, the entire NYPD would know once the trial was over, whatever the ruling would be.

Everyone would know what she'd been through and even though probably most of them wouldn't say anything there would be looks, whispers behind her back, silence as she entered a room. Liv knew this from personal experience. People usually meant good but they had a very strange way of showing it sometimes. It was something Amanda would have to get used to if she would survive working here when this was over. And Liv hoped desperately she would want to.

She wanted a chance to make it right, the poor introduction they had, the failed attempts to form some sort of bond, which Liv could clearly see her part in now, and then that whole Declan Murphy debacle. Damn she wished she would've dug or pushed more that time Amanda mentioned something happening to her on the job, the _something not worth pursuing_. Had she known it was _this_ worth pursuing she would've fought. She _should've_ fought. But she would have to not dwell on that right now and she took a deep breath. Right now she had to focus on getting Amanda and her squad through this and hopefully – hopefully – see Patton get thrown in jail.

**Later that day** Patton's goons Holt Brennan and Ross Davis were brought in. Amanda picked them out of a line-up conducted by unbiased officials and with Barba still present. Liv wanted everything done right and for Patton not to be able to say they played fences. After the line-up she'd insisted that Amanda head home, she'd been through enough for today. Reluctant and sullen Amanda packed herself out of there. Liv had asked Fin to stay though, she needed him for the interrogations.

Liv let Fin and Nick take Ross, the one they've heard on the recording, while Liv and Carisi took Holt, the guy that according to the recording had done most of the groping during the assault.

They had the game plan set, no mention of the recording but they could act as though they had eyes on that alley and what had taken place in there. The aim was to get them to admit Patton was behind it. The goal was to take down Patton. These sleaze balls could get immunity if they gave up Patton. Hopefully they would get what was coming to them somewhere down the line.

Barba stayed around to be able to draw up papers immediately in case they spilled. Liv let him have one of the backrooms to be able to do some work as they waited around for the men to be brought it but he was right there out in the hallway as the detectives divided to conquer.

Holt would turn out to be a tough nut to crack but he wasn't all that bright and Liv and Carisi trapped him to the scene of the crime at least. He refused to give up Patton though. Liv had a pretty good idea why. Patton turned up in Holt's juvie record and had probably been in Holt's life for a long time, getting him off charges in exchange for some side jobs that a police officer shouldn't conduct himself in.

But Liv wasn't so disappointed at them failing to get Holt to rat Patton out as she learnt Ross had caved. She was a little afraid Fin and Nick had used foul methods but she'd asked Barba to watch their interrogation and as he seemed pleased she had to figure not too much deviation had gone on. Ross Davis had befriended Holt Brennan about six years ago and soon learnt the benefits of having a friend in the police department. It came with a price though, he'd persuaded witnesses, pressured guys for money and beat people up on orders from Patton. He gave Holt up as well.

They'd been at that bar two nights ago, following Amanda from the station. Their orders had been to rough her up, scare her out of taking the stand in a trail he had no idea what it was about. They did know she was a cop though. The orders had included some specific elements. They were to sexually assault her in some way they saw fit but not take it too far. The goal was to scare her to silence.

Liv couldn't help but sneer at the fact Patton's plan had totally backfired, it might have been what made Amanda finally open up about what had really happened.

They gave Holt a chance to change his testimony but he called Ross a fucking liar. It was not the best situation as Patton's defense might call Holt to dispute what Ross was saying but Barba was pretty sure he could pick Holt to pieces if it came to that.

**Another few days** passed with everyone preparing for the upcoming trial. Fin spent the nights on Amanda's couch, at times on the other side of her bed. She had severe trouble sleeping. Mostly it was getting to bed, Fin found her doing almost anything to just not have to lie down. She didn't want to say it but he was rather sure it had to do with nightmares that plagued her sleep and judging by her reluctance to go to bed he figured she had some pretty bad ones as of late.

Laying an arm length away he could easily poke her or rub her back slightly as she got agitated in her sleep. Since he wasn't used to sleeping next to anyone he usually woke up the moment her turmoil started and could pull her out before it got too bad. It wasn't a solution that would work for the rest of their lives but it worked for now. He didn't mind being her alarm system and he did his best to not make her feel embarrassed for needing him.

She did her best to work but everyone could tell this was taking a toll on her. Liv had decided to keep her inside since there was still a threat assessment. Amanda wasn't happy with desk duty but Liv didn't budge and would just have to pucker through Amanda's sullenness. Liv cut Fin some slack as well, she knew he was looking out for his partner and that it was the reason to why he came in some mornings looking completely spent. She didn't mind him dodging off to the bunks to catch some shut eye.

Liv was very involved with the Patton case which meant Nick and Carisi carried a lot of weight with other cases coming in. Dodds was aware though and redirected some cases to other special victim's units so that Patton's case got prioritized and so the Manhattan SVU wasn't swamped.

Since Liv knew what it was like being the center of everyone's attention she had a talk with the guys in private about Amanda. She knew Fin probably didn't need to hear it but she still wanted to include him as he might have something to add. She mostly just told them to try and act as normal as possible. Amanda had expressed she didn't want special treatment as the desk duty got relevant, Liv had pushed though but now she relayed that to the guys and added some personal reflections from her Lewis ordeal.

It didn't help much though. Carisi found himself nervous whenever around Amanda and as usual blurting out all sorts of odd things when he got like that. He tried to not make that a reason to avoid her though. Nick got nervous around her too but that just made him quiet and at times not even able to look at her. He felt really shitty over his own behavior, he felt like he was failing her. But he worried that all the unresolved things and issues between them added to her troubled state and the last thing he wanted was to add to her discomfort.

As days passed though and the trial was coming up he found himself not able to catch her alone ever and finally he spent a night trying to get a hold of her over the phone. She wasn't picking up though. Since he'd made up his mind though he kept trying and by the fifth call she finally answered. Only it wasn't her picking up.

"Hey Nick, it's Fin," Fin answered having seen Nick's name in the display twice since Amanda disappeared in to the shower. He'd seen her acting nervous around the phone earlier as it buzzed a few times and then caught her with a lie as she said it was just a text but he'd seen Nick's name in the display.

"...hi," Nick said feeling a little busted.  
"Look, she can't get to the phone right now," Fin said not sure how to break it to him any easier.  
"Oh okay," Nick said.

There was a silent pause during which Nick fingered one of Zara's drawings on his fridge that he'd found Amanda studying one night as she was taking off. She had said it was pretty and he'd told Zara that as she visited a following weekend. Maybe he'd hoped Zara would've asked why his partner Amanda had been at their house but of course the eight year old didn't really ponder over it but was just happy to hear someone liked her art work.

"You okay?" Fin asked when Nick had stayed quiet a rather long time.  
"Me? Yeah," Nick answered a little startled, "How's Amanda doing?"

Fin looked to the bedroom, hearing the shower run in the background as it had done for almost an hour now.

"She's hanging in there, probably just wants this trial over and done with," Fin said keeping it simple as he didn't want to betray Amanda's trust.  
"Yeah I can understand that," Nick said nodding.  
"Can I... Can I do something? For her I mean," Nick dared to ask after a bit of hesitation.  
"Just be around, I think that's what she needs, just knowing we're here for her," Fin said, "But don't..."  
"Don't what?" Nick asked when Fin went quiet.  
"Just don't push okay?" Fin said a little unsure if he had the right to meddle or not.

He wasn't sure exactly what the two had going on but as far as he knew it had mostly caused his partner more distress to an already tumultuous life. And more distress was the last thing she needed right now. He tried to have her best interests in mind. She'd made some unwise decisions over the years which surely stemmed from her experience in Atlanta. Maybe Nick was what she needed or that would be good for her in the long run but it wasn't a decision she should make right now.

"Okay," Nick answered trying to not let his disappointment spill over in to his voice.  
"She's going to need time," Fin said quickly as he felt he might be overstepping.  
"Of course, and I don't mean to... make it worse for her," Nick said not able to leave his emotions out of his voice now.  
"Of course not," Fin hurried to say.  
"I'm just... struggling a little I guess with how to... act around her," Nick was a little worried he spilled too much to the wrong person.  
"I don't want her to think I'm avoiding her that's all," he added hastily as Fin stayed quiet on the other side.  
"I'll tell her you called," Fin said not sure what else he could say.  
"Thanks," Nick said.

They hung up after short 'bye's, Nick still with the same unresolved gnawing feeling in his gut as when he first picked up the phone and Fin worrying he might be trying to help his partner out but doing it the wrong way.

**Sam Reynolds got back to Liv** to let her know Tim Fellner, the guy that had run in to Amanda as she fled the station that second time, would testify but that he'd also said he wasn't sure all these years later what he'd seen exactly. He wouldn't say that she could've fled from a rape cause she didn't look _that_ messed up. It was a little discouraging but then Sam told her that with some digging he'd learnt that someone did go up after Amanda when she hadn't returned with the cups and Liv's attention picked up.

His name was Eric Bevan, now a former detective since he'd been shot while on duty about a year ago and then not been able to come back in full capacity. Sam had kept in contact with him and looked him up at his current work as a stocker at his brother-in-law's hardware store. After a bit of persuasion Eric had admitted he had in fact gone up to fetch both Amanda and the cups. He'd found the cups in a stack outside the former recreation room but there was no sign of Amanda.

He'd heard noises from inside Patton's office though and approached to investigate a little further. A bit guilt-ridden Eric admitted that he'd heard what sounded like a female in distress from behind the closed door. He'd tried the handle but found the door locked and as he heard Patton's enraged voice inside he'd stepped away without doing anything. Eric admitted that he still felt bad for not doing anything but Amanda had seemed fine the week after, no one had said anything and he just figured whatever it was that had been going on in there was none of his business.

Sam hadn't discussed with Eric about taking the stand but Liv said she would certainly bring this up with AD Barba and there was a good chance Eric would be called. Liv asked Sam to please try and make sure both Tim and Eric weren't pressed by Patton to change their statements before the trial. Sam promised he would do whatever he could to keep them honest.

**They were only two days** away from the trial now and Barba had asked to see Amanda in his office to go over the defense's witness list. There were a few names on there that he didn't recognize and needed more information about to know what he was up against if the defense decided to call them.

"How are you holding up?" Barba asked as Amanda took a seat in the chair opposite his desk while he sat down behind it. He'd given her a choice of the round table or the desk and she'd gestured at his desk so he figured she needed the distance and the professionalism the desk would give them.

"Good, I guess," Amanda answered a bit evasive. She did her best to keep her hands still where they rested on her thighs but she could already feel the twitches starting in them.

"No more threats from what Olivia's told me?" he asked and she shook her head.  
"That's something," he muttered as he flipped his notebook up. He grabbed his pen and got the witness list up.

"You know they've put your mom on the list right?" he said looking up at her. She nodded as she readjusted her jacket nervously.  
"Do you know what she could say that would speak against your credibility or character?"

Amanda took a shivering deep breath and tried to sit up a little in her chair. She found it hard to gather her thoughts. _How the hell was she supposed to know what shenanigans her mom was up to now? _

"You know they might not even call her, it could just be a tactic to through you off your game," Barba tried to make her feel a little better.  
"Well it's working," Amanda mumbled.  
"What she would say?" Amanda repeated just to get her head in to the game, "She'll probably say I'm too ambitious. I've heard that since… junior high, or even earlier."

Amanda shook her head a little but it was more to try and get her mother's voice out of her head than anything else.

"But I dunno, I mean she could make up all sorts of lies I guess but all I've ever done was to try and protect her… and my sister. Only time you'll find me in the records are linked to my mom's name. You've seen her record right?"

Barba nodded. He had plenty to use in case Amanda's mom came after her. He knew he could easily shred her credibility but he'd rather not subject Amanda to the ordeal that would mean.

"Does your mother know Patton?" Barba asked. Amanda shrugged slightly.  
"She's met him. In arraignment court, maybe around the station once or twice. She knows Vivienne though."  
"Patton's wife," Barba said and Amanda nodded, "How?"

Amanda squirmed a little.

"Vivienne… she does charity, for the church and… my mom, well she might not be proud of it but she wasn't shy of accepting things that were free."  
"So your mother and Vivienne know each other?"  
"They don't run in the same circles but they know _of_ each other."  
"Could Vivienne have gotten to your mother?"  
"Maybe," Amanda admitted with a sigh, "if the price was right."

Barba scribbled down a quick note by Amanda's mother's name and left it at that, he hoped even more now that he wouldn't have to see the mother on the stand.

"Terrence Bolden," Barba said next and caught the frown on Amanda's face.  
"He's a… former boyfriend of my moms," Amanda admitted through gritted teeth. Barba wasn't sure how to ask the question but he didn't have to as Amanda continued once she'd rearranged herself on her chair a little.

"I broke a bottle over his head," she said without any sign of remorse, "I was eight and my mom was on the floor with a black eye and a split lip."

Barba tried to sit absolutely still. His pen made a black stain on his note pad as he pressed it hard against the surface.

"Did he need emergency help?" Barba finally asked. Amanda looked hesitant.  
"I don't think so," she said quietly.  
"Did the police arrive?"

Amanda shrugged.

"I dunno, I didn't stay at the scene."

Barba watched her for a few seconds, he wasn't sure exactly where he had her at the moment.

"Will there be hospital records of your mother's injuries?"

Amanda took a deep breath.

"No," she sighed, "I mean I don't think so."  
"So it was you, Mr Bolden and your mother?" Barba asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Did something else happen between you and this Mr Bolden?"

Amanda tried to think back, she'd spent many years trying to forget the brute.

"Not that I can recall. They dated for a few months, he didn't like kids so they didn't spend much time around our place. She started to come home with bruises and then… he attacked her in our living room and… I used one of the bottles they'd emptied."

Amanda shrugged like it was nothing.

"Did he ever lay a hand on you or your sister?"  
"No," she answered simply. Barba scribbled a note by the man's name.  
"Mr Bolden has a voluminous record, they would be fools to call him," Barba said.

Amanda was a little relieved. Terrence had been far from one of the worst boyfriends of her mom's but he'd scared her, something about the blunt dislike in his eyes the few times he'd actually looked her way. And the rage right before he'd crashed to the floor, blood oozing from the head wounds and then the fear as her mom had yelled for her to, to run as far away as she could. She still could remember running as fast as her feet would carry her and hiding out in the tree hut behind the school all through the night. She could do without meeting another set of hateful eyes in the courtroom.

"Geoffrey Dodson," Barba said and carefully looked for Amanda's reaction. He only caught the absence of a reaction though. She just folded her eyes down to her lap.

Amanda watched her own nail scratch against the rough fabric of her black jeans. She scratched so hard she started to feel it in her skin underneath and it felt good.

"Amanda," Barba called for her attention, "Geoffrey Dodson, who is he?" he asked once he had her eyes.  
"Another boyfriend of hers," she said quickly and then startled him as she got up out of her chair.

She started pacing a little behind his two visitor's chairs, a nervous twitch in her neck that didn't seem to want to ease.

"What happen with him detective Rollins?" Barba asked.  
"Why would they…" Amanda mumbled, stroking back her hair even though it lay flat already. _Why would they call these jerks? Her mom must've talked. No one else had their names right? Was her mom working with Patton? For Patton? Fuck_. She rubbed the back of her neck hard.

"Amanda," Barba said softly as he sat up in his chair and leaned his elbows on his desk. She stopped pacing but squirmed slightly where she ended up standing.  
"Whoever they call I'll take care of them on the stand okay? Do you trust me?" Barba asked calmly. Amanda had to think about it but then she nodded slightly.

"Tell me about Geoffrey Dodson?" he asked just as calmly.  
"I took a baseball bat to his car. I wrecked it good," she said, her southern drawl very prominent.  
"How old were you?" Barba asked watching her closely as her eyes had gone down to her shoes.  
"Twelve," she said quietly.  
"I'm sorry," Barba answered.  
"Don't be," she said looking back up, "I could handle myself… and a bat."

He couldn't help but smile slightly and he was rewarded a shy one back but he had to sober up quickly.

"Was he also abusive to your mother?" Barba asked and after just a slight hesitation Amanda nodded, her eyes back down on her feet again.  
"To you?" he asked, had to wait a while longer but then another nod.  
"Mr Dodson has a record but it's not extensive, none of domestic abuse or assaults so if he is called I'm going to need a fuller account of exactly what happened okay?"

Amanda nodded while inhaling roughly, she still didn't look at him.

"Joshua Jemison," Barba said next, "Another boyfriend of your mom's?"

Amanda shook her head.

"Of mine," she said and started pacing again. Barba's eyes narrowed a little as he had another look at the birthdate of this male.  
"When?" he asked.  
"Eh… high school," Amanda said finding herself biting her nail and immediately pushed both hands down her jeans pockets to restrain herself from doing it.

Barba tried to do the math in his head.

"He was quite a lot older," he said carefully.  
"I was 16," she said glancing his way.  
"And he was old enough to be your mother's boyfriend," Barba pointed out. It earned him another displeased look from her.  
"Did it end badly?" Barba tried. Amanda shook her head though.

"You had a sexual relationship I take it," Barba asked carefully. Amanda looked humiliated but then nodded clenching her jaw.  
"Anything I should know…" Barba didn't want to ask it but he had to and hoped she would help him out.

Amanda couldn't believe this was happening and shook her head in disbelief. At any other time she would've liked to see Josh, after their break-up she'd been devastated but now she could look back to those years with a good feeling in her gut. What they had was a good thing, she would hate to see that destroyed as well by Patton.

"Look he was my first okay," Amanda said, embarrassment burning her cheeks and she couldn't look at him.  
"He was older yeah but he was a good guy, we dated for almost two years. None of my high school friends had relationships that lasted that long. Did you?" She finally faced him.  
"Okay," Barba said calmly as he could tell she was getting worked up. He gave her a few moments to gather herself.

"Nate Davis is on the list as well…" he said carefully.

Amanda started shaking her head in disbelief. She'd already seen the list so she knew but it was all sinking in how absurd this was. _She was… she didn't even want to think it but she was the victim and here she was feeling like the one getting prosecuted. And for what? For having a mom that had the skill to pick out the bad seeds out of the harvest? For having a sister who managed to get herself in trouble when just crossing a bloody street? For being weak and not standing up to Patton? Why was this happening? _

"Is there anything I should know about your sexual history?" Barba asked pulling her from her thoughts.  
"Oh my God," Amanda blurted out looking up at the ceiling but grabbed her hair quickly with both hands and pulled her head back down.

"I'm sorry but I have to ask these…" Barba started but Amanda cut him off as she turned to him, some strands pulled from her ponytail now and hands clutching at the back of one of the visitor's chairs.

"I don't deserve this," she said fighting hard to keep her voice unbroken, "I don't deserve slutshaming for what _he_ did to _me_…"

She had to collect herself for a few seconds, trying to get air down all the way to her lungs, and it dawn on her this was just like every other rape victim felt. This wasn't new, this wasn't any different from any other rape case. It was injustice, wrong on so many levels but this was the way it worked. She took one more deep breath and faced Barba again. Her voice was still worked up and fragile at the same time but she didn't care;

"Josh was my high school sweetheart. The first guy I slept with, the _only_ one I slept with all through high school. I thought he would whisk me away, take me away from that hellhole that was my home. When he broke up with me I was heartbroken for a long time. I slept with two guys in college, none of them one night stands but guys I was in a relationship with. Another two boyfriends in Atlanta before…" she wanted to say Patton but she couldn't make herself say his name right now, "…and two since I came to New York. I don't think that's a lot, do you?"

Barba shook his head calmly.

"And there's nothing… shameful in there. No whips, no cuffs, I've never done drugs with any of them, or with friends or alone.., or with my sister. I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for any of it. I'm not… a slut."

"_I know that_," Barba said seriously but then got a softer tone as he continued, "_We_ all know that but Amanda… you have to be ready, to prepare yourself because Patton… his lawyer _will_ go there. It's the only defense he has and he will come after you. You have to prepare yourself for this."

There would be close to another hour with more pacing, eye rolls and heavy sighs from Amanda's end and concerned looks, rubbing of the chin and readjusting suspenders from Barba's end before she was able to leave his office. She'd driven herself there from the station, of course with the police escort tailing her and one of them had even walked her up to the courthouse like she was some fucking kid. She tried to brace herself to see him waiting outside. But instead she found Fin sitting on a bench across from Barba's office.

She knew he was just being a good partner, trying to back her up, make sure she was okay. And she did appreciate it but seeing him right now stirred up all those emotions from the meeting she'd just sat through, or paced through, with Barba. From the turmoil of these past few weeks, from all those years ago back in Atlanta, and from the childhood traumas that she much rather had kept buried but that the scumbag deputy chief Patton now made resurface along with all the other crap.

"Fuck Fin," she complained, got over the initial shock of seeing him there and started walking again.  
"You don't have to babysit me," she hissed over her shoulder.

She could feel tears burning behind her eyes and she tried blinking to get rid of them.

"What happened?" she heard him ask behind her, his footsteps catching up to her.

Fin knew better than to take her anger personally and figured it had been a tough meeting with Barba.

"What are you doing here?" she spat over her shoulder.  
"I just… wanted to make sure you got back to the station alright," Fin said a bit hesitant.

He wasn't really sure why he was there, he had the time so he figured why not.

"You don't think I can drive my own ass back to the station? What? Would I not find my way? There's no hill to drive off either. Maybe a bridge though."

Her voice had gotten higher, more agitated and it echoed in the grand hallways of the courthouse. Fin could feel the looks from people around them but Amanda didn't seem bothered and his focus was on her and no one else.

The fact he didn't answer or say anything aggravated her even more and she suddenly stopped and charged him to the point he even backed up a little.

"What are you doing here Fin? What do you want from me?" she yelled.

He kept his cool even though he wasn't sure what to do to reverse a situation that had gotten out of control faster than he could get his head around it.

"What do you want?" she yelled even louder in to his face. She looked ready to jump him, her fists in the air between them and her breath shallow and erratic.

Fin could see two guards approaching and he just knew that two beefy men grabbing her or even just coming close to her right now would not end this situation well so he got his hands calmly up on each side of him.

"I just want to make sure no more harm comes to you," he said as composed as possible. Her face crumbled slightly but her body language was still signaling danger. But she started to get aware of their surroundings. People were looking at them, staring at them, at her and her erratic behavior. She was losing it.

"It's too late," she whispered as she caved quickly under the glares.

She looked left and then right, getting intimidated by the looks. Over Fin's shoulder she spotted Barba further down the hall, drawn out from his office by the shouting. _What was she thinking? Why did she have to open up her stupid trap? For years she'd kept quiet, why hadn't she left it buried?_

"Amanda," Fin said carefully seeing the last color leave her face. Her fists had dropped, her eyes two vacant cavities as they came back to his again.

"I can't do this," she whispered.


	10. Chapter 10

Happy SVU Wednesday! Amanda will be back - yay! :)  
Sorry it took me a while to update, a bit of writer's block but your reviews (indulged myself &amp; read them all again) helped me along. It's the longest chapter so far so hopefully that will weigh up the wait a ltl ;)  
I know my limitations and courtroom scenes just aren't my speciality so I hope you won't be disappointed the way I wrote it. I just don't know all the legal terms so I wouldn't be able to do it justice (pun intended). You'll get more of a resume so a lot of text coming up.  
There's a glimmer of Rollaro in this chapter but the real Rollaro chapter is coming up, it will probably be the final chapter as well. I want to get back to my other fic &amp; I'm also working on another Rollaro fic that follows the actual show. I don't necessarily like the way they chose to write Amanda's past history with Patton but it does open up for some, to me, lovely destructive twists &amp; turns for everyone involved.  
Happy reading! XO

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**Chapter 10**

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"_Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward_." – C.S. Lewis

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The trial would be gruesome. And dirty, highly emotional with plenty of mud thrown and low blows with the only aim to hurt the people that went up against the self-proclaimed almighty deputy chief Charles Patton. He had plenty of character witnesses that buttered him up, made him sound like a saint with his long and notable work within the Police Department as well as the charity work for his church along with numerous contributions within and for the community of Atlanta.

The defense pulled no stops to discredit the two women that accused Patton of rape. They painted Reese Taymor as a ditzy, unintelligent blonde who couldn't do much more than bat her eyelashes at every man and she was never expected to last very long within the police department. They couldn't make up what wasn't there though, Reese came from a wholesome family and had close to no bones buried in her closet. She'd been expelled once from school and it was for rallying other students to protest against an injustice, bringing that up would only paint her in better light which Barba did of course.

So they had very little on Reese except for the fact she had consented to sleeping with her superior officer before the rape. Barba tried to focus on what Liv had dug up, that Reese in fact had been feeling very left out of the APD, close to feeling shunned by the squad, and that Patton had used that to get even closer to her. That _he_ had preyed on _her_ and then taken the step to a non-appropriate relationship with a subordinate.

Reese had her family supporting her in court, her parents, her brother and sister and even cousins showing up from Tampa to lend their support. It was needed as Patton had made sure he had plenty of supporters in the courtroom that kept trying to psych out the enemy. Reese would only be in the courtroom during her testimony, the rest of the time she spent at the hotel with her family.

They used the young, inexperienced and over ambitious card when it came to Reese. As for Amanda though they tried to use her family and mishaps against her and discredit her as someone who would do anything to keep her family name in the clear. Unlike Reese Amanda had none of her blood relatives in court but she had her family. Her squad closed rank around her.

Liv witnessed in her favor as well as a detective in Reese's rape case. Liv brought up successful cases that Amanda had help solve since she came to NY. She even brought up William Lewis, hadn't it been for Amanda he would've never gotten on their radar and even though Liv ended up hurt in the process it was still all worth it in the end as they'd gotten a vile, heinous rapist and murderer off the streets. Amanda had made that possible.

Liv made no attempts to cover up the gambling addiction, even mentioned it first just to get it out there. When Buchanan tried to make it sound like her addiction made her a liability for the police department Liv just answered calmly that Amanda had disclosed her addiction to their captain the moment it did become a _possible_ liability and that she'd immediately accepted the help that was offered to her to come to terms with her addiction.

Of course the relapse was brought up by the defense but Liv just played it cool, said we all have set backs in life and especially when fighting addictions, and that ever since the relapse her addiction had been under control. When Buchanan tried to push that falling off the wagon once might be an indication it could happen again Liv just rolled with it and suggested that detective Rollins addiction could be seen as a result, a consequence, of the fact a superior officer sexually harassed and raped her and now that it was out there she could finally overcome her addiction. Buchanan snapped to have that stricken since 'Sergeant Benson isn't a psychiatrist' but the jury had still heard her.

Fin was called as well. It got clear to him that Patton had in fact been the one outside Amanda's apartment building _that_ night and that had made her flee half way across the city. He put the pieces together as Patton's lawyer tried to make it sound like he and his partner in fact had a sexual relationship. That he'd spent nights at her apartment and vice versa. It had cost Fin some money to fix that scratch in his car but it was all worth it now seeing Patton's annoyed face and knowing he'd probably been so overwhelmed with jealousy that he'd stooped to childish methods. He was a pitiful excuse for a man.

It had been easy for Fin to fend of the accusation of a potential sexual relationship, it was simply not true. He told them his partner had felt stalked and he'd spent a few hours at her place keeping her company. It also gave him a way in to mention she had in fact been attacked by two men soon thereafter so she had in fact probably been right about someone following her.

As for any previous nights they might have spent in the same apartment it had just been as friends Fin stated. Buchanan pushed a little, as was expected, wanting to know if his partner had a habit of sleeping around as was the rumor back in Atlanta. Fin answered simply that it was not his assessment of his partner. He knew for a fact she had actually shot several of his buddies down as they tried to hook up with her, his friends had told him so.

Buchanan asked if maybe it had something to do with his race, that he didn't want to be rude but that maybe his partner shot him and his friends down because of blunt bigotry. Fin didn't bite though and just simply turned it around, asked if it wasn't Buchanan himself that was a racist for assuming all his friends were black. That was not the case and his partner was most definitely not a bigot.

Fin had no intention to bring Nick up and neither was Nick called so his name was never mentioned during the trial. Nate Davis was called though. Buchanan did his best to get it out there that Amanda had slept with her sponsor, someone that was in a way in a superior position at least within GA. Since it was of public records Nate couldn't deny it but he did all he could to not say anything more incriminating. He failed slightly though as he told about the encounter they had as Amanda fell off the wagon.

Liv, Fin and Nick all sat there as Nate told the court how he'd lent her money in an attempt to help her out in a perhaps unconventional but well-intentioned way. Of course Buchanan didn't leave it at that and dug until they learnt she'd slept with him again. Buchanan tried to sway it like she'd slept with him for money and it helped very little when Nate tried to deny it and stress that the two had a mutual attraction.

Nate got to redeem himself a little as Barba got the chance to cross-examine him. Barba knew that Nate was the first man Amanda had slept with after what happened in Atlanta. She hadn't admitted it easily in chambers but Barba was good at his job, read the signs and finally gotten there. She had after all given up only sleeping with two men since she came to New York.

Barba was glad Amanda wasn't in the courtroom as he pressed Nate for a few details about how they'd first gotten together. Amanda had told Barba she felt uncomfortable at first as she got together with Nate and Barba was a little pleased Nate seemed to have picked up on it. Nate told the court that he had to work hard to seduce her, almost to the point he'd thought about giving up. It wasn't anything he was proud of, his thirteen stepping, it had just gotten away from him, like a new addiction to replace the ones he was already recovering from. But he owned up to his undignified behavior since he knew it would benefit Amanda and he owed her that.

Nick sat in the gallery listening to Nate as he talked about Amanda's reluctance at first and her apprehension to go the distance. He felt the same discomfort as Liv and Fin felt, this was a private matter that Patton had forced to become public. Nick could see the smug grin on Patton's face. He was enjoying the public humiliation of Amanda way too much and Nick felt like punching him. He caught Liv glancing sideways at him and he eased the fist he realized that he'd clinched on his leg.

He'd tried to calm himself by taking a few deep but silent breaths and then forced himself to try and pay attention to what Nate was saying. But it was too uncomfortable and his thoughts wandered back to his own experiences with her. Their first time was a little blurry. They'd both been a little too drunk. Maybe it had been the wrong time but she'd been willing. He was sure she'd been willing.

There had been desire. Wild, steamy desire from both ends. Clothes had eagerly been shed, something had ripped, a button had been pulled and there had been a moment of spontaneous laughter that brought them apart for a while. But it had only been for a few seconds cause when they locked eyes again the desire took over quickly and the need to taste and breathe each other took over again and from what he recalled they hadn't let each other go after that until they both was in need of some space as their bodies came down from massive euphoria.

He couldn't help but smile at the memory. His head had been spinning, could've been because of the alcohol but he liked to think it was because of the rush. His entire body had tingled, his hard on starting to weaken because of the fact he'd just released himself inside of her. _Inside of her_. Looking over at her he had to reach out and touch her just to make sure it wasn't some wild and amazing dream. She'd been real. The skin on her upper arm so soft even with the slight coat of sweat covering her. He'd gone on to touch her hair, slightly damp as he got in further to her roots.

He'd fallen asleep while looking at her, his hand still entangled in her blonde curls. He'd woken up with his face buried in the back of her neck. The smell of her the first thing he acknowledge as he drew his first waken breath. And she'd smelled so good. Something raw, rough, with a hint of honey. Once he'd been able to focus his eyes he'd looked at a crease that had formed in the back of her neck the way she laid. That crease and the ruffled tresses that looked almost as soft as cotton at her hairline had been what he'd watched for several minutes as the rest of him started to wake up.

His arm had been draped over her, he was a little worried to move his hand, not knowing exactly where it rested. Getting a better sense of the room he realized Amanda was curled up at the very far end of the bed and he had followed her there. He was a little worried he'd chased her in their sleep, Maria had told him a few times that he crowded her in bed. It had been a while since he spent the night with a woman now and he could only imagine that his sleeping self might long for that companionship. Hell, his awaken self longed for that.

He'd been thankful there was a small void between their bodies as he started to feel a slight excitement growing down below as he thought of the night before. The way she'd tasted, how she'd felt under his touch, the way her insides had reacted to him entering her, the wetness, her warmth… He caught some air in the wrong pipe and had to cough which made her stir slightly. He tried to bite the cough down, wasn't ready for her to awake cause he just had a feeling there wouldn't be cuddling, probably no morning sex in prospect. Not that he knew if he was in any state to perform.

No, wrong on his account, he was definitely ready he realized as her stirring again caused her breast to brush up against the back of his hand. The bulb of it pressing against his skin as she sink her face in the pillow for a few seconds. The sheer thought of how her breast felt in his cupped hand, her erect nipple in his pinch and the sound it could produce from her mouth if he pinched it harder, pulled at multiple strings down below and when it looked as though she could roll back over he had to pull back, gathering some linen over his manhood and using his hand to push it down slightly.

She hadn't rolled over completely though, he'd gotten a sense the memories of the previous night had welled over her as she was about to and when reality hit she curled back up pulling the sheet closer to her chest. He'd whispered a morning, hoping to ease some of the embarrassment he imagined her feeling. She'd whispered one back and then it hadn't taken long until Frannie had pushed her way inside the bedroom, jumping up on the bed to spread smiles on both faces as the canine started to wag her tail.

Nick had felt an enormous sense of gratitude towards the dog for breaking the ice between them and he'd awarded her with plenty of rubs for it. Amanda had clutched the sheet to her chest all while she joined him in petting the dog. Once Frannie had gotten enough attention the awkward glances that went back and forth across the bed had made Amanda confess she'd been really drunk last night.

He'd helped her out by saying she wasn't the only one and they'd shared a slight chuckle. She'd been the next to speak, saying they should probably get going, she needed to take Frannie for a walk and he probably had to head home before shift started. She'd offered him to take a shower but he said he'd catch one at home. They'd been stuck there in bed for a while, none of them really ready to give up on the sheet but his chivalrousness finally won as he swopped holding the sheet in front of his lower parts to the pillow that had rested under his head previously.

He'd sat up, turned his back towards her slightly to give her the privacy to get herself up on her feet. Once he saw her sheet draped form standing by the bed out of the corner of his eye he turned back around trying to keep his eyes on hers and not down on the slits in the sheet that teased him with glimpses of her sweet skin. He'd seen her fight too, her eyes wanting to go down to his chest and maybe even further down.

Her cheeks had started to pink up as she'd finally said she was going to have a shower and suggested he might be able to let himself out. He'd nodded of course, yes he would let himself out. Okay good she'd answered as just a silent moment now felt awkward and she'd turned around making sure with a fumbling hand that the sheet was wrapped around her and didn't disclose any private parts of her body.

He hadn't been able to let her go with his eyes, the sight of her shoulder blades, her spine, and the memory of how they'd felt under his lips, his fingertips, as he'd taken an around-the-world tour of her body before they'd gotten down to business. She'd glanced back over her shoulder just as she'd closed the bathroom door behind her and caught him looking, the way she bit down on her lip once she did sending shivers through his entire body.

He'd gotten dressed as quickly as possible, Frannie not helping out by being around his legs constantly. She'd followed him out, looked at him with sad puppy eyes as he left her behind and it had made him feel guilty. Guilty for not taking her out on the walk she obviously was in desperate need of and guilty for bedding his partner. That just wasn't something he did, something one should do.

He had to stop at a gas station to use the bathroom and when his initial business was taken care of in the urinal he'd found himself jerking off inside that filthy restroom thinking about her and their escapades during the night. With a hand around himself and the other one planted against the greasy, stained wall he'd released himself with images of her etched to his corneas. He'd been so embarrassed and the uneasy feeling had followed him for days.

She'd obviously been feeling awkward too. None of them had mentioned what happened but none of them able to forget it either.

He'd tried to filthy it down, tried to brush it off like it was a one-time thing, just a quick fix after a stressful time for both of them. But he hadn't managed to. It hadn't been filthy. It had been a bit sloppy and fumbling, and probably not his best performance, because of the alcohol but they had both been satisfied, they had both gotten something out of it and after a few weeks of awkwardness they found themselves drawn back to each other.

A few weeks later it happened again, this time both sober, both a bit more self-conscious but very unwavering what they wanted and it had been just as great as the first time, perhaps even more so cause he'd felt really present. And after that it became regular, at least once a week, sometimes two, one week even three times. They'd never talked about what they were up to, it was like they both agreed it was something just between the two of them and nothing that could be public at work.

There had been times when he wanted more. When he'd watched her in secret, closing her eyes for a second next to him in his bed and he'd wished she would fall asleep so he could wake up next to her in the morning. Times when he'd tried to cuddle a bit but sensed her reluctance to have him too close. When he'd nestled in her hair, let his fingertips run over her breast just because he felt like exploring her a little when his immediate goal wasn't to release himself inside of her. _She really did have a problem with intimacy didn't she?_ He hadn't really reflected on it before, just figured that it was purely a sexual exchange they had, that it couldn't be more since they worked together. _Why hadn't he reflected over it more? Why hadn't he picked up the signs?_

As Nate walked down off the stand and passed their row Nick couldn't help but glare at him. He hoped that was the last he ever saw of the two-timer.

They sat through detective Tim Fellner's witness statement. He'd run in to Amanda as she ran down the stairs from Patton's office. She'd seemed a little distressed, pushed him away roughly as he tried to find out what was wrong. Buchanan had got Fellner to say that Amanda usually played rough though, that she perhaps in her attempts to fit in with the boys over did it at times.

Fellner had also heard the rumors that Amanda had slept with Patton as well as with their captain. He'd never gotten the offer himself though. Barba asked about what else he'd seen that night, about Patton humming in a very cheerful way only minutes after Amanda ran out close to franticly. Franticly being Barba´s description and of course something Buchanan objected to. Barba got Fellner to say that he'd never seen Amanda act promiscuous, she'd gotten drunk a few times but not by far as many times as he'd seen the other male detectives.

Former APD detective Eric Bevan also took the stand. Called by the prosecution but he'd since changed his story slightly, getting Liv and the gang to suspect Patton had gotten to him. Barba did his job though, agitated Bevan to make him spill more than he'd probably intended to. He'd gone upstairs, fetched the cups, heard _some_ noises from Patton's office. He seemed to have forgotten Amanda's distressed cries and Patton shouting. Instead there were noises resembling two people having sex, yes maybe a little on the rough side but nothing more than that.

Barba asked the judge to be able to treat him as a hostile witness and then it didn't take long until he'd gotten Bevan to say he had tried the door and why would he have tried the door if he wasn't a pervert wanting to lurk? He was no pervert, someone seemed in need of help in there and the door had been locked. Bevan realized his mistake, tried to avoid the glares coming from Patton while Barba pushed on.

Patton's shiny false image started to crack the moment Bevan blurted out the reason he hadn't tried to get through the locked door; _you knew better than to interrupt chief Patton_. There had been a muted murmur spread across the courtroom at that time and the judge had to ask the spectators to be quiet.

Sam had taken the stand after Bevan. Barba had first go as he was their witness and even though Sam didn't want to discredit Patton too much it still got obvious Amanda had been in a tough position at the APD. Women did have a harder time in APD, Sam didn't want to lie about that, and Patton ran the department with a firm hand. When he disciplined a detective, everyone stepped in line and Amanda took some heat. Sam had never put two and two together, that Amanda turning down Patton coincided with the times she'd been publically humiliated in the squad room. In open court Sam apologized to her for not making that connection sooner.

Buchanan came after Sam of course, brought up every mistake, every mishap, every oversight since Sam's days as beat cop. It wasn't much there though, he'd made some rookie mistakes but as a captain he'd run a rather good squad. How he'd missed Patton's abuse of power weigh heavy on him though. Buchanan then tried to get him through Amanda's sister, tried to make it sound as though Sam was the one helping Amanda get her sister in the clear. Sam simply answered though that he was aware of Amanda's sister getting of a little easier thanks to her connection to an APD detective but that Sam had nothing to do with that.

If he wanted to know what he however did have a hand in though he had plenty of Patton's wife's DIU's in his desk drawer, along with written evidence of Patton being the one asking Sam's help to get rid of them. It made Buchanan move off the subject quickly but Barba did redirect to just rub that little tidbit in Patton's face as well as the wife's who'd been sitting right behind him throughout the trial.

Buchanan made one final attempt to get to Sam by accusing him of sleeping with his former detective. There was no proof of that though Sam simply said and the reason there was none was because it never happened. He might have wanted it to happen but Amanda on the other hand did not and unlike some Sam knew to take a no as just that, a no. They had spent a night in the same hotel room during a conference but it was only because Amanda had seemed rattle and even though she hadn't said it Sam had connected it to Patton's presence. Buchanan tried to use that against Sam, poke a hole at the fact he previously mentioned he didn't think Patton had made such strong advances at his detective. It didn't work though and mostly had the outcome that Buchanan, and Patton, were grasping at straws to get out on the flip side.

The biggest surprise might have been Amanda's mother actually showing up. They'd learnt the day before she was taking the stand but even though Barba had pushed for Amanda to try and get in touch with her mother she had refused. As the petite woman sharing many features with Amanda entered the courtroom all eyes but Amanda's would be on her. Fin had caught Amanda putting her hands down, actually placing herself on them and he could only imagine it was to stop them from shaking and he'd instinctively moved a little closer to her just to be of some physical support in case she needed it.

Emily Rollins was called by the defense so Buchanan had the first round. He made a rather big show of the fact mrs Rollins was there testifying for the defense and not with the prosecution, which included her daughter. It would rather soon start to shift in disfavor for the defense though. Even though Emily didn't really have anything bad to say about Patton she said she couldn't vouch for his church charity activity, Emily had never ever seen him at those charities except for when the press was around.

She had nothing but good to say about Vivienne but then it slipped that those DUI's were public notion and everyone at some point struggled with their own personal demons. Barba tried to hide his amusement. He had a dislike for mrs Rollins but she _was_ entertaining on the stand. As Buchanan tried to get her to discredit her own daughter it got a little sad but again the defense failed their attempts to slander Amanda.

The things mrs Rollins disclosed, about the broken bottle over a man's head, threatening another one with a squirrel gun and taking a bat to a third abusive SOB that also put his hands on her daughters, only made the jury look to Amanda with sad and pitiful eyes. It got quite obvious she hadn't had the easiest childhood and that mrs Rollins wasn't an exemplary mother.

Amanda spent most of her mother's testimony looking down her own lap, getting worried looks from her squad mates. Barba didn't have to discredit Amanda's mother thankfully, she'd done a good enough job of that herself and Barba was able to just focus of what, if any, Emily knew about her daughter's love life. All she really had to say was that for being a tomboy her daughter was oddly shy in front of boys when it came to starting dating them. She blurted out that she even thought for a while her daughter was wired wrong there. Emily didn't even apologize for that offensive statement.

She said it took her daughter all the way to high school before she had her first boyfriend and Barba left it at that. After Emily's testimony the court took a recess and mother and daughter was reunited in a witness room. Liv and Fin were present for it and got to shake the older woman's hand. They both were a little resentful towards the woman but it would ease a little as Emily got talking.

After a hesitant and fleeting hug Emily had told her daughter that she hoped she did some good up on that stand. That she had figured if she showed what kind of mother she had been all those years ago then maybe it would be beneficial to the case, and to put that monster Patton behind bars where he belonged. Even Amanda was taken by surprise and fought to keep it together as her mother told her how sorry she was for what Amanda had to go through.

Keeping it together was something Amanda had tried to do during her own testimony as well. She couldn't remember a time she'd been that nervous. She hadn't been allowed to be present for Reese's testimony but she'd heard from Fin that Buchanan had gone after her pretty bad. That there had been tears and Barba needed to jump out of his seat every other second to object.

She'd managed to keep it together so well the days leading up to the trial though that Barba was even concerned she wouldn't come across sympathetic towards the jury. He didn't blame her but it was also important for him to win this case, for her sake mostly, and he knew how powerful showing emotions on the stand could be. He couldn't ask that of her though, he knew she had to get herself through it the way that was best for her.

Amanda had wanted to ask Liv and the others to stay clear but she'd never gotten around to actually say it out loud, she knew Fin would be disappointed if she asked him to stay away. He would do it but it would hurt him and it was the last thing she wanted to do after everything he'd done for her these past weeks. These past years. He'd been her rock, her only constant.

He'd stayed with her outside until she was called, opened the door for her but then let her walk in alone like he just knew that's what she needed to do. She'd tried to keep her eyes forward, avoid the glares from her former so-called friends from Atlanta, from Vivienne, the encouraging looks from her own squad, and just focus on Barba who stood on his side of the courtroom holding her eyes steady.

Accidently she'd peaked sideways at the jury once she'd passed Barba. She'd seen the pity in one young woman's eyes but then the suspicious look on the man beside her. He didn't believe her. She felt pity for her. Neither reaction were good. She realized she could tell the truth, she _was_ telling the truth but they might not believe her and if the jury came back discharging him after what she was about to do, that would crush her. That would be it. She would never _ever_ trust a single soul again.

"Miss," the magistrate had said, interrupting her thoughts. She somehow had made it up in the stand and she got sworn in by the magistrate. _She would tell the truth. They would have to believe her_.

Sitting on the stand it had been even harder to keep her eyes away from all the intrusive looks. Barba had told her to just keep focusing on him if she started to feel insecure. She had stubbornly and foolhardy said it wouldn't be necessary but from the moment she'd stepped in to the courtroom it was the only thing that she could grab on to. Whenever Barba had looked down in to his papers she'd felt apprehensive, dug her nail deeper in to her thigh and silently begged for him to look back up again so her eyes wouldn't stray elsewhere.

Even though she'd focused her eyes on Barba she'd been able to pick out Liv, Fin, Nick, Carisi, even Dodds in the blur behind Barba. Barba had to help her out a lot in the beginning, she felt nervous, close to panicky and voices in her head told her to flee. She didn't recognize herself. She felt lost, disconnected from who she thought herself to be. The cocky, determined woman life had formed her to be, to somehow strive best she was able to. It hadn't been easy to tell her story for Liv, or the second time for Dodds and it most definitely wasn't easy to tell it now.

The spectators started stirring early on and when she mentioned Patton drugging her, the crowd got lively to the point the judge had to bang his stick. It rattled Amanda, her eyes swayed the judge's way and then got stuck on Patton's smug grin. Barba had stepped up to her and called for her attention, told her to breathe and focus on him. Needing fuss made her feel weak. Patton again managed to make her feel weak.

Both Fin and Nick had hissed at the hounds across the aisle. Liv throwing angry looks across but at the same time trying to get Fin and Nick to settle, it wouldn't help Amanda if they started a shouting war while she was on the stand. Once the courtroom was quiet again the judge warned the spectators that he would accept no more outbursts or he would empty _his_ courtroom. He then apologized to Amanda and told Barba to go on.

The outburst, that displayed the obvious hatred towards her, along with the image of Patton's smug face made it hard for her to go on. She could feel her throat closing up and when she reached for her glass of water her hand was shaking evidently. Barba could tell, even the jury could tell, and if the outburst had been to add focus on any potential lie from Amanda it had the opposite effect now as the jury felt sorry for her.

When Barba finally got her going again he could tell the difference in her demeanor. Her eyes got glossy, her voice frailer and ever so often there was a shiver on her lower lip that made her embarrassed and feel even more self-conscious. Barba started to regret wishing she would lose her armor cause it was very painful to see her suffer this much. Her friends on the first row behind the prosecution's side started to stir a little as well, even Carisi had a hard time not letting Amanda's stress affect him.

Liv would never get used to hear Amanda's story and for the others it was the first time they heard the extent of it. Fin had started to feel sick to his stomach. Nick felt lightheaded as images he had of her removing her clothes, him helping to get them off even quicker, got mixed with imaginary images of the horrible events that took place in that office and his inner voice kept yelling at him that he should've known.

Somehow Amanda had managed to get through it all and then Barba asked for a recess before Buchanan had his turn. Barba figured she would need to breath and he wouldn't mind having a bit of pep-talk to prepare her a little. Liv and Fin stepped in to the witness room with them, while Nick and Carisi lingered outside. Fin got a bottle of water open for Amanda and handed it to her. He could tell she had trouble meeting his eyes and he'd given her a brief 'you did good up there' while Barba and Liv exchanged a few words.

Liv gave Amanda's arm a squeeze and gave her a smile when Amanda peeked up at her.

"Okay?" Liv had asked and Amanda had given her a brief nod.  
"You did really good," Barba piped in, "You remember what we talked about? What Buchanan most likely will pressure on?"

Amanda had given him a nod even though her mind was completely blank. The thought of going back in there didn't sit well with her, she wouldn't be able to focus her eyes on Barba, what would she look at then? Buchanan wasn't a favorite person even before this trial, he'd defended scumbags in the past as well. He had this annoying purple tie on today, the one with spots that she'd gladly use for target practice if she was allowed to.

Barba had kept talking, there was something about not letting Buchanan get to her, to not feel like she had to defend herself cause she had nothing to feel guilty about. Liv had seen that Amanda wasn't completely present and finally cut in that maybe they should let Amanda have a seat for a while. Barba had looked a little confounded but not objected and Fin pulled out a chair for Amanda who'd willingly sat down. She was detached enough to not even pick up on the slight fuss.

As they were getting ready to head back out Amanda had suddenly dashed for the trash bin in the corner of the room and emptied herself of that sick feeling that had haunted her since the stand. She got rid of it along with what little she had for breakfast that morning, those now decomposed pieces of chicken Fin had forced on her and some of the liquid that had still been in her gut. It felt a little better for a brief moment but then her senses came to and everything felt just as bad again, perhaps even worse since she now could taste the sickness.

Everyone had started stirring after Amanda flung herself across the room, knocking a chair over in the process and puked in the bin. Barba got anxious she was falling apart and wouldn't be able to continue, her entire statement tossed from the prosecution. Patton would walk, it couldn't happen. Fin had been by her side as fast as possible, holding her hair back and trying to get a reassurance she was okay and an answer if he could do anything to help her.

Liv had worried too but, again, she'd been the one who took control of the situation as Nick and Carisi pushed through the door after hearing the commotion and adding to the already chaotic scene. She'd loudly told everyone to calm the fuck down, immediately regretting the harsh language but not feeling so bad as she'd realized it had worked on everyone but Amanda who now had that vacant look across her face again.

She'd pointed to Nick and Carisi, told them to go back out, everything was fine. She turned to Barba next, told him to breath, to give her his handkerchief and then to go back in to the courtroom. She, along with Fin would bring Amanda in in just a sec. Oddly enough Barba was the first one that obeyed and it made Nick and Carisi follow suit. Liv then turned to Fin who was holding on to Amanda who was now retching slightly over the bin.

"Get the water," Liv had told him as she took over holding on to Amanda's hair.  
"Just try and breathe Amanda," she'd told the younger detective.

Liv put Barba's handkerchief down her pocket momentarily so she could gather Amanda's hair up and tie if with the elastic she had around her wrist. When she was done she rubbed up and down Amanda's spine and told her to have some of the water Fin had for her, to clean out her mouth, spit it out in the bin and then drink some of the nice, cool water. It would make her feel a little better.

Liv got Fin to grab a chair and she put Amanda on it once the dry heaving had stopped and she'd rinsed out her mouth. Liv took some water from the bottle and splashed it on the handkerchief only to then dab Amanda's face with it. Amanda let out an appreciative moan and closed her eyes.

"Feels good right," Liv had smiled and then let the wet cloth go down and around to Amanda's neck. She added a little more water on it and then took another lap around her face. Thankfully she hadn't gotten any vomit on herself so all Liv had to do was straighten her clothes a little and she was good to go. As soon as she'd been able to breathe a little more though. Liv didn't rush her, court just had to wait until they were ready.

Back in the courtroom Amanda had already clutched her fists, nails digging in to her palms, before Buchanan got to his feet. She tried to keep her eyes off him, looked at Barba and the familiar faces right behind him as long as she could but it had done nothing to calm her. Buchanan had walked up to her, kept his distance at first but positioned himself so that Patton was visible right behind him whenever he forced her to look the lawyer's way. The sick feeling in her gut started to creep back.

Just as Barba had warned her Buchanan tried to make it sound as Amanda had been the one willing to do anything to get her sister of any charges. He brought up the shooting of Kim's boyfriend and pressed on it being a fatal shooting. Barba objected, told the court it was ruled self-defense as the deceased had a weapon that he aimed at the detective even though she'd warned him and that she had done nothing wrong, been cleared of any charges.

She managed quite well in the beginning to answer his questions and rebut the false accusations. Barba helped out by objecting as Buchanan started to stray out of line. She'd known Buchanan would play dirty though and it didn't take long until he accused her of sleeping her way out of trouble. He brought up Nate, saying she slept with him to get off easy in the 12 step program and then again just to get money from him to pay off debts as she relapsed in to her addiction.

He made it sound as though she used sex to get out of trouble or as a bargain tool and Amanda's thoughts went back to that one time when she had in fact used it to bargain with. She'd started to feel even more nauseous as she recalled the look in Murphy's eyes when she'd made her offer, standing so close she could feel his breath on her face, her fingers clutched around his hand, her own heart still jumping out of her chest at the thought of losing her job, be sent to jail.

At that very moment, as she believed she would have to come true to her offer, she had not been able to believe anything could feel as repulsive. Not even being violated by Patton felt that repulsive. But right then and there in court she'd felt even worse. She'd felt on display, exposed, prepared to be ripped apart. Patton's desk rubbing against her spine, his grunting by her ear and that numbness spreading from her core to the rest of her body.

She hadn't even realized she'd bowed her head down but as she looked up she met Barba's eyes, both concern and anger displayed in them, his lips was moving and as the veil over her ears lifted she could hear him objecting. _Badgering the witness_, he kept repeating before the anger washed off his face quickly and he looked to Amanda with great concern across his face. While Buchanan exchanged a few heated words with the judge she took the time to take a few breaths. _She was in court. No one could hurt her here if she didn't let them. Not even Patton could get to her right now and it was at least a little reassuring. _

She'd managed to gather herself, even thought to herself that she'd done a pretty good job with the rest of Buchanan's ridiculous accusations and insinuations. Barba had taken the chance to redirect, give Amanda a chance to clarify some of the things Buchanan had brought up. Of course her intent hadn't been to kill her sister's boyfriend. Staying in a decoy outfit after hours to grab a drink with the guys at APD had not been her idea no. It had been forced by Patton as he'd refused to let someone drive her back to the station and no, she had not flaunted her various body parts at the guys but instead tried to cover herself up with a hoodie another detective had borrowed her.

When she was finally able to walk down off the stand her legs felt wobbly but she did her best to not come across as beat or defeated. Her OB-gyn record was admitted as evidence. Amanda couldn't believe a piece of paper like that would feel so intrusive, make her feel so exposed. The doctor had written down that the patient showed signs of tearing that caused a slight bleeding even five days after the alleged intercourse. The tearing, along with slight bruising on the inner thighs made the doctor suspicious but she'd written down that the patient, although a bit evasive, withheld she had _not_ been assaulted.

Even though Amanda felt embarrassed about it, and even though she'd told the doctor her injuries came from intercourse, it still went in line her story of years of tyranny and it was good evidence for the prosecution.

Ross Davis, one of Patton's thugs, took the stand to tell about Patton's involvement in the assault of Amanda. The defense had called Holt Brennan as well to witness against what Ross alleged and to say he had no involvement with Patton but of the two Ross definitely gave the most credible impression and Barba would call it a win for the prosecution.

Liv also managed to finally talk Angela Morris, one of Patton's earlier victims, to come testify. She wouldn't join the lawsuit but she told about the verbal abuse she had to endure during her years in APD, Patton's constant invites and the suggestive hints he would put in a good word for her sick son if only she let him get something in return. She did tell the court about the night Patton had brought dinner to her house and she'd woken up on the floor hours later feeling as though something had happened but with no recollection of exactly what. It did add to Patton's pattern of drugging his victims. Buchanan had tried to explain away the drugs in Reese's system by suggesting she'd done drugs to drown her sorrows of the, by Patton, broken affair. As for Amanda's experience Buchanan just said there was no evidence Patton had been the one that drugged her, that took her home, that undressed her. If that had even happened she had no one who collaborated her story. As for Patton having said he did it the second time, well there was just no proof of a second time either more than an OB-gyn report with Amanda admitting to intercourse.

All this Buchanan had repeated in his closing argument. He'd said Reese was a money hungry tramp having tried to sleep her way to success and then as the affair ended she'd stooped to accusing Patton of raping her. Amanda was nothing but a degenerate that had grown up with poor family values, described as someone who struggled with a bad addiction. An addiction that made her sleep with a sponsor to pay off debts and when she couldn't take the heat of what it meant to be a police detective in Atlanta she'd transferred out only to then shot and killed someone from her past when he followed her to New York. Patton was lucky to be alive Buchanan stated.

Barba brought up what he held for the truth, two women under Patton's supervision that he had violated, drugged and raped. They had a third woman who'd left the department after she suspected that she'd been raped as well. There was a long list of other women who'd left the department and Patton had one of the lowest statistics in the entire country of women in his department.

Barba pushed the fact that both detective Taymor and detective Rollins had clean records that came with only good recommendations. In fact Patton had never written down anything in their files about what he now accused them off, indolence, bad work ethic, promiscuousness, insubordination. None of that had ever been mentioned before. At the conference in early January Patton have been heard mentioning several times how much he missed Amanda down in Atlanta, what a valued member of his department she'd been.

"Had it all been just an act for Patton?" Barba asked the jury. Of course it had. Everything about him was an act, a façade so everyone would think he was this golden boy when he in fact was a corrupt and malicious monster. He'd preyed on his young, blonde protégés. Flagged them in, all of them of a certain type. He knew which type of women he wanted to surround himself with and he had the power and influence to make it happen. Once in his grip Patton had once again used his superiority, duped detective Reese Taymor, suppressed detective Amanda Rollins.

Engaged in unlawfully relations with Taymor, consensual yes but then as Taymor turned down invites after the affair had ended, and after Patton failed to lure Rollins to his hotel, he drugged Taymor and raped her in her hotel room. Patton had done that, the material evidence the prosecution had presented proved that. Proved that he was a rapist.

Barba then went on to talk about detective Rollins and what deputy chief Patton had made her endure during her years in the Atlanta PD. Amanda had been seated on the front row, flanked by Liv and Fin, Nick and Carisi on Liv's other side. She'd started to wish she'd made the same decision as Reese and stayed cleared. It was painful to listen to her own story, her own life, being referenced out loud in front of all those people. Listening to it like that Amanda didn't understand why she'd let him go on. Why she'd accepted being treated like that and part of her couldn't help but feel guilty for letting it escalate. _Surely she had some part in it, she should've known better. What sort of detective was she? _

As Barba had gestured her way, caught her eyes for a second and commended her bravery for speaking out as a fellow detective suffered the same fate as her Amanda hadn't been able to hold it in. A single tear ran down her cheek, she'd hurried to wipe it away but more had followed and she stirred uncomfortably getting both Fin and Liv's attention. Liv had handed her a napkin, she'd come prepared.

Liv had tried as subtle as possible to get her arm around Amanda and then just held on to her, knowing any more fuss might just upset or disturb her more. Fin had felt useless, not knowing what to do to hold his partner up. Nick had just tried to focus his eyes forward, putting an elbow in Carisi's side as he leaned forward to look at Amanda.

Barba ended his closing argument with a plead to the jury to put an end to chief Patton's tyranny, to make sure it ended here, today, not a moment too soon. To give detectives Taymor and Rollins the justice they so rightfully deserved and to send a message to Angela Morris and all the other detectives that had come and gone under Patton's charge that his conduct was not okay. Using your rank was not okay. Chief Patton's cruelty ended today.

The jury was excused after being given instructions on what to do next. It was rather late in the afternoon and Barba predicted they might not get a ruling today. Barba gave Amanda and her mother, as well as the rest of the squad access to his office in case they wanted to hang around but Amanda said she wanted to head out of there, maybe do some work. Liv shook her head though, no more work today she said gently.

Amanda's mother had suggested she come see her hotel room, Emily wasn't sure how long she would be able to stay put now that she'd more or less witnessed against Patton and Vivienne probably wouldn't cash up any more money. Nick offered to drive them even before Amanda had made up her mind. Fin stepped in and told him he got them though. Liv told Amanda maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. Media, nosey reporters had snooped around her apartment ever since the trial started and names started circulating. This way she wouldn't have to bother with them just now.

Amanda finally agreed and Liv promised to call the minute the jury came back and if or when they called it a night. Fin said he would stay with her and it made Liv a little calmer as she still wasn't sure about Amanda's mom. After they'd left the rest stayed put for a while discussing how the trial and closing arguments had gone. Barba wished he would feel more secure with the outcome but he was nervous, the stakes were high.

Fin waited in the lobby at the hotel to give Amanda some time alone with her mom. He'd reassured he would see them in a little while though as he'd invited them to dinner at the hotel's restaurant. His treat and Emily hadn't been late to accept the invite for both herself and her daughter. They'd been in the restaurant when Liv called Fin to let them know the jury was coming back in. Amanda was happy she hadn't eaten much as what little she had in her threaten to come back up again.

Media was swarming outside the courthouse and Fin didn't have time to get access to the courthouse parking. Liv, Nick and Carisi all came out to meet them and protect Amanda as they had to push through the reporters. Fin made sure he and Amanda's mom got inside as well. As they waited for the jury Amanda moved around nervously on the hard bench.

"Maybe I shouldn't be here," she whispered as the looks from the other side of the gallery was getting to her.

Amanda's mom had a seat a few rows further up this time, sitting behind Amanda and she'd placed a warm hand on her daughter's back.

"You'll be fine," Liv reassured her.

Reese and her family suddenly emerged and Nick and Carisi moved back to let Reese, her mother and sister have seats on the front row. The rest of her family squeezed in on the row behind, sharing it with Amanda's mother. Reese and Amanda exchanged glances, both trying to smile at each other at this stressful time. They got interrupted by the door to the jury room opening.

The judge talked for a while, something about the procedure and that he wouldn't allow any emotional outbursts once the ruling was read, Amanda wasn't really paying attention. She kept trying to look at the jury, wanted to know if they believed her or not. They weren't looking her way though, not Patton's way either so she had no idea what they were thinking.

"I…" Amanda breathed Liv's way but couldn't form any other words, wasn't really sure what she'd wanted to say either.  
"You'll be fine," Liv repeated calmly, "He's guilty, _we_ know it."

Amanda tried taking a few deep breaths. There was just no going back. If he was found not guilty that might be it for her, no more career to talk about. Everyone would glare at her, suspect her to cry rape if they even came near her. She knew how it worked. She would be finished. If he was found guilty… the glares would still be there. A guilty verdict might not change anything for her and the thought scared her.

She had to focus, the judge had asked the jury foreman for their verdict and the older woman got to her feet. For the next few minutes Amanda felt as though she was in a bubble. She was wrapped in an invisible but a very, to her, tangible shield. She heard everything that was said but it came to her in just the right tempo, in the perfect volume for her to feel safe and protected. She couldn't fully grasp what was said though.

She could hear the outcry in the distance, the disappointment, the cheers. She had heard the verdict but still couldn't really take it in. It wasn't until Barba stood up, fist going up in the air a little and as he turned back towards her with that silly winning grin of his that she realized what had just happened.

Guilty on all charges. On every single one of them. _Guilty_.

The barrier rinse off her just like that and she got aware that both Fin and Liv were on their feet. Liv rubbing the back of Amanda's shoulder as she at the same time reached over and gave Barba a high five. _A high five?_ That felt like a strange thing for them to do but it did melt Amanda's heart. Looking sideways she spotted Reese surrounded by her family, all of them hugging her and tears coming out of Reese's eyes.

When Amanda turned her head slightly more she could see everyone behind her were on their feet as well. All but Nick. He was still seated. Looked a little stunned but relief mixed in there too. He gave her a sweet smile and she tried her best to replicate it just before she felt her mother's familiar hand on the back of her head. This time it didn't slap her though, it was soft, almost caring.

"You did it honey, you got him," her mom said in to her ear as she leaned in to kiss her cheek. Amanda felt herself get pulled up on her feet. Liv was the first one to give her a hug, Fin next and Barba looked as he wanted to hug her as well but instead he wrapped her hand with both of his and gave her a grin that made the corner of his eyes glimmer with moist.

Amanda heard the upset murmur from across the aisle but she didn't look that way. The last thing she wanted to see right now was Patton's ugly mug. _This was good_. She didn't know what sentence he would get, the judge had probably said when he would return with the sentence but it had been lost to Amanda as she drifted in to that alternate state. She didn't care though. Patton wouldn't get the sentence he deserved, those scumbags never did but right now that wasn't important.

What was important right now was that he was found guilty. _Guilty_. And Amanda couldn't believe just how relieved she felt.

**Five days had passed** since the guilty verdict. Liv, Fin, Nick and Carisi had felt like celebrating once the verdict came in but seeing the relief on Amanda's face, in her whole demeanor, was reward enough. It was such a relief for everyone. Barba realized just how much he'd put in to this particular case and hearing Amanda whisper a silent thank you felt like one of his biggest rewards in his entire career.

Reese was returning with her family to Tampa as soon as humanly possible, Liv and Amanda got a chance to talk to her briefly right after the trial though. Liv felt a tug at her heart as she heard an ashamed Amanda apologizing for not reporting Patton immediately but Reese had just hugged her, Amanda managing to stay still in her arms for the few seconds the hug lasted. Liv said goodbye to Reese and told her to not give up her dreams of being a detective if it was still what her heart desired. Patton did not deserve the right to stop her from pursuing her dreams, whatever that dream might be.

Liv managed to talk the others in to having a drink at a nearby bar and they sneaked out through a side door to get around the vultures outside with their questions and intrusive cameras. Barba stayed only for a single Snakebite before he headed home to maybe cut one of those expensive Cuban cigars he was saving for a better day. And maybe, just maybe he'd book that cruise he'd been eyeing for a while now. The last thing he did, after gotten a hug from Liv and several back pats from the rest of her squad, was to shake hands with Amanda and he told her he couldn't wait to win more cases with her in the future.

Dodds hadn't joined them as he'd managed to get on Liv's bad side right before the verdict fell. He'd informed her that either way the verdict fell Amanda had to be disciplined for not reporting the crime all those years ago and his recommendation was a two weeks suspension. Liv got outraged but of course Dodds had delivered the news in a forum that didn't allow her to express that outrage. She said she would take it up with 1PP though, there was no way she would allow her detective to be punished for the bravery even though it came late.

Dodds said the orders came from 1PP and that if she fought it her detective might get in even more trouble. Liv wasn't sure she could trust Dodds but she didn't want to risk anything. She would inform Amanda the next day as she visited her apartment before shift was supposed to start. She told Amanda she would fight it if the detective wanted her to but Amanda asked her not to, better just leave it alone. Liv felt really bad for having to give her that news at a time when they should still be celebrating the win.

The rest of the squad got even more outraged once they found out. Fin threaten to walk out if they punished Amanda that way, Liv managed to talk them all down though. She let them know Amanda had taken the news rather well and didn't mind some time off. She would have someone to keep her company after all.

Amanda's mother had joined them at the bar. Liv had seen Amanda's eyes watching what her mother drank and since she recognized the behavior from her own relationship with her mother she wondered if there was some substance abuse in the mother's past, or perhaps even present. Emily Rollins kept a low profile though, keeping the drinking light. She exchanged some words with Nick and Carisi over by the bar before Amanda managed to get her alone for a while.

Liv kept her eye on them over at a table in one of the corners. It looked civil and Liv even caught Amanda smiling slightly a few times, something she hadn't done much of these past few weeks. Her mother had again expressed a slight worry Vivienne, who'd paid for her hotel so far, would stop housing her and she really didn't have enough money to find another hotel. She joked that she was at least thankful Vivienne had bought her an open return ticket home.

Amanda tried to separate the mixed emotions she had towards her mother. She felt a little obliged to her mother, in a way she'd come through in a way she'd never really come through when Amanda was younger. This was her mother's first time in the big city, she'd never been big on travelling too far away from home. As far as Amanda knew Florida had been the furthest her mom had ever been. And now she was here, she was still sipping the same drink as when they first arrived and Amanda started longing for a connection they'd just never had. Emily even expressed a need to help her daughter out in whatever way her daughter would allow her. So Amanda opened up her door for her mother.

Fin felt a little disappointed to learn Amanda was leaving and that her mother would come home with her. He'd expected to stay at least another night watching over her, making sure she was okay and find that Amanda could finally get a peaceful night's sleep now that her tormenter was behind bars. But part of him was happy that Amanda's mom seemed so keen to take care of her daughter, it was about damn time. Amanda looked a little uncomfortable having her mother wipe a strand of hair behind her ear and fuss a little over her but he could also see that little girl longing for her mother's care so he was happy for her.

Nick was also a little disappointed seeing Amanda leave so quickly. He hadn't been able to exchange a single word with her after the ruling and there was so much he wanted to express but didn't know how to. He hoped he would get a chance tomorrow but he didn't know yet she would be on suspension for two whole weeks.

Before Amanda headed out Liv told her to take tomorrow off, spend it with her mother. She asked if she could stop by in the morning, she had some things she wanted to talk to her about but didn't feel like bringing it right now. It was the suspension that she was most eager to talk about but this didn't feel like the place to do it.

Liv had hoped to still come to some settlement with 1PP, punishing Amanda now felt wrong for many reasons. The suspension was settled though, 1PP demanded at least a slight reprimand because of the failed duty to report a crime. Amanda took the news better than Liv had expected. She told Liv to not stress about it, some time off would probably do her good and since her mom was here… it was all good. Liv didn't like leaving her like that, she wanted to talk to her about seeing a psychiatrist, about getting counseling and to make sure she kept up with her GA meetings as well. This was still a stressful time, she needed support.

**So five days passed**. Fin checked in by calling her up at one point and he sent two texts. Amanda answered that things were okay, they could catch a beer but maybe once her suspension was over? Nick didn't dare to either call or text. Liv was planning to call, she had no intention to let two weeks pass without any contact but she hadn't gotten around to it yet.

Fin had already headed home when his phone started to buzz. He didn't recognize the number in the display and had a suspicious look over his face as he answered.

Liv had just shut her computer off and was getting her coat on to head home to Noah and Lucy when her phone buzzed.

"Fin?" she answered after having seen his name on her display.  
"Hi, you home?" he asked, his stressed and serious tone immediately got her on alert.  
"Not yet, what's going on?" she asked stopping what she was doing to pay attention to the voice on the other line. All she heard was Fin sigh though.

"Fin, what's wrong?" she asked getting an uneasy feeling in her gut.  
"Maybe nothing," he said, "TARU is hassling me, my guy isn't working and they won't let me trace her phone without my superior signing off on it."  
"Her? Amanda's?" Liv guessed.  
"Yeah," Fin sighed.  
"Why do you need to trace her phone?" Liv asked concerned.  
"Her neighbor, the one who takes Frannie at times, called me up. She was supposed to pick Frannie up hours ago but she still hasn't showed up and she isn't answering her phone. He says she's always called when she can't pick up her dog."  
"What about her mom? She's not around either?" Liv asked.  
"No, no one's answering her door and her neighbor has not seen her mother around _at all_," Fin said with a groan.

He should've made a better job of making sure Amanda was doing okay. Liv sighed.

"Okay, you go take care of Frannie and I'll take Amanda," Liv said. Fin let out a disapproving sound.  
"That's the way we're going to do it okay," Liv said determent though.  
"Okay, but you call if you can't find her? _And_ if you find her," Fin said and didn't hang up until Liv had promised him that.

Since she was already at the station she went downstairs to TARU and she had no problem getting them to trace Amanda's phone. The tech guy set Liv's phone up with a locating signal and off she went. Unfortunately she hadn't taken her car this morning, Lucy had needed it to take Noah to a simple check-up at the hospital, so Liv flagged down a cab. She showed the driver the signal and he seemed to enjoy going on a hunt.

Thirty minutes later Liv sent the cab off and found herself standing outside a bar far away from Amanda's part of the city. Liv peeked in through the big glass windows and spotted Amanda's back at a table with several other people. Liv got Fin on the phone.

"I got her, she's okay," Liv said.  
"Yeah? Great," Fin said with big relief, "You want me to come pick her up? I'm at her place now, with Frannie, used my spare key."  
"No, I'll take care of her," Liv said, "Any sign of her mother?"  
"No," Fin grunted, "There are no suitcases here, I don't think she's here any longer."

He looked around the living room. He'd checked every square of her apartment, he was dead certain Amanda's mother had left already. Her bed was partly made, bedroom clean except for the stacks of books being pulled back out on the floor. He found her favorite book out on the living room table and he felt guilty for not taking it with him as she'd asked him to read it.

Some bedspreads were on the couch, it looked as though she'd camped out on the couch for several nights. There were glasses on the table, a plate with a partly eaten sandwich, an empty box of tissues and over by the window a pack of smokes, a lighter and a used ashtray. The kitchen had some dishes in the sink but otherwise looked clean and, he had a look, her fridge was almost completely empty.

Frannie seemed in good condition though, well taken care off, and he hoped by the end of the night he would be able to make sure for himself that her owner was in good condition as well.

Liv stepped inside the bar, the warmth from inside a welcomed gift on Liv's chilled cheeks from only a minute or two outside. She immediately caught the sound of Amanda's clinging, loud laughter and Liv couldn't help but smile, her laugh was really contagious. Liv kept her eyes on Amanda's back as she approached. Her hair was out, flowing down over a white cable knit sweater, her jacket hanging on the back of her chair along with a scarf. Her beanie had fallen to the floor.

Liv didn't recognize any of the other people around the table, they looked around their mid-twenties, four guys, one girl, all rather hip looking for some reason Liv couldn't put her finger on. They were all smiling, some laughing along with Amanda. The rest of the bar was rather deserted, only a few people over by the bar, the rest of the tables were empty but judging by the numerous bottles and glasses on the table Amanda was at, their company was drinking enough to keep the bar afloat tonight.

Liv leaned down to pick up the beanie and when she came back up she'd caught the attention of Amanda's company. It took Amanda a while to catch on though and Liv could tell she was rather intoxicated the moment their eyes met. Amanda froze for a mere second, a flash of shock and perhaps feeling a little busted washed over her face before it broke out in a cheeky smile.

"Oh…" Amanda started turning slightly back to her companions, "This is… my colleague."

Liv was greeted with five rather rowdy hello's in different versions and Liv shot them a 'good evening' along with a smile and a slight wave with one hand.

"So you a dental hygienist too or maybe a dentist?" one of the guys asked.  
"Huh?" Liv asked a bit taken aback.  
"Dental hygienist or dentist? At the practice," the guy asked giving her a peculiar look.

Amanda looked back over her shoulder, her grin even cheekier as she waited for Liv to answer.

"A dentist?" Liv answered a bit hesitant.

Amanda started chuckling and Liv couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah definitely a dentist," Amanda laughed as she downed the rest of her drink.

As soon as the liquid had disappeared down her throat she kept going though.

"And the best… like a frickin best dentist," Amanda mused with a slur, her syntax slightly off, "Cavities fixed like that…"

Amanda tried to snap her fingers but failed. Tried one more time but when she was unsuccessful she just moved on.

"We've been discussing the serious cavity problem here in the city," Amanda said turning a little bit more on the chair as it was directed at Liv.  
"Brad here has a serious cavity problem," Amanda said pointing across the table at one of the guys.  
"Brett," the guy across the table corrected Amanda for what seemed to be not the first time.

He looked to Liv since Amanda's attention was already elsewhere, her hand had gone up in the air to get the waiter to come over with another drink.

"Hey, I think we have to head out now though," Liv said to Amanda, "we got a busy day with cavities tomorrow."  
"Busting cavities," Amanda chuckled as she leaned back down against the table.

The waiter came over with a glass that he placed in front of Amanda.

"What does she owe? If I can pay," Liv said digging down in to her bag to get some money out.  
"Oh no don't worry about it, we got it," a guy that wasn't Brett said, "she paid our first rounds so we're more than square."

The guy gave the waiter an affirmative nod and he took off.

"Sure?" Liv asked and the guy gave her another nod.  
"Hate to see her go though, she's been very entertaining," the guy smiled kindly.  
"Yes I can be very entertaining can't I," Amanda said after putting down her glass.

Liv was a little happy she hadn't downed the entire glass yet, she seemed to be drunk enough. Liv started to help her up out of the chair and she kept her hands on her as she could feel how unsteady Amanda was on her feet. Liv felt a little relieved she had shown up when she did, she really couldn't see Amanda making it home on her even now and even though the gang she was with seemed like good people you just never knew. And something must've made Amanda start to drink at some point so for that reason also Liv was happy she was there.

They said their goodbyes, Amanda thanking the group for being such awesome patients and to value their dentists from now on. Liv tried to pack her arms in a little as she'd already knocked a candlestick down with her sweeping gestures.

"Night guys," Liv said sending the gang off with one final nod as she got Amanda out of there. Amanda stumbled the very first step she took outside but Liv was right there to keep her on her feet.

"Okay let's get this on you, it's cold," Liv said putting the beanie on Amanda's head before rearranging her scarf so she could close her jacket all the way up.  
"Those guys were really funny," Amanda said gesturing inside, "and kind. Total sweethearts."  
"I bet," Liv smiled, "you have some gloves? It's getting really cold."

Liv said feeling around in Amanda's jacket pockets.

"I might, I dunno," Amanda mumbled and did nothing to help even though that had been her intent. She started to sway backwards in her attempts to look down her own pockets and Liv grabbed a hold of her jacket the moment before she tipped backwards.

"Wow," Liv said struggling a little to keep her upright.  
"Okay let's just get a cab," Liv said.

She could tell Amanda tried to straighten up a little but wasn't really able to, like that state when you know you were embarrassing yourself but you were just too drunk to stop the behavior. Liv tucked some of Amanda's hair back and pulled down her beanie slightly. She gave Amanda a smile when she was finally able to snag her eyes for a brief moment.

"I'm fine," Amanda whispered slightly.  
"Yes you are," Liv agreed, touched Amanda's cheek briefly before she looked out on the street to see if she could find them a cab.

She held a steady grip on Amanda's arm, even standing still Amanda swayed slightly. Liv spotted a cab and put up her arm hoping she wouldn't have to go out further in to the street as she felt a need to hold on to Amanda. Thankfully the cab drove in by the curb and the driver leaned back to help Liv open the back door.

"Thanks," Liv said as she tried to fold Amanda inside. The perks of having been a beat cop meant you could quite easily get a drunk and disorderly person folded in to a backseat, and in this case the subject was merely drunk. Liv got the door closed and then rushed around the cab to get in on the other side.

"Phew," Liv said as she sunk in to the seat and closed the door behind her. She met the cab driver's smiling eyes in the back mirror as he took off. There was no way he could've missed the fact one of the passengers were well over tipsy. Liv leaned over to get Amanda to sit up slightly but she just couldn't bother with the seat belt right now.

"Where to ma'am?" the driver asked and Liv gave him her home address.  
"No wait," Amanda mumbled as she finally tried to help out to sit up, "I don't think that's where I live? It's not where I live, I think."  
"No, it's where _I_ live," Liv said as she sat back in her own seat.  
"Oh no," Amanda said with a chuckle coming up her throat but when it seemed to dawn on her Liv was in fact taking her to her place and not home Amanda quiet down.

"I… That's not… I should, go home," Amanda blurted out as she sat up and grabbed for the door.  
"Woah no Amanda," Liv said reaching over.

The cab driver had slowed down slightly and watched attentively until he knew Liv had control of the situation. Liv had scooted over closer to Amanda and pulled her arms with her down in her own lap as she decided to just sit put. She gave the driver a nod to let him know she had it handled.

"No I really don't think this is a good idea," Amanda mumbled a little distressed.  
"But it is," Liv reassured, "You'll get some sleep and I'll rest easier knowing you're safe and sound."  
"But you have a baby," Amanda complained, "A baby should not be around… I mean I should not be around a baby."  
"Well I'm the baby's mother…" Liv started but got interrupted.

"You're the mother," Amanda smiled and it spread to Liv's face.  
"You're a mother," Amanda mused and it made Liv feel really good. She still buzzed whenever she got to call herself, or someone called her Noah's mother. It was a gift she never thought she would experience.

"Yes I'm a mother, I'm the mother and I say its okay for you to be around _my_ baby," Liv finally managed to say once she had a grip on her voice.  
"You're a great mother," Amanda said. She'd somehow sneaked one of her hands out of Liv's grip and now her hand landed, a little sloppily but still caring on Liv's cheek.

"A great mother," she repeated while holding Liv's cheek.  
"I do my best," Liv said with a smile.  
"You do great," Amanda slurred a bit as her eyes turned outwards, "Don't ever make him feel bad for having dreams and goals though, just don't do that to her."

Liv watched what little she could see of Amanda's face. Her hand was still on Liv's face but drifted a little over her eye and nose so Liv grabbed a hold of it before she got her eye poked out and brought it down between her own. She could feel Amanda's hand was a little cold and she tried warming both her hands a little by rubbing them gently.

"Where's your mother Amanda?" Liv asked carefully while watching her.  
"Amanda?" Liv called for her attention when she didn't answer.  
"Where's your mother?" she asked once Amanda had turned her head to look at her. A smile spread over Amanda's face as she turned her head away again.

"Your guess is as good as mine, back in Atlanta probably," Amanda said with a slight chuckle that quickly died though.  
"When did she leave?" Liv asked.  
"As soon as it wasn't as much fun to tend to her fucked up daughter behind closed doors," Amanda said while trying to smile, "Maybe when I wouldn't do an interview with this tabloid and she wouldn't get all that big bucks they promised her if she could convince me. Maybe she left then."

"I'm sorry Amanda," Liv said stroking her hands tenderly.  
"Oh don't be," Amanda said glancing over briefly, "it was nice, the five minutes it lasted were nice."  
"Really nice," Amanda mumbled as she turned away again.

Liv wasn't sure what to say and just kept rubbing Amanda's hands to try and get them warm. Amanda had leaned her head against the car window and suddenly she mumbled something.

"What's that?" Liv asked since she couldn't make it out.  
"Your city is beautiful at night," Amanda said a little clearer.  
"It's your city too Amanda," Liv said but Amanda didn't seem to hear her as she mused on.  
"The lights, the people, the vibe. So much color and life. All hours of the day."

Liv looked out at what Amanda was looking at, it _was_ really beautiful.

"You don't have Atlanta beat at day time but at night… not even a comparison," Amanda whispered.

For the rest of the ride no one said anything. Liv kept her eyes on Amanda, every now and then her eyes went out at the road but they always ended up right back at Amanda. Liv saw the lights of the street reflecting in Amanda's mesmerized eye. As they came closer to Liv's apartment the lights got a little sparser, Amanda's face resting against the window in darkness mostly.

"Okay, c'mon," Liv had to coax once the cab had stopped. Amanda was quiet on the way up. She needed even more help keeping upright now, those last drinks taking full effect and Liv had a little problem getting her attention. Liv even stopped outside the elevator once they reached her floor, propped Amanda up against the wall and had a closer look at her eyes, touching her face to make sure her skin wasn't clammy or anything.

"Are you okay Amanda?" she asked as she tried to check her pulse by putting her fingers against the vein in her neck. Amanda tried to pull away, tried shoving Liv's hand away.

"I shouldn't be here," Amanda mumbled.  
"I _want_ you to be here," Liv said and pulled her off the wall and with her towards her door to not give her a chance to leave.

Liv had to get an even tighter grip around her as Amanda stumbled on her own feet. It made Amanda start to chuckle and once she started she couldn't really stop. She felt really stupid for being so drunk and really nervous about being around Liv in that state. She was afraid of saying something stupid, or saying something honest perhaps but right now all that nervousness came out through laughter.

Liv couldn't help but smile as she used her key in the door while holding a steady grip on Amanda's jacket. Once she pulled Amanda inside Liv spotted Lucy walking up to the door, her face immediately dropping slightly as she spotted the unexpected visitor.

"Hi Lucy," Liv smiled but then turned to Amanda, "Okay you got to be a little quiet now."

Amanda tried to wise up but it was hopeless, she did manage to subdue her laughter though, only small giggles escaping her throat as Liv helped her get inside. Liv managed to get her jacket off before she sat Amanda down on the couch.

"I can stay… if you need me…" Lucy said hesitant to Liv as she kept a watchful eye on Amanda.  
"No, we'll be fine but thank you Lucy," Liv said pulling the beanie off Amanda's head before she kneeled down to get the boots of her.  
"You could help me get his crib in to my room though," Liv said thinking of putting Amanda in the spare bed Lucy sometimes used.

Liv told Amanda to just stay put before walking down the hall with Lucy to rearrange the sleeping arrangements for the night. Noah stayed fast asleep as they carried him along with the crib across the hall.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Lucy whispered as they put the crib in Liv's bedroom. Liv just shook her head at the young woman, trying to not get annoyed at her slightly overbearing behavior. Liv gave Noah a kiss on his forehead and then walked down to tend to her other ward for the night.

Liv sent Lucy off and then came back to have a seat next to Amanda. Liv was a little surprised Amanda had kept awake, her eyes almost crossed as she tried to focus them on Liv.

"Do you want something to eat?" Liv asked but Amanda's head wobbled like a negative, "To drink? I'm only offering water or milk though," Liv smiled but got the same vague wobble.  
"So sleep it is then," Liv said.

Amanda's face crumbled a little but Liv figured it was just about the party being over.

"Okay, c'mon let's get you to bed," Liv said and grabbed a hold of her arm.  
"No, I nah," Amanda's protest made not much sense as there were mostly mumbles.  
"Sleep will do you good Amanda," Liv withheld and with some effort got Amanda up on her feet.

Amanda didn't have much strength to object as she had to focus on just remaining upright, falling over would be too humiliating, and they got half way down the corridor. Amanda started to feel a little sick though, her throat felt like it was closing up and she wasn't sure if it was caused by the alcohol or something else. She pulled her arm out of Liv's grip and fell back with her back against the wall.

"Amanda," Liv said a little shocked, "What's going on? You feel sick?"

Liv put her hand on Amanda's forehead, sensing her skin would be clammy and she was right. Liv stroke away her bangs a little as it had stuck to her forehead. Amanda tried to shy away from her hand.

"Amanda what's going on?" Liv asked with concern in her voice.  
"I don't wanna…" Amanda breathed heavily but couldn't finish the sentence.

She'd turned her head back around but now threw an anxious look down towards the bedrooms. Liv followed her eyes down the hallway, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Amanda I'm bringing you to Noah's room, to the spare bedroom. It's just to sleep okay?" Liv said suddenly worrying that Amanda thought she was going to take advantage of her. Amanda shook her head though, still seeming a little agitated but jaded by the alcohol.

"No, I just don't wanna…" Amanda again couldn't finish her sentence.  
"What don't you want to do Amanda? You can tell me," Liv said trying to keep her distance but it was hard as all she wanted to do was to hug Amanda and tell her everything was going to be okay.

"I just wanna go home," Amanda mumbled.  
"I get that but we can't right now okay? Noah's sleeping and I really don't want you to be alone right now," Liv tried to explain.  
"But I want to be alone," Amanda mumbled, "I can't sleep… here, I can't… I don't… sleep… well."

She wasn't making much sense but Liv was skilled enough to connect the dots. She touched Amanda's arm gently.

"Amanda are you having trouble sleeping?" Liv asked carefully. Amanda didn't have to nod, her face gave Liv the answer.  
"Do you have nightmares?" Liv asked and again Amanda tried to hide her face from Liv.  
"Don't worry about it Amanda, it's normal, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Liv tried but Amanda still looked stressed, "You can close the door if you want to but you don't have to, I'll be right across the hallway and I want to help if I can Amanda."

Amanda looked as though she tried to press herself further back against the wall, her hands almost trying to grab on to the wall. Liv felt insufficient, wanted to do more than just to stand there and watch her young detective in such obvious torment. But she wouldn't push and just gave her time.

"C'mon," Liv said calmly once Amanda seemed to have calmed down slightly. Liv grabbed a hold of the younger woman's waist and pulled her along.  
"I'm really drunk," Amanda mumbled and Liv gave her a smile, "Don't listen to anything I have to say. I'm talking nonsense."  
"I've never heard you talk nonsense," Liv said at Amanda's attempt to cover up what had just been said, "And I want you to be able to tell me anything."

Liv brought Amanda inside the bathroom first and told her to have a seat on the toilet.

"I'm going to get you something to sleep in okay? Just stay put for a while," Liv said, made sure Amanda sat steady and then hurried in to her bedroom.

She dug out a tee and a pair of lounge pants from her drawer, threw Noah a look to make sure he was still fast asleep and then hurried back to the bathroom. Liv found Amanda trying to reach over towards the sink and she looked seconds from tipping over.

"Woha," Liv burst out and rushed to her. She got a hold of her before she fell over and Liv got down on her knees in front of Amanda as she steadied her back up.  
"I feel a little sick," Amanda said, swallowing hard.  
"I bet you do," Liv whispered and grabbed for a towel that she got wet under the water tap all while staying on her knees with one hand holding Amanda up. She used the towel to stroke back the hair from Amanda's face and by the looks of it the wet towel felt nice against her clammy skin. Liv smiled at being able to give Amanda just a slight relief.

"Let's get you out of this warm sweater," Liv suggested and let Amanda take over the towel. Liv held on to the top underneath as she slowly started to pull the sweater up. With a little effort she managed to pull it over Amanda's head and then discard of it completely.

"Okay so I brought these for you to sleep in," Liv said and reached for the garments she'd dropped on the floor as she rushed in, "You think you can get in to them on your own?"

Liv looked a little doubtful as Amanda nodded but she would just have to trust her.

"Maybe use the toilet too," Liv suggested, "We'll save the shower for tomorrow when you're a little steadier on your feet okay? I'll be right outside and don't be too foolish or stubborn to ask for help, I don't mind Amanda."

Liv reluctantly pulled herself towards the door after she'd handed Amanda a new toothbrush that she hoped would not end up as a lethal weapon in Amanda's drunken grip. She repeated the offer to help her out and that she would be right outside the door if she wanted that help. Liv closed the door between them and was then left standing with her palms against the wood, looking at the door as she tried to listen for any sounds inside.

It took a while but then she thought she heard some movement in there. She tried to not worry too much and forced herself to take a step back and leaned against the wall next to the door. She kept checking her watch and it took ten minutes but then she finally heard the toilet flush. The water started running soon thereafter. Then it didn't take long until there was a rumble though, sounded like items fell to the floor and Liv knocked on the door.

"Amanda are you okay?" she asked reluctant to just burst inside but when she didn't get an answer she still did. Amanda was sitting on the middle of the floor, some of Noah's water toys spilled out of the basket by the tub.

"Are you okay?" Liv said getting down by her side.  
"I'm sorry," Amanda apologized, "I just tried to get back up."  
"Don't worry about it," Liv said, "Are you hurt?"

Amanda shook her head vigorously, not a smart move though as it seemed to disorient her and she swayed slightly. Liv held on to her until she seemed to get her bearings back.

"You want to try and get back up?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded, just slightly this time though and then tried her best to help Liv get her up off the floor. The sleepwear Liv had brought her was placed on the toilet lid, Amanda still in her clothes with her pants unzipped. Liv saw the toothbrush in the sink as she turned the water off.

"You want to try again?" Liv asked picking up the toothbrush. Amanda frowned though.  
"That's what made me sick," Amanda frowned.  
"No I think that's the alcohol sweetie but okay," Liv smiled and winked at her as Amanda looked as though she wanted to chuckle but her body didn't really follow her lead.

"Let's move this party next door," Liv suggested, grabbed the sleepwear and then Amanda.  
"See you'll have a door to close behind you," Liv said as they made their way in to Noah's room, "And what I know to be a pretty good bed cause I've slept here a few nights as Noah got used to sleeping in his own room."  
"Amanda," Liv said once they reached the bed but Liv hesitated whether or not to put the younger woman down just yet, "do you mind if I help you undress?"

She had a little trouble getting Amanda's eyes fixed being so close to her and all, and she wasn't sure if it was because of the question or the alcohol.

"I think you'd sleep better in what I brought you but if you feel uncomfortable with me… Will you let me help you?"

Liv leaned forward while holding on to Amanda so she could get a better read on the other woman.

"I'm really drunk," Amanda mumbled. Liv just smiled at her.  
"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered.  
"Hey don't be, it happens to the best of us," Liv tried to reassure.  
"But I'm _really_ drunk," Amanda said with a tone and making a face which made Liv chuckle.  
"Yes you certainly are," Liv agreed, "Will you let me help you get undressed?"

Amanda gave her a small nod and Liv nodded right back with a slight smile on her face.

"Hold on to that," Liv said and guided Amanda's hand to one of the bedposts. It was a little short so Amanda's body got a little lopsided as she leaned her palm against it.

Liv started pulling the jeans down over Amanda's hip, making sure her panties stayed up and in place. Thankfully the jeans weren't all too tight and made Liv's job easier. She got down on one knee in front of Amanda to pull the jeans further down, she had to steady Amanda for a brief moment as she left her side but could continue as Amanda found her balance, or more so the somehow stabilizing slight wobbling back and forth.

Liv tried to not be too intrusive and stare but she couldn't help but not notice some very notable red marks on the young woman's thighs. The room was sparsely lit but Liv moved her head to get a little bit better light on the marks and then couldn't help but wipe her fingers slightly over them. There were portions of her skin that looked rubbed or scraped off and then there were scratches that couldn't be anything but nails. Liv remembered the almost manic way Amanda's fingers had dug at her pants as they sat in the gallery watching the trial after she had testified. She knew Amanda had drawn her own blood while Liv and Barba took her first statement so Liv could easily get an indication on what had caused these marks.

Moving her head further to the side though she noticed other kind of marks on the side of the younger woman's thigh and this time she moved Amanda to get the marks in better light. The marks on the side were not scrapes but contusions. Not a single impact accident though as Liv could tell the bruises had been sustained at different stages. There were some that looked brownish yellow, at least a week old, and then there were newer ones that looked dark purple and very painful.

Liv stroke her hand gently over the bruises as she looked up at Amanda. The young woman's eyes were just staring empty ahead. Amanda had put both hands down over each other on the bed post which only added to the wiped demeanor she displayed right now.

Liv continued to pull her jeans down and coaxed her to lift one foot at the time just slightly off the floor so she could pull the pants off.

"Okay have a seat," Liv said, standing back up so she could help Amanda down on the bed. Once down on the bed Liv kneeled down in front of her again. Her eyes kept going back to the marks on Amanda's leg and finally she couldn't keep quiet.

"Amanda, what's going on here," Liv asked as she carefully touched the scrapes on top of her thighs. Amanda's eyes drifted down.  
"You made these right?" Liv asked gently wiping her fingertips over the damaged skin. Amanda seemed uninterested to talk or just too drunk to speak.

"And what about these bruises?" Liv asked letting her hand run down to the side of Amanda's thigh. Liv couldn't really tell if Amanda's eyes followed her hand or not but her lips moved slightly.  
"I fell," she mumbled.  
"You fell?" Liv questioned suspiciously, she didn't buy that explanation one bit. Liv reached down to take one of her socks off and then gently put her foot back down on the floor.  
"We both know you didn't get all of them at the same time," Liv said trying to not sound too harsh, "You want to try and tell me what really happened there?"

Liv kept her eyes on her as she removed the other sock.

"I'm really drunk," Amanda mumbled again. Amanda's hands where planted on each side of her, at the edge of the bed and Liv saw them churn harder over the bedspread.  
"I had to get out… outside," Amanda kept slurring, "I didn't mean to… I hadn't planned to get this drunk, I just had to get out. I was going…"

Amanda brought her hand up to her face and she rubbed it to try and disguise the need to get away from Liv's intrusive eyes. Liv rubbed her knee gently as she reached for the lounge pants.

"I struggled just walking Frannie," Amanda admitted in her drunken state.  
"Oh my God Frannie," she suddenly blurted out. Her hand dropped to her lap and Liv watched her eyes go bigger than they had all night.  
"I gotta go… get Frannie," Amanda said as she tried to get up off the bed without much success.

"She's okay Amanda," Liv calmed as she grabbed a hold right below her elbows to keep her down on the bed.  
"Frannie is okay, Fin got her," Liv said and could lower her voice as Amanda seemed to register what she was telling her.  
"Your neighbor called Fin, that's how we came looking for you," Liv explained.  
"Frannie's okay?" Amanda asked, guilt dripping from her voice. Liv nodded.  
"She's just fine, Fin's got her for the night and I got you for the night. Everything is fine Amanda," Liv soothed as she got Amanda's feet in to the pants legs. She pulled them up to her knees but then lingered as her hand once again brushed gently over her bruised thigh.

"Can you tell me why you did this?" Liv asked.

She'd played with the thought it could've been her mom that inflicted them but the bruises were gathered in a limited area and along with the nail inflicted scratches on top of her thighs Liv figured it was all most likely self-inflicted. From what she now knew of Amanda and her past she didn't find self-harming that impossible. Liv thought any addiction were in fact a form of self-harm which Amanda wasn't a stranger to.

"Why Amanda?" Liv asked again as Amanda seemed to have gotten stuck with her head bowed down looking at her hand who was picking slightly at the bed spread.  
"I had to get out," Amanda whispered.

"You got anxious being stuck at home and you did this to yourself?" Liv tried as her hand slowly moved over the young woman's soft skin. Amanda took a deep breath that stalked up in her throat a little and she squirmed a little under Liv's touch.

"Okay, let's leave it for now," Liv said as she realized it wasn't a good time to have this talk right now in the state Amanda was in. She pulled up the pants as far as she was able to with Amanda planted on the bed.  
"But we will talk about it Amanda," she added.

Liv got up on her feet but bent down to get her eyes on the same level as Amanda's.

"I'm not going to let you hurt yourself for something you have no blame in. You hear that Amanda? You have to stop punishing yourself for what happened to you."

She stayed put until Amanda finally looked at her but Liv still wasn't sure Amanda was picking up anything at this point, she looked almost completely out of it.

"I'm going to keep telling you this," Liv said but then grabbed a hold of Amanda's arms and put them over her own shoulders as she told Amanda to grab on best she could. She got really close, Amanda's breathe right by her ear, as she lifted the thankfully light woman up so she could pull the pants all the way up. Amanda had tried to grab a hold and it was the closest they'd come to a hug ever and Liv couldn't help but treasure the moment, holding on to Amanda for a few extra moments to make sure the waistband was in place around the young woman's waist.

"I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled close to her ear.  
"You have nothing to be sorry about," Liv said rubbing her lower back gently.  
"And down again," Liv whispered as she slowly placed Amanda back down.

Amanda's grip loosened and Liv helped get her arms back down gently. The pants legs were too long and Liv folded them up slightly before she told Amanda she was going to take her top off next. She wanted to give Amanda a heads up even though she looked too spent now to really be paying attention.

Liv grabbed the hem of her top and gently pulled it over Amanda's head. Liv couldn't help but let her eyes run over her torso just to make sure there were no other injuries, she even got up on her feet briefly and had a closer look at her back. Everything looked okay and Liv kneeled down in front of her again. She rolled the tee up just like she did when dressing Noah and then popped the opening over Amanda's head. She pulled the tee down and then got back up underneath it to unclasp the bra on her back.

Liv stopped momentarily as Amanda's breath stalked up and she tried to get away from Liv's touch. Liv soothed her much like she did Noah when he got fussy, hushing her slightly as she continued with unclasping her bra.

"Just going to get this off so you can sleep comfortable," Liv whispered as she swiped the bra straps down her arms. She then helped Amanda get her arms through the sleeves and then had a quick check to make sure everything was in place before she told Amanda they were all done and it was finally time to sleep. Amanda let out a relieved sigh which brought a smile back on Liv's face.

Liv pulled the bedspread down best she could with Amanda still sitting on the edge of the bed and then told Amanda to crawl up. Liv smiled at Amanda's less than limber moves, far away from the flexible detective Liv saw in the squad room. There was something childlike about drunk Amanda, something that made Liv want to take care of her but then it dawned on her that it might not be that.

Amanda was a victim now. Liv's image of her had changed. Patton had made her a victim and Liv had always related well to victims. Liv knew she couldn't put that epithet on Amanda though. It wouldn't serve their relationship any good and Amanda would end up loathing Liv. A survivor. That's what she would have to try and convert it to. It wasn't hard for Liv to see her as a survivor but right now this survivor needed a little guidance.

With a bit of coaxing and rearranging she finally got Amanda in under the cover and with her head on the pillow. Amanda folded to her side, letting out another relieved sigh as Liv tucked her in properly.

"I'm going to get you some water and Tylenol," Liv said stroking back Amanda's hair from her face, "I'll be right back."

Liv reluctantly let the young woman's soft hair go and walked out. She hurried back with the offerings and found Amanda resting peacefully. Liv pulled over Noah's low plastic play table and placed the glass and the tablets on it. Liv went across the room and picked up the trash bin. She put it down right by the bed and then sat down by Amanda's side. Liv touched the side of her face again to hopefully get a bit of her attention at least.

"I've put a bin by your bed in case you need it," Liv said softly. Amanda's eyes stirred a little underneath her eyelids.  
"I'll be right across the hall," Liv said a little louder hoping Amanda would hear her. She deliberately let her hand run over her forehead and then down by her ear.

"I want you to wake me up or come get me if you need anything," Liv said, "I'm going to close the door okay but I want you to come get me if you have a nightmare or if you just need to talk or something. I'm used to being up at night, you know with a toddler now under my roof. So you just come get me, we'll have some tea, talk if you want to. I don't mind. It would only make me happy in fact. I want to be here for you if you let me."

She realized she was probably talking to herself here but it felt good just getting to say the words out loud.

"I would really like to be here for you Amanda," she whispered, lining her blonde hair behind her ear, "and not only when you get stupid drunk. I don't mind but you can count on me at any time. I promise I'll listen from now on. I will really listen this time around. I'll try and hear what you're trying to tell me and I won't make assumptions. We'll get through this, you see, things will be okay again. That bastard won't be able to hurt you again and we'll deal with what he left in his wake. We _will_ get through it. This is what we do after all. You can do this and I'll help you every step of the way. You have all of us in your corner and we'll beat the demons he left. You're going to be fine."

She realized she had to stop at some point or she could just stay there all night whispering encouraging words in to the young detective's ear. _It was probably better to do that when she was awake though_, Liv thought to herself. She let herself swipe her fingers down through her blonde strands a few more times before she finally rose to her feet.

"Good night Amanda," she whispered as she leaned down and pulled the cover up a little further so it touched Amanda's chin. Liv turned one of the lamps off but left the room with enough light so that Amanda would be able to familiarize herself if she woke up during the night. She shot Amanda one last look before she closed the door behind her. She was just about to close it completely when she suddenly changed her mind and left it open just an inch or two. She hoped Amanda would be able to come to her if she needed it but until that day, or night, arrived Liv didn't think it would hurt to do whatever she could to help her along just slightly.


	11. Chapter 11

Here's the final chapter guys :/ Always feels a little sad but I need to get back to my other fic &amp; I also have another Rollaro fic in works that will follow the actual show a little more than this one did.  
I wish I could hug all of you that has reviewed or gotten in touch with me via PM (&amp; that's saying a lot cause I'm really not a hugger IRL). I just can't thank you enough. There are no words to describe how great it feels to get feedback on what you put out there &amp; I have valued it &amp; I'll keep all your kind words for that rainy day when I need it the most.  
My plan had been to leave Liv &amp; Amanda there in the last chapter but since you asked for it I wrote a shorter 'morning after' segment. I hope you like &amp; again - thank you &amp; stay awesome! XO

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**Chapter 11**

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_"There are no secrets that time does not reveal." – Jean Racine_

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Amanda's eyes popped open and she immediately regretted it, the bright light hurting her eyes. She clamped them shut again but it didn't get any better as her brain hurt when scrunching her face. She tried covering her eyes with her hand so she could ease her face up a little. She didn't recognize the linen covering her, or the fabric in whatever she was wearing and neither the feel of the mattress underneath her. Curiosity and a slight anxiety of whose bed she was in made her peek through her fingers.

Looking over the room and seeing one of the biggest teddy bears she'd ever laid eyes on made the memories come flooding back. Noah's room. Liv's apartment. She'd been at a bar and Liv had showed up. She had some faint recollection of Liv helping her up off the floor. Of her helping her undress. _Oh God please don't make that be reality. _

Amanda had a look underneath the cover once her eyes had gotten used to the light, she didn't have time to wait for her head to stop pounding though and she had a pretty good idea that would take serious doses of Tylenol to cure. _God it was true_. She wasn't wearing her own clothes and she really had no recollection of swopping clothes herself. _It could've happened though_ she tried to tell herself.

It didn't take long until she saw the glass of water and two little white pills next to it. It did take a little longer for her to get up on one hand so she could swallow the pills, trusting that Liv didn't try and drug her. The water felt good and she emptied the glass. She picked up a sound and looked over to find the door slightly open. It sounded like a child.

She manage to get her legs over the edge of the bed but had to grab a hold of the bed with both hands as her head started spinning. She felt really sick all of a sudden but noticed the bin right by the bed and embarrassment took over. She must've been way drunk last night and it looked as though Liv had not missed it. She felt like just ducking in underneath the cover again but the longer she dragged this out the harder it would get.

With the help of a bedpost she managed to get to her feet and stay there. The pants she was wearing were too long and covered her feet but there wasn't a risk she would stumble as she was mostly shuffling as she dragged herself towards the door. She peeked out, didn't recognize this part of the apartment, she hadn't really gotten this far in before. She saw the bathroom to her right, really felt like visiting it first but she didn't want to be impolite. Like she hadn't passed that threshold already but she still took the walk of shame down the hallway towards the sounds.

"Well good morning," Liv smiled as she spotted a ragged Amanda coming shuffling down the hallway. Liv could see the pant legs were too long but she figured that might not be the reason she was shuffling.

"Morning," Amanda mumbled rubbing her stomach a little nervously. She stopped a few yards from them. Liv was by the stove, cooking something, wearing a matching set of sweats. Noah was stuck on the other side of the counter in his high chair playing with some food in front of him, some of it seemed to go in to his mouth.

"Morning Noah," Amanda said a little more chipper as the kid was looking her way. Liv looked between the two, smiled at Amanda's tiny wave and Noah looking at the unfamiliar guest with big eyes. Liv chuckled as she saw Noah extend his hand towards Amanda with some cut pieces of pancakes in it.

"Well it seems we know who wants to sit next to you at the table," Liv smiled Amanda's way. Amanda did her best to smile back.  
"Eh… could I just use the bathroom," Amanda asked a little timid.  
"Of course, you don't have to ask, use it. Come back to have some breakfast with us though," Liv urged. She got a dubious nod and really hoped Amanda would hurry back. Noah made a displeased noise as he saw Amanda leave.

"She'll be back," Liv reassured him, "I hid her shoes and jacket in the closet, she's not going anywhere."

Liv chuckled at the laugh Noah let out even though he probably did not get any of what she'd just said.

Amanda lingered a while in the bathroom after she'd used the toilet. She washed her face with cold water and it made her feel a little better. She couldn't believe she'd actually slept through the night. She wasn't really sure when she'd gone to bed but she knew there had been no nightmares during her sleep. Her sleep had just been blank and it was a blessing from the nights she'd had since her mom left, since the trial started really.

She felt like taking a shower but she didn't feel comfortable staying away for too long. Just the thought of food made her feel sick so she really hoped Liv wouldn't force any on her. She dragged herself back out before throwing a look at herself in the mirror, she really wished she wouldn't have though, it did nothing to boost her confidence.

"Well there you are," Liv said cheerfully as she spotted Amanda again, "Have a seat next to the kid, he was sad to see you go."

Amanda walked around the counter and up to Noah. She hesitated a little but then had a seat on the chair closest to him. He gave her a smile but thankfully didn't offer her any of his food this time. The pieces of pancake mixed with jam on his tray didn't look appetizing.

"Are you cold?" Liv asked over her shoulder, "You want a robe or something?"  
"No, I'm fine… thanks," Amanda mumbled.

Liv wasn't convinced, Amanda looked like she was freezing but perhaps it could just be tension as well.

"Half and half right?" Liv asked as she put a cup of steamy hot coffee in front of her. The smell was delicious Amanda had to admit and she nodded as she brought the cup closer. Liv gave her a smile and then turned back to the stove.

"So we got pancakes on the menu, we can also offer omelet, scrambled eggs, bacon, bagel. I'm trying to do my own version of eggs benedict here, just was in the mood for it, and I don't mind trying to make another one…"

Liv had a look over her shoulder when no answer came. Amanda looked perhaps a little paler than when she had first arrived. It didn't look as though she'd tried the coffee yet but it could perhaps just be because it was still too hot.

"Coffee is fine," Amanda tried.  
"I will feed you," Liv said turning back around, "We would not be a good B&amp;B if we don't. Right Noah?"

Liv threw another look over her shoulder giving herself a reason to do so but her eyes quickly drifted from Noah to Amanda again. Amanda had been looking at Noah as well and he was flapping his hand at her so she reached out and granted him the touch he seemed to want.

Amanda realized Liv was watching them and she withdrew her hand, giving her supervisor an awkward smile.

"Well now you made him sad again," Liv winked, "Can't make the kid sad."

Liv turned back around to give the two privacy. She put her own eggs benedict on a plate, leaving it on the stove to keep it warm, while she brought out two new eggs. She whisked them together with some milk in a bowl and then poured it all out in the pan. While the eggs cooked she went over to the fridge to get some orange juice and also a tomato that she sliced and put on a new plate. She peeked over at them a few times, Amanda busy helping Noah to rearrange his pancake pieces on his tray. Amanda reached up to put a little jam on Noah's nose and it made him laugh, Liv smiled as she turned away again.

Liv came over with Amanda's plate once she was done and she caught the slight frown on Amanda's face as she put the plate in front of her along with the glass of juice.

"I realize you don't feel like eating right now," Liv said respectfully, "but it will do you good. Eggs contain cysteine which breaks down toxins, the toast will help boost your blood sugar, the tomato will help reload the vitamin C you lost last night and the fructose in the juice will help get rid of the lingering alcohol in your system. I'm keeping the bacon from you even though I know you like it. Most people believe greasy food will help with hangovers but it actually does the opposite, it only upsets your stomach more. It can help you prevent it but that ship has sailed right."

Liv gave her a warm smile to clarify she wasn't trying to offend Amanda.

"Growing up with an alcoholic mother I've done my research," Liv confessed as she walked back to get her own plate. She came back over, handing Amanda a fork and then sat down opposite them.

"Please just try a little," Liv begged, "and that's enough of me badgering you about it."

Amanda gave Liv an awkward smile before she put her fork down in the eggs even though just looking at the food made her stomach flip. She didn't want to disappoint Liv any more than she'd already done.

They ate under silence for a while. Or more so Liv ate, while trying to not stare too much at Amanda struggling to just get some bits and pieces in her mouth. Liv felt bad for her but she knew food would make her feel better if she could just push through the initial discomfort. Noah had gained his appetite back and was putting the last pieces of pancake in his mouth. When he was done though he started whining a little and Liv got to her feet. She brought a bag of wipes and came around the counter. Noah sat still as she wiped him off a little and when she put him down he immediately wobbled towards a play bin in the living room. As he planted himself by it Liv had walked around to have a seat again by the counter. She met Amanda's eyes briefly before Amanda bowed her head down again.

"Did you sleep okay?" Liv decided to ask. She knew Noah might not give them that much time so she couldn't waste it right now.  
"Yeah, sure, thanks," Amanda mumbled a little embarrassed.

Liv hoped she was telling the truth, she'd checked in on her as she visited the bathroom in the middle of the night and Amanda had been resting peacefully at that time at least.

"Do you remember… what happened last night?" Liv asked. She wasn't sure just how much Amanda would recall in the state she'd been.  
"Some of it," Amanda whispered, "I know I owe you an apology. I was way drunk."

Amanda squirmed a little, wished she could eat so she at least could occupy herself with something.

"You don't owe me an apology Amanda," Liv said, "You should've let us know your mom left though. That you had cabin fever. We would've wanted to keep you company."  
"I don't want you to feel like you have to… babysit me," Amanda mumbled stubbornly but immediately regretted it as she'd proved she needed just that, babysitting, last night. Liv was thinking the same but didn't say it.  
"You're a part of our squad Amanda," Liv said instead, "and it's what we do when a member of us needs… some backing up."

Liv had finished her plate, put her utensils down and pushed the plate away a little so she could lean in on the counter to get just a little bit closer to Amanda.

"It won't be forever Amanda," she said carefully, "but you need help right now. This isn't going to be easy, or something that can be… fixed quickly. It's going to take time. You will have to let it take time because, we both know, it's not easy to get passed something like this."

Amanda put her fork down to be able to put her hands down on her lap, she didn't want Liv to see her hands had started to shake. She had a little hard to breathe and the room felt a little small all of a sudden.

"Amanda," Liv said demanding her attention.  
"It will get better," Liv said seriously once she had Amanda's eyes. She felt some fear asking the next question, if the answer would be no then she wouldn't feel good at all.

"Do you trust me Amanda?" she still asked. She could tell Amanda hesitated but felt relieved once she finally nodded.  
"I promise to not let you down," Liv said and reached for something she'd placed on her counter earlier.  
"I know you think therapy is just paying someone to listen to your problems…" Liv started and Amanda squirmed immediately.  
"I shouldn't have said that to you," Amanda mumbled apologetic but Liv just smiled at her.  
"Then make it up to me," she suggested and placed the business card by her plate, "I want you to see my therapist."

Amanda gave her a questionable glance.

"It's just for a referral," Liv reassured her understanding that Amanda probably didn't want to share therapist with her, "He'll match you up with someone good. A couple of them, it's important you find someone you can trust and open up to. It isn't easy Amanda but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. You're going to need guidance and professional support through this process, it's nothing you should go through on your own."

She gave Amanda a few seconds to take it all in, she was still looking at the card in front of her with fright in her eyes.

"And you'll have us there every step of the way," Liv said, "well whenever you want us there, but please Amanda… use us. We want to be there for you."

Liv wished at least one of Amanda's hands could've been on the counter, that she could touch her. Reaching over to touch Amanda's arm seemed like a stretch and Liv also feared Amanda would flinch, that it would get awkward. Realizing Amanda was keeping her hands on her lap made Liv worry about something else too.

"Those marks on your legs Amanda, those bruises," Liv said and caught Amanda tensing up. Her eyes moving away from the card but not Liv's way but further away.

"It has to stop," Liv said seriously, "I will not sit by anymore and let you hurt yourself more than you've already done. I want you to take the help I'm offering you but if you don't I will use my authority cause I just can't… no I refuse to see you punish yourself for something that isn't your fault. It _isn't your fault_ Amanda."

Liv studied her young detective closely, hoping she was at least taking her words in even if her body language sent contradictory signals. Noah made a whiney noise over in the living room and Liv looked over seeing him toss a teddy bear across the floor.

"The guilty verdict should tell you that but I also know that it doesn't automatically mean you take it to heart," Liv said focusing her attention back on Amanda who still kept her head down. Still no sign of either of her hands.

"That will take time but I'm going to be there, Fin will be there," Liv said, "we will all be there to help you get to a point when you will be able to strive again and be able to see what we already know, that nothing of what Patton did to you was your fault in any way."

Noah started whining again over in the living room and Liv recognized the whine and knew it would most likely turn to cries at any moment and unfortunately she wasn't wrong. Liv got up, walked around the counter and over to Noah to pick him up. She welcomed the kid's arms around her neck and didn't mind the slight slobber on her that came with the hug. She rubbed his back gently, cooed him as she walked back over to Amanda.

Liv took notice of Amanda churning her hands in her lap, at least it meant she wasn't scratching herself. Liv could tell how uncomfortable Amanda felt though and she wished she wouldn't have to.

"I called in this morning and took a few hours off but unfortunately I just can't take the whole day," Liv said, disappointment in her voice since she'd hoped to take the entire day off.

"No, Amanda," Liv said, stretching out her hand to stop Amanda from getting up off her chair. Liv sighed, feeling disappointed in her failed attempts to reach Amanda. She really hoped she wouldn't have to get Amanda drunk again to get her talking, she would do it if she had to though.

"We still have time, there's no immediate rush. I would much rather spend the day with you and this little guy," Liv said and jumped Noah a little in her arms, "but I am the boss and we are missing one of the best detectives in the squad room right now."

Liv had hoped for a smile but settled with the slight tug in the corner of Amanda's mouth. Noah hugged her neck a little tighter and Liv started rubbing his back again.

"Have a shower if you want to, I'll reheat your food and maybe you can give it another go in a little while," Liv tried, "I happen to know dr Lindstrom has an opening at noon, I would really like to drive you there if you let me."

Liv had called this morning and managed to reach her therapist. She hadn't been planning to bring it up with Amanda until she came back to work but that was before when she thought her mom was still around and that someone was taking care of her. Now it felt urgent to get Amanda to see a specialist. She had destructive tendencies to begin with, Liv didn't feel comfortable leaving her to fend for herself and she wasn't sure Amanda would reach out for help on her own.

"Please say something Amanda," Liv begged when Amanda just kept frowning. She was losing her patience as she felt inept to deal with Amanda.  
"Okay," Amanda whispered and caught Liv off guard.  
"What? Okay? You'll let me drive you there?" Liv asked a little baffled. And happy as Amanda nodded slightly.  
"Great," Liv said relieved.  
"And… thank you," Amanda mumbled not really able to look at Liv, "for last night and…" Amanda shrugged a little.

Liv felt a little overwhelmed and didn't know what to say, her throat closed up a little.

"I'm sorry for… getting so… drunk," Amanda continued awkwardly.

Liv felt bad for her. She reached out, aiming for Amanda's cheek but ended up just brushing down Amanda's hair as she thought she spotted a flinch as she came closer. She let go off the tips of Amanda's hair and continued down to put her hand over Amanda's. Amanda peeked up at Liv from underneath her bangs.

"Don't worry about it," Liv said once she had Amanda's eyes. Amanda bit her lip and looked down. Liv squeezed her hands.  
"Call me next time though, if you need a ride… or company."

Amanda looked up to make sure Liv was honest and Liv nodded at her.

"With this one I don't get out much, I would love to have a drink with you," Liv smiled.  
"Okay," Amanda whispered. She couldn't produce a smile but she felt a little happy inside at least. It felt really good to know Liv cared about her this much. She didn't think she mattered much to anyone.

Liv removed her hand as Noah was going a little heavy on just one arm. Liv swop arms to hold him with.

"You want to take a shower?" Liv asked to break the silence.  
"That would be nice," Amanda mumbled.  
"You have fresh towels on the shelf right there by the shower," Liv said, "Your clothes are folded on a chair in your room. Do you want to borrow anything? I mean we're not the same size but I can try and find something that will work…"  
"I'm… fine…" Amanda said even though she would've preferred to pick the outfit to wear as she was visiting the nut doctor. On the other hand though she wasn't even sure what she wore last night, maybe it would be fine.

She got up off the chair and appreciated Liv taking a step back to let her pass. She got a few steps when Liv called out for her.

"Amanda," Liv said and made her turn back around.  
"It's a really good step you're taking," Liv smiled, "It's not going to be easy but I'll be there, we'll all be there for you. Whatever you do from here on out, don't ever lose track of that Amanda. We're like family, through good and bad right?"

Amanda managed a weak smile and gave her sarge a slight nod. She feared any more would make the tears burning behind her eyes escape and she turned again to keep walking back down to her room for the night. She felt horrible. Head pounding from her hangover, body aching a little here and there from God knew what, and embarrassment over her behavior last night lingering still. But there was something else in the midst of all that. A warmth in her heart, a sliver of hope perhaps, with the notion she wasn't alone any longer and that maybe not all was lost after all. Maybe _she_ wasn't lost after all.

* * *

"_Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." ~ Maya Angelou_

* * *

"Sonya," Nick sighed in to the phone for what felt like the hundredth time over the ten minutes the phone call with his sister had lasted.  
"Please stop," Nick finally said a little harsher, "There's nothing you can say that will make me attend that charade of a wedding. I don't want anything to do with him and you need to respect my choice."

She didn't say anything but he could picture her shaking her head, making those big eyes at him and if she was really upset than her hand was probably up in the air right now. He wouldn't speak first though, he'd said his piece and he had every right to not attend their father's wedding after what he'd put their family through.

"Fine," Sonya finally grumbled on the other line, "Keep being a stubborn mule, you will not stop me from having fun at the wedding."  
"And nor do I want to prevent you to, just keep an eye on mom okay?"  
"Of course," Sonya said. There was another silent pause. Nick had walked in to his kitchen and had a look in his fridge since he had to make up his mind what he wanted for dinner tonight.

"I was kind of hoping you would bring your date," Sonya said all of a sudden with that cheeky tone of hers.  
"What? What date?" Nick said rising up but keeping his hand on the fridge door.  
"That girl you've been seeing for months now, c'mon big brother don't try to fool me, don't you think mom's told me?" Sonya said a little offended.

Nick shook his head, he had a pretty good idea what his mother could've told his sister but he wouldn't give it to her that easy.

"I don't know what you're talking about, or what mom could've told you, I'm not seeing anyone right now," Nick said and felt a little sad as he realized that was really the truth. It had been over months now since he'd last been with Amanda and with everything going on he didn't dare to wish, to even think, about a future for the two of them together.

"So a certain blonde, that you met on the job," Sonya teased, "and that has a liking for lace…"  
"Hey, don't…" Nick warned. Amanda had been so embarrassed when she'd learnt it was his mother that had found her lost undergarments between his sheets in the laundry basket. He'd felt bad for her but also found her blushing cheeks very endearing and thinking back at that moment now something stirred down below. He missed her.

"Ah there he is, the knight in shining armor sticking up for his woman," Sonya teased.  
"Stop it Son, I'm not a shining knight, I couldn't…" Nick bit down the rest of the sentence, he couldn't tell his sister the ugly truth about what Amanda had been through, Sonya was the worst tattletale he knew.

"What?" she asked though sensing he held something back.  
"It's nothing," he said as he closed his fridge and walked back in to the living room to have a seat. He wasn't hungry any longer.  
"It's _something_," she nagged though, "c'mon tell me, it's not good for you to bottle everything up Nicky."

He sat down in his couch with a sigh. It would be nice to talk to someone about what was going on, he couldn't really talk about it with anyone at work. He could though but whenever he'd touched on it with Liv he got too emotional and he worried she would figure out it was more than platonic between them. Fin wasn't saying anything, probably not wanting to betray Amanda's trust and Carisi, well Carisi was Carisi and not an option when it came to this.

"Nicky…" Sonya begged. Nick leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes.  
"It's complicated," he whispered.  
"When is it _not_ complicated with you and women Nicky?" Sonya moaned.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked a little annoyed opening his eyes again.  
"You're going to get angry with me…" Sonya warned.  
"No, I promise not to, what do you mean," Nick said promising something he knew he probably wouldn't deliver on.

"What was it… 7th grade? Julia right? And you were both what, 12? You told mom this was the woman you were going to marry. You kept writing her name _Juliet_, and I know you saw yourself as Romeo. Well your story ended about as tragic as the original story…" Sonya left room for a response.  
"I don't…" Nick mumbled but to try and deny he didn't remember the spectacle he'd caused when Julia broke up with him would be a complete lie, he did remember.  
"Mom called the suicide hotline Nicky," Sonya said raising her voice, "She was so worried about you and your shattered heart. Yes that was the word you used. _Shattered_."

He heard Sonya groan on the other line and he squirmed uncomfortably on the couch.

"When you finally dragged your sorry as back to school, bit down the humiliation of seeing _your_ Juliet with that other boy in the hallways… I saw you stalk them though just so you know. Then you swore off _women_ until high school but then…"  
"Matilda," Nick whispered.  
"Matilda," Sonya said with a huff, "I don't need to remind you how that went down right? It's like you have this three years interval cause then it was college right? Abigail. _Abby_. You were so in love, she was going to be the mother of your children but she had other plans right. You almost flunked that year because of all the drama. It's always drama with you Nick. But then you met Maria and well, she's drama too, and how you worked Cynthia in to all of that I don't want to know. A cheater I did not have you down as."

"I wasn't… I mean… no, you're right, that was bad," Nick said with a heavy sigh.  
"You don't do love easily Nick. I did tell you from the start I didn't think Maria was good for you, I don't need to point out I was right…"  
"Zara," Nick said, "I got Zara so something good came out of it."  
"Okay yeah but what's complicated with this one? Mom says you've been happy, well in-between your moody periods. I know you've had… problems. With that shooting last year, and you beat up someone, he might've been a bad guy… did _she_ have something to do with it?"  
"What? No, she had nothing to do with all that," Nick said firmly.  
"So she's not causing you trouble?" Sonya asked.

Nick didn't know how to answer that. They had been at each other's throats as partners, often having opposite opinions on a case but she had eased, maybe he too, since they got together. She had definitely not caused him trouble up until… the bar. She'd acted so not like herself and she'd tried to trigger him, and almost succeeded. He'd been so angry when he left the bar. Angry at her and disappointed in himself for letting her get to him. Emotions had shifted later that night. He'd been angry at himself and disappointed in her. He'd decided it was time to quit whatever they had going on. He'd been so close to hitting her and he knew he would never forgive himself if he did. He'd told himself she wasn't good for him but there had been several nights when his thoughts had wandered to her.

Her words that night had echoed in his head but he realized his rage inside blocked some of her words and he wasn't sure what he'd heard. _Some of us don't want to be victims_. _That's what she'd said right? What did that even mean? _Now he understood what she'd really been talking about that night and he wished he could've kept his cool and listened instead of storming out.

And he did miss the sex. No reason to lie about that. He'd missed how her body felt under his touch, the intimacy, the way she felt around him. Just thinking about her that way made parts of him tingle. Her laughter, how easily entertained she was by silly dog commercials, the passion in her eyes whenever she talked about something that upset or angered her. The way she could lean in to him when it was just the two of them on the couch and how he at those moments would imagine that what they had could be so much more than just sex.

"Nicky?" Sonya said pulling him out of his thoughts.  
"Where did you go?" she asked after he said he was still there.  
"Just thinking," he mumbled.  
"About her?"  
"Aha," he answered as he rubbed his face, tried to get rid of the uneasy feeling. _Why hadn't he put the signs together earlier? _

"Tell me what it is that's complicated, maybe it's just in your head?" Sonya said after a short silent pause.  
"No, I… can't," he said shaking his head.  
"Why not? Is it cause it's me? You don't want to tell me?" Sonya asked sounding offended.  
"No, that's not it, I don't want to… don't want to talk about her. For her privacy I mean," Nick tried to explain. Sonya seemed to take that in and to his surprise understand that it wasn't all about her for a change.

"So it is really complicated?" Sonya asked, sounding a little surprised.  
"Yes, it really is this time," he admitted. _It wasn't just complicated, it was messy, chaotic, ugly and fucked up._  
"What happened?" Sonya asked still not ready to give up on getting some juicy parts of it.  
"Something… happened to her, like not recently but in the past and I just found out. I'm not sure she can… if what we're doing is good for her," he answered a little evasive.

"What _are_ you doing?" Sonya asked nosily. Nick sighed loudly, he didn't like this side of her. Just one of many that annoyed him.  
"Well I know from the panties mom found in your sheets you're intimate so I'm just going to assume that's what you're talking about then… but what… what happened to her?" Sonya asked and by her sensitive tone she got a little worried.

"I can't discuss that with you Sonya, and it's not me trying to be mean to you or hold something back, I just don't want to… betray her," Nick tried to explain. He worried his sister would try and twist it as him being guarded towards her, she often did that.

"Sounds like you really care for her," Sonya said simply though.  
"Yeah… yeah I do," Nick said and smiled slightly.  
"Have you told her that?"  
"Well… no, I mean I think she knows but not really, I mean we work together so it's…"  
"Complicated," Sonya filled in.  
"Yeah, complicated," Nick admitted.  
"But you want to be with her?"  
"Yeah…" he answered a bit hesitant but then, "Yeah if it was just up to me then yes."

"So she's the problem? She doesn't want to be with you?"  
"She's _not_ the problem, I mean there is a problem but _she_ didn't cause it. She's not to blame for anything. All she ever did was trying to be a good sister."  
"_Sister_?" Sonya asked confused.  
"Never mind, she's a good person that's what I meant. She didn't do anything wrong."  
"So she doesn't want to be with you?"  
"Well I don't know," he mumbled.  
"You haven't asked her? You don't know if whatever this problem is about, if it's really a problem for her?" Sonya's voice got a little agitated.  
"It's not that… simple," Nick tried.  
"Sounds simple enough. You want to be with her so find out if she wants to be with you. Just ask her."  
"I can't…," Nick sighed, it was difficult to get your point across when you were talking in riddles, "It's just I can't, I _won't_ put that on her right now. She has enough to deal with so I don't want to add anything that has the potential to make her life more complicated."

Sonya made a disgruntled noise, she did not get his reasoning.

"Well at least tell me you're sticking around, lending her support in whatever this life crisis is about," Sonya said a little annoyed.  
"Well…" Nick said a little evasive.  
"Nicky! Don't tell me you're not there for her."

Sonya's voice had reached another level of shrieking.

"I'm giving her space, I think that's what she needs," Nick said sitting up in the couch getting a little agitated himself.

_He figured the last thing Amanda needed was him pushing himself on her right now. And yes, maybe he was a little bit scared. He could deal with victims at work, he didn't have a problem with it but this wasn't work. This was personal. How did he touch her? Did she even want to be touched? _

_What if they got together and he did something that reminded her of what had happened in Atlanta? What if she tensed up when he was holding her? Should he back off then or could he still hold on to her? He had no idea what to do here. And he'd already had hundreds of scary scenarios in his head of potential situations with her and he had zero ideas on how to handle any of them. _

"Sometimes you're just too…" Sonya groaned, Nick could picture her shaking her head, "You give her space if she tells you she wants space, no actually only if you made bloody sure that's actually what she wants cause in case you didn't know this already, big brother, women will sometimes say things they don't mean. Give me space can sometimes mean give me a hug so before you give her space, if she says she needs it, you make bloody sure that's what she really wants. But until she hasn't even said it you get your ass over there or you don't deserve her in the first place."

"But… what if she was only in it for the…"  
"Sex? You can say it Nicky, we're not kids any longer," Sonya sighed, "Well yeah that might be a possibility but you won't know until you ask her."

There was a short pause, Nick's mind was racing.

"Is she the type?" Sonya asked, "The type that would be in it only for the sex I mean."  
"Well no, I mean I thought so at first, that it was only about… sex," he couldn't get over the awkward feeling of talking about this with his kid sister, "but what I know now, with her… past experience, then no. She's definitely not the type."  
"Is this about what's been in the papers for the past weeks?" Sonya suddenly asked and caught Nick by surprised. It wasn't that he thought his sister was daft but it surprised him that she put two and two together like this, it wasn't like her.

"Maybe," Nick answered cryptically.  
"You should definitely go to her Nicky," Sonya said seriously, "If it's about what I think it is then she's already second guessing herself enough as it is, the last thing she need is to second guessing you too."

"You're probably right about that," Nick said under his breath suddenly feeling really stupid for not checking in with Amanda. It had been over a week now. He had heard about her mom ditching her. Fin was apparently back on her couch again. He didn't want to disturb or be in the way of that but he realized it was a lousy excuse. He was just too chicken to handle all of this.

"Well I'll be darn, you're actually acknowledging that I can be right," Sonya laughed. Nick bit down a comeback, he'd let her have that one.  
"Does that mean you might come to the wedding as well?" Sonya tried.  
"Don't push it sis," Nick said.  
"Well I won't give up just yet, and it would be a great way of asking your girlfriend out on a date," Sonya suggested.  
"Oh no, I'm not bringing her anywhere near you or dad," Nick said.  
"But mom?" Sonya teased, of course biting on that one.  
"You'd bring her to see mom well then wedding bells are not far off…" Sonya teased not able to help herself.  
"Okay I'm hanging up now," Nick said but couldn't hide the slight amusement. Something about the thought of introducing Amanda to his mother felt good deep down.  
"No Nicky," Sonya complained with that winey tone of hers.  
"Bye Son," Nick said and hung up.

He fell back on his couch again, staring dreamingly forward. He still had doubts about what do to. _What was the protocol in situations like this, was there even one? But he couldn't get away from the one thing he was sure of - he did miss her._

**Amanda pulled another** deep sigh as she kept staring at the four squares she'd painted on the wall yesterday. She'd decided to paint her living room. Well maybe. She wasn't sure. She wasn't sure about anything than the fact she hated to be on suspension. She needed something to do these last five days but her inadequacy for making a single decision right now wasn't helping at all. She questioned everything, from what she felt like having for breakfast to what brand of toilet paper brand to buy to… what frickin color to paint her wall in.

Frannie walked up to her after about the sixth deep sigh and she butted her nose in to the back of Amanda's leg.

"Well then just tell me what color you like best then," Amanda snapped looking down on her dog. Her heart melted as she looked in to her dog's eyes.  
"I'm sorry Frannie Mae," she whispered rubbing behind the dog's ear, "Mommy is just going mental being cooped up in here, can't imagine you're doing much better aight?"

Amanda had another look at the wall as she rubbed behind her own ear. Something was itching and she rubbed her scalp a little, messing up the already messy bun at the back of her head. Amanda squirmed in her leisure wear and turn away from the patches on her wall. She pulled at her leggings a little and tried to straighten her long sleeved top. She couldn't complain about the fabric, her garments were soft as could be. Just like her sudden indecisiveness though anything she wore could suddenly start to itch uncomfortable. She had to get a grip. She couldn't squirm out of her outfit at work next week, it would only make everyone glare at her even more than she already suspected they would do.

She got abruptly pulled from her thoughts by a soft knock at the door. She looked over, fear grabbing at her chest and she gestured to Frannie who looked like she may bark. Her eyes went to the watch on the TV. It was too early to be Fin. He was doing video games with some friends tonight, he'd said he could cancel but she'd urged him to go. He didn't have to babysit her she'd said but then silently appreciated that he said he would come over, only later than usual.

_He could've gotten out earlier? It didn't sound like his knock though. His was much harsher. Could it be Liv? She usually called first though. _

She sneaked closer as a second set of knocks were heard. She made sure Frannie stayed put, didn't want her to bark like a couple of weeks ago even though she did like the outcome of that. She held her breath as she looked through the peephole. Nick. Her heart skipped a beat. She hadn't seen him in… forever. And he'd stopped trying to get a hold of her over the phone. She didn't blame him though, she hadn't answered a single call or text from him.

He had his head down at first but then he looked straight forward, Amanda felt almost as though he could see her there. She took a step back. Pulled her hands over her sloppy outfit, went up to her hair next. _She must look awful._ She was clean though. She knew that. Showering and laundry being a bit of a compulsive ritual right now. _But she must look like hell._ Her hair felt like it was sticking out everywhere and one of her big toes peeked out through a hole in her sock. She reached down and pulled at her sock so it wouldn't be so evident. He knocked a third time.

She wanted to let him in. She didn't want him there. She felt happy to see him. She felt queasy to see him. She didn't want him to see her like that all dressed down. _Was she really allowed to worry about how she looked? Was she allowed to feel excited about him being there? Was she allowed to feel in desperate need of his arms around her? No she didn't want him to touch her. Or maybe she did._

She shook her head close to violently in an attempt to shake the many thoughts out of her head, took a deep breath and opened the door before she changed her mind.

He held his breath as he heard the chain get lifted on the door, he had started to think she wasn't home. Once he got eyes on her he couldn't breathe even if he'd wanted to. Had she always been that beautiful?

He finally managed to exhale and smiled a little awkwardly at her. He realized all the things that he had wanted and planned to tell her had vanished. He felt completely blank.

"Hi," he said a bit awkwardly, "I just… wanted to see how you were doing…"

She looked a little shy, her hand trying to wipe some unruly strands of hairs behind her ear and the other tugging at her sleeve.

"What?" she asked after a while when he kept looking at her expecting an answer of a question she must've missed.  
"How are you doing?" he asked again.  
"Oh, good, yeah I'm doing okay," she answered a bit too rapidly. _She didn't feel okay at all._ She took a step in behind her door and at first he took it as a sign he could step inside but just as he moved, and her face looked a little shocked, he realized she'd probably move just to hide herself slightly behind the door. The moment got awkward quickly.

"Can I?" he asked gesturing inwards. She looked inside and then back at him.  
"Yeah, of course, yeah," she said a bit hesitantly.  
"You sure?" he asked.

_Why did he have to ask that? She wasn't sure about anything at this point in her life. _She managed to nod.

The hallway was dark but he knew where the switch was and he got the light on. Something Amanda appreciated as the only thing she'd been able to register as they got swept in darkness was her own heavy breathing.

He was carrying two, what looked like, heavy bags and he went in to the kitchen to put them down on the counter. Frannie had followed him and he squatted down to give her a proper hello once his hands were free. With his eyes on Frannie he could spot Amanda's feet coming in view, lingering by the door post with plenty of space between them. He spent a little extra time petting Frannie as he tried to get control of his nerves. _Why was he so darn nervous? She didn't want him there._ He cursed himself for not showing up sooner. _Why had he waited this long? Sonya had been right, he was a coward. _

"So I…," he mumbled as he finally rose back up, "brought some food…"

He gestured to the bags on the counter as he managed to finally look at her properly.

"Some?" she asked. Nick didn't understand and looked puzzled.  
"Looks like that can feed a small army," she explained. Nick chuckled slightly which released some tension inside.  
"Yeah," he breathed with a smile, "Fin said… well that you didn't have an appetite and I might have ordered a little of everything just so you could find something that would sit well with you…"

"Fin said…?" she questioned grabbing on to the door post slightly, again disappearing a little behind it. _She didn't like the notion of Fin talking about her with Nick. She thought what she told Fin would stay there. _Nick spotted the change of demeanor.

"No he didn't say it to me," Nick hurried to explain. Amanda looked a little confused.  
"I eavesdropped," he confessed, shoulders dropping slightly, "he was talking to you yesterday, on the phone. In the break room and I happened to pass. I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself, you know how I am…"

He liked that he could still make her smile.

"He was giving you heat for not eating properly," he said and Amanda remembered the call yesterday, "so that's how I know, or why I..." he again gestured towards the bags, "He would never sell you out. Never."

Amanda took a deep breathe. It felt good to know Fin hadn't said anything, and the fact Nick had eavesdropped probably just meant he cared. He was here after all. With food. Loads of it.

"So… would it be okay if I stayed? Helped you eat some of it?" he asked suddenly feeling a little more confident. He tried to not read too much in to the slight hesitation and just tried to focus on the fact she finally nodded.

"Let me have your coat," she said taking a step inside the kitchen. He held her eyes as he got his coat off and all while meeting her half way to hand it over to her.  
"Thanks," he smiled.

None of them were sure if it was for taking his jacket or for letting him stay. Either way it wasn't as important as the fact they both felt warm inside seeing each other smile. Amanda found herself smelling his coat as she walked back to the hallway. When she hung his coat though doubt set in. She remembered doing this, hanging his coat, before and it was always before they engaged in… adult relations. She felt something stir down deep in her core and it scared her to feel that familiar excitement. _What if he expected sex? What if that was the reason for him being there? What if she couldn't… deliver? _But why shouldn't she be able to, it was years ago. What had happened between her and Patton was years ago and it wasn't like she hadn't had sex after all that. Nate's words from the trial suddenly echoed inside her head. _I had to pursue her. She wasn't easy, not at all. I almost gave up, started to think it wasn't worth the time or effort._

She remembered that time. The inside struggles, the getting used to a man touching her again. Not panicking while he breathed heavily by her ear, feeling his bulge against her thigh and Nate's stupid inclination to pin her arms down above her head. _There was nothing sexy about pinning someone down, how can anyone think that?_

Being pinned between Nick's body and a wall was a different matter though. Amanda felt something pulsating down in her core but the sensation didn't bring anything but discomfort to her. _No she didn't want to sleep with Nick. She couldn't sleep with him. If that's why he was there he would be gravely disappointed in her. She wasn't sure she could handle that right now. She didn't want to disappoint him, she'd done enough of that already. But she couldn't sleep with him. She just couldn't. _

Nick had started to wonder where Amanda had gone to when he suddenly spotted her in the corner of his eye, moving hastily past the door post towards the living room.

"Amanda?" he called out, putting down whatever he had in his hands and hurried after her. He only got around the corner before spotting her. She seemed to have stopped mid-step, slowly placing her feet by one another as he got her in sight.

"Everything okay?" he asked her back.

A few heartbeats passed but then he caught her nodding, the sloppy bun at the back of her head bouncing slightly. Her shoulders were up by her ears though and he couldn't see where here hands were at, he could usually read a lot in to whatever she was doing with her hands.

Were her hands still she was calm, no brewing emotions under the surface. If she was tapping them slightly it usually meant eagerness or something she was dying to put in to words as soon as she got a chance to jump in to the conversation. If she was picking or scratching she was nervous or tense, at times it could just be something she did while deep in thought though. If she rubbed something, mostly a part of her own body, or started playing with her hair it meant insecurity or major doubt.

He wasn't sure when he'd picked up all of this about her hands but he had and it only dawned on him now. He did know her a little better than he thought he did. How he'd missed such a vicious sexual assault was still an enigma to him though.

He also knew she hated nagging so he tried to refrain from asking her again even though she obviously wasn't okay. He couldn't approach her either. He feared rejection. He knew that was something he would have to work on. He'd read enough, attended enough seminars, to know rejection was a part of the recovery process for rape victims. _God she was a rape victim. Half his body immediately drowned by sadness as rage roamed in the other half. Why did that have to happen to her?_

He swallowed hard, tried to calm his emotions. _Breathe_. The steps in the anger management course popped up in his mind. _Think before you speak_. He was doing that now. _Go to the happy place inside_. He'd just grunted at that during the course but now he realized he was at one of his happy places. Her apartment had always managed to make him happy and it was not all about what had taken place there but also just being in her company.

Another step was asking for support from someone you trusted. _He trusted her_. He really trusted her and he wanted her to trust him. Looking at her back, the long sleeved shirt he'd seen on her before, the tights she was wearing. He'd never seen her walk around in those before, she was mostly a jeans clad girl. He liked this though, he liked the easiness of the garment and how he could see the shape of her. The colorful socks on her feet were adorable.

Her body language was still tense though and he hated seeing her like this. _Some anger is justified_. That's what the instructor had told them. _Some anger may need to come out._ The anger he felt towards Patton was certainly both justified and needed to come out. He'd pictured his ugly mug on the punching bag down at the station's gym many times during these past couple of weeks. He'd pictured his face while target practicing and on the pins while bowling with Carisi one night. It had helped a little but not as much as getting the chance to punch that real ugly mug.

Nick knew these thoughts didn't help him and it wouldn't help him reach Amanda right now. His eyes had wandered a little around the room and they landed on four painted squares in the middle of one of the walls.

"What's going on there?" he asked taking a few steps closer to the squares. He gestured towards them as he caught Amanda glancing over.

Her hands were clutched together against her chest, fingers picking a little on the other hand. Her face looked more vacant than anything. He felt a little relieved there were no tears. He would, could, deal with tears but right now he was a little relieved there were none. He'd only seen her cry once, as he'd played that recording from the conversation he had with her sister, and it had been devastating to see her that upset.

"Oh I just thought about maybe… painting the room…" she said a little quietly.  
"Okay," he said and then planted himself in front of the squares, folding his arms over his chest as to really study them. He felt her presence before he could see her gliding up beside him.

"Whattcha think?" she asked.  
"I like that… light green… blueish…" he decided to point instead as he had no idea how to describe the one he meant, they were all in different green shades.  
"That one's called _almost aqua_," she said, a small smile playing in the corner of her mouth. He nodded, knowing what silly names the stores could come up with.  
"That's _sage tint_," she said pointing to another square, "That's _key lime_ and then _pistachio ice cream_."  
"Well now you made it hard, I've always had a preference for pistachio," he said smiling. A smile that grew even wider as he listen to her short giggle.

"So you're painting the room…" he said once they went back to just watching the squares. She shrugged.  
"Maybe," she said cryptically. He smiled again. It was a little like her to paint squares on the wall even before she'd decided whether or not to paint the whole room. A little hasty perhaps, a little rash, but very much in character and it was the most he'd seen her in character this side of the year so it pleased him.

"Well if you want my opinion I think almost aqua would really brighten up this room," he said glancing at her. He watched her eyes go around the rest of the room a little.  
"Yeah it needs a bit of brighten up, and I like almost aqua too," she mumbled.  
"I would love to help out if you do decide to paint the entire room," he offered. She glanced his way, a slight nod followed.  
"Thanks," she said under her breath.  
"No problem," he said holding her eyes for a few seconds before she seemed to feel forced to look away. Her hand came up to her mouth and she bit down on the side of one of her nails.

"You want to go deal with that pile of food I bought…" he suggested to prevent the moment from getting awkward again.  
"Sure," she nodded and then took lead back in to the kitchen.

He'd put out all the boxes with take away he'd bought, lined them up slightly so she could get a view of what was scribbled on them by the cashier.

"So what's your belly in the mood for tonight?" he asked. She pulled a deep sigh looking at the boxes. All these decisions.  
"I dunno, just pick one for me," she said and turned to get them plates and some real utensils. He shot a few worried looks after her, a bit worried she wouldn't eat and that maybe his presence only made it worse for her. He knew he had to get out of his head though and wised up quickly.

"Well then I'm going with what I've seen you pick most often when we eat Thai at lunch," he said and put his hand on the box with beef. He opened it up, took a whiff of the delightful smell, and contemplated steeling a little of hers but then spotted the same seasoning but with chicken and opened that one up as well.

"He didn't have any of that fish sauce you like…" he said once she came back carrying the plates.  
"I think I still have like half the bottle left of that one you bought me a couple of months back," she said sounding a little delighted, "It can't have gone bad yet right?"  
"No it shouldn't have…" he said but got interrupted as he accidently brushed up against her hand as he took one of the plates of her.

"Sorry," he said feeling her tense up when he lingered with his hand over hers, his fingers not able to stay still but caressed her hand gently.  
"Don't… I… it's okay," she said a bit flustered putting her hands down on the counter and pushing herself up a little in a bit of childish and completely adoring way. She lined her hair up behind her ear once she came back down on her feet again and caught him still looking at her.

"Sorry," he whispered again finding her blushing cheeks absolutely endearing and also the way she shook her head with a shy smile playing over her face. He was pretty sure his touch had evoked something in her. Nothing bad though, what was displayed on her face and her whole demeanor told him she'd liked it and it brought him hope. Hope that Patton hadn't destroyed whatever it was they had between them, and that was a really good feeling.

"So does painting mean you're getting a little stir crazy cooped up here?" he asked to get away from the tension.  
"A little I guess," she admitted.  
"I find Dodds implementing the suspension on you absolutely despicable," he said with a lot of emotions but making sure rage wasn't one of them.  
"Don't worry about him, or that. It's cool. Liv fixed it to suspension with pay so it's really not much different than a paid vacation. Well without the travelling I guess…"

"You didn't think about travelling? Getting a way for a while?" he asked while putting some of her food on the plate. He knew her mom had ditched her early after the trial but he didn't want to bring that up right now knowing it would probably not be a pleasant subject.

"I think I've done enough of that… running away," she said squirming a little with the confession of sort, "Thought maybe it was about time to stay put and just… deal."  
"That sounds… good. Smart," he said. He'd stopped what he was doing and looked at her properly.  
"Maybe the only smart thing I've done in a long while," she said thinking about how she'd treated him lately and in the bar last year.

She didn't feel comfortable bringing that up right now though, she wasn't sure she could keep her emotions in check when she served him the apologize she knew she owed him. Her face broke out in a smile and she shrug slightly when he just kept looking at her and it made him come out from his small trance.

"And Fin has kept me company, spent most nights on my couch," she said, "Liv's been by, and Cragen stopped by did you hear?"  
"Yeah I did, home from another cruise right," Nick smiled, "Nice to see him I bet?"  
"Yeah it was, really nice," Amanda said getting a little lost in thought.

She'd been nervous at first when he'd called and asked if he could come over. Not sure what to expect or what he wanted but it had just been really nice. He'd brought some wine Eileen had recommended and a big bouquet of flowers that was still in the living room spreading the most incredible smell. He'd just mentioned Patton briefly and expressed how very sorry he was for what had gone down in Atlanta and that he hadn't heard about the trial until they were half way through their royal Caribbean cruise. What Amanda didn't know was that Cragen had given Liv some heat for not informing him immediately, he really regretted not being there for his former detective during what must've been an ordeal of a trial. Amanda was just really happy he'd stopped by when he did and she was looking forward to catching lunch with him and Eileen later this week.

Amanda got pulled from her thoughts by her phone buzzing over at the other counter. She realized Nick had been watching her this entire time and she felt herself blushing for like about the fourth time since he got there. She really needed to get this blushing under control. She gave him a smile as she shuffled over the kitchen to check the text. It was from Fin.

"Thinking of heading out in half an hour. What food you want me to pick up?" The text read.  
"You can stay. Nick came over. With food." She texted back and didn't have to wait long until a reply came back.  
"Ok. 'Stay' like in stay put another hour or so or as in stay away for the night?"

She wasn't sure how to answer that and she glanced over her shoulder at Nick who was filling another plate with food. He looked really sharp even in his less proper outfit. He had a way to make anything look good, or maybe it was just him looking handsome in whatever.

"Maybe" she texted back not sure about the feelings fighting for dominance inside. Again it didn't take that long before her phone buzzed again.

"Boo you're sending mixed messages to a moron. I'm going to stay here, it's less than a ten minute drive to your place. I can be there in that exact time if you text me. If I don't hear from you I'll stay away. But pls DO text if you want me to get rid of the choirboy."

The text made her giggle a little.

"What's going on?" Nick felt forced to ask wanting to know what was so amusing.  
"Oh it's just Fin," she said. Nick felt a sliver of jealousy tug at his insides but he tried to push it down.  
"Is he coming over?" he asked a bit curiously.

She didn't answer at first. She'd texted 'thank u' back and put her phone down.

"No," she said coming back over to him, "I told him to stay away."

Nick gave her a cheeky look.

"What?" she asked though, not sure what he was grinning about.  
"Nothing," he said trying to shake it off. He didn't feel like explaining why he felt as though he'd just beat out the most popular boy in the school for the most beautiful girl.

"Rice or noodles?" he asked instead. Amanda pulled another deep sigh.  
"You chose," she said, leaving him again to make the decision for her. He gave her a bit of an awkward look but didn't think much more of it and instead just grabbed the rice at it went better with the fish sauce both of them liked.

"Look," he said feeling like he did have something to explain though, "I'm sorry I haven't been over sooner…"

She looked at him, seemed to get on edge immediately, like she expected something grave to come out of this.

"I was thinking I was giving you space, that you needed time…"  
"Don't worry about it," she said playing with a strand of her hair that had fallen out again from behind her ear.  
"No, Amanda, I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner."  
"You called, I mean I saw I had missed calls," she said under her breath feeling a little guilty for not picking up those time she had in fact been by the phone as he called.

"Yeah but I stopped too soon, I should've kept at it until I reached you. And I should've come over," he said seriously holding her eyes steady. She gave him a little nod, too afraid that anything she said would give away just how nervous she felt. _She'd wanted him to come over too. _She'd missed him, feared he found her disgusting and regretted ever getting with her in the first place.

"I _should've_ come over," he repeated, "I told myself it was to not pressure you but I felt… jealous quite honestly, knowing that Fin and Liv was over here and… I wasn't. I feared though that my presence, with what we shared in the past and what I hope… we can maybe find our way back to, would somehow complicate things for you."

_I hope we can find our way back to? Had he really said that? _Amanda's heart skipped a beat and she felt a little lightheaded.

"But my sister made me realize that I have a tendency to overcomplicate matters," he smiled, feeling a little self-conscious, "and that I was a coward for making assumptions, not asking you directly how _you_ felt. She told me to get straight over to you and to…"  
"You talked to your sister about me?" Amanda asked. He wasn't really sure if she got angry over the fact or if it was just her being curious.

"No, I mean yes but not like that," he said but stopped to take a deep breath. _Think before you talk_.  
"What I meant to say yes I talked to my sister, she's trying to convince me to attend my father's wedding…"

"Your dad is getting married?" Amanda said with about the same tone and Nick started to figure out it was just curiosity after all. He nodded.  
"Yes, later this month. To a child bride, no not really child but young, younger than my sister even," Nick said with several sighs tucked in and Amanda could tell how gutted he felt about this.

"But let's save that for another time, what I wanted to tell you was she called about _that_ and when I kept insisting I would not attend she tried in every way to persuade me and one of them was to say that I should come and bring a date so she could meet this mysterious girlfriend of mine."

_Girlfriend_ was what jumped out most out of that sentence but Amanda managed to keep a straight face.

"That being you," Nick added in case it hadn't been clear enough. He couldn't really read Amanda's face right now.  
"So you have talked to her about me…" Amanda said, sounding a little out of breath. Nick had butterflies in his entire gut just flapping away madly as he looked her deep in the eye and all he felt like doing was kiss her. He hadn't talked about her but he'd been thinking about her, constantly for the past few weeks.

"No," he said much calmer than he felt, "My mom had told her about you."  
"So you talked to you _mother_ about me…" Amanda looked a little shocked now.  
"No but since she found your… in my sheets…"  
"Oh don't remind me," Amanda whispered embarrassed and shied away from his intense eyes.

She cringed just by the thought of his mother finding a those laced panties in her son's bed. Not that finding another pair of her regular panties would've been any better but those ones, and a couple of other one, she'd bought as a matching set just to look… perhaps a little sexy to him and it only added to the discomfort she felt.

"Don't…." he whispered carefully putting his hand on the back of her shoulder. It was only the second time they'd touched since he got there and even though he didn't even touch skin this time it gave him great pleasure just feeling her warmth against the palm of his hand.

"…feel embarrassed," he finished the sentence as she looked back over at him.  
"Kinda hard not to," she whispered trying to smile.

He moved his hand up to the top of her shoulder and squeezed it gently. She leaned down towards his hand just briefly and as her cheek brushed by the back of his hand all those butterflies started flapping again like crazy. He removed his hand, letting it go down her arm a little before he pulled it back all together as he didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

"After that she's kept looking for clues and I've told you my mom is sneaky. She has this way of getting me to give up tidbits that somehow paints a clearer picture for her. So she knows… She knows that someone has… captured my heart," he kept watching her intensely as he watched his words. She broke their gaze though and he watched her swallowing hard. He knew there was no going back and he had to put this out now, hoping it wouldn't distress her.

"I like you a lot Amanda…"  
"The way I treated you at the bar," she said without being able to look at him.  
"Don't…" he tried but she interrupted him.  
"No, that was horrible. I should've never put my hands on you like that. That was just so wrong," she breathed fighting to not start crying.  
"You were hurting Amanda," he said wanting to help her out, "I didn't see it back then. I thought things were okay with you, with us. But the _some of us don't want to be victims_. You were talking about yourself right?"

Amanda frowned a little, gnawing at the inside of her cheek to keep the tears in.

"I think I was, I mean I didn't plan to but it just… hit a little close to home…" she said glancing at him slightly and he nodded so she would know he understood.  
"That's still how I feel though," she whispered. He couldn't nod now since he wasn't grasping what she said.  
"What do you mean?" he asked instead.  
"I don't want to be a victim," she said feeling her lower lip shiver, "I mean I know I am probably just that but I just can't… or maybe I just don't want to get it through my thick skull."

She tried a smile but didn't really succeed.

"I guess I might have to get there, to you know really deal with… everything and to maybe… get out… on the other side?"

This time he could honestly nod. He did get it and he did believe she would probably have to get to that point where she could tell herself she was a victim. _Was_. Present tense. Because he certainly didn't see a victim when he looked at her. He saw a survivor. And a bloody fine survivor.

"If you'd let me I would really like to help you on that journey," he said hoping he wouldn't sound too cliché to her, "And as a friend foremost but with time, it's okay for it to take time Amanda, maybe find our way back to what we have and to evolve that to more than it was… I don't want to put pressure on you though. I mean I understand it will take time and we have some issues to work on for this to work. I have my share deal to work on as well. And I will probably not always succeed, I know you like to see me as this perfect knight in shining armor…"

He smiled at the tugs in the corners of her mouth.

"But I really am not perfect…"  
"Pretty darn close though," she mumbled and it kept the smile on his face to hear her say that.

He had to even look down a little, now feeling his own cheeks blush. It made Amanda feel a little better to see he was able to lose face too. She felt her heart pump down in her gut. Those wrinkles by his eye as he smiled, the shape of his ear that she'd run her tongue over plenty of times. She missed the taste of him. She missed the sense of his body right by her own. It felt familiar yet foreign and she feared the mistakes she was predestined to do would somehow make him hate her in the end.

"Hey," he whispered as he noticed her bowing her head down with a solemn look over her previously cheeky face. He waited until she looked back up at him again. He let his eyes sweep over every spot on her beautiful face, he wanted to take it all in. He'd missed looking at her so much.

"I won't push you," he said seriously once he'd taken all of her in, "You will let me know when you're ready for me to… make advances. If it takes a year…"  
"You can't wait a year," she whispered.  
"Try me," he answered quickly and honestly. She really couldn't find a single shred of doubt on his face.

"I'll be here…"  
"What if I get stupid again?" she asked nervously.  
"I can handle a little stupid…" he said with a soft smile, "It's easier when you know when it's coming from."  
"I don't want to hurt you though," she said biting down on her lip.  
"Then… just try not to. And I'll try not to hurt you either. We're bound to fail at some point but we'll work it out okay?"

She nodded barely visible as they kept holding each other's eyes. They were both leaning against the counter, heads turned to each other, hers a little lower level especially since he was still in his shoes.

He noticed small things, like her lips parting slightly, her jaw moving, her eyes going from his eyes down to his mouth and up again. He tried to stay completely still as though he would scare an exotic animal to flight if he moved just an inch. He could tell she got closer, how she probably got up on her toes to come up a little higher. He could see how ambivalent she was though, as different camps were fighting it out inside her, that a devil and an angel sitting on each shoulder kept giving her conflicting instructions.

He wasn't sure how to help her out. All he knew was that he'd just told her he wouldn't make advances until she gave him the go-ahead and he would fail not only her but himself if he made a move now even though his insides screamed for the chance to touch her, to taste her. He held his breath as she got even closer, eyes starting to go cross-eyed with the proximity. They both kept their eyes open as her lips brushed up against his just briefly, disappeared only to come in just slightly closer. He pursed his lips just a little as she did the same but just as it felt as though she was going to taste his upper lip she pulled away with a tiny gasp and she bowed her head down, leaving her forehead right by his mouth. He puckered up his lips, gave her forehead a quick peck and then he pulled away to give her the solace she seemed unable to give herself.

"You don't have to push it on my account," he said rearranging some boxes on the counter. They would probably have to reheat their food now he had time to think before she spoke again.

"It's all a jumble in there," she whispered. He looked at her again. She'd gotten down on her entire feet again and was a level below his.  
"My brain. Clutter fuck, a fucking horror show," she said when she was finally able to look at him without feeling like the humiliation would destroy her.

"I'm afraid I'll screw it up, screw us up," she confessed as tears threaten to escape.  
"Just do your best okay," he said, "That's all I can ask for. All I am asking for. I'm determined for us to work this out. Trust me?"

She looked at him for a while before she nodded a little. He could tell how anxious she felt, how sincere her worry really was. _But God she was beautiful_.

"I don't want to fight _with_ you, I want to fight _for_ you," he said holding her eyes intensely.

They held each other's eyes for what felt like a small eternity. He just thinking about how beautiful she was even with everything she'd been through. She feeling a sensation in her gut that made her both feel amazing and scared to death. She felt loved.

He could tell when the tension got to her. She didn't break their gaze but she started stirring slightly, rubbing her feet together, fingers started moving against the kitchen counter and there were small twitches on her face. The corners of her mouth tugged slightly upwards and her nostrils expanded faintly as he'd seen them do at times when she was about to start laughing. Laughing being one of her responses to awkward situations.

"That was a good line you have to give me that," he smiled, giving her a wink. She tried to swallow the chuckle that came up her throat but didn't quite succeed.  
"You want me to feed you another one?" he teased.  
"Sleaze," she said under her breath as she broke their gaze to try and keep some composure.

She tucked a few strands of lose hair behind her ear as she tried to keep herself from not glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. She was failing. She couldn't keep her eyes off him. She didn't _want_ to keep her eyes off him.

"I got plenty more to use on you," he said.

She tried shaking her head at him but she couldn't keep from grinning like a fool.

"Oh you love 'em," he kept teasing. He couldn't resist that cute smile of hers but he could also tell she was blushing. He didn't want to take it too far so he shut it down. He knew it would have to take time for them to find their way back to each other. And it would.

It would take many closed bathroom doors between them, her crying on the inside as he tried to talk her out of there with the reassurance she had nothing to feel embarrassed about. There would be plenty of harsh words, most from her as he was starting to get his anger under control, but he would be able to see through them now. See the fear and hurt underneath the prickly surface. See the pain that the anger and the frustration originated from. It would take him a lot of coaxing, reassuring, and doubts on when to push and when to instead pull away. But with time, and really getting to know each other, they would get through it and once there he wouldn't regret a single struggle. Cause what he got in the end was the most trusting, beautiful and secure relationship he'd ever been in. And with a woman that was just as beautiful as she was strong and courageous.

He saw all that when he looked at her right now as well but it would take time for him to open up her eyes to all of that. He fought an urge to touch her.

"Get that fish sauce, I'll put these in the microwave for a bit," he said bumping his shoulder up against hers, lingering to rub up against it as it was the only way he dared to come close to her right now. He liked that she didn't pull away but instead seemed to push back against him before she turned to do as told. The look she threw him over her shoulder made his stomach flip. The smile she shot him as she caught him looking made him warm all over. Yeah they would get through this. He would make sure of that.

The end.


End file.
